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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Are they playing some sort of weird game?

203 replies

NewYearDahlia · 02/02/2021 10:40

I recently found out that DH has a long-standing friendship (I'm talking years) with a woman and I knew nothing about the friendship. DH tells me there's nothing to worry about.
Unfortunately I am beginning to think there's much more to it that I don't understand. Looking through the photos on my phone, I took a photo of DH on a coach we were on waiting to leave the airport the last holiday before lockdown. In the background through the opposite window I can see her sitting on the next fucking coach to ours. She's in profile, looking down at her phone, it's definitely her. At the time I took the photo, DH was also on his phone - it's in his hand. It looks like he was having a messenger conversation but the image is blurry.

I know some people are going to think I'm trolling but I can assure you this situation I'm in is horribly true - so much that it's made me feel very anxious because I don't know what's going on. I'm not going to ask him about this photo - we've had the chat about the friendship and he's adamant nothing is going on.

I know at one point she had access to the photos on his old phone because he gave it to her and it was updating despite him saying he thought he'd reset it. I'm now wondering if they shared location via this phone.

I didn't see her on the plane nor in the airport, nor during the holiday.
Just wondering if anyone knows if this is a thing - like, do two people who maybe 'like' one another do 'naughty' little things - like booking the same holidays - as fucked up as it sounds - for the kick of it?

OP posts:
Titterofwit · 17/02/2021 13:02

@Lilyargin

This situation is exactly the same as the start of the short story The Octopus Nest by Sophie Hannah. It’s the first story in a book called The Fantastic Book of Everybody’s Secrets
Excellent short story Lilyargin
oakleaffy · 17/02/2021 13:02

@PussGirl

"odd fucking events" - quite - he was "only" at the hotel for an hour

this sounds very odd & suspicious to me

sorry OP Sad

A lot of shagging can be done in an hour...

If the other woman really did book a holiday in the same location, that is creepy and eerie....and extremely cheeky!

BloggersBlog · 17/02/2021 13:17

"hey, looking at our holiday photos, I didnt realise HobbyLady was there too, did you?"
Why wouldnt you just say that? Actually, how can you NOT?!

He got a text from her the day AFTER valentine's day....Hmm so they werent texting ON valentine's day then? So of course it means he sent her a card

A random woman called at your house 8 years ago, this MUST be proof of an affair Grin
username should be Stretch Malone

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 17/02/2021 13:27

I have to see I agree with @ClaudiaWankleman (and love her name) because you could read something into anything. The odds of you accidentally photographing your husband's mistress in a photo whilst on holiday are miniscule. The odds of an innocent woman being at your door are huge, and she could be anyone.

oakleaffy · 17/02/2021 13:34

Ohhhhhhhhhhh

Re ''Octopus nest....''

Watch this..... 😱

GappyValley · 17/02/2021 13:34

"hey, looking at our holiday photos, I didnt realise HobbyLady was there too, did you?"
Why wouldnt you just say that? Actually, how can you NOT?!
Because he then contacts her and says 'DW is on to you being on holiday. Delete everything from social media and be aware in case anyone starts asking questions.

He got a text from her the day AFTER valentine's day....hmm so they werent texting ON valentine's day then? So of course it means he sent her a card
Yes, because Valentines day was a Sunday, so the post would have arrived on Monday, when she then texts him to say thank you?

A random woman called at your house 8 years ago, this MUST be proof of an affair
Or it is proof that there have been a few unexplained incidents all involving the DH plus dodgy goings on with a woman

HyggeTygge · 17/02/2021 14:01

OP do you know anyone else who was on her hen holiday? Could you strike up a friendship with any of them?

Loopyloututu · 17/02/2021 14:24

Ooh, that was good that Octopus Nest!

SheilaWilcox · 17/02/2021 14:32

Whatever he is or isn't doing, you don't sound very happy.

Would him admitting something give you 'permission' to leave?

In an idea world, what would you want for your relationship?

BloggersBlog · 17/02/2021 15:04

@GappyValley

"hey, looking at our holiday photos, I didnt realise HobbyLady was there too, did you?" Why wouldnt you just say that? Actually, how can you NOT?! Because he then contacts her and says 'DW is on to you being on holiday. Delete everything from social media and be aware in case anyone starts asking questions.

