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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To tell a lie in an attempt to keep some peace in my life, or tell the truth and face the music?

294 replies

SiaSunday12 · 03/02/2021 22:53

So,

My husband has been having a 4 year affair. We have been together for 11 years but in those last 4 years, we have gotten married, and had 2 DC, (2 under 2 with youngest 9 weeks).

I have spent some time getting all my “ducks in a row” as the saying goes. So now, do I;

A. Tell family the truth of what he has done (we are really close to my family, I know they’ll be completely devastated, and angry!), and accept that Christmas, Birthdays, Celebrations etc for our daughters will be I suppose, shared? Which completely breaks my heart as I feel I’ll be losing out/being punished for these occasions without my kids because of his actions..

B. Tell everyone it was a mutual decision to separate, in order to keep some peace so he can still visit/attend celebrations/Xmas morning etc? Although I will feel I’m letting everyone down, as I’ve literally just had a baby 9 weeks ago and now I’m considering telling my family that this was a joint decision?!

Please tell me if I’m crazy to be asking this, I just never in a million years thought this would happen and I’m so done with it all and tired and emotional and just want someone to pour my heart out to. I just can’t stand the thought of it all.

Please give me all your advice x

OP posts:
AtLeastThreeDrinks · 04/02/2021 14:05

I'm so sorry OP Flowers

Tell the truth. If you lie, your family will imagine their own narrative and it'll be harder later down the line. The truth always comes out eventually and you'll stress yourself out enormously lying to those closest to you.

And if you say it's a mutual decision, you're shouldering half the blame for his actions. You need support right now. If I were your family, I'd of course be angry with him but I'd respect your decision to celebrate things together with the girls, if that's what you wanted. But as others have said, it rarely works out like that, especially if he's still seeing the OW.

PensionsYes · 04/02/2021 14:07

Tell people you’re separating. Tell people why.

Otherwise people including your children might think you’ll get back together... Could get very messy.

Just be dignified and ask for your family’s support in creating a loving atmosphere for the children to grow up in.

The more straightforward this is - the more likely you are to be able to create an Amicable relationship with your ex- for the long run for the good of your children and your own sanity.

Eviebeans · 04/02/2021 14:10

My advice is A - tell the truth - I guess you must be reeling from the shock right now and the thought of "sharing" special occasions so you don't miss out feels like a good idea right now. But you may not always feel like that. You won't believe it now but you'll be surprised at how strong you can be. Right now tho you need the support of your family and friends - if you went for option b you may come to regret it and resent it before too long.

randomer · 04/02/2021 14:17

You dont have to tell everybody, everything all at once.The simple basic facts are sufficient. Beware getting embroiled in other peoples stuff

CountessDracula · 04/02/2021 14:19

Could you tell the truth but say at the same time that it's your issue, not theirs and that you would like continue to share things like birthdays. That's what happened with my parents. We all had Christmas/holidays/birthdays, (in fact Sunday dinners every week as well) together over the years despite various gfs/bfs/second marriages/step siblings on both sides. In fact on what would have been my parents 25th wedding anniversary my mother stepfather and my Dad my stepmum all went out for a curry to celebrate.

I do appreciate that this is...ahem... slightly unusual. But it worked for us. Yes people on both sides were hurt and upset, but they all acted like grown ups and it all worked out brilliantly. They are now in their 80s, my Dad is long divorced again and my Mum widowed and they live next door to each other and are great friends.

I take it there's no chance of getting through this? Given the age of your youngest and the current situation I think it might be sensible to try, even if it's just to keep some stability during the next few months. People do get over affairs and come out the other side with a much stronger relationship, knowing a hell of a lot more about each other. Admittedly 4 years is a biggie but if he really has broken it off (and I would take that with a pinch of salt until proven) and wants to stay with you then I would get some online couples counselling pronto and see what follows. It doesn't sound to me like you really hate him, if he has said he wants to be with you then it might be worth a go.

shitinmyhandsandclap · 04/02/2021 14:22

I'm sorry for what you're going through but it's definitely A for me, don't let the cheating bastard off the hook.

Absolute shame on him for doing this to you, and shame on her too, she must've known you'd just had a baby! And before anyone jumps down my throat I know the sole blame lies with the husband but she should be disgusted with herself too

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 04/02/2021 14:29

A. otherwise you will be tying yourself into knots lying for him.

You need and deserve a support network to be on your side.

wintermoths · 04/02/2021 14:36

As everyone says, tell the truth. Hiding it will be too much of a burden on you, that you can do without. And people will ask questions - its quite hard to maintain a convincing lie about something so monumental.

On a practical note, you say you don't want your kids passed from pillar to post, would nesting be an option for you? So the family home is maintained and the kids stay in it, and you and their father take it in turns to live there when you each have custody. It means the kids have a permanent stable base.

