Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

The kids have made it very clear that it was only ever you on your own anyway. I think maybe you need to examine whether you created an illusion of him to wear as armour to protect yourself from the reality of your situation.

I agree with the other posters here. You've always being doing this on your own. What has he offered over the years? You say yourself he was "cheering them on", is that all he ever did? It's no different to what he's doing now, some empty platitudes and the odd McDonalds. That is his idea of parenting. Was he ever a good dad? I think your DCs reaction now gives you the answer to that. The scales haven't yet fully fallen from your eyes.

@MoreLegsThanMe

Thank you x

As ever, you’re all so right. I’m grateful to have such solid support.

It’s made me realise I don’t even know when the lies started. I can’t even lie convincingly. I blush and would give myself away the first time I tried it. Yet he’s literally led a double life hasn’t he. I’m surprised he can remember who he’s told each lie to.

I’ve been having a wee little panic about being responsible for the DC. Realising it’s just me and nobody else now. It sounds stupid I know, but I know I’ve got to get DS through his GCSEs next year, and DD4 through her A levels and off to university. Of course I always imagined he’d be here to cheer them on too. DD4 is adamant he’s not told about which university she goes to. That’s so sad, but I wouldn’t go against her wishes and I’ll tell everyone else to respect them too.

There have been no further overtures from him. This isn’t a man who is desperate to maintain contact, is it. I’ve made sure to reference it in the Petition.

I don’t want to be divorced. I really just want all this to go away.

x

Tempting though it is - unless you have a lot of money - I would not advise putting anything in the petition like that. It will make him angry and he will contest it, and that will get expensive.

The petition is your escape route, make it as easy as possible and no way for him to contest.

You petition on the grounds of his adultery and abandonment. You DO NOT NEED to put anything else. the facts are all that is needed.

You want this over as quickly and cleanly as possible, you're amputating a limb.

The petition is NOT the place to air grievances and score points. Believe me, you will have plenty of opportunities to do that once divorced, if that's the route you choose to go down.

Thank you all x

He was a good father, like I’ve said at least to DDs 1-3. He was first to hold DDs 1and 2, first to bathe them, he did everything except feed them.Things were a little different when DD3 came along. She needed surgery at birth and spent time in PICU. I didn’t want to leave her so he took care of the older girls. When she came home he did exactly as he had with them, basically everything apart from feeding.

With the two youngest he still did nearly everything but as they got older he seemed more shouty and short-tempered. That was the time of his midlife crisis.

He always seemed proud of the DC. I just assumed he felt the same as I did about them. Maybe he did but he certainly doesn’t now does he. Their refusal to reply to his messages must surely speak volumes to him. Although of course he probably thinks it’s down to me coaching them.

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie I’ll never be rich but we are doing okay. He still pays his half-share of the house.

I spoke with FIL today which was nice. He said SIL is just totally rushed off her feet at work. She gets home, eats then basically goes to bed. He’s speaking to her tomorrow so I’ve asked him to ask her to check her email. To be honest I was wondering if H had contacted her and told lies. I’m not sure she’d be taken in even if he did, but you just can’t know that can you.

I read just today that most affairs fizzle out after around two years at the latest. If that’s true for them I have no idea what will happen. He’ll either have to stay in their Beautiful Home on his own. or he’ll need to find somewhere else. It’s petty but if it happens I hope it hurts the pair of them like nothing before. When I thought he was in that flat alone I thought he’d be hurting like I was while we were separated. Only he wasn’t alone was he. I’d like him to know how horrible that is.

Rant over.

x

Catsrus is absolutely right. Keep the reasons for the marital breakdown as simple and as non contentious as possible on the form. You want him to accept it, not contest it...

There will be time - should you want or need it - to let your anger out.

Glad the chat with FIL went well. It sounds entirely credible that SIL is rushed off her feet. As more and more workplaces are opening up now I think a million and one non-urgent jobs that were shelved during the lockdowns are having to be dealt with.

Don't doubt yourself, MoreLegs, it shines through your posts that you are a nice person. And, as I've said before, it would take an extraordinary level of spin to whitewash H's behaviour.

He may have been a good father when the DC were little but it sounds as though he got bored with the role when they grew older. Parenting teenagers is harder work in some ways than simply caring for the physical needs of cute, tiny kids and cuddling them a lot.

