To tell a lie in an attempt to keep some peace in my life, or tell the truth and face the music?

[SiaSunday12]

So,

My husband has been having a 4 year affair. We have been together for 11 years but in those last 4 years, we have gotten married, and had 2 DC, (2 under 2 with youngest 9 weeks).

I have spent some time getting all my “ducks in a row” as the saying goes. So now, do I;

A. Tell family the truth of what he has done (we are really close to my family, I know they’ll be completely devastated, and angry!), and accept that Christmas, Birthdays, Celebrations etc for our daughters will be I suppose, shared? Which completely breaks my heart as I feel I’ll be losing out/being punished for these occasions without my kids because of his actions..

B. Tell everyone it was a mutual decision to separate, in order to keep some peace so he can still visit/attend celebrations/Xmas morning etc? Although I will feel I’m letting everyone down, as I’ve literally just had a baby 9 weeks ago and now I’m considering telling my family that this was a joint decision?!

Please tell me if I’m crazy to be asking this, I just never in a million years thought this would happen and I’m so done with it all and tired and emotional and just want someone to pour my heart out to. I just can’t stand the thought of it all.

Please give me all your advice x

I think A. You do not have to protect anyone’s upset. Your family will be upset, worried and protective of you I’m sure and will cope with the truth. Why should he get to do what he has done with his reputation in tact? Your family should know what has happened as it will make it far easier for you to be able to get through this. Otherwise you will be pouring your much needed and precious emotional energy into maintaining a fiction in front of your family.

I had to tell my very elderly DF about the truly dreadful things my ex had done. I dreaded it as he my DM had not long since died and he was fragile and also from a hugely traditional culture where divorce is NOT a thing. At first he pleaded with me to wait until he had died until I divorced but I told him I couldn’t do that. The more I told him he became angrier and angrier with my ex and supported me in every way he could.

In a way his new purpose in life (to Support me while I rebuilt my life) I honestly think gave him about 5 years of life. Absolutely not the thing I would have wanted to give him purpose but my point is that he was the least likely person to cope with a marriage break up especially in such horrible circumstances but he coped well.

Im sorry you are going through this. It’s truly shitty. Your DC are so young that whatever arrangements you come to will be absolutely normal to them and despite what your H has done they will know no different. If the divorce can be handled as calmy and practically as possible (not easy I know) then even though It is crap that you have to share your DC with him, hopefully with time it will be as good as it can be.

Absolutely tell the truth, otherwise you won’t get anything like the support you need and people may even think badly of you for apparently being so whimsical.

But it is possible to tell the truth but still go for civilised co-parenting. The civilised co-parenting is above all something you do for your children. It’s for their benefit. And it makes things easier for you as well.

Being honest about the reasons for the split doesn’t preclude civilised co-parenting. There’s no rule that says you and your family now need to go to war with him and his family. Just tell the truth (you need the support) but make absolutely clear to your family that you intend to establish a civilised co-parenting arrangement with him and you need them to support that. People do achieve this. Some of the most functional families I know are families where the parents have split but co-parenting has been sensible and amicable.

Good luck, OP.

Be honest and tell the truth. Sadly there has already been a lot of deceit you don’t want to add your own on top of it all even if your intentions are good.
You need love and support from your family and friends. Take care.

I am so sorry OP, what a mess.

I agree with others, even if you do say you are a calm person, the reality of this hasn't hit yet and it wont until you tell people what is happening. Once it becomes more real you'll realise your expectations of happy but separate families is very idealistic, at least in the short term.

Be honest with your family, tell them the whole sordid truth as soon as possible, you will need them for support as your emotions go through ups and downs and they cannot support you appropriately if they don't know the full story.

Tell the truth, you will need the support and he doesn’t deserve to get away with it.

A

Thanks for all your replies. Yes @dizzy he wants us to work things out, “get back to the way we used to be”, whatever that is?! How can I teach my girls self respect, and to know their worth, but also to be there for them at a time when god forbid, one of them could have their heartbroken. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to not be doing this right now, to just enjoy my new baby, but here we are. I appreciate some relationships will work after break ups, although I don’t think they can when it’s been going on as long as this, and the fact they still work together. He’s had an opportunity recently which he would never get from another company, although he has said he would’ve left work but whether he did or not, there would’ve always been someone else/another opportunity to cheat, whether it be a one night stand or another long term affair. It’s a hard pill to swallow but I/we have obviously not been enough for him.

but I/we have obviously not been enough for him.

