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Original poster

Are they playing some sort of weird game?

203 replies

NewYearDahlia · 02/02/2021 10:40

I recently found out that DH has a long-standing friendship (I'm talking years) with a woman and I knew nothing about the friendship. DH tells me there's nothing to worry about.
Unfortunately I am beginning to think there's much more to it that I don't understand. Looking through the photos on my phone, I took a photo of DH on a coach we were on waiting to leave the airport the last holiday before lockdown. In the background through the opposite window I can see her sitting on the next fucking coach to ours. She's in profile, looking down at her phone, it's definitely her. At the time I took the photo, DH was also on his phone - it's in his hand. It looks like he was having a messenger conversation but the image is blurry.

I know some people are going to think I'm trolling but I can assure you this situation I'm in is horribly true - so much that it's made me feel very anxious because I don't know what's going on. I'm not going to ask him about this photo - we've had the chat about the friendship and he's adamant nothing is going on.

I know at one point she had access to the photos on his old phone because he gave it to her and it was updating despite him saying he thought he'd reset it. I'm now wondering if they shared location via this phone.

I didn't see her on the plane nor in the airport, nor during the holiday.
Just wondering if anyone knows if this is a thing - like, do two people who maybe 'like' one another do 'naughty' little things - like booking the same holidays - as fucked up as it sounds - for the kick of it?

OP posts:
Sssloou · 16/02/2021 23:01

@FossilisedFanny

This is just an observation and I don’t know if your husband is up to no good or not, but I have just clicked on Op’s posts only and without everyone else’s contributions the situation reads quite differently to me .
What is your take on this?
Mrsrightagain · 16/02/2021 23:47

If there's nothing going on why has he kept it a secret? OR
Is it quite new but saying that they have been friends for years makes it more believable?

myturf · 16/02/2021 23:54

I know someone who met up with his affair partner, both of them on respective family holidays with their kids, at the same resort in Mexico... So it's not impossible.

Where's the holiday destination? If it's like... Centre Parcs near you, maybe a coincidence. If it is some random hotel abroad, seems a bit odd.

myturf · 16/02/2021 23:59

Oh I'm sorry, I'm behind!

I'm sorry OP, he sounds like a prize twat. I hope you're okay.

FossilisedFanny · 17/02/2021 00:09

@Sssloou , I’m not sure really, but there’s an awful lot of guessing (which is all anyone can do I guess) from posters , the woman knocking on her door 8years ago could be totally innocent, the photo is weird for sure but if you read the Op’s on their own it just doesn’t sound as ‘dramatic’ as when you read the thread as a whole.

Onthedunes · 17/02/2021 00:14

Hi op,

Ignoring Valentines day is to punish you.
He knows full well you are seeking reasurance about your relationship at the moment.
He is training you to be silent when you ask him questions.
My guess is that further questioning would make him aggresive.

Is he known to give the silent treatment to you or withdraw affection when he doesn,t get his own way?

RootyT00t · 17/02/2021 00:18

Are you 100 percent? If you were askes to provide a statement in court that it was her would you?

Onthedunes · 17/02/2021 01:15

I actually think it may be the friend who is into him, more than him into her.
Is he a vain man, large ego, considered very atractive?

This sounds more like a female friendship with benefits thrown in if he is actually up to something.
If he was that into her I think he would have gone years ago.
No he wants you as his primary partner but likes the attention of other women.
I think he may be a narcisist.

As for the holiday, narcs tend to be blank sheets mirroring other people and sucking ideas out of them. Recomendations, for cars, holidays, hobbies, anything, they just copy, if they are interested in a person.

They don't tend to have original ideas.
This may give you food for thought.

Read up on narcisists.... HG Tudor is good.

thosetalesofunexpected · 17/02/2021 01:20

@NewYearDahlia

Its suspect(suspicious) just mere fact he has kept so quiet about this,from you.

Why all the secrecy?

What is gut/emotional instincts telling you op then?

Always trust this op.

I wonder if he is obsessed more into this woman,than he really letting on stalker type of behaviour?

or
Is she flattered by his attentions and is not interested in him in sexual way, but gets a kick out of a the effect she has on him?

Or they both having emotional affair behind your back?

This sounds quite strange.

Is it possible that somehow this is random coincidence about the Hol and them being on different coaches same time?

Its all intriguing/quite strange.

I hope you find out what this is as soon as possible op

Pizzaandgarlicdip · 17/02/2021 01:33

I knew of a sort of similar situation. A friend had flown out to visit her husband who was having an affair with a work colleague also living in the same place although she had no idea at the time.
The other woman spent a lot of time with the two of them while the wife was visiting which at the time didn’t strike her as odd but obviously when she found out it was pretty fucking weird!
He’d even do things like secretly kiss and touch the other woman on the beach while the wife went for a swim in the sea. People can be so strange!

