Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

Hi legs - I think lean away would be the response of posters here. I’m sure you being able to articulate so well your thoughts and responses to what is going on in your life helps. You are a smart woman who is emotionally intelligent and navigating change with style. Once you have issued the papers another phase of this journey will begin.

Enjoy your garden, longer days and your DC who all sound amazing.

Stay open to possibilities and new experiences but always on your terms.

Your team of MN support must be huge!

Aqua fit will be good, i’m a swimmer so refer to it as aqua tsunami as it adds a lovely challenging wave to my swim I avoid those times if I can, but dd goes regularly and all the ladies have great smiles on their faces. Our local club has started up the tsunami class again but it has the advantage of a heated outdoor pool so they have to go outside, (which sadly is where I prefer to swim) but I think they can move back inside on 17 may.

As for evening classes, I think September will be verging on normal so hopefully they’ll have the prospectuses out soon if not already.

The Adult Education setup round here seems to be going overboard on providing short courses, both on line and am socially distanced at some of their centres for this term and summer holidays. Might be worth a quick look on line to see if anything appeals.

Thank you x

I’ve just realised that I’ve barely thought of him/them today. I will have, fleetingly, but they’re not there all the time. Being busy still helps. The nights are still shit but what can I do? I know I’ll get used to it eventually.

DS has his GCSEs next year and mocks this June so I bought him a laptop to help with revision and so on. He thought the box was revision guides and he was so shocked when he realised what it really was. He was so grateful I was touched. It shows what a lovely young man he really is. H had made noises some weeks ago about getting one and paying half each but, as per usual, he did nothing about it. DS won’t tell him and I certainly won’t. More proof of how he’s just pushed them aside. He has his new family to concentrate on now, doesn’t he.

Spoke to a friend today. We worked together for a while years ago and it was so nice to catch up with him. I didn’t tell him what led to the separation. I think I’m still too embarrassed/ashamed to admit it to people in RL.

@78percentLindt thank you - I’ll look online. I hadn’t even thought to try that.

That’s another day survived. I know I’m going to get more maudlin as my birthday creeps up, so a big sorry in advance..

x

Nothing to be sorry for MoreLegs. It's your thread for your support so, as @Zubla says, lean away.

What a lovely DS you have. Actually, all your children sound lovely - and smart. They are a credit to the upbringing you gave them. And further proof that DH is a fool and a louse of the first order. I doubt he's bothered by his 'new family" by the way. I should think he regards OW's DC as inconveniences. Judging by her actions I wouldn't be surprised if she did too.

Good luck with the online course investigation. I hope you find something interesting. Any more word from the breed rescue organisations?

Have a lovely weekend with, fingers crossed, some decent weather for you to get out in the garden.

Take care.

It’s nothing to embarrassed, and to be honest, it doesn’t sound like he’s ever really given a reason for the separation he just left. Friends don’t need to know the details, you’ll just feel more comfortable knowing you’re not carrying a big secret around.

Thank you x

I’m saying to myself that the DC have done so well in spite of him, and because of me.

DD3 is going to see FIL tomorrow and has asked me to go too. It’s stupid but I feel so horribly ashamed and embarrassed. I’m not sure I want to see him. That’s awful isn’t it.

I can’t believe H has made me feel this way. I’ve no self-worth left. I just feel like I’m existing if I’m honest. Some days I feel better than others - will I get more of those and less of the miserable ones?

I keep telling myself to pull it together. People cope with much worse than this. I feel like I’m at the bottom of a cliff that I keep climbing, and then every so often my hands slip and I end up at the bottom again. I don’t even know what’s waiting at the top.

I have jobs to do tomorrow and hopefully the weatherman will be wrong about what’s in store for us. DD4 was going to go to a friend’s garden for a little birthday party, but friend has heard the weather and postponed. DD3 will be off to see a friend after she’s been to see FIL.

