Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

Good to hear you sounding brighter MoreLegs. You really haven't been taking baby steps forever. It's quite the opposite. You've come such a long way in what is really a short period of time. And everyone's different - the pace of recovery that suits you is the one that's right for you.

I have no doubt that you did tons of things to support him and to pick up the slack throughout your marriage, and that it was such a matter of course you didn't even notice most of the time. Now it's time to concentrate your efforts on you. I'm certain there's very little you couldn't achieve if you put your mind to it.

Better times are ahead, I'm sure. Now things are opening up again you can start taking steps to forge that new life for yourself. I don't think you'll always be lonely. I think a time will come when you look back and wonder at the power he had to hurt you.

Keeping a journal sounds a good idea to me too. You can put down whatever you want, including diatribes to H, and no one need ever see it. It would be cathartic.

There is nobody left from my side of the family either. It's one reason I am glad my DC will have each other. Thank goodness they get on so well. It sounds like all your DC too.

I hope today's a good one. Take care.

Thank you everyone.

I’ve felt better today, yes. My birthday is getting closer and I’m expecting to feel crap but just do the happy act for the DC.

I’m still waiting for my marriage certificate. I’m beginning to think I will be waiting until the 26th like they said. I wonder how they’ll feel when the Petition arrives on the door mat.

No more messages to the DC. I don’t know how he can bear to be parted from them, really I don’t. Still, he has her four. Three still live “at home” I think. No doubt he’ll be concentrating his energies on them. It’s not as if he has anything else to do. Considering he told me he couldn’t stand their immaturity and dramas, he’s ended up with them five minutes’ away. And I imagine they’ll have started staying over again.

Meanwhile he’s not seen his own DC in over five months.

I’m speaking with my GP at the end of next week I just for a medication review. I think the citalopram has definitely softened the edges. I can think about them now without the awful feelings I had to start with. I want to stay on them to get me over the last of the milestones, by which time I should’ve picked myself up enough to be able to cope without them.

As long as the DC keep on as they are and are happy, that’s enough for me.

x

I have started on antidepressants recently too. I knew I was suffering from anxiety, but to be told I was depressed was a shock. Don’t know why.... I’m also embarrassed admitting it. Weird. I wouldn’t be embarrassed FOR anyone else - in fact, I’m always totally understanding and supportive. Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why are our expectations so unrealistic? I know in your case, I would be telling you that your depression is simply a logical response to what you’ve been through. You were the innocent victim of a very bad man who lied and lied while you tried and tried. Honestly can’t see how he can sleep at night either.

Five months Legs, what a twat he is, sorry for swearing but really, can't say I blame him though, who the hell could hold their head high in front of their own children after what he's done?

I couldn't face the shame to be honest.
But you are doing all the right things, taking your meds,( wish I could go on them and hormone replacement ) I'm also sorry to hear @justilou1 has been suffering with anxiety and depression.

I don't know 4 young kids eh? I couldn't be arsed could you Legs, sounds like a nightmare at our age, especially with a dodgy ticker.

The mind boggles
Take care
x

I don’t think the GP will want to change them yet, if you read back through your recent posts mostly you are stronger, but you do still have the odd rubbish day when you are triggered. You are bouncing back from them quicker each time though.

I always get anxious in the run up to my birthday and there’s no reason for it at all. You know he won’t do anything, maybe a text so once the day arrives you’ll feel a sense of relief. Definitely arrange something even if it’s just a takeaway, hopefully this weather will settle.

@MoreLegsThanMe and @justilou1

I’m also on ADs. Went onto them about a year before I left him, and am still on them, so 2 years in total. Like you, pretty low dose, which just takes the edge off the daily ‘trauma’.

I plan to stay on them until the divorce is finalised and then taper off.

I’ve had a massive change of heart since I left him, and realised I’d been beating myself up over so much stuff, that I now allow myself in the name of Self Care to do what’s right FOR ME.

It’s good you are both doing the same.

@Onthedunes- no hormone replacement for you? Such a pity!!! It’s bloody fabulous... (stopped me crying for no reason, and zombie days!) I’m assuming medical reasons, if not... get a new GP!