He got a text from her the day AFTER valentine's day....hmm so they werent texting ON valentine's day then? So of course it means he sent her a card
Yes, because Valentines day was a Sunday, so the post would have arrived on Monday, when she then texts him to say thank you?

A random woman called at your house 8 years ago, this MUST be proof of an affair
Or it is proof that there have been a few unexplained incidents all involving the DH plus dodgy goings on with a woman

You sound like you wish you were Miss Marple Grin "DW is on to you ABORT ABORT ABORT" lol

If someone if having an affair - you dont think they would send them a message ON Valentine's day, or a card the day before???

No it isnt proof of dodgy incidents - it is proof that 8 years ago an odd woman knocked their door

AgathaX · 17/02/2021 15:35

There are a lot of odd coincidences. They could mean nothing or they could point to what you are suspecting.

You are worried though, you are suspicious, and he isn't reassuring you in any way. I think if he's up to anything he's going to cover his tracks very carefully now. So if it's safe to ask him (ie no history of violence etc in your relationship) that you should lay all your points down to him and see what he says. If he flounders and makes up incredible stories, or is aggressive again, or refuses to discuss it with you, then you will have some kind of answer. Then you have to decide if you want this relationship, where you appear to have lost trust in him, to continue.

Diverseopinions · 17/02/2021 15:35

You are clearly very worried, OP, so it's good to get advice and support. It's difficult for respondents to get a feel of the situation from small pieces of information - but support is valuable in helping to gain perspective.

Which came first: chicken or egg? His holiday booking or hers? Looking at what is likely from the point of view of human psychology.....

I don't read it as DH booking a husband/wife holiday, with you, to be near to her as she enjoys herself.. (Inventing a work trip he goes on alone, in home country, and actually going alone somewhere with her - would be psychologically credible and typical). But this? No.

Having OW see him with his wife risks putting her off, due to guilt, or alternatively jealousy. You might cuddle him on the beach. She might confront you - which he obviously wouldn't want as he's being secretive with you and denying stuff. What if one of the hen party caught them kissing on one of his sorties without you? That hen friend might come across the sand and tell you when drunk; they might tell you when sober.

Can't see the chicken and egg being that way around.

I can see it that he might have booked his holiday with you already ....and told her ....she might have got jealous and said she wants to be there too in order to satisfy herself that you and he are not a close couple. And he might have said " All right, then, come there too. You'll see that we're not lovely dovey, and it's a functional marriage."

But how would she have contrived a hen party going at just the same time? She couldn't have done.

If she was in that group chalet by the beach, it's unlikely DH would keep drawing your attention to the building.

I think the likely scenario is that it isn't her in the photo. You could, in a parallel universe, try to get a clearer image by means of photo lab technical wizardry, and examine whether the figure really looks that much like her.

The person at your door is neither here nor there. It could be your neighbour has some weird reason for saying that. Did he/she snoop in your garden and invent a cover story in case someone else saw them? These technologically-enabled days, people text or phone - they don't call at the door.

If suspicious, do the usual thing of checking clothing and looking out for changes in personal habits on his part - new clothes/underwear/ personal grooming, etc.

Listen to posters who say you might be over-reacting, as you don't want to sour your marriage unnecessarily. But do be vigilant.

Do some social media checking.

Hollywolly1 · 17/02/2021 15:43

I don't think people are over reacting at all,the man soured his marriage by having a close friendshipHmm with another woman for years and not telling her,I am amazed at the amount of women that will accept that crap.I think from your posts op that you are shocked by his sneakiness but how were you to know so don't beat yourself up but instead put your energy into how you can move forward,he's just not the man you thought he was and that is not your fauktFlowers

TatianaBis · 17/02/2021 15:48

I think the weirdness over this hidden longstanding friendship is making you understandably paranoid, but probably seeing things where they are not.

I'm not saying he isn't or couldn't be having an affair: he may well be.

But woman on the bus: unlikely to be able to tell if woman is looking down, woman at the door: maybe mistaken address etc.

Stick with the hard facts.

