To tell a lie in an attempt to keep some peace in my life, or tell the truth and face the music?

[SiaSunday12]

So,

My husband has been having a 4 year affair. We have been together for 11 years but in those last 4 years, we have gotten married, and had 2 DC, (2 under 2 with youngest 9 weeks).

I have spent some time getting all my “ducks in a row” as the saying goes. So now, do I;

A. Tell family the truth of what he has done (we are really close to my family, I know they’ll be completely devastated, and angry!), and accept that Christmas, Birthdays, Celebrations etc for our daughters will be I suppose, shared? Which completely breaks my heart as I feel I’ll be losing out/being punished for these occasions without my kids because of his actions..

B. Tell everyone it was a mutual decision to separate, in order to keep some peace so he can still visit/attend celebrations/Xmas morning etc? Although I will feel I’m letting everyone down, as I’ve literally just had a baby 9 weeks ago and now I’m considering telling my family that this was a joint decision?!

Please tell me if I’m crazy to be asking this, I just never in a million years thought this would happen and I’m so done with it all and tired and emotional and just want someone to pour my heart out to. I just can’t stand the thought of it all.

Please give me all your advice x

For your own mental health, tell the truth. When my 1st husband did the same, I tried to protect my kids by not telling them and our families and friends. It was awful. When I did eventually tell people, they were upset that I'd tried to cope alone. What I DID say to everyone that we socialised with was that I didn't want them to take sides or be afraid of telling me that they had seen him and the OW. I was friendly to them both when I saw them, though it was difficult at first. I NEVER said anything negative about them , and I never asked my kids questions about them when they had visited. I did all that for my children, because I knew that in the future there would be family occasions when we would have to be together, and I didn't want them to have to say "Is it OK? I've invited dad and step mum?" The result is that 30 years on, I'm remarried, he's with his 3rd wife, and we have a really lovely affectionate relationship. We don't see each other often, but when we do, we're very happy and able to chat. Our children are relaxed and happy, and our young Grandchildren find it very funny that we were ever together! What started as a need to protect our children ended in a very good way.

I'm so sorry to hear this.

Definitely option A. If you are close to your family, they will support you through what is going to be a tough and emotional time. They have every right to be angry with your DH ... he deserves their anger.

If you lie to them now the truth may well emerge anyway and then they might Heinz less of you for lying to them. Why risk your close family ties to protect someone who has betrayed you?

Tell the truth - as factually as possible - and don't let him wheedle his way back in.

I kept myXH's secret and gave it another go - but our children were older and the affair (at least the one I knew about) was only a few months. He told me himself because he was so distraught that she had left him and gone back to her boyfriend. Apparently we had to support each other through this.

Several years later he buggered off anyway but in the meantime both our families and our mutual friends thought he was a nice guy. I never trusted him again and it became obvious over the intervening years that he had nothing but contempt for me. What damage did this do to our children? Well it must have done some, neither is in a relationship and they are both in their 30s.

Letting him stay was my greatest mistake and keeping his dirty secret was my second. My life (and my children's lives) could have been so much different. If MN had been around then, it would have been.

He "wants to get back to how we were" does he?

Well he can't - he has bolloxed it up, bigtime

What a selfish arsehole he really is.

Truthful but try to avoid giving too much detail to people who don't need to know. Four year affair, and no going back, is all they need to know.

My experience is you can’t predict how relatives will react. My parents have always been civil with ex and as local bump into him fairly often. That’s doesn’t mean in private they aren’t supportive of me and don’t know the back story but they don’t let it affect the relationship with him or grandchildren. His mum took against me. She now hardly sees her grandchildren as ex isn’t proactive about taking them. She had no reason to treat me badly. You honestly can’t predict or influence how others will react. Some PIL will want to maintain a civil relationship and some won’t and what you do or don’t tell them probably won’t change that.
Generally dads contact with babies would not be overnights esp if bf etc. I would also echo that selfish men tend not to want their kids as much as you might expect and they quickly fall into a favourite uncle role not a proper parenting role if they stick around at all.

Definitely A

You’re going to need the support

A - you need the support of your family at a time like this. And he deserves a mirror holding up to his behaviour. What he's done is atrocious. This isn't a quickie, or a ONS. Its a whole double life - sleeping with you at the same time as her.

You've got to know your own worth here - too often we see people having affairs "because my partner wasn't giving enough attention to me, because kids came along, because our marriage changed" they're just excuses. If he decides to become a Disney dad then he's basically sentenced you to a life of single parenthood - I'm positive that wasn't what you signed up for when you had two children with him.

"Wants to get back to how we used to be" is the weakest, most selfish thing I've ever heard - and I've had it used to me to excuse multiple affairs as well :( like its our fault that our partners go off and fall into other women's vaginas - these poor blokes that are so helpless.....

Tell the truth. Lyings wrong after all.

Absolutely definitely A

I would say A, OP. At least with your closest family. You deserve their full support and understanding and you won't get that if they're still hoping it's a rough patch and you'll mutually sort it out. You can always ask them to keep it to themselves as you don't want the world knowing.

You have plenty of time until next Christmas for their response to settle and if you want your ex there for part of the day, for them to work up to accepting that.