Thank you x

@justilou1 we sound alike. I too was really embarrassed to tell my doctor, and I felt ashamed too. I’m sure I only told him because I did it via eConsult and not face-to-face. He was very kind to me.

I’d fully support anyone who needed/wanted to start antidepressants. You’re right. We are too hard on ourselves.

I think my bad days are getting fewer. Can’t say the same about nighttimes though. I expect my birthday will be bad but I’m prepared for it.

Next month also has the day that he originally left for his “trial separation”. I know that’ll be bad too.

Yes, five months since he saw his children. Isn’t it unbelievable. A smashed-up cookie, hunks of disgusting birthday cake, and an offer for DS and DD4 to be picked up from school and taken to McDonald’s. Oh, and the odd copy and paste message to all of them. That’s him being a good father. It’s laughable really. Or it would be if it wasn’t so tragic.

And yet I still feel I love him. I feel like I’m betraying the DC admitting this, but it’s still just there. It’s not all-consuming or anything, but it’s there. Maybe it will lessen over time, but it’s been such a long marriage I don’t know. Maybe it will always be there a bit?

@Onthedunes maybe her kids will give him a new lease of life. On the other hand he’s not used to drama and tantrums, so if they are spending time at the flat- sorry, their “beautiful home” - he’ll be finding that a proper culture shock. I know she said she’d keep them away but I’m sure that as time has gone on she’ll have slowly reintroduced them. The alternative is they spend all their time with their father and she visits them. What a pathetic excuse for a mother she really is.

A shit mother and her shit partner. Poor children.

It still helps to get all this out, so thank you all again.

x

I think she's a bit more than a shit mother, I mean what must her children think having to pop round and seeing her shacked up with a grandad. It's bizzare, and her husband being dumped in favour of a much older model.
I can't get my head around it, so what it's like for you, it's unbelievable.

But like I said I don't think it will last, my husband has come to the end of his mid life crisis (i think) and when it ends that yearning and love just seems to turn into pity and revulsion.
I too would love that closeness back in my life but sometimes the hurt is too much and I'd rather be on my own than finding someone else. The irony is, he is now on his own, lonely and desperately wanting what he had, but you can't turn the clock back can you Legs.
It will get easier for you Legs, it will get easier when he finally realises he fucked his life up, although you won't be together, it's easier when you know they are finally facing what they have done and screwed their own life up, and everyone else also knows.

Does that sound horrible ?
Tough shit, like I said before everyone must eventually sit down to a banquet of consequenses.
His will be a full table.

Sleep well.
I think I might make an outdoor living space, any ideas, I know you like your gardening.

Also @justilou1, no I can't have the HRT, I'm jealous, is it that good?

@Onthedunes - I really like the analogy of A Banquet Of Consequences. Excellent image I have of my STBEX with an overflowing table!

@MoreLegsThanMe. I think, when you’ve been married for many many years that love isn’t a tap that can be turned on or off. It’s a stiff bugger, and you might have to get the pliers out to start to shut it down.

You have children together, a shared history and a big chunk of your lives in each other’s company. That will always be there. (22 years of marriage for me)

However, you can spend some time educating yourself in how this came about in the first place, how (sadly) rather common his behaviour has been, and how to move forward with compassion to yourself and others.

I’ve found doing The Freedom Programme via Zoom, and accompanying WhatsApp groups hugely supportive. An amazing and ferocious group that has your back every inch of the way.

I also meditate regularly via Zoom too, and offload onto friends regularly. Once I started telling people, it was hard to stop.

PM me if you want any info on what I’ve mentioned.

I think if you actually spent any time with him now, knowing what you do, that feel of love would disappear pretty quickly, you love the memory of your life together, which despite the ED I’m sure had many happy times and times of real closeness. It’s those memories you miss I’m also sure that there’s many times at the moment that you despise him. As time goes on you will get to a point where he doesn’t evoke any emotions at all, just indifference.