SilverBirchWithout · 17/02/2021 15:59

Don’t flame me for this - but many many years ago I had a very brief affair (which nearly ruined my life) with a married man - he turned out to be a complete narcissist and was an habitual cheater.
Anyway, one of his things was seemingly getting a kick out of risking his wife finding out - it wanted me to go to his house when his wife was out briefly (I didn’t) or phoning when she was about - it was terrifying to me and he ended up being a stalker when I ended it - parking outside of my house, phoning and putting the phone down.
I think he just got off on the risk, he had other traits too - like gas-lighting. His poor wife, it still sickens me how many years she must not have realised. He had an off and on relationship with someone else for at least 8 years prior to me.
This may not be your case, but think about who he is separate to this friend issue - are there other signs about who he is as a person, does he enjoy subterfuge, confusing others, game-playing, strange sense of humour.

fruitbrewhaha · 17/02/2021 16:03

Are you sure it's her in the photo?

All of this is hinged on your being right that it is her, but surely there is a chance that it's just someone who looks a bit like her.

MsDogLady · 17/02/2021 16:07

...it’s definitely her.

OP is certain that HobbyWoman is the woman in the photo.

Loopyloututu · 17/02/2021 16:12

SilverBirchWithout

His poor wife. You know she’s probably still clueless? Did you not feel you should tell her or send an anonymous note or something?

Sendhelpplease · 17/02/2021 16:14

If he changed the narrative about you, how did you get it back OP? I ask because mine has done this with me.

If I were you, I’d keep digging and also confront him with the photograph for his reaction.

SilverBirchWithout · 17/02/2021 18:37

@Loopyloututu

SilverBirchWithout

His poor wife. You know she’s probably still clueless? Did you not feel you should tell her or send an anonymous note or something?

I believe she did find out a some time later - I had a complete breakdown because of overwhelming guilt, and told my husband (after counselling our marriage survived). The other other woman persuaded the man to tell his wife, she threw him out and he eventually married other other woman. They divorced a few years later.

It was a horrifying episode, before I managed to end it - I gradually woke up to my stupidity because I felt more and more empathy towards his poor wife. He would tell me things about her and their relationship (thinking he was criticising her) which to me sounded like he was the one in the wrong and I started defending her to him! It was a total head-fuck, and made me realise I wasn’t a person who could live with having an affair.

Sorry to hijack thread OP.

TatianaBis · 17/02/2021 18:48

@MsDogLady

...it’s definitely her.

OP is certain that HobbyWoman is the woman in the photo.

She’s not certain, she’s convinced - not the same thing.

But, in profile, looking down at her phone, through a coach window - impossible to be sure.

MrsBobDylan · 17/02/2021 19:20

Regardless of any of the other stuff op, getting verbally aggressive when you asked him about this woman makes me think he is not a very nice man at all.

Ignoring you through Valentine's Day smacks of a 'punishment' because you dared to question him. That is not normal. The fact that you haven't brought up the picture yet suggests you are a bit scared of him.

justilou1 · 17/02/2021 22:30

Or she’s holding her cards close to her chest because he’s got form for gaslighting her, and this is the closest thing to evidence she has. I think she’s smart.

Dress3 · 18/02/2021 08:50

I think the shock of finding out about a secret friendship that has been going on for so long might have caused minor paranoia. I don't think this is anything to worry about if it only last a short while.
The main fact you know is that he kept a friendship secret from you for a very long time. This means he was receiving some benefit by keeping it secret. The obvious benefit is that he keeps a friend all to himself. By telling you about the friendship, you'd eventually go out as a couple with this woman and her partner and she and you might well become friends.
The question is: why would he want her to be his friend and not your friend? Affair? Possibly. But unlikely to last years without you noticing something. Or is she his confidante? Someone external to your life to offload his marrital woes to? If he's a proud man, a family man, he wouldn't want any of his relatives or your joint friends to think anything is wrong, yet we all have to moan sometimes about our other halves, it's human nature.

Imissmoominmama · 18/02/2021 16:04

@suspiria777 - not really. That happened to me; I wasn’t confident enough to tell someone who I was slightly friendly toward to back right off and he stalked me for over a year. It only stopped when my now DH moved in.

I did say this was pure speculation on my part, but you ignored that part of my post.

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