Are they playing some sort of weird game?

[NewYearDahlia]

I recently found out that DH has a long-standing friendship (I'm talking years) with a woman and I knew nothing about the friendship. DH tells me there's nothing to worry about.
Unfortunately I am beginning to think there's much more to it that I don't understand. Looking through the photos on my phone, I took a photo of DH on a coach we were on waiting to leave the airport the last holiday before lockdown. In the background through the opposite window I can see her sitting on the next fucking coach to ours. She's in profile, looking down at her phone, it's definitely her. At the time I took the photo, DH was also on his phone - it's in his hand. It looks like he was having a messenger conversation but the image is blurry.

I know some people are going to think I'm trolling but I can assure you this situation I'm in is horribly true - so much that it's made me feel very anxious because I don't know what's going on. I'm not going to ask him about this photo - we've had the chat about the friendship and he's adamant nothing is going on.

I know at one point she had access to the photos on his old phone because he gave it to her and it was updating despite him saying he thought he'd reset it. I'm now wondering if they shared location via this phone.

I didn't see her on the plane nor in the airport, nor during the holiday.
Just wondering if anyone knows if this is a thing - like, do two people who maybe 'like' one another do 'naughty' little things - like booking the same holidays - as fucked up as it sounds - for the kick of it?

Is she on social media? Are there any pictures/posts from the time of the holiday which would allude to why she was there (e.g. hen party like you suspect), this would at least give some indication if there is something going on between the two of them or if it’s a case of your OH being infatuated with her and her possibly being unaware of it.

It’s a very difficult situation to deal with, especially if he’s adept at gaslighting you. I know it’s probably not recommended but IMO if someone will not be honest and will repeatedly try and convince you that you’re imagining all this, the only sure fire way is to track their movements and behaviour - which means you may have to wait until lockdown is over.

Hmmm very odd. I mean, just keeping a friendship secret is odd enough but to be at the same holiday resort is just weird.
Keep your eyes and ears wide open.

honestly doesn't sound right. I would not accept a close friendship like that as more to do it. Why does he need this woman in his life? The issue is with phones, I notice my husband is on his a lot. You really need to resolve this as it will eat up at you. Feel so sorry for you. Its so. horrible to go through.

Have I missed something but how can you be sure a photo of someone in the background on a totally different coach that isn’t even looking at the camera is someone who you don’t even know we’ll? There are a lot of assumptions being made and unless you’re Poirot and have a nose for these things, I’d look for some actual evidence before making accusations.

*well

I decided to hold back on mentioning the photo to him due to risk of him gaslighting me

This says everything you need to know about your relationship. The whys and wherefores are irrelevant - don't bog yourself down in them.

Are you going to leave?

Maybe she’s a “new friend”that he met ON the holiday and stayed in touch with? Holiday shag?

The old friend this is a coverup

Oh god this reminds me of my friend. She’s been in a relationship for 5 years and apparently loves him, they’re getting married. But she booked a city trip for us and two other friends, handled everything. Then was insistent we went to this bar on the first night and what do you know, her ex was there with his mates. She spent the whole trip ‘bumping into him’. Definitely planned by her but he looked mortified. Such stalker behaviour! I guess you need to know if he did it himself or if they planned it together. He might have an obsession with her that’s not reciprocated like my friend..

I'm not sure.

• He has had a hobby for years.
• You knew he knew a woman who shared the hobby but didn't know they text each other.
• You challenged and he swore there was nothing going on.
• You know he gave her an old phone of his? (he told you?)
• After thinking about it you go through old photos of a holiday and find one where you think you can see her on a coach next to yours.
• You've challenged him again about the friendship (before valentines day) and he has said he didn't keep it an intentional secret and will stop the hobby. He's visibly shaken.
• He received a text from a woman the day after valentines day and now you think this is a 2nd affair partner.
• He didn't get you anything for valentines day.
• You've remembered that 8 years ago your neighbours told you a woman had knocked on your door while you were out and think this was her.

Hmm. I believe what you are saying OP, but i'm not entirely sure posters here should be whipping you up into a frenzy like this. I think if you think he's having an affair you need to quietly dig around and see if this woman was really on the same holiday as you, because without this bit frankly the 'texting someone you didn't realise was a friend and being worried about it' bit isn't a reason to end a marriage.

Thinking long and hard about this. I think the advice to keep your eyes and ears open is good. Be cautious about thinking of events from the past which might have been a bit odd (eg. woman knocking at your door) because it is all too easy to start going into overdrive. There will be some things that do have a perfectly reasonable explanation. However, from here on in start to observe things carefully. Where is his phone? Does he leave it lying around? Does he go out and be very explicit that you don’t go with him?