@Onthedunes From a medical perspective, I can assure you, they will be prying the oestrogen gel from my cold, dead paws... It serves as a protective mechanism (especially if you get onto it prior to full-blown menopause) for your cardiovascular system - protecting heart and brain, it has decreased my migraines immensely, and the stress levels that come from those, It can help protect against stroke, and also help prevent bone loss. Then there are the psychological benefits.... it helps with the brain fog, the blind rage, the melancholia, the panic and indecision. It doesn’t fix it completely because some of it is actually life-related or simply my personality, but it helps. I’m not ever giving it up, though. I’m sorry you can’t have it. There are some pretty good things to try that are not hormone-based though.

@MoreLegsThanMe - I know you keep saying that you think you still love this man, but I am not sure you ever really knew him. Did he really allow you to see his true self? IS there a true self? (Could it all be a lie???) I wonder if you were to sit down with him and chat now with you as who you are now and him as who he is now, would you recognize each other at all?

I agree with @Justilou1 when she said:
'' @MoreLegsThanMe - I know you keep saying that you think you still love this man, but I am not sure you ever really knew him. Did he really allow you to see his true self?''

Notice that although you love the man you thought he was ...you keep being amazed by the way he is not the true husband and good father you imagined.

Is he now acting out of character or did you misread him in earlier times?

Thank you x

@justilou1 and @1WayOrAnother2 I thought I knew him I really did. It sounds a cliche but he was a good father, at least to DDs 1,2 and 3.

DDs1 and 2 have both said they think there’s something wrong with him. That he has some kind of condition that allows him to lie and lie and take everyone in. He never put a foot wrong in any of the lies he told. He never hesitated over an answer or anything. No inconsistencies or general weirdness. Absolutely nothing that gave me any pause.

And of course while lying to me he was lying to her too. The day in December when he “came home” he apparently told her he was going to the doctor. When she came back from wherever she’d gone he’d left and told her in a note.

So he’s a liar, a cheat and a coward. To think I always thought I was a good judge of people. I feel very ashamed to have been so naive and gullible. I hate myself for being that way. So stupid.

I wish I knew why he does what he does but I never will. Even if he offered an explanation I wouldn’t believe a word out of him now.

I’m speaking to FIL tomorrow, just to check in with them, and I’ve emailed my SIL.

This last few days have felt like a big struggle and I have no idea why. I’m just keeping going as best I can.

I’ve seen the thread is nearly full but I can’t think of a title for the next one..

x

More legs if you are not a liar and a cheat yourself, why would you expect to be lied to?

You are not naive -you are normal!

He can’t ever take you in again.

You now know that he is not the man he seemed and not the man you loved... he was just wearing his clothes!

This is a great site helping you make sense of why he is behaving like this - it's all about his ego: www.chumplady.com/category/best-of-cheaters-decoded/

@ThePoetsWife

This is a great site helping you make sense of why he is behaving like this - it's all about his ego: www.chumplady.com/category/best-of-cheaters-decoded/

Hi, I'd like to have a look too but link doesn't seem to work. Or is it because I'm in the app? Still following your thread Legs and wishing you well. Am gaining so much myself too from reading the wise words of others.....

Good morning MoreLegs. I hope you had a decent night's sleep.

I also love @Onthedunes' phrase "A Banquet of Consequences,". Maybe you could work that into the title of thread number 3?

Dear MoreLegs please don't be so hard on yourself. You really aren't stupid, naive or gullible. It sounds as though H is a very skilled, very accomplished liar with the ability to charm anyone he pleases.

It is no reflection on you that you did not detect the overweening selfishness and lack of a moral compass sooner because for a long time he liked telling himself he was a successful man with a loving wife and children.

Then he got older, the children grew up and suddenly he found he was an ageing grandfather not in the best health, with an erectile dysfunction and children who were largely independent teenagers or adults. He didn't care for that image so he manufactured this ridiculous fantasy of being young, care-free and single, and hotly pursued by a woman half his age. It is absurd and selfish and a monstrous way to treat all of you.

But I am sure he only sees you all in relation to himself, not as individuals in your own right.

So one day his personal Banquet of Consequences is going to be a huge surprise and he will probably have the cheek to feel very hard done by.

Oh and by the way OW is a totally rubbish mother. I hope her DC have a decent father because they were definitely short-changed with one parent.

Lovely that you are making the effort to stay in touch with FIL and SIL. I am sure it is very hard and there is a great temptation to let things simply drift. But you have done nothing wrong. Why should H be allowed to rob you of other relationships?

