Why does this happen? Would like to hear from any men too.

[ColdInTheUtility]

I'm late 30s. I've a friend who is the same age as me. Physically, we're very different - she's 5'8, blonde and a size 20. I'm 5'3, brunette and a size 12. We're both single.

We were discussing our relationship histories recently and she was surprised that every man I've dated has either commented negatively on my weight/size directly or made it clear that they prefer slim women - hence being single! Whereas she has never had that.

She is very popular with men and is never short of male attention. Her last boyfriend adored her. Pre-covid, she found plenty of lovers online and in real life etc and not one has ever said anything other than they love her curves, love her body etc. Not one man she has been involved with (either in a relationship or casually) has ever made a negative comment about her body.

We were both bit surprised that our experiences are so different and couldn'treally explain it..

I'd say that we're quite similar in terms of confidence generally and life experiences and she is more outgoing than I am. But neither of us can explain this vastly different experience when it comes to men so we thought we'd seek the wisdom of mumsnet.

[quote username44416]@02Countingthebeat You started off as a condescending arse, and you finished as one. As least you're consistent.[/quote]
That coming from a woman who claims porn doesn’t change men’s expectations of women’s body shapes . Tell that to the many many women who have experience of EXACTLY THAT happening
I won’t stoop to your level of abuse but you’re really not a very nice or empathic person are you

[quote username44416]@02Countingthebeat You started off as a condescending arse, and you finished as one. As least you're consistent.[/quote]
This coming from someone who totally negates and rejects women’s experiences of having men who over indulge in porn be extremely criterial all of their body shape. There are many many women who post here who experience EXACTLY THAT
I won’t stoop to your level of name calling but you’re not a very nice or empathetic person are you

@username44416 ok I’ve just read back through your comments on this thread . Regardless of you unpleasant thoughts on me I want to add this
I don’t think your a nasty person. I can see you have tried to offfer advice and help here . I think we just have very different views on the effects of porn on men’s expectations . To many women are being torn apart by the topic already and I am not prepared to leave my last comment as was . This time I will leave if there
Whether this is even what is happening in the case of the op I’m not sure but I’m not going on .

Well speaking from a man's pov it's what's on the inside of any woman that counts ie naturally kind hearted / loving compassionate etc . Also a woman can be big boned but if she has a good sense of humour thats enough for me,!! Hope that throws a bit of light on your question 😉

I think you need to set your stall out with dating. If you are on line mention in your profile that you do not want contacting by any dick head who thinks they can comment on your body. State it like that.
If you care someone tell them straight that you didn't persue the last guy you dated because he said X and Y. Make it clear. Don't wait for them to start this bullshit. It's awful how some men think you only exist for their benefit. If someone comments on your appearance say"Who the fuck asked you? " Stop accepting this treatment. Don't go near the low life.

Just to clarify, I don't do online dating. So I have no profile to he clear on.

And I don't accept it. I would stand up for myself or challenge in that respect because I don't really want to invite further comment.

I just dump them. I don't want to have to teach an adult how to treat another with respect. Nor to teach them how to hide that part of them!

This thread went a bit off the rails
Toward the end so I haven't read it all but what you say in your OP doesn't address the crux of the matter - this is a self fulfilling prophecy. You're riddled with self doubt and insecurity about your appearance. Subconsciously this is obvious to whomever you're dating and you're constantly looking for these red flags where they probably don't exist in many cases.

Someone saying "I'm surprised that you walk around naked" isn't an implication that you are too fat to walk around naked
Asking why you don't wear jeans isn't an implication that you're too fat to wear jeans
Saying their ex cheated but not suggesting you might cheat is not an implication that you're not slim enough to sleep with more than one person at once (totally baffled by your point in this one).

Yeah some things you've had said to you are shitty like "I saw a really hot girl today". But that also doesn't equal "you're fat". That just means the guy who said it is a bit of a nob and not very thoughtful.

Take a look at yourself, stop comparing yourself to your mate and try a different outlook the next time you date.

Well speaking from a man's pov it's what's on the inside of any woman that counts ie naturally kind hearted / loving compassionate etc . Also a woman can be big boned but if she has a good sense of humour thats enough for me,!! Hope that throws a bit of light on your question

No.

