Why does this happen? Would like to hear from any men too.

[ColdInTheUtility]

I'm late 30s. I've a friend who is the same age as me. Physically, we're very different - she's 5'8, blonde and a size 20. I'm 5'3, brunette and a size 12. We're both single.

We were discussing our relationship histories recently and she was surprised that every man I've dated has either commented negatively on my weight/size directly or made it clear that they prefer slim women - hence being single! Whereas she has never had that.

She is very popular with men and is never short of male attention. Her last boyfriend adored her. Pre-covid, she found plenty of lovers online and in real life etc and not one has ever said anything other than they love her curves, love her body etc. Not one man she has been involved with (either in a relationship or casually) has ever made a negative comment about her body.

We were both bit surprised that our experiences are so different and couldn'treally explain it..

I'd say that we're quite similar in terms of confidence generally and life experiences and she is more outgoing than I am. But neither of us can explain this vastly different experience when it comes to men so we thought we'd seek the wisdom of mumsnet.

It blows people's minds on MN that fat women can have boyfriends who aren't chubby chasers.

I didn’t mean that to be offensive by the way, it’s just that perhaps the type of men you dated aren’t very experienced with women and think social media is a realistic representation

I’ve ranged from size 8 to 14 (10 now) and the only man who has ever criticised my appearance was my most recent (and narcissistic) ex - I was size 8-10 when I was with him and to be fair it wasn’t my body he criticised - he just told me I was overall unattractive!

All my other men have complimented my appearance in relationships, and I’m no great beauty!

Your experience does sound really unusually bad OP. Would you say you are attracted to a certain “type” personality wise?

OP "We were discussing our relationship histories recently and she was surprised that every man I've dated has either commented negatively on my weight/size directly or made it clear that they prefer slim women - hence being single! Whereas she has never had that. "

Is it another feature of contemporary dating, men commenting on your size?

I think the answer to your question is the answer the other posters gave.
Those dating her wouldn't date you and vice versa.

I really didn’t mean it ‘should’ be a niche or anything at all, the bigger women I’m friends with are much more confident and successful with relationships than I’ll ever be I’m sure, I meant it to come across more of a criticism of the men who feel that way not the women

I think social media creates this to an extent. How old are you OP. I am in my 20s and men my age are consuming images of literally ‘perfect’ women daily, I actually think normal women’s bodies with a bit of sag, flab etc even if they’re a size 6-8, shock them

Sorry just seen you’re late 30s. Still a social media generation really

A couple of things are jumping out at me. Where are you meeting men? In real life or online? I'd be thinking that those looking online probably don't have as realistic expectations as those meeting people in real life.

You also talk about yourself and your friend in terms of height and weight, but not much else. How do you both dress? What about make up and grooming in general? You mentioned someone about not thinking/caring much about your appearance and I wonder perhaps if it's not actually about your weight and more about getting a bit more dolled up.

Your experience does sound really unusually bad OP. Would you say you are attracted to a certain “type” personality wise?

I think this is worth considering OP. It might not be you're attracted to people with obvious red flags per se, however it would be interesting to know if a certain type of man attracts you more than others, if not a physical type. For example, as a PP said, this kind of behaviour often comes from insecure men. In my experience, however, these men don't appear insecure. More often than not, they project a fake confidence in order to compensate. But I'm making assumptions here - are their any patterns, not necessarily anything obviously "bad", that you notice int he types of guys you go out with? Are they emotionally withdrawn? "Blokey" types? Cheeky? Quite serious?

@Blueeyedgirl21 it's absolutely true. Some men are just fascinated by them.

Interesting thread.

I am a size 10 and do not always feel slim. I am far more critical of my weight than a friend who is a size 18. It is probably because I am close to slim. If I were a size 18 I would know I am nowhere near slim and live and let live.

