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Original poster

Are they playing some sort of weird game?

203 replies

NewYearDahlia · 02/02/2021 10:40

I recently found out that DH has a long-standing friendship (I'm talking years) with a woman and I knew nothing about the friendship. DH tells me there's nothing to worry about.
Unfortunately I am beginning to think there's much more to it that I don't understand. Looking through the photos on my phone, I took a photo of DH on a coach we were on waiting to leave the airport the last holiday before lockdown. In the background through the opposite window I can see her sitting on the next fucking coach to ours. She's in profile, looking down at her phone, it's definitely her. At the time I took the photo, DH was also on his phone - it's in his hand. It looks like he was having a messenger conversation but the image is blurry.

I know some people are going to think I'm trolling but I can assure you this situation I'm in is horribly true - so much that it's made me feel very anxious because I don't know what's going on. I'm not going to ask him about this photo - we've had the chat about the friendship and he's adamant nothing is going on.

I know at one point she had access to the photos on his old phone because he gave it to her and it was updating despite him saying he thought he'd reset it. I'm now wondering if they shared location via this phone.

I didn't see her on the plane nor in the airport, nor during the holiday.
Just wondering if anyone knows if this is a thing - like, do two people who maybe 'like' one another do 'naughty' little things - like booking the same holidays - as fucked up as it sounds - for the kick of it?

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 11/02/2021 02:12

God op, the secret frienship alone is enough to end things.
I would get your ducks in a row, organise the financials on the quiet.
It won't do you any harm to sort this, get ahead.

I think I would hold fire though with telling him, do some more digging as I think he's the type to seriously gaslight you.

If this is right with the holiday he's a cocky one isn't he?
Or she is.
It show's one of them is obsessed with the other, who the hell does that.

Find out what you can, then present your evidence.

Good luck.

Original poster
NewYearDahlia · 12/02/2021 10:46

Just wanted to thank all those who gave advice. It has certainly given me much food for thought and has helped me to start thinking about my future and what I want.
I think I got so caught up in trying to establish what was going on with all this shit about the photo, and other stuff, that I couldn't see the bigger picture.
I did talk to him again about why the secrecy and I think he must have felt backed into a corner as he reacted aggressively (not physically). Later on he said that it hadn't been an intentional secret kept from me and he said he wouldn't go to the hobby any more so he wouldn't see her.
I decided to hold back on mentioning the photo to him due to risk of him gaslighting me.
He seems to have been quite affected by me talking to him about this. He seems quite stressed, on-edge body language, and keeps making mistakes.
It hurts massively to think that the person I thought I knew so well and was supposed to have my back could actually have done this - how he could have been so adept that I didn't notice for so long yet looking back there were massive red flags.

OP posts:
sunnydays78 · 12/02/2021 11:34

Do you think it’s still going on now?

IthinkIm · 12/02/2021 11:52

Did he book the holiday all on his own?

Hesfamousforit · 12/02/2021 11:59

What the hell I'd be printing that photo and making him eat it. He's a lying scum bag

Original poster
NewYearDahlia · 12/02/2021 12:45

@sunnydays78

Do you think it’s still going on now?
Possibly, if he's adept at compartmentalising.
OP posts:
Original poster
NewYearDahlia · 12/02/2021 12:48

@IthinkIm

Did he book the holiday all on his own?
Yes he found a late deal and booked it. A relatively unusual choice of location for us I have to say.
OP posts:
Original poster
NewYearDahlia · 12/02/2021 12:56

@Hesfamousforit

What the hell I'd be printing that photo and making him eat it. He's a lying scum bag
Yes. If I was having an affair, I would think never in a million years would I want to be at the same holiday location as my AP. It's just weird . That's what I am struggling with - the freakishness twilight-zone nature of it. Bottom line: I suppose I should learn to accept that other people aren't like me.
OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 12/02/2021 13:00

I feel I'm leaning towards stalking tbh. If she was on a hen night then that would have likely been broken well in advance, where as he found the tickets last-minute so...

Unless he was sneaking out whilst you were asleep... is it possible, she didnt even know he was there?

When you say you found out about a 'long standing friendship', what do you mean exactly?

Tbh, I'd say nothing more to him. Bit I would fb message her in a light and breezy way, suggesting a couples meal out when covid lifts as you'd really like to meet your husbands friend. See how she responds.

Or even just send her a copy of the picture with an arrow pointing to the three of you and a '?'.

Wanderlusto · 12/02/2021 13:01

*booked well in advance

RantyAnty · 12/02/2021 13:10

Yes, even odder he chose the holiday and booked it and it wasn't a place either of you would go.

Ilovelove · 12/02/2021 13:10

Hmmm it does sound like he has a place in his brain that is for her, that drives him to some very strange behaviour. That is so weird that he booked a holiday so he could just be near her. That his reaction, since you bringing it up again, is no nervy. Is another red flag.

Whether its an infatuation, unrequired love or a reciprocated thing - I am not sure you are going to get the answer directly from him.

This is such a trust breaking situation- it isn't small, there is an intentional duplicitousness in this situation. Your gut instinct is spot on even with out specific details.