Because you appear to have answered a different question

I haven't asked how a man can find a large woman attractive. I've asked why our experiences are so different.

Why I've been l effectively told by every man I've dated that I'm "too big" whilst she's never been told that.

That's nothing to do with what's on the inside. If they don't like wants on the inside, they can just dump me surely. Like I do to them? Only many of them have been upset when I've done that.

Oh, and my friend wouldnt thank you for referring to her as big boned. She's taller than me but her bones are average sized.

Size 12 is borderline fat to men who like skinny women. Not sure why they can’t see that though when they date them!

Quite.

Another question would be what type of men are you and your friend dating? Are the men you see looking after themselves and are physically fit? Such men are very unlikely to date women that are over a size 14. At a size 12 (at 5'3) you would be on the border so some of these men would be interested in you.

No. On the contrary. She dates men who are tall, generally over 6ft and fit. The sort who'd be posing shirtless on Tinder

I'm not interested in that at all. I prefer a bit of a dad bod and generally date shorter men.

But a lot of the responses here are not answering the question in asked.

But I'm not asking why men are more attracted to her than me.

I'm asking why our experiences with men are so different.

If I'm too fat for these men, they don't have to date me or they can end it with me. It's the constant and increasingly predictable body shaming that I'm struggling with.

So it may be that her men are more likely to feel secure in themselves and know what they like, while yours are insecure about their height/dad bods and need to take it out on someone/the woman they are seeing. You may be somehow projecting a sense of low self-esteem or self-doubt that attracts this type - though that wouldn’t make their nastiness your responsibility, and since you do dump them and not stand for it, you clearly do value yourself as you should.

I don’t know what the solution is... but you are right that it’s shit and not ok

Btw I have an ex who is 6’3”, a super fit cyclist, slim and good looking, and loves larger women - at a pear-shaped size 14 I was on the skinny side for him. Being slim and fit doesn’t mean only going for the same type.

Also, I should add that I’ve been single and dateless for 5 years since ending my LTR, because I just can’t face sifting through the misogynist porn-addled men I constantly hear about.

@Gncq

It's a huge shame you've had this experience with all former partners.

FWIW I'm normally a 12, but was an 8 for a few years because I lost a lot of weight for some reason after splitting up with a long term partner.

Met a new fella as a sz8, who was hot and horny as anything it was a dream, but then he started commenting on my size, like "why don't you take up cycling your thighs would get slimmer" or what sort of shorts I should/shouldn't wear that made me look fat etc.
Needles to say he didn't last!

Now I'm back to size 12, have been for years, and with DH.

Neither my first LT partner or DH have ever commented on my size or weight. The sz8 boyfriend did!

I can only assume more men who are shallow go for slim partners, but not that having a slim partner necessarily makes you shallow, if you get me, just it's more probable.

Ha! Cycling could make your thighs chunkier and there is NOTHING wrong with that!

OP are you saying people you know in real life and have known for a while ? Or are they blind dates, online etc ?

So it may be that her men are more likely to feel secure in themselves and know what they like, while yours are insecure about their height/dad bods and need to take it out on someone/the woman they are seeing.

That actually does make sense!

I just don't find tall men attractive. That comes from having a 6'3 physically abusive dad - I find tall men very intimidating. I feel very vulnerable around them. I tend to date men between my height and around 5'6. But I guess I'm into 'small man syndrome' territory then!

I feel very comfortable and confident around shorter men so I don't think I'm projecting any negativity there.

I think I also dismiss men with really good bodies because I assume they wouldn't be interested in me so I avoid them too.

OP are you saying people you know in real life and have known for a while ? Or are they blind dates, online etc ?

I've never been on a blind date. A combination of men I met online (but not for a few years) and have known in real life. In some cases strangers or men who I only knew as friend/acquaintances.

I think I could ignore the comments made by strangers/acquaintances if my experience of men I've dated was different. It just seems to be coming from all angles and it feels like it won't change.

I know people keep mentioning low self esteem etc but I don't think I come across as having low self esteem really either.