This could be a matter of him wanting friendships that are exclusive to him and not part of your relationship. My ex-DH had some psychological issues around rejection and would form friendships with women to try to compensate for the rejection he had experienced from his mother (his mother had left the family home when he was 11 and gone to live in a different country, having no contact with him until he was in his 20s). It was like he needed other women to tell him he was ok and to like him. It was all very damaging to our relationship as I felt he would get infatuated with these women. He was very capable of compartmentalising this from his life with me. Didn’t see that doing this impacted hugely on our relationship and was causing damage.

He is clearly wanting a friendship to fulfil a purpose for him. Is he insecure? Insecure about his looks? Needing female validation? Does he have male friends or seem preoccupied with female friends? Do you have joint friends?

I’m any case OP, this is very difficult for you to live with and I think you need to start looking after yourself. Put yourself first. Think about what you need and want.

Take care of yourself and PM me if it would help.

Oh love, this sounds so painful

What items did you find in your home?

I don’t like the sound of this husband at all.

It's true what a pp upthread says - sometimes with threads like this with people needing advice it's very helpful to (go back and) read only the OPs posts.

Without the 'OMG similar happened to my friend and this and this this' stories and the suggestions of possible details which OP has 'missed' there is a much clearer picture.

OP needs advice - not plot ideas for a soap opera.

Can you ask her?

This situation is exactly the same as the start of the short story The Octopus Nest by Sophie Hannah. It’s the first story in a book called The Fantastic Book of Everybody’s Secrets

I'm not suggesting do nothing OP, just to be clear. Or that you are wrong. But please keep calm and think again about what you are adding up here.

Have you a friend in RL that you can tell all the basic facts to? Someone who knows you well. See what they say?

Why do people always offer advice like 'catch him?' Just break up with him like anyone should if they genuinely suspect partner of cheating.

@Lilyargin

This situation is exactly the same as the start of the short story The Octopus Nest by Sophie Hannah. It’s the first story in a book called The Fantastic Book of Everybody’s Secrets

Wow! What a co-incidence ...

Can you elaborate on the items you found? And how he revealed this friendship to you? It did sound quite likely that there was something more than a friendship going on, possibly on his side. But that is just a theory at the moment isnt it... I wouldn't be looking for more affair partners etc. unless you have really compelling evidence. As that will just distract you from the real issue which is how you feel about this situation.

I'm not saying he's definitely not having an affair, but from the facts you've posted, it does seem that there could be rational explanations for these things.

The two main things seem to be the photograph and the weird incident with a woman knocking on your door.

With the holiday/ photo, I certainly think it's possible that someone would book a holiday at the same time as AP in order to sneak time together. For sure, that happens. But you said your husband was with you most of the time and barely left apart from the odd trip to the shops. So that would be weird - why book that holiday if he's barely going to see her? He would have been making excuses to leave you and go and see her, surely?

And who knows what was going on with the woman knocking at your door. Did you ask your DH about it afterwards? It could literally have been someone in distress needing some help or something - who knows?

If there is a build up of more things that are suspicious then possibly, but from the facts you've actually posted I'm really on the fence about whether there would be anything to truly worry about or if you might be jumping to a conclusion. Are there other solid things that have happened that give you cause to doubt him? Do you think it's possible that your imagination is running away? I don't know and don't want to make you doubt yourself because you may just have a gut feeling that you don't trust this man - in which case, perhaps you shouldn't stay with him anyway.

I think the only way you'd know for sure (without waiting and waiting for more evidence) is if you confront him about it. You could always show him the photo and innocently be like "Oh look, its X! Did you know that she was on that trip too? Isn't that weird" and see how he reacts.

I don't know the answer and it must be horrible to feel like you don't / can't trust your spouse. But perhaps by the time you don't trust them the relationship is already damaged? I hope you manage to find a solution and work things out for yourself, whatever that may be.

I thought this sounded familiar @lilyargin

Have you looked at her Facebook page. Surely she would have checked in at the resort and posted holidays pics?

@SummerBlondey

Have you looked at her Facebook page. Surely she would have checked in at the resort and posted holidays pics?

This is the route to drama.

You don't fix relationship problems by finding out if the other woman is guilty. She's a symptom, not the cause.

The fact he had a long standing friendship with a woman for many years and never told you,I think I'd just leave him for that alone,he's sneaky and you are never going to be able to trust him.

Stop, think and work through your suspicions without saying anything to him.

Firstly, you really need to verify the woman in the coach pic is definitely her. Check her FB, her friends’ FB - find out for sure.

You can then move on to other possible issues eg you could ask your neighbour what the woman she saw looked like.

Gather your evidence quietly and then you’re in control. Also, you won’t alert him too much and push him/them undercover.

What an actual rat bag he is!