I’m so grateful to you all for your patience and support. I’m sure I’m repeating myself sometimes. It just really helps to tell you.

x

Hi Legs, if you don't want ro go to FIL's then don't go, I'm sure he'll understand. You are doing better than you realise, you have had no RL support and are keeping it together unbelievably well, if you try to do it all on your own you will feel the set backs more, that's your perogative.

Things will improve as your perspective changes, hitting rock bottom and then slowly clawing yourself up that cliff will make you appreciate the little things that make you happy.
Sometimes in life we take the 'normal' stuff for granted until something bad happens, something bad happened to you but soon you will start to appreciate the mundane stuff again.

You are still running on high alert, not relaxed and anxious, you will find a better more even balance as time goes on.

Time ..... I know you still don't believe it but it will make things better.

Sleep tight.
x

I think you need to see FIL and be honest. This man has loved you for a long time and is probably almost as heartbroken and disappointed as you are. Tell him what you said before about having been proud of your marriage. Say that it was a huge part of your identity and your DH three it all away so you are taking control. Let him know that you are filing for divorce so you can protect yourself and kids, but he will always be family. Not Ex.

@MoreLegsThanMe
If you don't want to see FIL, then don't. He'll understand, just say you'll see him in a week or two, but don't feel ready yet. He cares about you which is great. There is absolutely no reason for you to feel ashamed or embarrassed, so please try really hard to let those feelings go and don't turn them over and over. You are not at fault here.

Stop with the climbing a mountain and slipping down and what's at the top stuff. That gives the impression that you are trying to conquer something, you're not, you don't need that pressure. Every day you get through is naturally a day closer to getting better. Even if it's a bad day, a worse day than yesterday, no matter, it is a day closer to feeling better. Don't see a bad day as a step back, accept it, don't dwell on it, see it as part of the process, and move on. Then you'll look back, and think, "hey, I've strung a few good days together" and they will naturally increase.

What I'm trying to say, in a rambling way, is take all the pressure off yourself - no expectations, no "I should be better by now, people have worse than I have to cope with" - that doesn't help. You're you. It will take as long as it takes, and that's fine. Just a day at a time, baby steps, no beating yourself up, or feeling ashamed, etc. You're great. You've got this. We've got your back.

Obviously it’s up to you if you see fil or not, but you do get in well with him and he is ashamed of his sons behaviour, it will probably be a good positive experience. You’ve certainly nothing to be embarrassed about.

As for your mountain analogy, have you ever just got a little way up and stopped to look at the view? You are definitely still heading upwards, it’s just every now and then you need to find a plateau to catch your breath and get together the strength for the next bit.

Thank you so much x

I’m not very good at weakness in myself!

DD3 didn’t go to FIL’s house after all. The rain here as been atrocious and it was well into the afternoon before it stopped. She will go though, and probably soon. I know I should go too. I just wonder what tale H will have spun. I just hope his DF doesn’t believe it. I haven’t heard from my SIL for a while either. I hope he hasn’t got to her too.

Sometimes I do find it really hard being absolutely alone apart from the DC. I can’t offload onto them. Sometimes I think it’s easier because this way nobody is nice to me so I don’t get upset. The DC just treat me like they always have and that’s good because it’s our normal.

I know I must be making some progress. The only way is up I suppose. Is it dramatic to say I don’t think I’ll ever get over it - not completely? I can’t see a day where it doesn’t even cross my mind.

And I can’t help but wonder if he feels bad/sad at all. Or if he even thinks about any of us and whether we are okay.

He’s just such a selfish self-centred bastard. I tried so hard and worried so much during that so-called trial separation, and he lied and lied and lied again. To the DC too.

Tonight is another shit night here.

x

I think you will probably hear less and less from them if you don’t call them too.

It has been a miserable day legs, hopefully the weather will improve.

Do you have any family at all Legs? just wondered it must have been hard just surrounded by his family for years. Go to your FIL's with one of the children if it makes it easier, if you wish to see him.

I wouldn't worry what his in laws think, you know the truth.

Sleep well.
x

I don’t think his family will ever truly believe him, they will always think slightly less off him, but I wouldn’t rely on them in the long term for companionship. It’s horrible to think of people taking sides, especially after what DH has done, but they are his blood, and that always gets some loyalty, even if they don’t like what he has done.