Ilovelove · 12/02/2021 13:11

so nervy

Original poster
NewYearDahlia · 12/02/2021 13:13

@Wanderlusto I am just surmising that she was on the hen party. I didn't see her there. But then obviously I wasnt looking for her at the time, in fact, I probably would not have recognised her if I had passed her in the street at the time. No, I didn't see her at all on the holiday - the only reason I have just realised now that she was on the coach next to ours because of this photo.
It's 'funny' but at the time we were boarding the coach I had a vague sense that there was some sort of minor commotion or movement on the other coach. It seemed to me that there was a couple of women waving or fooling around, and I did think he noticed because he sort of looked over and smiled maybe. But I didn't think at the time that it might be someone he actually knew as he didn't comment at all on it.
No, I don't think he's stalking her in the sense you mean.

OP posts:
DaphneBridgerton · 12/02/2021 13:16

God, this is so weird. Seems quite extreme to book a holiday to snatch an hour here or there with someone. Wouldn't it be easier to just do that at home?! Someone mentioned stalking which actually does feel more likely at this point. How good are your detective skills OP?

toocold54 · 12/02/2021 13:38

My first reaction was that you are crazy!
But reading more of your posts this has happened to me a couple of times. I have a close male friend who knows I am going somewhere and then happens to go close to the same place at the same time - but he's never messaged me to ask to meet up or anything so I can only assume it's more coincidence/thinks it's a good idea.

Carandi · 12/02/2021 13:47

You state in your OP that you believe they were having a Messenger conversation. Were the recent notifications from Messenger too? If yes, are you able to access his Facebook account when it's logged in? If you can then you're able to download a history of messages sent through Messenger.

TigsytheTiger · 12/02/2021 14:04

Is she on facebook OP? If she is could you look and see if she posted holiday photos the same time you were away? They should show the location and at least you would get some confirmation it is her the photo and she was at the same resort?

IthinkIm · 12/02/2021 15:01

Maybe it was just someone who looked like her. It's unlikely you wouldn't have seen her either at check in, the uk airport waiting to board, on the plane or once getting baggage etc

I think now I'm thinking about it it probably wasn't her.

BraxtonChic · 12/02/2021 17:43

@Anotheruser02

I think he booked it to make sure he was at the front of her mind when she was on a girls holiday, he was probably worried she would meet someone for some holiday fun. He will make you feel unreasonable for bringing it up because it's inconvenient for him that you can see what is right in front of your face, not because you are wrong. Sorry OP Flowers
I thought this too.

If you are conducting a L/T affair of some sort and want to maintain the status quo, you have to be a) lying and gaslighting both parties and b) maintaining a significant level of control of both parties.

For some reason or other it suited him to arrange to be on holiday at the same time and in the same place as her. Risk taking for the hell of it, maybe, or some kind of controlling behaviour? Also possible.

What's his personality like OP, is he controlling in any way generally?

Onthedunes · 12/02/2021 18:29

I think the first thing to do is to establish whether that was 100% her on the other coach. Pictures can be deceiving. Obviously look on facebook, insta, twitter for any proof she was away at same time. Find her friends, they may have posted something.

I think its entirely posibble you are right, but he may not have been the one to book after her. I've known plenty of young lasses who booked in a group only to find out one of their boyfriends was in the same resort, to keep an eye on them.

It could go either way, does he normally book the holidays, my partner never did.

The keeping a frienship for many years stands out to me as thats what pathalogical liars do. If you are correct, there will be much more.
Your eyes will be opened now.

Try to keep quiet, these sorts are fanatastic at feigning ignorance and innocence.
The lies I uncovered were much wierder than this, so yes it's a scenario that is possible.

Onthedunes · 12/02/2021 18:30

@IthinkIm

Maybe it was just someone who looked like her. It's unlikely you wouldn't have seen her either at check in, the uk airport waiting to board, on the plane or once getting baggage etc

I think now I'm thinking about it it probably wasn't her.

Why would she see her in check in etc, she didn't know what she looked like at that point.
Closetbeanmuncher · 12/02/2021 18:40

Don't mention it. Keep searching, stay alert. Avoid sex. He's cheating

I agree with the above and based on the 'aggressive reaction' post even more so.

Yes some people really are that weird as to book the same resort - I would be keeping quiet and watching him like a hawk.

mrsbitaly · 12/02/2021 19:12

Oh my gosh how awful that you are going through this. Its extremely odd that he would hide a friendship for so long that in its self must ring alarm bells. This photo is really concerning you really should pull him on it you have a right to know. Can you chat to this friend I assume your DH if he was being genuine wouldn't mind if it put your mind at ease? Surely it would be nicer if you could all be friends? You'll know when you pull him if he's being genuine it would be interesting to see what excuse he would come up with. I'm sorry you have been put in this position just remember you haven't done anything wrong it's up to him to earn your trust back after hiding his friendship.

ChristmasFluff · 12/02/2021 19:13

And here's another red flag you missed - you didn't want to bring it up with him.