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Original poster

Are they playing some sort of weird game?

203 replies

NewYearDahlia · 02/02/2021 10:40

I recently found out that DH has a long-standing friendship (I'm talking years) with a woman and I knew nothing about the friendship. DH tells me there's nothing to worry about.
Unfortunately I am beginning to think there's much more to it that I don't understand. Looking through the photos on my phone, I took a photo of DH on a coach we were on waiting to leave the airport the last holiday before lockdown. In the background through the opposite window I can see her sitting on the next fucking coach to ours. She's in profile, looking down at her phone, it's definitely her. At the time I took the photo, DH was also on his phone - it's in his hand. It looks like he was having a messenger conversation but the image is blurry.

I know some people are going to think I'm trolling but I can assure you this situation I'm in is horribly true - so much that it's made me feel very anxious because I don't know what's going on. I'm not going to ask him about this photo - we've had the chat about the friendship and he's adamant nothing is going on.

I know at one point she had access to the photos on his old phone because he gave it to her and it was updating despite him saying he thought he'd reset it. I'm now wondering if they shared location via this phone.

I didn't see her on the plane nor in the airport, nor during the holiday.
Just wondering if anyone knows if this is a thing - like, do two people who maybe 'like' one another do 'naughty' little things - like booking the same holidays - as fucked up as it sounds - for the kick of it?

OP posts:
Anotheruser02 · 09/02/2021 16:58

I think he booked it to make sure he was at the front of her mind when she was on a girls holiday, he was probably worried she would meet someone for some holiday fun.

He will make you feel unreasonable for bringing it up because it's inconvenient for him that you can see what is right in front of your face, not because you are wrong. Sorry OP Flowers

DontBeShelfish · 09/02/2021 16:59

I'm with @Bluntness100 on this one. No way would I leave that alone. Unless you're biding your time to get your ducks in a row, in which case I understand your reluctance to approach him.

Have you considered that his constant asking you who's messaged you might be deflection? Cheaters often accuse their partners of doing the dirty, for example.

Cockenspiel · 09/02/2021 17:15

My thoughts are that he is dodgy - if he is always all over you when you get messages that often means projection because he is the cheat / sneak.

Personally I would be watching and waiting and probably making subtle attempts to check his phone for all messaging apps and any social media.

Cockenspiel · 09/02/2021 17:16

What is the background on this friendship? Who is she and how does he know her?

CoronaIsShit · 09/02/2021 17:39

Could he have crept out to meet her while you were asleep do you think? Horrible thought I know.

That’s too much of a coincidence that she was on the next coach. Assuming at your holiday destination?

I’d stay quiet and dig, dig, dig first. Give it a week or so and if nothing shows up then ask him about it in a ‘I’ve just noticed this, what a coincidence’ way. If he’s going out regularly, I’d be checking where’s he’s going.

You have reason enough to snoop and I wouldn’t give him a chance to hide it even more by confronting without trying to find more evidence.

moreofalurker · 09/02/2021 17:42

I'm sorry but why can't u bring it up again? You have just found out he has a friend u know nothing about?
If the roles were reversed would he?
I would of lost it by now so fair dues to ur calmness.
This would kill me knowing he has booked a holiday just be be near or around her.
I think u should gather up ur info and hit him with it tonight.

Ludo19 · 09/02/2021 17:42

I agree with others on here.

He's coming across overly concerned about who is messaging you as he's the one who is doing it, as someone mentioned, projection.

I couldn't leave it alone, I hope you do ask him outright and gauge his reaction. Be prepared for being called a psycho, paranoid, mental etc etc etc......classic lines when they're caught out but make you think you're off your head. Good luck

Offside · 09/02/2021 17:50

I remember a big family holiday we went on, aunties, uncles, cousins, and one of my uncles disappeared a few times, was easy to do without anyone noticing too much as there were so many of us. Anyway, turned out his OW had flown out for a break with him and he was going off meeting her, so it does happen OP. And if that is definitely her in that photo, I’m not sure there is a reasonable explanation for that.

YoniAndGuy · 09/02/2021 18:03

You certainly can keep bringing it up.

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2021 18:08

Exactly, something new has come to light. So you raise it. It’s not like going over old ground

The “I can’t bring it up again” is concerning. In a healthy relationship that’s exactly what you do.