Please please don’t think this is true. What your H has done is a sign of him not being enough for you not the other way round. Sounds like he has wanted the thrill of an affair when life has become settled for him and he has the reality of pregnancy, newborn baby etc to deal with. He wants a rosy, carefree existence by the sounds of it without the sheer Groundhog Day type life that comes with bringing up children especially in the early years.

So sorry to hear what you've been through. Two young children while he was having an affair what a scumbag.

I think honesty is the best way to go, why lie when he has done wrong. I know your mourning your lost children's future but it's him that has done that not you. Why did he marry you and have children while having his cake and eating it.

Your must be going through so much, with a new baby etc. Of course he wants to try again, now he's been found out, but could you ever trust him again.

Tell your family the truth.
Yes, holidays etc will have to be split but that's going to happen anyway. And they deserve to know. Let him tell his lot what he wants bit correct them as necessary.
It's rotten but you are starting over.
He has to live with all the consequences.

OP this is really tough and you are a super hero just to be getting on with your day with two young children, this recent loss and this absolute bombshell.

One point to make: civilised co-parenting is still absolutely possible, even if other people know. You are the wronged party here, if you are able to put what he has done to one side and see him on Christmas morning for the sake of the kids then your parents/siblings damn well better learn to fake being civil to him as their needs are secondary, even if they privately think he's a dick.

I know two friends whose parents divorced long ago (in one case when they were young children, in one case as teens) but are incredibly civilised co-parents and it has been amazing for the now-adult kids and the parents. With my friend A, neither parent had a long-term relationship again, but now the children are grown they have a weekly family Skype call with all siblings and both parents (a few of the kids live overseas), have visited new grandchildren abroad together and have even done shared Christmases. One of their adult children is now acrimoniously divorced and has spoken about how much they appreciate how hard it must have been for them to stay so amicable and how much better it has been for the family. For those parents they absolutely have much more access to their children and grandchildren than if things were v messy and they couldn't be in the same room.

In the other case, both parents had subsequent relationships and children, and having been strained at times at first they got to a point where everyone was v polite. I attended my friend's 30th party and her former step-mother/dad's ex-wife was there with her new partner, as well as her half-sister, dad and current wife, and mother and her child. She sort of shrugs about it and says, its messy but they're all my family.

Obviously this isn't possible where there's abuse, and won't be possible if he behaves badly, and isn't the standard you have to set for yourself when you're in shock and furious. But I guess, there is a world where you can have a civilised co-parenting relationship but it doesn't require you cutting yourself off from support, lying to cover him or pretending you are alright with reprehensible behaviour now. Good luck OP.

It has to be A, because even if he is contrite and guilty now, one day that will change, and he will be so used to not accepting responsibility, and everyone thinking he's a peach, that he will take your forbearance for granted and then he'll be a shit. He has proved to you that you cannot trust him, so don't.

As you are going your separate ways then I would tell your family the truth - you will need every bit of support from them and he does not deserve to have you shielding him from the fallout that HE caused. No. You do what is best for YOU - creating a web of lies to hide it all will only cause you more pain and worry in the long run. If you were staying together and aiming for some normality which could only be achieved by keeping it quiet then that might be different, but since you are splitting up that wouldn't make any sense at all. Tell your family.

definitely A.

Really sorry for your loss too

Good luck x

Hi,

I'm pissed off that this has happened, and I think a lot of men are dicks.

That being said, I do wonder whether this must be the end of your relationship, and whether such a seismic change to your family and life must follow.

I'm wondering about the timing of this affair - is it coincident with all of the things you mention (etc, wedding, engagement etc). No, it doesn't excuse his actions, but I wonder why because there is something obviously up with him. If he really could sort that out, and possibly be a better man than even the one you thought you married, would you give it a go? Because I think this is possible, as well as, yes what you say about him just doing it again. They are both possible.

I think 'what led you to make this decision' is an important question that could be explored. I think having a third person to help you two do this would be good (a relationship counsellor) or a separate therapist for both you and him.

I certainly would not just give him another chance. I would have to see that h is pursuing and putting a lot of effort into making fundamental changes to himself and his life - those long periods away from home would likely need to become a thing of the past. Not because of lack of trust but because it clearly didn't work for you. These explorations and changes would NOT be made ON MY TIME meaning I would leave him now, while allowing a watchful period. I say that because I wouldn't want to chase my bad times with my now enlightened good time (a bit like money), but if he turned up shiny and new and it looks like I could have a good life with him again and my kids grow up in a happy household, I would.

It might turn out during or after your watchful waiting period that he is all wrong for you, and if so, continue on your merry new life.

I am just saying it is early days and I think there could be a chance for your family.

