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Original poster

Why does this happen? Would like to hear from any men too.

170 replies

ColdInTheUtility · 02/02/2021 07:06

I'm late 30s. I've a friend who is the same age as me. Physically, we're very different - she's 5'8, blonde and a size 20. I'm 5'3, brunette and a size 12. We're both single.

We were discussing our relationship histories recently and she was surprised that every man I've dated has either commented negatively on my weight/size directly or made it clear that they prefer slim women - hence being single! Whereas she has never had that.

She is very popular with men and is never short of male attention. Her last boyfriend adored her. Pre-covid, she found plenty of lovers online and in real life etc and not one has ever said anything other than they love her curves, love her body etc. Not one man she has been involved with (either in a relationship or casually) has ever made a negative comment about her body.

We were both bit surprised that our experiences are so different and couldn'treally explain it..

I'd say that we're quite similar in terms of confidence generally and life experiences and she is more outgoing than I am. But neither of us can explain this vastly different experience when it comes to men so we thought we'd seek the wisdom of mumsnet.

OP posts:
PositiveLife · 02/02/2021 10:41

I'd say it's likely that people interested in her are really aware of her size so she attracts people who aren't bothered.
You're probably attracting people who wouldn't ever go for her and they're more judgemental/picky about size.

I've had similar - I'm larger than other people doing the sports I do so I tend to get comments about it (I'm a 12 but I'd guess most are 6-8). If I was a 20, I'd probably not be attracting those people at all.

JaimeLeeCurtains · 02/02/2021 10:45

@PositiveLife

I'd say it's likely that people interested in her are really aware of her size so she attracts people who aren't bothered. You're probably attracting people who wouldn't ever go for her and they're more judgemental/picky about size.

I've had similar - I'm larger than other people doing the sports I do so I tend to get comments about it (I'm a 12 but I'd guess most are 6-8). If I was a 20, I'd probably not be attracting those people at all.

This is a really thought-provoking reply.
startrek90 · 02/02/2021 10:48

You say she is more outgoing than you? That could also be a factor in that your quietness is interpreted as low self esteem and so those men feel like they can be horrible to you and you will accept it?

Janaih · 02/02/2021 10:54

Extra pounds are more forgiving the taller you are. I'm guessing she also has large breasts. That helps. As does being blonde.

Original poster
ColdInTheUtility · 02/02/2021 10:54

PositiveLife

Tbh, that's what she said! She said that men know what they're getting with her and so they are actively attracted to her size whereas men might see me and not expect me to have a roll of fat or cellulite under my clothes! Bit shit really!

You say she is more outgoing than you?

Its relative. She's more outgoing than me, not that I'm not outgoing at all or quiet. She's really loud - life and soul of the party and will talk to anyone. I'm just not like that but I don't have low self esteem or lack confidence.

I've done a lot of dumping in my life! They don't last long one the comments start...

OP posts:
Countingthebeat · 02/02/2021 10:55

I think that positivelife hit the nail on the head . I’m just like you coldintheutility in that most men I’ve been with in the past have made negative comments when my weight was less perhaps hoping to bully me or shame me into losing just a bit of weight to suit their tastes better I know women who are larger who have the same experience as your friend and I’m guessing it’s because the men dating them knew that they were dating a significantly larger woman and that’s what they were into
I think when your not significantly larger than a man hopes he may think he will be fine with it and then decide to get on your case about the few extra pounds ‘he’ thinks your carrying
Whereas if it’s a man who’s looking for a size 20 gf he’s likely to want a size 20 in the first place .

Ianar · 02/02/2021 10:56

Man here. Exactly what PositiveLife says.

Her size will be an obvious feature from the outset so all the men bothered by it will not pursue her.

Men who place more importance on figure are more likely to be picky in this area.

Nothing more to it.

Original poster
ColdInTheUtility · 02/02/2021 10:56

Extra pounds are more forgiving the taller you are. I'm guessing she also has large breasts. That helps. As does being blonde

That's true.

She does have enormous breasts! Grin

Mine are still pretty plentiful though - just in keeping with the rest of me 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Countingthebeat · 02/02/2021 10:56

And yes good for you re dumping once the comments start . No one need that bullshit . If they don’t like the way a woman is to begin with they have no business dating her

Countingthebeat · 02/02/2021 10:57

@Ianar

Man here. Exactly what PositiveLife says.

Her size will be an obvious feature from the outset so all the men bothered by it will not pursue her.

Men who place more importance on figure are more likely to be picky in this area.

Nothing more to it.

If they put so much ‘importance on figure ‘ that they think a 12 is too big they have no business dating a size 12 . Users
Original poster
ColdInTheUtility · 02/02/2021 10:58

It's more the negative body shaming comments. She has never had anyone comment negatively at all. I've had them a lot.

It's just shit. I feel like I'm destined to he single because I'm not small enough to attract men who like slim women but not big enough to attract men who like larger women!

