Why does this happen? Would like to hear from any men too.

[ColdInTheUtility]

I'm late 30s. I've a friend who is the same age as me. Physically, we're very different - she's 5'8, blonde and a size 20. I'm 5'3, brunette and a size 12. We're both single.

We were discussing our relationship histories recently and she was surprised that every man I've dated has either commented negatively on my weight/size directly or made it clear that they prefer slim women - hence being single! Whereas she has never had that.

She is very popular with men and is never short of male attention. Her last boyfriend adored her. Pre-covid, she found plenty of lovers online and in real life etc and not one has ever said anything other than they love her curves, love her body etc. Not one man she has been involved with (either in a relationship or casually) has ever made a negative comment about her body.

We were both bit surprised that our experiences are so different and couldn'treally explain it..

I'd say that we're quite similar in terms of confidence generally and life experiences and she is more outgoing than I am. But neither of us can explain this vastly different experience when it comes to men so we thought we'd seek the wisdom of mumsnet.

It's a huge shame you've had this experience with all former partners.

FWIW I'm normally a 12, but was an 8 for a few years because I lost a lot of weight for some reason after splitting up with a long term partner.

Met a new fella as a sz8, who was hot and horny as anything it was a dream, but then he started commenting on my size, like "why don't you take up cycling your thighs would get slimmer" or what sort of shorts I should/shouldn't wear that made me look fat etc.
Needles to say he didn't last!

Now I'm back to size 12, have been for years, and with DH.

Neither my first LT partner or DH have ever commented on my size or weight. The sz8 boyfriend did!

I can only assume more men who are shallow go for slim partners, but not that having a slim partner necessarily makes you shallow, if you get me, just it's more probable.

Sounds like you're just dating arseholes.

Some interesting responses!

We go for very different men physically - she likes real gym bunnies with great physiques and muscles - give her a fireman or the well honed physique of a builder any day! Usually over 6ft (but not always). I'm a less bothered about physique and find those sorts of physiques quite unappealing - I think it's fair to say we'd never be in competition for the same man!!

Of course, I'm discerning about who I date. I don't accept many invitations on dates so I'm 'choosing' men rather than just going out with lots and kissing a lot of frogs as it were. She is far more indiscriminate (by her own admission) and will go on a date if they're hot I obviously don't know they're like this beforehand - the sort of men who advertise themselves to be twats before a first date wouldn't get that far! It seems to be a few weeks in when the comments start.

I'm sorry to hear that some women have had things said to them by strangers. That's really vile behaviour.

It's interesting though that other women have had similar experiences. It's not that either of us think men prefer size 20 over size 12, we were just surprised by each other's experiences that's all.

Given my experience, I was surprised that she'd never had a man she was shagging, dating or in a relationship with make negative comments, compare her unfavourably to other women or compliment other women for being hot/beautiful in her presence and, given her experiences, she was really surprised that I had.

That might sound like I get asked out all the time! I dont! I might date someone for a few weeks/months every couple of years or so.

She always has a man on the go in some capacity or other!

@ColdInTheUtility

That might sound like I get asked out all the time! I dont! I might date someone for a few weeks/months every couple of years or so.

She always has a man on the go in some capacity or other!

Could it just be that her men aren't long-term, serious prospects then OP? If they're not that seriously invested I can see how they might not be that bothered about getting her to change - as they'll be moving on to someone else shortly anyway.

If, on the other hand, your partners see you more as someone they're serious about, they'll be more keen to change you into something they'd prefer. Not that any of that makes their behaviour or attitude right - at the end of the day neither of you are finding someone decent who'll stay with you long term (presuming that's what you both want) no matter what your size/shape.

I don't think that explains it.

Her last relationship lasted 3 years. Mine don't get close to a year because I dump them. I've had several men ask me to reconsider etc, others be upset and tell me that they really liked me. But it didn't stop them from criticising me physically etc.

Whatever, I'm not going to stay with someone who criticises me and has nothing (or very little) nice to say about me.

It's not that I can't get someone to stay with me!

I have had casual flings before and they were no different. So, no, I don't think its that.

There's a range of things this could possibly be. For instance we all have our own subconscious draws in a partner. Maybe you are subconsciously drawn to critical people without realising where as your friend isn't. Maybe there's a blindness in comments. As in, many comments can be taken different ways and maybe your friend believes she never gets negative comments as she doesn't interpret / hear them that way. Not that I mean you are more sensitive or looking out for them. Finally a lot of men do like larger girls and that is very much their thing so she is meeting men who are looking for thay physical appearance. Where as you are perhaps meeting men who aren't as sure about what they are looking for and that presents as criticism.
All that said, so long as you are both happy and dating sensible people that deserve you that's all that matters.

I’ve had really weird experiences with this! I’m naturally slim (5’5, size 8). A few years back I lost weight after going through a bad time and looked really skinny. Suddenly men started commenting on how my body could be “improved” in a way they hadn’t when I was even a size or so bigger. They weren’t trying to get me to put on weight either, they were saying stuff like “you should do pilates so your tummy is more toned” etc

I think because I was so skinny I was attracting men that already liked that look, but it was awful and I hated it!

It hasn't seemed to have made any difference either way - whether they've been relationships or casual flings. We've discussed it at length.

At size a 20 your friend is pretty big and it's quite clear to everyone what size she is. She will be attracting men that probably have a preference for larger women. Men that don't find women of that size attractive simply wouldn't approach her.

It probably says more about the men you have the misfortune to meet than your size itself.
When I was early-mid twenties every guy I dated commented on my weight (I was a size 12, 5 foot 7). The amount of times I had my belly poked derisively , when they weren't an oil painting themselves.