Keeping going as best you can through the hard times is something to be very proud of, and you do it very well. Keep on going, lovely. Keep on being amazing.

I’m so proud of you @MoreLegsThanMe. That was hard to do but it was right for you I think. There is nothing worse than living in the realm of the worst case scenario that your imagination can take you to. It’s divisive and dangerous too. (Have been victim to it myself, unfortunately...)

OP just sending you a big hug. You sound like such an intelligent, kind and loving person - a real gem. You've nothing to blame yourself for, you haven't been naive. He probably didn't know he was capable of this, until he decided to he could be capable of this, if that makes any sense. You haven't been a fool - he's decided to be less of the person you married. More fool him.

Pour every bit of compassion you can into yourself. You deserve and need it. Lots of us thinking of you, from everywhere in the world, remember that in the moments you feel terribly lost.

I think the title of your next thread should be Fuck It I'm Going To Be Happy In Spite Of Him.

So he told her he was going to the doctors and escaped, it sounds as though she was holding him hostage, and he couldn't leave of his own free will.

Christ I bet he loved that, two women fighting for his attention. He's the type to blame anybody and anyone other than himself for the decisions he makes. You musn't forgive him, and it certainly sounds like your children will not.
What an utter mess, his life is chaos. One day Legs you will be thankful that, that chaos is gone, you learn to live with chaos and it and it takes a long time to adjust but I think you will get over this trauma and learn to enjoy life again without him.

Put yourself FIRST....... it's so hard to do that when you are not used to it, it takes a complete perspective turn arround and for some it will seem impossible, but time will get you there.
From there you can start to build on things getting better, but you must do things for yourself, things YOU enjoy, your likes, dislikes, your choices. It's hard but once you start you will start to enjoy it.
Your time is your own now and your own timetable, no dancing to anybody elses tune.
I know you have the children but demanding men like your husband are difficult to forget but once you do, wow it's so liberating. No being tied to his wants and needs, it's going to feel alien for a while.

By the way you are not naive and stupid, you just trusted someone who was a weak soul, you are kind, loyal and dutiful, you will be remembered for that long after the final curtain closes.

Remember .... the meek shall inherit the earth.

Sleep well, lovely
x

Thank you x

As ever, you’re all so right. I’m grateful to have such solid support.

It’s made me realise I don’t even know when the lies started. I can’t even lie convincingly. I blush and would give myself away the first time I tried it. Yet he’s literally led a double life hasn’t he. I’m surprised he can remember who he’s told each lie to.

I’ve been having a wee little panic about being responsible for the DC. Realising it’s just me and nobody else now. It sounds stupid I know, but I know I’ve got to get DS through his GCSEs next year, and DD4 through her A levels and off to university. Of course I always imagined he’d be here to cheer them on too. DD4 is adamant he’s not told about which university she goes to. That’s so sad, but I wouldn’t go against her wishes and I’ll tell everyone else to respect them too.

There have been no further overtures from him. This isn’t a man who is desperate to maintain contact, is it. I’ve made sure to reference it in the Petition.

I don’t want to be divorced. I really just want all this to go away.

x

@MoreLegsThanMe, apologies if you've already covered this, but having been in a similar situation to you, I actually realised I'd been parenting pretty much on my own for a long time.
That might chime for you.
If it does, you know you can do it - you already have.
If you feel you haven't, dear god, woman, you've shown all of us you have the strength to get through this, so recognise it for yourself - you've got this.
Either way - .

Hi legs yes as @mineofuselessinformation said I expect you got all the other dc through the milestone exams alone anyway, if you think back, what did he actually do to help. If you want to look at it practically he did at least leave during yr10 and 12 (although I guess dd4 was doing gcse during the first separation?) My friends (d)h left the morning of her ds history A Level. University entry and organisation is still a year away, at the moment the ‘I want nothing to do with him’ attitude is down to the way he’s treated her she’s feeling very hurt and raw, like you, this is how she’s processing it. Next year may be very different, but unless he makes an effort he will become a distant memory.

I agree with the others. You’ve not really clocked it, but you’ve been doing this parenting lark on your own all along.

Is he still paying money into the bank? How are the finances?