SilverBirchWithout · 17/02/2021 02:09

For some people it’s the the whole subterfuge in having an affair/friendship which is the thrill.
It sounds very much like your DH is panicking about being found out, if he was intending to leave he would have done it by now.
Personally I would take control of this situation back and play the long game rather than confronting and then being gas-lighted. It gives you time to get your ducks in a row.
I might be cruel but I would take some pleasure in making him squirm and jump through hoops...do you both use Facebook? If so maybe you could ‘innocently’ post a few photos from the last holiday with a comment about looking forward to the next one after lockdown. Obviously post the coach picture as the first pic, it is of course the start of the holiday😉
It will be a pleasure to see him squirm, and might also give you more clues by his reaction.

PuppyMonkeyBaby · 17/02/2021 03:34

Next time he asks who’s messaging you reply with “Someone I met on holiday”

Jonnywishbone · 17/02/2021 04:11

It's happened to me. Its horrid. Same as an affair you feel betrayed. There is zero chance of it being a coincidence. They are clearly very involved in each other. I would make an exit plan.

Nomorepies · 17/02/2021 06:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

JustZooming · 17/02/2021 06:51

I gather you know your name OP? Can you find her and anything about the hen party on social media, often people endlessly tag others in events like that so it might give you the opportunity to work out if she was definitely at the resort when you were.

It does sound very suspicious. And it’s something you should be able to discuss if your relationship is good and this is all a non event.

Wiredforsound · 17/02/2021 07:07

Don’t bring it up again until you have more evidence. At this point he could just call you paranoid or gaslight you. There are possible innocent explanations for the instances you describe but you need to be able to build a pattern, so that if you need to make your case you can be sure he won’t be able to lie his way out of it.

Retrospectdiva · 17/02/2021 07:07

Yet on the day itself for me: no card, no present, didn't mention that it was Valentine's Day at all.

I agree with onthedunes. He wants you to shut up and forget about it so he can carry on with what he is doing. You have scuppered his plans, how dare you.

Your DH is a Grade A twat. He is married to you and had a 10-year emotional/ sexual relationship with this other woman. He is totally disrespectful. Who the F books a holiday in the same resort as his bit on the side?

From your posts you seem blindsided and winded. That is because he has spent a long time deceiving you and he is now gaslighting you. You don't deserve this, you have been played by a narcissist.

What you need to do is end it. I've read up about them in the past and when I got to the end where it said what to do it usually advised: "run and don't look back".

On a side note, I found onthedunes' comments about blank pages mirroring other people very interesting. I have a narc in our family and I have always been confused by the fact that they have no originality and just copy everything other people do. They can't make a decision. I thought being a narc took a certain level of intelligence? They certainly seem to think they are cleverer than anyone else. This person can look me up and down. sneer at what I am wearing and then goes out and buys the identical outfit. It's bizarre.

You need to look your DH in the eye and tell him "I'm onto you. I know you are lying to me" and see where the chips fall. Or.....run and don't look back. You deserve so much more than this crap.

YowMyHead · 17/02/2021 07:10

All sounds unusual, the most striking thing to me is the phone (why give to a casual friend from a hobby, and leave my settings on there)

Going to same holiday resort as someone you know (by chance) is really not that unusual, I’ve bumped into people I know at airports/ on holiday from time to time. In 2019 my boss & I ended up in same resort (didn’t realise at time) ... definitely no affair! I’ve also ended up on same flights as good friends etc

billybagpuss · 17/02/2021 07:12

How did you find out about the friendship? (Sorry if I’ve missed this)

justilou1 · 17/02/2021 07:24

Where there's smoke there's fire. Sorry.

Namechangegame123 · 17/02/2021 07:57

What are the things you've found in your house that are making you suspicious?

Esspee · 17/02/2021 07:59

In my experience when you finally understand something has been going on you realise that you had noticed so many things in the past which should have alerted you but somehow hadn’t.
I am not explaining this very well. For me one day the penny dropped.
I hope you stay strong.

Willow4987 · 17/02/2021 08:07

Sorry op, I haven’t read the full thread only your posts so I’m not sure if this has been asked but how did you find out about this woman after all this time?

It certainly sounds very suspicious and to be honest his excuse if he forgot to tell you about her for years is weak and flimsy. You don’t forget to tell your partner about someone you’re talking to or I’m assuming meeting up with for years...

alreadytaken · 17/02/2021 08:11

so someone one of you knows happens to have been in an airport at the same time as you. You didnt see her on the plane or in the resort and have no proof she went to the same place. Yet you are convinced she was and your husband booked a trip so they could meet. You are obviously fed up and looking for any excuse to leave.

He gets a text from a colleague - once in 4 weeks - and you jump to the conclusion he's sent a valentines card.

Maybe he is chasing after everyone in sight (and by text those not in sight) or maybe you are reading too much into a minor coincidence.

Pluas · 17/02/2021 08:13

How can you be so certain it’s her, from the distant background of a photo you say yourself is blurry, where she’s in an adjacent coach, in profile, looking down?