So I also suspect you've been doing the job by yourself for much longer than you thought. The way the DC have reacted does not indicate that one of the main props of their lives have suddenly been withdrawn.

I think a lot of loneliness is in store for him. I don't say it to gloat, but just because I can't see how you can abandon everyone who cared for you and not end up lonely when you reach the stages of old age and failing health. He's put all his eggs in one basket and it's a very rickety one.

I hope the weather's nicer where you are. It's grey and damp here. Good for the garden but annoying when I was planning to go out and tackle the host of dandelions that has appeared.

Someone said - I don't remember who - if dandelions were hard to cultivate how much we would value them for their beauty. And it's true, they are lovely, both as cheerful, sunny pompoms and as graceful, fairy-like clocks. Only, they're invasive thugs so we stop noticing how beautiful they are. I often think of that saying as I'm struggling to dig out another mile-long tap root.

I hope today's a good one for you MoreLegs. Take care. We are all rooting for you.

@CatChant this year I’ve embraced the dandelions (except in my veggie patch there are fields full of them around here and they are so beautiful.

@MoreLegsThanMe whether his new relationship lasts or not, as cat said, the basket is very rickety. Things they will have to overcome to survive:
His dc want nothing to do with him, and even if they do later the relationship has been irrevocably changed.
The age difference, for many relationships this can work, but they don’t have the history together and his health is already suffering.
Her kids, younger than yours, so still all the teenage crap to go through, and he doesn’t like them.
His relationship with his own family, again it may recover but it will never be the same.
He’s lost you, he will never admit this was a mistake but in time he will come to realise how much you’ve sacrificed for him over the years. Will OW do the same? I doubt it.

So their relationship may or may not survive, you will reach a point where you won’t care, but from the outside looking in there is plenty of adversity to go through before you can see the happiness. Maybe she truly does love him and is willing to keep her kids at a distance to please him and is happy to nurse him in his old age, not my idea of a good life.

Thank you x

I’m finding myself missing him for some strange reason, and I don’t like it. I wish the marriage certificate would arrive so I can just get on now.

@CatChant you’re right about the DCs reaction. They seem to be completely unfazed. In a way I’m glad they’ve all reacted as they have. I don’t know how I would’ve coped with tears and upset. I just hope it doesn’t impact too badly on their future relationships (DDs 1 and 2 are both married and seem very happy) so it’s just the younger ones to worry about.

DD1 finally completed her purchase yesterday. They are to move in on Monday. The house looks lovely. They will be so relieved to be out of various Airbnb places and to get settled in. I don’t know if she’s told H her new address. Even if she has she wouldn’t entertain a visit from him.

DD2 has already said several times that she won’t have him at her house.

The rickety basket is a good analogy. He absolutely has chucked all his eggs in hasn’t he. I don’t think he’s really looked forward at all. He’s just in the moment. I can’t see the OW hanging around - in ten years he’ll be 70 and she 47. I certainly wouldn’t want to become a carer at that age. Can’t imagine many would. Who knows. She can do absolutely everything around the Beautiful Home and work full-time too. Lovely.

The weather here today was pretty rubbish. I did a little bit outside, and probably should’ve done more. There’s always tomorrow though.

x

I can see that he’s going to have to spend a lot of money buying affection from her kids. (We’re talking more than cookies and squashed cake.) That will get them to tolerate him but will begin a relationship based on entitlement. They’ll have him by his balls. Then the 70 year old with the nearly 50 year old.... He’ll be requiring regular visits to the gp just as she hits menopause. Won’t that be fun? Her entitled kids will be demanding cars and phones and financial aid with university. He’s such a knob.

I think we all miss the men they were Legs, it's also so horrible to see what fools they become. Your good opnion once gone is very hard to revive, whether still together or apart.

I used to find myself just saying, 'why have you ruined it' because I knew one day it would fall apart, and it did, just as it will the her Legs, you will have to then watch the fallout.

These older ones don't just fade away after the circus ends, no they tend to be very self entitled creatures that try to backtrack and want everbody else to create a false memory of what happened for them.

And this OW, my God what kind of deluded woman thinks any of this is right. No doubt she's a dreamer with notions of true love bollocks but really how immature do you have to be to believe that nonsense with an old guy. No she will get bored and be looking for her next hit, those women always do, never satisfied.

The weather here is also rubbish, it feels like it's never going to stop raining. Very miserable and depressing, hopefully better days will come and we can do some gardening.

