Why does this happen? Would like to hear from any men too.

[ColdInTheUtility]

I'm late 30s. I've a friend who is the same age as me. Physically, we're very different - she's 5'8, blonde and a size 20. I'm 5'3, brunette and a size 12. We're both single.

We were discussing our relationship histories recently and she was surprised that every man I've dated has either commented negatively on my weight/size directly or made it clear that they prefer slim women - hence being single! Whereas she has never had that.

She is very popular with men and is never short of male attention. Her last boyfriend adored her. Pre-covid, she found plenty of lovers online and in real life etc and not one has ever said anything other than they love her curves, love her body etc. Not one man she has been involved with (either in a relationship or casually) has ever made a negative comment about her body.

We were both bit surprised that our experiences are so different and couldn'treally explain it..

I'd say that we're quite similar in terms of confidence generally and life experiences and she is more outgoing than I am. But neither of us can explain this vastly different experience when it comes to men so we thought we'd seek the wisdom of mumsnet.

I don't think it's as simple as women being a number, like a 12 or 20 and men picking them according to the number they prefer.

Perhaps she has a healthy self esteem, sees red flags quickly or doesn't put up with men making demeaning comments. Men don't just choose someone because of their clothes label, she sounds lovely, tall, confident, kind and high self esteem. That's very attractive to people.

Shallow people who see nothing more than a dress size, are going to be more judgemental and picky. Those who see a human being, who they get on with, laugh with, have hobbies in common with etc won't be so judgemental about dress size.

Some men want to be with women who have perfect bodies, slim, toned, like what you see on love island etc. when they get with an attractive, non-big woman say some one a size 8-14 type range, they feel they’ve achieved this, yet the woman isn’t perfect and they are almost disappointed

That makes a lot of sense!

Another male perspective - PositiveLife had it on the first answer. Many men are attracted to larger women, and that's that, really.

Except that my post wasnt really asking about attraction. Obvipuslynmen find her attractive - why wouldnt they?

My question was about the difference in experiences of being criticised.

I'm not suggesting for a second that she should ne criticised! Just that she has never experienced it in a romantic/sexual situation and I have. Constantly. To the point where i just dont date anymore

If men can date her without needing to criticise and body shame her, why do they feel the need to do it to me?

username44416

She doesn't have particulalrly high self esteem but that's not my place to comment.

But her self esteem hasn't been eroded by men telling her to lose weight and criticising her, no.

Shallow people who see nothing more than a dress size, are going to be more judgemental and picky. Those who see a human being, who they get on with, laugh with, have hobbies in common with etc won't be so judgemental about dress size

What are you suggesting though? That the men who date her see her as a whole.person but the men who ask me out see a size 12 and nothing else?

Did you have critical parents OP? We sometimes unconsciously choose people to continue childhood criticism and bullying. Some people can sense low esteem and vulnerability. There will be other red flags that they are judgemental and don't value you as a person. It might help to learn about those, and cut and run at the first sign of cruelty because that's what you're describing - cruel men.

Perhaps she has a healthy self esteem, sees red flags quickly or doesn't put up with men making demeaning comments

And she diesnt get demeaning comments. That's the whole point of the thread. It's not something she ever has to deal with because it just doesn't happen.

I dont tolerate them either but it doesnt stop the next man from.doing exactly the same.

username44416

I did yesm andnive had therapy and my boundaries are good.

There will be other red flags that they are judgemental and don't value you as a person

Would you mind sharing what because there is nothing that I ignore or overlook.

I do cut and run at the first sign of it. My relationships are counted in days and weeks rather than months and years.

OP is someone else choosing the men you have relationships with?

Are you in a religion or culture where there is some kind of arrangement taking place where you have no choice? Because if not, the common denominator here is you. Not all men are cruel arseholes who make demeaning comments about weight. So why are you ending up with the same type over and over again?

If I ended up with alcoholics over and over again, I wouldn't naturally assume that all men were alcoholics. I also wouldn't assume it had anything to do with a label on my clothes.

It might be an idea to take some kind of responsibility for the people you are allowing into your life.

It's because of large boobs ime

I'm not a man, nor do I have large breasts btw

When I look back, there are problably 2 or 3 where I realised in retrospect that there was a red flag that i didn't recognise as such until after the fact but with the others, the majority, I can honestly say that it came out of nowhere and even with the benefit of hindsight, there weren't any warning signs.