So this indicates op there is a bigger issue at play?

MsDogLady · 09/02/2021 18:17

OP, you recently wrote about your discovery of this 10 year friendship. You saw text notifications from her. They shared a weekly hobby before lockdown, and although you knew of her and her first name, you had no idea that they were good friends who were texting.

So, in a nutshell, you went on holiday and later found out about their long-term friendship and that they’ve been messaging. Then you discovered that she was present during your holiday.

You say you cannot bring this up again, but I would reconsider. You have new information—the photo and the knowledge that she was there. I wouldn’t hesitate to show him the photo. He obviously wanted to be near her, and could have met up during the hours when you were alone on the beach.

picklemewalnuts · 09/02/2021 18:19

"He's all over me like a rash the minute my phone pings, asking who it is, and it's only usually a handful of people who contact me anyway."

This is worrying.

HollowTalk · 09/02/2021 18:46

I have known women who were having affairs who would definitely have done this and got a kick out of it.

How did you find out about the friendship? Had he simply never mentioned her?

HollowTalk · 09/02/2021 18:46

I wonder who he thinks is contacting you - it sounds as though he's worried someone's going to spill the beans rather than being worried about you having an affair yourself.

Newt432 · 09/02/2021 18:50

You went looking for trouble....searching to find something.
Adding up 2+2 and getting 500

Maybe he didn’t tell you because he knew how you were?

Just ask him. If you don’t believe him leave him.

mistletoeandsigh · 09/02/2021 18:51

I thought the same as hollowtalk. He's worried that someone will tell you something.

Even if he has changed phones, his fb messenger (did you say he was using that) could still have those messages.

This all sounds pretty weird.

EKGEMS · 09/02/2021 18:54

@Newt432 Your comment is so beyond the pale and rude-her husband is quite possibly having an affair and gaslighting her and now you are also!

DeusEx · 09/02/2021 18:55

@picklemewalnuts

"He's all over me like a rash the minute my phone pings, asking who it is, and it's only usually a handful of people who contact me anyway."

This is worrying.

Guilty conscience?
mylovelydd · 09/02/2021 19:00

How did you discover this friendship OP? You say you only just found out and had no idea so I wondered how it came about before this grim discovery.
It's a weird sort of intimacy they seem to share if they are booking holidays secretly to be near each other. The sort of intimacy a man shouldn't have with other women who aren't their wife.
That alone would be enough for me to leave him.

MsDogLady · 09/02/2021 19:06

OP noticed message notifications. See my post above. He and this woman shared a hobby, and OP only knew of her and her first name, not that they were good friends.

Newt432 · 09/02/2021 19:50

But if you can’t address the issue then the relationship isn’t even there.
If it is gaslighting then the OP needs to get out.

WatieKatie · 09/02/2021 20:10

Are you absolutely sure it’s her OP?

Could you look on her social media to find any evidence of her being on holiday at the same time or the same location as you?

Do you know if they meet up with one another in daily life?

BeautifulStar · 09/02/2021 20:15

Sounds like something out if a film! Could she be stalking you both? I’m stumped.

I would’ve said it sounds like they were in cahoots but if he was with you the whole time apart from an hour or two I’m not sure...

Nothing would surprise me with men though.

BeautifulStar · 09/02/2021 20:21

I think he booked it to make sure he was at the front of her mind when she was on a girls holiday, he was probably worried she would meet someone for some holiday fun.
He will make you feel unreasonable for bringing it up because it's inconvenient for him that you can see what is right in front of your face, not because you are wrong. Sorry OP flowers

Oh, after reading the other stuff - this^^

Whether he’s having an affair or just stalking her you should get rid ASAP. There’s really no innocent explanation is there?

JamesMcAvoyswife · 11/02/2021 01:16

It’s very likely (in my mind) that they could be having an affair. Most people cheat for the thrill, he had probably mentioned the holiday and she decided to tag along (unknowingly by you). Can you remember roughly what time you went to sleep? It’s very possible that he snook out when you were asleep and met her. Also, considering you didn’t know her until very recently maybe there were subtle things they did and you looked past it.

I’d tell him the friendship is over if he wants to remain with you. Tell him you do not trust him and if he respects you he WILL cut her off. You need to confront him and see his reaction.