Also your DC’s will tell them straight.

Sorry to add, don’t let that stop you at the moment you clearly get on well with them, so continue to call and visit. 💐

Regardless of whether they believe him or not, he will go down in their estimation. But, and this is hard to take I know, at the end of the day blood is thicker than water and all that, so the chances are they'll stick by him. That doesn't mean that they don't really see him for what it is, but they will support him because of the close family bond.

So, how do you deal with this? Well, right now, just accept that everything is shifting a bit, and try not to get too worried. You don't have to prove your case to anyone - the evidence is there for people to see. You can't control how they will react, so don't try to get people on your side. Keep friendly, keep in contact, but don't rely on them too much.

You're stronger than you realise and this will get easier. Everything is still raw and you're feeling very sensitive to other people right now, but ultimately you'll come to realise that what matters is how you feel and how the kids are.

Try to cultivate new friendships, and build up support going forward with people who are not his family. You can still have a relationship with these people, but in a way, it will help you not to rely on them too much. It's a fine balancing act, and it will happen when you feel stronger and more in control.

It took me a long time to realise that what other people think really doesn't matter as much as I thought it did. I knew the truth, deep down Ex knew the truth, and whatever line he chose to spin to make himself look justified didn't matter. People are not stupid, they soon weigh things up and those that matter will be there for you. But you need to work - in the future - in learning to rely on yourself first, and being okay regardless of others. This happens when the first stages are over - you're not there yet - so for now just accept that everyone is finding their feet with the new set up, you have nothing to feel ashamed of, you're just trying to cope day to day. And coping day to day is an amazing achievement.

You have so much strength legs, people here are so much better with words than I am but I agree with everything that has been said about what an epic mother you are to your kids and the dignity with which you carry yourself.
Things are starting to open up near me, our local gym is doing classes again from the 17th so I've decided to attempt Pilates on my Tuesday lunchtime. It might help to join a few things like that, perhaps your older DC will join you? It could turn out to be just what you need? X

Ah MoreLegs that was a bad night.

You're doing wonderfully well, but no matter how effort you put in it takes a lot of time to recover from such a betrayal. I think it's probably very much like a bereavement. You don't forget but you learn how to live with the absence.

I'd stay in touch with FIL and SIL. They clearly value you even though they're undoubtedly embarrassed about H's behaviour. They are his family and they are bound to feel, however illogically, that it reflects on them. And I am sure they will both be in contact with him because he is part of their family, especially FIL.

But that doesn't mean they'll believe any version he chooses to spin. Let's face it, it's very hard to come up with one that makes a fling with a stranger met on a site for would-be adulterers, which results in the wreckage of two marriages and the abandonment of two families, sound at all palatable.

I think it's more likely they'll just find it easier not to talk about him. If you value them and can accept that, I would remain in touch. Otherwise I think they might start to think you're avoiding them.

It will get better and you will get stronger. Don't blame yourself for the bad days. Just say to yourself: "This is a bad day. I've got through others. If I keep putting one foot in front of the other I will get through this one too."

I hope today is brighter for you. Take care.

Hi Legs.
It’s really hard keeping this stuff to yourself and trying to do ‘normal’.
I know you are not keen to consider therapy, and you can always vent here, but maybe writing in a journal would help? Not a on a daily basis if you don’t feel like it, but when you really need to pour everything out. It might help to just write and get what you want to say and what you feel out there. Out if your head and onto a piece of paper. You could even burn it afterwards. I honestly think it needs to come out somewhere as keeping it in can really eat you up. My family didn’t know what had happened to me, my best friend was the only one I told about it and she was my lifeline. It can feel so lonely feeling unable to share all these thoughts and feelings. They need an outlet. Anything else that I felt was so dark that I couldn’t tell anyone, I wrote down then destroyed. It felt like I’d removed it from my head somehow and it was gone. Then I would haul my attention back to the present moment, the task at hand, not allow myself to continue thinking about it, and take another step. Take care XX

Thank you x

I do get what you are all saying about his family. I think it’ll just be that initial first meeting. The shame.