I'm so sorry for all this and agree that you're setting a great example to your DC

Have a friend who chose option B. It still meant shared access with the children, holidays, Xmas, birthdays etc. We (her friends) were all shocked when they divorced and just couldn’t understand why she did it. They co parented really well. No animosity. For years

Then when their daughter reached 11/12, she really resented her mother for breaking up the family. Remember, the narrative was joint decision. No one questioned his much younger girlfriend. Nor that it was the older daughter of mutual friends.

Our friend got so much fried from her daughter. In fact caused the break up with a really lively man who wanted to marry her because the daughter was saying the mother would just leave this man too.

It wasn’t until the youngest child reached age 18 that friend told the real story. Her husband had an affair with mutual friend’s daughter. Our friend had nine of the extra support she should have had because no one knew. She kept it all bottled up inside. We all felt terribly guilty while she stoically got on with things but apparently when Aline was just miserable as she thought she couldn’t ask for help or talk things through with her family and friends. It would have made no difference to access or co parenting as both her husband and she understood and agreed the marriage was over because he wanted to be with this younger woman.

Tell the truth. You’re not at fault here. It’s all in your husband. You should get the support you need with your family and friends. Ask for it. Let them help you through this.

You both can agree to amicably co parent and be in one another’s company regardless.

He decided to have this affair while lying to you about his intentions - through getting married and deciding to have each child.

You deserve happiness and hopefully there is someone else out there who will treat you as you deserve to be treated, with all their live and respect for you and your relationship.

Best of luck to you OP.

Condolences to you snd your family about your grandmother.

Damn straight it’s A!

FWIW, A.

As for your family, they should follow your lead. If, despite the affair, the split is amicable then they should also be sufficiently amicable towards him.
And if you want to share children's birthdays and celebrations, and even Christmas, then you should.

Not a popular opinion on here I’m sure but I’d do A all the way and laugh in his face if the idea of sharing christmases etc ever came up. He created those children while living a double life of deceit...why should you miss out on half their childhood because he’s a sociopath who can maintain a four year affair? I don’t think a close relationship with a man like that is in the children’s interests either. Anyone that selfish and deceitful is unlikely to be capable of putting his children’s needs first in any other way. Affairs have consequences and why should you and your girls be the ones to suffer them? He can fuck off.

A) but I think it is ok to ask family to respond in the way that it helps you most, it is you (and kids) most injured and affected. So even if they are angry they can tolerate him as much as you need them to.

A - imo you should tell the truth otherwise I think you'll be receiving comments such as "Oh we wished you worked things out, he's a great guy" etc. You need support. You can explain to your family that you want him at birthdays/other events and would like them to respect that.

John 8:32

This was the motto at my sons school.

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

He "wants to get back to how we were"

So, he strayed because things went off course? What a weak man. Lots of men have major issues in their lives, but only the weak selfish ones go and start up an affair with another women and the even weaker ones carry that affiar on.

You are well rid of him. He is not a man worth having.

So sorry OP, what an awful situation he's put you in. Absolutely echo everyone in here though, you need proper and real support from your family and friends. How can they understand what you're truly going through if they think it was a mutual decision with no badness attached?

Definitely A.

I agree, Option A tell the truth, because Option B is giving him the easy way out. Screw that! He has betrayed you!

When I split from my cheatiing ex, I told everyone. His parent's had the gall to ask me to stop telling people as they were worried about what people think. I told them it was tough and he had to suffer the consequences.

Yes, it is horrible and soul destroying to find out someone has betrayed you, but don't give him that power to control what people think of him.

Your babies are young enough not to be witnessing the effects. Access/visitations will become the norm for them, that's the only thing you need to remain civil about with your ex. Whether he and the OW have split or not is not your concern. Your marriage is over and you will get through this.

A! Why on Earth should you lie and carry that burden? He's the liar. You deserve all the support you can get.

Men like this often try to re-write history to justify their actions or make themselves look better once they're caught out. They follow a script very classically, most of them.

So just no. Don't allow this.

Sticking to the truth means you never have to try to remember what you lied about.

'H has been having an affair for the past 4 years. So I've decided to end the marriage because of it.'

Of course he wants to just forget about it!

I'd tell your family the truth.

My parents split up whilst I was a teenager (I know that's a massive age gap compared to your girls) and we were told it's just because they weren't getting on and were best apart. A few years later we found out it was because my Mum had an affair and I was so hurt that they didn't tell the truth. I wish I'd known and the truth always has a way of coming out.

Tell your family the truth, he doesn't deserve protecting.

Regarding birthdays, Christmas' etc what if he has a new girlfriend by then? Say you don't tell the truth and protect him and next Christmas he wants the children and has a new girlfriend - you will look like the bad guy if you kick up a fuss.

I would tell the truth, you need the support of family, and also it's not a fair burden for you to carry, being dishonest to the people you love just to protect him. It is hard with children and the worry I guess of what will happen re; having 2 homes, but your happiness is also very important, and you shouldn't feel duty bound to stay with him in case it's hard. I'm glad you have made the decision to move forward without him, and I wish you all the best.