Original poster
SiaSunday12 · 04/02/2021 14:36

@shitinmyhandsandclap I know. Horrible human being, both of them! Yes she knew when we had just had babies, she knew when we got married.. she organised the gift from all the staff at work!!! Horrendous. Just really the lowest of the low. Like I say, she is now off work with covid-19, karma!!! I asked him if he’d need to be tested as well as all of us but he said no as they haven’t been in contact lately that we would need to be tested. We’re all well but he really has put us at risk!

OP posts:
TheSparkleJar · 04/02/2021 14:39

Tell them the truth. if you don't a surprising amount of people will heap the blame on you and decide you didn't fight for your family, etc. In fact even if they know the truth some will still judge. That's just how it goes.

Why take half the blame for what he has done? Not to mention that he will not thank you for it. Maybe short term, but once he's moved on history will be rewritten. Tale as old as time. And he'll get to accept sympathy that it's so sad he's not with his kids all the time. (Your fault.)

Don't be a doormat.

TheSparkleJar · 04/02/2021 14:41

You can tell your family the truth and also ask them to respect that he will still always be a member of the family because of the children, and will share special occasions. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

SirVixofVixHall · 04/02/2021 14:48

The truth, always. This was not your lie, why should you shore it up now ? Very sorry he has treated you so appallingly.

Flippyferloppy · 04/02/2021 14:48

I'd tell the truth because the truth will come out in the end anyway

TheSparkleJar · 04/02/2021 14:55

I'm sure it's already been mentioned, but unless you agree to it, it's very unlikely that a baby is subject to shared parenting, because it's unfair on them. Removing access to their mother for half the week without being able to explain why is cruel.

Take your time with all this though. You don't have to rush into anything. And don't worry about your visions of the future either. Two parents happily living apart is a better deal than a complete family unit that's tense with slammed doors and raised voices most nights.

randomer · 04/02/2021 14:58

Dear OP,I feel afraid on your behalf. Can you access an online counsellor immediately?This is absolutely massive stuff you are dealing with.

purpleboy · 04/02/2021 15:01

Absolute bastard. I'm so mad and sorry for you.
I'm sure when you tell your family they will support you, and that includes being civil to him at family gatherings for your and the children's sake.

GabsAlot · 04/02/2021 15:05

it was just cause you stress to keep lying and yu dont need that right now

your dc are so young they honsetly wont know any difference growing up if u cant be together at xmas it woll be the norm

sylviapancreas · 04/02/2021 15:07

A. You know this. Do not protect him. I'm sorry 💐

MullinerSpec · 04/02/2021 15:12

Option A. Family need to know the truth.

Heronsnest · 04/02/2021 15:23

Absolutely option A.
I'm probably a similar age to your mum OP and I can tell you I would be devastated if you didn't feel you could confide in me. You have a close family, let them support you.

Ellie56 · 04/02/2021 15:25

No don't lie. Let everyone know what a shit he is. Angry

iljatdip · 04/02/2021 15:29

Definitely tell the truth. Your family will support you but to do that they need to know what has happened.
If you sort of make out it was mutual etcetc you'll have people trying to persuade you to give it another go for the kids or whatever. Or people saying it's because of "hormones" after the birth of the baby.
If you tell the truth, people will help you to stay separated from him because he is an absolute shit.

It's too early to think about shared celebrations etc. You will never lose out because you can always celebrate Christmas and birthdays with your children. If he also wants to celebrate he can celebrate separately with them. This will mean compromise but this is better than having him tag along to family Christmas with YOUR family. What if he stays with this OW? He'll want to spend Christmas with her. Or when you meet someone else you'll want to celebrate with him and not have the ex hanging around.
But as I said, it's too early to think about that. He might not even be interested in having a lot of contact. Who knows.

What is important is that you get away from him. He is a cheat and a liar.

BabyBee93 · 04/02/2021 15:37

You are going to need as much support as you can get with two kids including a 9wk old baby both physically and emotionally. Give yourself the chance to be completely open and honest with the people around you - they will be able to support you much better if they know the whole story.

Also, screw the horrible man who cheated on you whilst you were carrying both his children. Why does he deserve even an ounce of anonymity?

AND, not to scare you, but if it come to custodial agreements through the courts it will come out eventually that he was unfaithful so you may as well tell your family now.

Sending big hugs, what a shit situation

Original poster
SiaSunday12 · 04/02/2021 15:39

Thank you @Heronsnest, I think part of the reason I considered B would be to prevent everyone the worry of, 2 under 2 and on her own, how will she do it, and for me to see them worry! I think if I see them worry, it will probably make me do the same... and like I say, my Mum and Dad had us, with the exact same age gap so I know they’ll relate and understand how hard it’ll be. I appreciate though what you say though and honestly I’d feel the same if it were my girls who felt they couldn’t tell me the truth, so that in itself makes option A the only one! X

OP posts:
ScrapThatThen · 04/02/2021 15:47

Tell them, but also tell them in no uncertain terms that they will have to support you in building an amicable co parenting arrangement and you expect them to be civil to him in due course if not immediately. But you are being too sensible and thinking of everyone else. The emotions are surely going to floor you when you let them in. So let yourself get a teeny bit angry and vindictive to gain some power.