I'm vigilant wrt spotting red flags. In most cases everything was going fine and then boom.

I don't let people into my life unless I'm as sure as incan be about them.

OP what you're doing is really common. We all follow blueprints from our childhood's, it's why I asked you about your parents. It's an unconscious pattern or attraction.

As Jung said: Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.

How do i do that?

@username44416 honestly I respectfully disagree. I think it’s nice but uncommon for men to have no particular idea of what they want body type/size wise, maybe not an exact number but most men would have a preference of some sort and say they would not go out with someone very tall, very short, very big, very thin whatever
Many women I know have a minimum height of men they’d consider going out with
Many men would say a certain dress size was too big and would not consider it

I'm your friends size but I've been in a relationship for 16 and a half years so can't comment on dating while fat. However I have read and heard a few thing about men choosing partners which are a higher weight than they say they are attracted to. So there's something going on with some men liking bigger women.

I do wonder if as pp's have siad they know the deal and like that. Where as with you you're getting somone who wants slim.

You get some help to learn about these patterns or read up on how to recognise and change them. It's not really about boundaries, it's about making something unhidden so we see it. We recognise it. We no longer act on it and make healthier choices.

I would advise psychodynamic therapy but how you choose to go about doing it, is up to you. In the meantime, I would work on my self esteem.

@Aahotep I had this conversation with my partner actually ! One of his friends repeatedly says how amazing his new girlfriends body is, my partner told me about it and said what he thinks it is, is that she just has massive boobs because she is larger overall than what his friend would normally go for. Some of their less kind friends said to him that actually no his girlfriend wasn’t some sort of Victoria’s Secret type, he just likes her boobs. He couldn’t deny it

[quote Blueeyedgirl21]@username44416 honestly I respectfully disagree. I think it’s nice but uncommon for men to have no particular idea of what they want body type/size wise, maybe not an exact number but most men would have a preference of some sort and say they would not go out with someone very tall, very short, very big, very thin whatever
Many women I know have a minimum height of men they’d consider going out with
Many men would say a certain dress size was too big and would not consider it[/quote]
That isn't what I said, is it. I said they don't see women as numbers with no other attributes. Women are human beings and attraction is also about chemistry (and smell). You may start out with a certain physical type, then fall in love with someone completely different.

I'm saying that it's not so simple.

Do you think some men go for larger women because they feel like other men would not be after them as Much and therefore the woman less likely to stray? I mean subconsciously?

@username44416 a lot of men I know are really simplistic about it though. They have a type and won’t consider anything else. They’re also single 🤣

I should hope not. He sounds like an insecure shit. Stay away.

I think most men want someone they get on with and find attractive.

I don’t think it’s about what you look like, I think it’s about your personality and your mental health. For whatever reason you’re attracting and dating a bunch of weirdos. Maybe she subconsciously weeds out the weirdos, hence why her dating experience is generally more positive. Whereas you might ignore the initial red flags.

Also not all skinny women are “straight up and down”, many can be an hourglass whilst having a flat stomach. In fact, figures like this are all over social media, which is why these men are disappointed when they undress you and see that your real figure isn’t picture perfect

I think this thread is becoming reductive of larger women, that we are a fetish or a specialised attraction. Lots of women are size 16 or above. It's really not the niche that some people suggest. Theres kind of a nastiness implied as well, that the criticism should be the other way round, ( surely the fat woman should have the body comments?)

I've never had negative comments from my partners about my body (I've ranged from size 6-12), but one man I was with for a long time used to refuse to put sugar in my tea when he made it, because "the large women at work all have sugar in their tea"

I think the men who get together with your friend actively look for a larger woman perhaps? Or maybe she is confident about her body and doesn't look for their validation?

I've always been around a 14, sometimes a bit bigger or smaller. I'm tall so that's not very overweight, but on the chunky and pear-shaped side.

The only man who has ever made a negative comment about my weight was himself overweight (more so than me)!

I think there are some men who want to belittle and put down the woman they are with - it comes from insecurity and being socialised to think they should be somehow superior. For these men, a woman who is more overweight and confident about it is unlikely to give a shit, where as a size 12 woman might be more likely to take it to heart and feel bad for not being a size or two smaller.