I met my current partner in my late twenties when I was still a size 12. I've put on two stone since due to depression/comfort eating/lockdown. And the whole relationship he's never mentioned my weight in a negative way. He's older and more mature than those guys in my early twenties. I would not tolerate it now.

Sameoldboat78

I'm hyper aware of it though. Any indication that they are critical (eg about themselves, other people or me) is a huge red flag.

The last guy I dated quite honestly appeared to be the loveliest man - never had a bad word to say about anyone, polite, friendly, well liked, not OTT. But then all he did was tell me how beautiful other women were whilst finding nothing but criticism in me.

That didn't last long...

Even the real bastards my friend has dated haven't body shamed her!

I think because I was so skinny I was attracting men that already liked that look*

That makes sense. But is a really shit way to behave!

I’ve never had a man I’ve slept with or dated ever make a negative comment about my body, even if I feel negative about it myself.

You are clearly subconsciously attracting men who will do that to you. I think it’s really unusual.

Well, no, I don't tolerate it either.

Tbh, it's got so bad and predictable that I just dont bother dating any more.

At size a 20 your friend is pretty big and it's quite clear to everyone what size she is. She will be attracting men that probably have a preference for larger women. Men that don't find women of that size attractive simply wouldn't approach her.

That does make sense. But presumably the.men who ask me out are attracted to me.

You are clearly subconsciously attracting men who will do that to you

How do I change this?

Thinking about it more maybe your going for men who like slimmer women and you are the biggest they would normally go for so that’s why they are making comments? Whereas your friend is dating men who like bigger women, when I was a size 12 I had nothing but compliments!

Thinking about it more maybe your going for men who like slimmer women and you are the biggest they would normally go for

That's a fair point tbh.

Although, I'm hardly holding them to ransom! They are 'going for' me as much as I'm going for them.

They have a choice.

If I'm too big for them, they could just not ask me out rather than doing so and then criticising me!

Seems strange to me OP , is there anything in their online profile that references their interest in body type or that they like someone who looks after themselves (a euphemism for don't be fat)
Maybe that's the common factor. Anecdotally, we have been discussing this thread at work , and not one of the 12 women that are here today (of all shapes ages and sizes) have had men comment negatively on their bodies

when I was a size 12 I had nothing but compliments!

That actually makes me quite sad to read.

I'm actually quite comfortable with body. I don't love it bit how many women do? But I'm certainly not shy about it but it's making me feel like I don't even want to try again because I don't see the point.

I think that the pattern here is that you've attracted/dated the same type of man with the same character flaw. I like to call them losers.

I have been a size 8 pre child, up to a size 14 and now a 10- I've slept with and dated a variety of men at each size. Not once have any of them said anything negative- despite me being acutely aware of stretch marks, loose stomach skin, cellulite etc etc (I could go on ofc) I would be shocked and furious if my current partner uttered one word of criticism about my body because I wouldn't dream of picking holes in him.

Out of interest- do you ask them their opinion on your body/weight?Or do they offer up their observations unprompted?

Out of interest- do you ask them their opinion on your body/weight?Or do they offer up their observations unprompted?

I never criticise myself in front of anyone. It's not something I have discussed with even my closest girl friends. So, no, I'm not saying anything to elicit these comments. I never ask anyone how I look or if they think I'm fat or seek any compliment or validation on my appearance whatsoever. I don't want to hear the answers tbh.

Sometimes I've felt that the men were almost insulted that I'm not perfect but wasn't crippled with self doubt and hatred. I've had couple of men comment that they were surprised I'm happy to walk around naked in front of them. From the context, it's never meant as a compliment. I've had men tell me I should lose a few pounds. A few have made snidey comments about my bum or my thighs or my belly. I've been told that if X celebrity is the same age or older than me and looks like that, then there is no reason why I can't either.

And then there are those who never say anything. No criticisms but no compliments either. Like they don't want to lie so they just say nothing. But then will quite happily pass appreciative comments about women on tv and then there was the one who told me that he'd been so wowed by the appearance of a girl that day that he just had to compliment her and how he thought it was important to tell someone if you thought something nice about them whilst having said nothing nice about me at all. Obviously, none of these men lasted more than 24 hours max after these incidents before being roundly ousted from my life. I have a zero tolerance for it now.

The list goes on.

I tell a lie...

I bought a really cute dress recently. I asked what someone thought of my dress. They said it was really cute and went well with my boots. I said that's what I'd thought and that was it. I didnt expect anymore. I was asking about the dress, not me.

That's the closest I have come to drawing attention to myself/my appearance in years.

I think it’s exactly what a poster above said. A size 20 is ‘obviously’ big. It’s almost an identity thing, I have friends who are 20-26 type sizes and their identity and self confidence comes from being proud of their size and promoting how sexy they feel about it and the self confidence oozes through.

I am a size 8-10 and I am constantly trying to lose half a stone so I am less than 9 stone. I tell myself I will be happier when I’m under 9 stone. I feel confident in certain clothes but not others. When men look at me, I assume they see someone slim / small and then when they’d see that I’m not actually that toned or whatever it would be almost like ‘you could improve your body a lot’ whereas with one of my bigger friends, they would have been specifically picked for the way they look, and men would never want them to be smaller.

So to sum it up - some men deliberately go for larger women as that is what they are attracted to, and they love their bodies as they are almost a niche or a fetish even, they’d never criticize them

Some men want to be with women who have perfect bodies, slim, toned, like what you see on love island etc. when they get with an attractive, non-big woman say some one a size 8-14 type range, they feel they’ve achieved this, yet the woman isn’t perfect and they are almost disappointed

Another male perspective - PositiveLife had it on the first answer. Many men are attracted to larger women, and that's that, really.