They are/were a close-knit family so I imagine in time they will come round to him a bit. He’s too cowardly I think to try and strange anything at all regular. I imagine he’ll have come back from that meeting with his DF and run straight to her. He’ll have thought he’s made the first move and now it’s up to his poor DF to keep in touch. Just as he did with the DC.

He sent his usual copy and paste job hoping they’d have a good weekend and asking DD4 and DS how school was going.

Yes, yesterday did seem worse than usual although I have no idea why. Today is the Sunday anniversary but it hasn’t hit me hard, so what went wrong yesterday is anyone’s guess.

@Onthedunes no, I’ve no family. It really is me against the world!

I feel like I’ve been taking baby steps forever which is why I’m a bit annoyed with myself. It still feels like I’m right at the beginning of the journey. It feels like human snakes and ladders. Does that make sense?

@Thatnameistaken the gyms and pools are opening up here I think. DD3 wants to go back to aquafit so I imagine that means I’ll be doing it too. I am serious about doing a car maintenance class if I can find one. I’ll make DD3 come to that one.

I also looked up some online courses. A lot of them here seem to be reserved for people working in social care, but I’ll keep looking.

@Thewookiemustgo I have been tempted to send him great long messages about how I feel and what it’s cost the DC and I. Maybe, as you say, I should write it down. I do have a lockable journal which I’ve never used. I’d not show it to anyone of course, so maybe getting it down on paper..

I hope there’s something better for me over the horizon. I’m starting to realise how much I did when H was here. I hadn’t felt supported or loved for such a long time. I put that down to the ED and naively thought it would come back once that was sorted.

I did so much practical stuff for him too.

It would be lovely to think there could be someone out there who’d want to carry me for a bit. So I could drop this coping act for a few hours at a time and just be me again. I don’t believe H even thinks about how stressed I might be. To have someone who did see that would just be so, so good.

Hopefully I’ll be back tomorrow to list all the things I’ve achieved.

Thank you all again - you’re wonderful, really.

x

I think he’ll put as much effort into keeping in touch with his family as he has with his kids (and with as much class...). I imagine OW will prod him every now and again and remind him of possible inheritance, so will send a cookie or something naff.

You sound a bit brighter today, hopefully tommorow will be better as well.
It must have been difficult without the support of your family Legs not just now during the break up but during your marriage. Dancing to the tune of your partners family can diminish your point of view, it takes a strong person to stand alone in a sea of in laws.

I can imagine that you did so much for him that he either didn't see, know about or even acknowledge, so many women know this but are presented with their husband's version of what actually got done in a marriage.
The re writing of history runs deep.
Hopefully Mrs I've aquired a new git woman, will pick up from where you left off for him but Ive got a feeling she won't be too good at it.

As for someone appreciating you, one day Legs you may bump into someone who may well want the same, never say never, because you never know what fate has in store for you.

Sleep tight and have a good day tommorow.
x

You are in a good position to file for divorce, adultery is the quickest way of getting divorced. I would get everything sorted & slap your petition in, it is just like ripping a plaster off, the quicker you do it, the quicker the pain is over. Leave Robodick to his OW, she will soon be fed up at playing nurse to him & be looking to get out. Make sure you are covered for money, keep on taking bits out of the joint account & bury them in your own account.

I have been tempted to send him great long messages about how I feel and what it’s cost the DC and I. Maybe, as you say, I should write it down. I do have a lockable journal which I’ve never used. I’d not show it to anyone of course, so maybe getting it down on paper

Write it in letter form to him, it can be very therapeutic writing to someone but not sending the letters.

Hope you have a good week legs I think Saturday was such a horrible day anyway, the weather was abysmal, the wind was horrible I had to spend time hefting really heavy pots with trees in to a more sheltered area of the garden in the rain, to protect them from the wind. Got dry then had to take dog for a walk, couldn’t chill in pjs as dc had friends around (covered area of garden so covid ok)