As with men if they approach a size 20 woman they are going for big, whereas a size 12 woman may look trim on first glance depending on what she is wearing but very different naked. The man will then assume the woman has piled on a few pounds when she always had meat on her.

There are some really interesting piunts and questions!

As with men if they approach a size 20 woman they are going for big, whereas a size 12 woman may look trim on first glance depending on what she is wearing but very different naked. The man will then assume the woman has piled on a few pounds when she always had meat on her.

For these men, a woman who is more overweight and confident about it is unlikely to give a shit, where as a size 12 woman might be more likely to take it to heart and feel bad for not being a size or two smaller.

These make a lot of sense.

But indont expect men to find me attractive. If they had just ended it, that would have been fine! But they didn't.

Amd uses its the 'having some meat on me' that is the problem i think.

Are they emotionally withdrawn? "Blokey" types? Cheeky? Quite serious?

They've been all sorts!

Someone else asked about personality too. The only thing I'd say they all had in common was a bit of a mischievous glint in their eye. Even the most serious was playful and youthful when the mood took him. That's probably the only common trait.

Where are you meeting men? In real life or online?

I haven't done online dating for a few years. It hasn't made any difference tbh.

How do you both dress? What about make up and grooming in general?

I don't wear a huge amount of make up. That's never been criticised. In fact, I've often been told that it's really refreshing that they can see the real me. That doesnt mean I don't wear make up but I don't wear a lot and only really at the weekends or if I'm going out.

Like I said, we're very different! She is all glitter and sparkles! Uber girly, heels, the lot! but she doesn't wear a lot of make up either.

I'm a bit more floral wrap/tea dresses and DMs for day to day wear. I don't wear jeans or trackies or whatever - my friend does sometimes. I do wear (low) heels but so rarely it's always commented on!

She often wears tight stuff because she loves it, I tend to think.more about whether something is going to suit my figure.

She's a natural blonde and her hair is always long. Mine is brunette/auburn (depending on my mood ) it's been long, a jaw length bob and everything in between.

That about everything really.

Ice never felt pressured to wear more make up or be more glamorous.

I am a size 10 and do not always feel slim. I am far more critical of my weight than a friend who is a size 18.

That makes sense but I'm never critical of my weight or myself.

Most of my friends who are around the 9-10 stone range are very insecure about their size and want to be smaller. Most of my friends who are bigger are pretty physically active, lifting, running and are outwardly confident - I wonder if there’s some psychology in that limbo size 8-10 stage where you’re not tiny but want to be !?

I'm a 12. The criticism isn't coming from me.

I remember talking to some male colleagues years ago and their fear was after they were in a steady relationship, their girlfriend would 'let themselves go'. Some of them had experienced their gf putting on weight and they felt it was because, once they had a partner, the woman didn't try as hard with her physique.

No idea if it has any bearing to your situation but I was rather taken aback when I had this conversation. I don’t think the men felt it applied to them though.

I’ve been a size 24 and a size 14 and have never had any negative comments only positive from dates so maybe it is the men who like slim just aren’t dating me.

My auntie is a size 22 and she gets loads of blokes (was married is no longer) but although she's a large woman she's confident and she makes herself look good all the time. Nice clothes, hair done every day, make up etc she really pretty and sooo confident

What sort of comments do men make?

[quote Ianar]@Countingthebeat

I am not condoning body shaming in any way. Just stating that such conversations could occur for people who place importance on size in relationships. For instance if you got with someone when they're 10st and a couple of years later they're 15st and your attraction towards them lessened because of this. Obviously there is a correct way of addressing the issue though, which doesn't involve shaming a person in any form.[/quote]
I totally agree that that the men making these comments clearly place more importance in size Yes but she is not talking about men who got with someone who was ten stone then got to 15stone . She is referring to men who got with a size 13 then criticise the size 12 and that IS body shaming if they do that . No excuses
My comment was that if they have an issue with a size 12 body they shouldn’t be dating a woman with a size 12 body .