Take care
x

Roll on tomorrow, good luck to dd1 with the move.

Hope the marriage certificate comes soon and you can get on with things. Is there a time limit to watch out for?

Hi Legs, I came across a comment while reading the Guardian today (about another cheating loser husband) and thought it was good advice for your situation. Xx

“Eventually he will realise what indulging in these fantasies has cost him. It's cost him his relationship with you, it's severely damaged his relationship with his children, and he can’t pretend to friends and family that the breakup has happened for any other reason than him indulging his selfish fantasies.

It's also going to have huge economic consequences. When he's in his tiny bedsit, single and lonely two years from now, do you think he'll feel happy that he's exchanged his loving family for some masturbatory fantasy? You know he won’t.

Most people in a relationship will sometimes think about what it would be like to turn fantasy into reality - nothing wrong with that; but we also realise that there is a terrible human cost to so doing.

He will find out very soon what that cost will be and don't buckle when he comes knocking again, because he 100% certainly will.”

I remember the poet Carol Ann Duffey's poem about being married to a man with a pride-filled fantasy version of his life:

Mrs Icarus

I'm not the first or the last
to stand on a hillock
watching the man she married
prove to the world
he's a total, utter, absolute, Grade A pillock

Your H might seem to be flying high right now... but the time will come!

Thank you.

Today was my birthday. I had a message from H: “happy birthday. I hope you have a nice day with the kids”.

We all went out for lunch at a local farm and then had a little walk. We couldn’t go too far though because the rain was threatening, and made it back to the car again. DD2 came along too and I realised how lucky I am to have such wonderful DC. The only one missing was DD1. They move in tomorrow and were busy packing up today - as best they could with a three-year-old helping.

It’s hard to explain how I feel today. It just feels wrong somehow. Like it’s not meant to be like this.

I didn’t respond to his message. God knows I wanted to though. I want to shout and scream and rage at him for all this. It’s just so bloody hard.

I have no idea what’ll happen on our anniversary. I don’t want to think about it. I’ll be a mess won’t I.

If tomorrow stays dry I want to try and paint the big sign that DS and I fixed to the wall. It’s not fallen off yet. I’ll take before and after photos. I’m hoping I can spruce it up at least a bit.

I had a long email from SIL earlier. Bless her she must’ve written it as soon as she got up. I haven’t read it properly yet but I’m glad it wasn’t the case that H had manipulated her.

I have a medication review with the GP on Friday. It’ll be the first time I’ve spoken to him in a while. I hope it’s okay to stay on the Citalopram a bit longer. I still feel that sense of shame that I’ve had to resort to them. I always thought I was strong.

Thank you all again, so much. My nightly catch-up is beginning to feel therapeutic. Hopefully there’ll come a time when I don’t talk so much about him/them, but rather about how well I feel I’m doing.

I do think that’s a good way off though.

x

There is absolutely no shame in taking antidepressants, either if you take them to cope in the short term with stuff happening, or, like me and many others, take them to treat a mood disorder.

You are doing just fine. Of course things feel odd at present.

Happy Birthday MoreLegs, I'm glad you've done something nice with DC - this has been one of those painful firsts. You're grieving the relationship that was and you've already seen yourself that time is making it somewhat easier than it was when it was new and raw.
You're doing so well and there is no shame or stigma attached to AntiDs.

It's more a sign that you've been strong for too long x

Happy birthday for yesterday.
Never doubt your strength legs but don’t confuse it with fully experiencing your feelings and emotions.
Looking forward to the photos.

Happy belayed birthday, I’m glad you were able to surround yourself with the love of the dc and really hope today goes well for dd1.

At least with the anniversary you are unlikely yo hear from him, it’s not something he is going to want to consider.

Happy Belated Birthday @MoreLegsThanMe and bravo from getting through your day.

(He’s really on another planet, isn’t he?)

I have two significant dates coming up in June, and need to do some planning ahead. You just need to surround yourself with people you love, and who love you back.

I’m sorry he polluted your birthday @MoreLegsThanMe. I would like to wish you a wonderful year of further evolution and a speedy divorce weighted heavily in your favour. X

Happy birthday for yesterday Legs. X

Happy birthday for yesterday . Glad you had a good day with your lovely family.

Happy birthday for yesterday Legs

Happy belated Birthday Legs