I understand your concerns about being an example for your girls.On the flip side you might also want to model some other qualities you would need to drum up to allow him back into your life.

I'm not saying you should consider what I've said above, just that I do think it is a possibility, even with the length of time and continued protracted bloody betrayals.

Also, as another poster pointed out his actions have nothing to do with you not being enough. I actually think a lot of men are very weak and selfish (not all) and their true colours come out once children come along. Children are wonderful but looking after them can be a real slog and it can be hard and repetitive and while you, being a grown up, just roll your sleeves up and get on with it, your immature dickhead husband decides to escape from the daily grind with the thrill of an affair - because he is selfish, juvenile and emotionally undeveloped. It is NOT a reflection on you. I suspect he would have done this no matter who you are or what you did. You are worth a million of him.

I don't see why it can't be both. Tell everyone honestly why you've separated (because why should he come out of this looking good?) but then it's up to you whether to involve him in celebrations etc.

I think if you don't tell everyone, you'll resent it later when he's hailed as a great dad etc for always being around, and you'll know in your mind what he did.

I so feel for you on so many levels. A mum at our school's marriage broke up and no one thought anything of it. Lots of marriages do so it wasn't gossip or anything. She had initially said it was a mutual decision. However, a few months later she got angry and decided to tell everyone it was because he had been unfaithful. It was quite humilating for her children as it suddenly became gossip. I thought she was in such an unfair position.
I think its unfair to you to have to pretend to your family about such a huge life change. And because your children are younger they won't experience the initial fall out in a way that they will remember. Time is a healer. I think you should tell your family. Its likely if you are close they will realise you are lying anyway and you really need their support now more than ever.

A.

My ExH had an affair and left to live with OW- for years we have shared Xmas and birthdays. It is possible. He would come to my house for the day for Xmas, it was ok.

Four years during which time you got married and had two children ? I've heard some low stories on here but this ......tell the truth about what has happened to your immediate family and lean on them . Four years of lying to your face ? Move onto a new and better life ( I know it won't feel like that just now) . You don't know what the future holds but it has to be better than this man .

Tell the truth, in the long run it will be better all round. You won't end up tying yourself in knots over things and you will also get the support you and your dc need.

I was in a similar position OP. I decided to say the truth but was very clear to my family that they will never ever say anything to my DD against her dad. They keep their feelings to themselves. And for the last 8 years they have stuck to it.

We have to do shared celebrations but that was hard the first couple of years and it got easier. Now she is older she makes her own decisions on who she spends her birthday, Christmas etc with (which is always with me).

Also to consider you may meet someone else and he will then become part of the celebrations.

You’ve got to remember your family will surely follow your lead if you tell them you still want him included in all family events? It’s not really their choice to make if you want to keep it amicable in spite of what he’s done. I would tell the truth because he bloody deserves it then straight away be very clear to your family that they’ll be letting you down very much if they exclude him from events as you will then get less time with your children.

Bear in mind he may choose to have all event separately even if you don’t tell the truth and there’s nothing you can do about that.

This man deserves to have a mirror held up to his behaviour. And you deserve the help and support of your family.
You will find a way that works for your girls...there’s a high chance I’d have thought that his desire to be a good dad will go the way of his desire to be a good husband. (I wouldn’t usually jump to that conclusion, but it takes a certain type of shit to actually plan and have a wedding and two children during an affair, he’s obviously not a great guy).
I truly hope you can see it’s him that’s not enough, and that you have every chance now to eventually be in the relationship you deserve in the future.
There might be complications around shared holidays etc, but the second one of you has any pull in demands from a new partner those complications would arise anyway in some form. Your children are so so young, and you do not need to have the burden of living this lie. (It would get out anyway, it usually does, and you don’t want people taking about you instead of to you).
All the best to you, give yourself time and allow yourself support from loved ones, they would want to be there for you. (Just like you would want to know if it was your daughter...you need to show your girls there is no shame here, because the ‘story’ of this will follow them to adulthood, and their mum walked from this man and was supported, that’s the lesson for them, how to be a strong woman).

“Don’t get me wrong, I would love to not be doing this right now, to just enjoy my new baby, but here we are. I appreciate some relationships will work after break ups, although I don’t think they can when it’s been going on as long as this, and the fact they still work together.”

Agreed. This affair started before you even had children together. You thought you were embarking on family life as a unit and all along he was shagging someone else. You wouldn’t be able to trust him as far as you can throw him ever again. He’s shown that he thought working away gave him carte blanche to sleep with someone else. 4 years of lying and deceit. There’s surely no way back from that.

Good luck, OP. You sound terrific. I’m sure you can make this work.