OP posts:
Original poster
ColdInTheUtility · 02/02/2021 11:01

If they put so much ‘importance on figure ‘ that they think a 12 is too big they have no business dating a size 12 .

Well quite.

It's obvious I'm a curvy 12. It's obvious from what I wear that I've got boobs, waist and a bum. If they want someone more straight up and down and 'skinny' why ask me out in the first place?

It just feels really nasty tbh.

OP posts:
Happycat1212 · 02/02/2021 11:02

Well this obviously isn’t normal for most women is it?? I’m a size 18 and men don’t even look twice at me, I might as well be invisible. Yet when I was a size 12 I was always getting attention from men, I’ve been up and down and I notice that I only start attracting men when I lose weight, she’s probably attracting guys that are into bbw, I think if you asked most men most men would choose a size 12 over a size 20.

Original poster
ColdInTheUtility · 02/02/2021 11:03

It's more that she has never had the comments and I've never not had them.

She knows that men won't fancy her because of her size but she's never had anyone date her or have sex with her and comment.

She gets complimented on her body all the time. The only time I do is by sleazy drunk men in the pub who are just trying to cop off with anyone.

OP posts:
NonagonInfinityOpensTheDoor · 02/02/2021 11:04

Yeah I’d agree with positive. I’m very overweight and never had comments about my weight with men I’m involved with. I’ve had a lot of aggressive comments from strangers and abuse just shouted at me on the street from strangers on the other hand Hmm

crochetmonkey74 · 02/02/2021 11:08

I am the same as your friend OP- I have low self esteem about my weight- In therapy we unpicked that no man has ever been anything other than complimentary about my body and made me feel fanciable- my worry has all been from myself/ society and damaging things my mum said about herself (she was plump and struggled with it)
I am a 5 foot 4 blonde size 20 too

Original poster
ColdInTheUtility · 02/02/2021 11:08

Happycat1212
I'm not saying that I never get attention from men just that, when we've got a few dates or weeks or a couple of months in, the comments start.

I don't get complimented even in relationships.

OP posts:
KnobJockey · 02/02/2021 11:10

I think if you're a size 12, some men may think there's a chance that you're just carrying a bit extra from Christmas, so if they like slim (-mer than a 12) figure, there's a chance they may be able to get you there through shaming you, encouraging you to diet and exercise, etc. If someone is attracted to size 10 and under women, then 12 is not far off- size 20 is, and it's very unlikely they could convince someone to diet that far...
Good for you for getting rid.

Happycat1212 · 02/02/2021 11:11

But you are making it sounds as though you think men prefer your friend at size 20 than a size 12 when likely thing is the men that said bad stuff about you wouldn’t look twice anyway not that men prefer a size 20

AIMD · 02/02/2021 11:14

Is your taste in men similar too?

I’m size 12 (and not particularly attractive peotportions either) and have never had a comment about my size or appearance from a partner.

Parsley1234 · 02/02/2021 11:23

@JaimeLeeCurtains that was an enlightening observation ! I am a 10/12 5ft 7 normally but have gained max a stone in my life and I’ve had so many ex’s complain about me letting myself go it’s very depressing and nonsense now I’m. Ugh more able to hold my own and tell them to jog on but I am 53 now it’s taken a long time to get there

gannett · 02/02/2021 11:27

As PP have said her being a size 20 is an asset. The men she dates don't go out with her despite her weight, they go out with her because of it and so they're happy with it.

But while the focus so far has been on the men who are attracted to both of you, I think the answer might also be to do with who you pick for yourselves. OP - presumably you're not being passive in terms of who you go out with. So your pattern is that you pick critical, rude men - which is nothing to do with your friend picking complimentary, positive men. (I doubt that every size 12 woman gets the comments you do!) Have a little think as to why that is and how you can avoid it in the future...

TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 02/02/2021 11:40

@ColdInTheUtility

It's more the negative body shaming comments. She has never had anyone comment negatively at all. I've had them a lot.

It's just shit. I feel like I'm destined to he single because I'm not small enough to attract men who like slim women but not big enough to attract men who like larger women!

I'd say its more she's big enough that she doesn't attract picky, entitled, shallow jerks whilst you, unfortunately do. It just means you have to be more vigilant for red flags - many decent guys won't care about body size/shae full stop if the chemistry is there, however you might have to filter the bad eggs out to find them.

Another thing that occurs to me is your height - the same way a lot of women go for men over 6ft because it makes them feel more "feminine", I know many men can be attracted to women 5ft 3 and under because they make them feel more "masculine". So it could be that, combined with your size, draws men who want to place that "manly man" rotector role, which naturally lends itself to controlling tendencies as well.

TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 02/02/2021 11:41

*protector not rotector

Ianar · 02/02/2021 11:42

@Countingthebeat

I am not condoning body shaming in any way. Just stating that such conversations could occur for people who place importance on size in relationships. For instance if you got with someone when they're 10st and a couple of years later they're 15st and your attraction towards them lessened because of this. Obviously there is a correct way of addressing the issue though, which doesn't involve shaming a person in any form.