Weight and diets isn't something my friends and I discuss but there was a conversation a couple of years ago when a group of friends were talking about their bodies and how they've changed over the years. I didn't really say much but the women made similar observations about me as men have done. They weren't being unkind. Just matter of fact and observational. I think the fact that I come across as confident and self assured etc made them feel they wouldn't be upsetting me by saying it.

It just led me to feel really unattractive and that a) the way others see me must be really obvious to everyone and b) men who date me must feel really embarrassed that other people can see it too

I've thought of another example. I was seeing one guy who had never made any direct comments about my weight. He never complimented me but had mentioned that one of his female friends was a "tiny little thing".

We went into the garage for petrol one day. I picked up some polos. He took them out of my hand, put them back on the shelf and said, "I don't think you need those."

So even when the comments aren't direct, they're still there.

I don't think all shorter men have "small man syndrome", at all - look at Prince (straight, yet comfortable with his femininity, promoted women throughout his career) and Ronnie Corbett (had a much taller wife who reported that he was always wonderful to her) etc.

The polos thing - ugh! You need one of those seats like Graham Norton had where you just pull a lever and shout DUMPED on the spot and they slide down a chute.

Yeah, I wouldn't have mentioned the small man thing but I thought someone else might suggest it.

Ice only dated one man ho actually had a chip on his shoulder about it. He seemed quite cross about the fact he couldn't attract the women he wanted and had to make do with me .

Well that didn't last long either...

You need one of those seats like Graham Norton had where you just pull a lever and shout DUMPED on the spot and they slide down a chute.

Ha, I really do!

If a partner or potential one made comments about my appearance or weight I wouldn't be interested in them any longer.
Direct or indirect.
I wouldn't do it to them, and so I know I wouldn't tolerate it.

*negative comments, I should say!

Well, quite. I haven't had a 'relationship' lasting more than a few weeks for a few years for precisely this reason.

I used to give them the benefit of the doubt but still need it within about a month due to processing it. Now I don't need to process it. I just dump.

It has been suggested to me by friends that I'm too quick to dump band I should explain why its hurtful or wrong! But I'm of the opinion that if you need to be told not to criticise the body of the woman you're hoping to have set with later then you're not someone I want to be in the company of let alone have sex with.

Its frustrating because if I were dating every Tom, Dick or Harry I chatted to online or was tolerating these comments etc in 2 or 3 year relationships, it would be easy to see where I could make changes to my own behaviour.

But that's not the case. I meet someone, we get on, they seem decent, they say they'd like to see me again, we go out, it's all fine for a few weeks, then the comments start, I dump.

If there were any obvious red flags from the start it wouldnt get as far as the first date. I dump as soon as they appear.

It's just frustrating that the boyfriend i had at 18 (and dumped when I went to university) was actually more complimentary, more accepting and more emotionally mature than any of the men I've dated since.

At this stage, I'm flying red flags because i haven't had a relationship lasting even a year and far from a year if I'm honest.

Ok, well I've just been chatting with one of my male friends. As he's someone who has never passed comment (hence stil being my friend!) I mentioned this to him and asked him what he thought...

He said he doesn't know because he thinks I'm fine as I am but suggested that these men might be looking at me and thinking she's great, I really like her, she'd be 'perfect' if only she were a stone lighter/a bit smaller/lost that tiny tummy she has.

He also said they were shits for commenting.

Op, when you say women mentioned the same things about your body too, can you elaborate?
We’re you part of a losing weight group or dieting group? Did you mention your body yourself as in “Yeah I really wish I had slimmer thighs/ a smaller bum/toned arms etc. Cause I can understand them commenting then. If it was just put of the blue then they is really rude.
I had a ex an I dumped him. He commented on my appearance a lot. Very complimentary at first then it became controlling as in “Why are you wearing that coat?” “I prefer your hair like this.” “That dress doesn’t suit you.” “Why are you wearing make up when I’m not here.” It got draining. He didn’t like it when I did it back to him. Some people are just dicks.
Back to your question though. It’s rather like asking “Why do some people have such lovely childhoods whilst others don’t.” Perhaps you meet a lot of dicks.

He took them out of my hand, put them back on the shelf and said, "I don't think you need those."

THAT guy is an arsehole. Full stop.