Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

Have you seen this More Legs?

It’s called Defining the problem, by Wendy Cope:

I can’t forgive you. Even if I could
You wouldn’t pardon me
for seeing through you.
And yet I cannot cure myself
of love
For what I thought you were
before I knew you.

Healing will come in time. Many years on from when that verse first resonated with me I realised that I was truly restored to emotional well-being. Even though I am not cured.

All will be well.

Wishing you a belated Happy Birthday and a gentle day.

Happy birthday for yesterday Legs

I don't know how you keep your cool, but you keep doing it.

x

Happy Birthday for yesterday dear MoreLegs .

But you are strong, lovely. You have done, and are doing, so well despite the sheer physical and mental effort of keeping everything going for you and the DC over the last few months.

Turning down the Citalopram would be like trying to summit Mount Everest without bottled oxygen. It just makes a very hard task a little bit easier.

What lovely DC you have. Best of luck to DD1 with her house move. Moving with a three-year-old can be something of a challenge. I still remember DS sobbing uncontrollably when the cats went to the cattery because he thought they were gone for good rather than a couple of days. And his face when the removers left us in the new house surrounded by walls of cardboard boxes - he obviously thought it was going to be like that forever.

Oh, the cheek of H to be wishing you a happy birthday. Talk about tone- deaf and insensitive. No wonder you wanted to rage at him. Well done for leaving him to stew instead. Your dignified silence must be so galling.

Here's to a happier year for you. You deserve it. Onwards and upwards, you amazing woman.

Thank you, generally and for the birthday wishes too x

The next to get through is DD2’s birthday next month.

I wish there was something I could do about my crap sleeping. I know it’ll take time but it’s been four months now. I thought maybe I’d be dropping off and staying asleep much more easily than I am. It’s just going to take time isn’t it?

I hope I haven’t upset anyone by saying I felt ashamed that I had to start on antidepressants. I absolutely think they are very helpful. It was just that i thought I could manage without anything.

I don’t know if OW has returned to office working yet. If she has then H - poor lamb - will no doubt find himself bored when he’s in the Beautiful Home all alone and we all know what lack of attention forces him to do.

SIL mentioned in her email that she’d spoken to FIL on Saturday but that he wasn’t very forthcoming about his visit from H. I imagine he won’t visit often. He’d want to bring OW with him and FIL won’t have that.

I’m still trying to keep busy because it = less thinking time. I can’t see a time yet when I don’t think about him many times a day. That part does get easier, doesn’t it?

x

Hi Legs,I suppose everyone is different in their recovery and many of us are still not quite there but I do think it becomes easier to bare.

You say you think about him many times a day, it's funny isn't it that my h was neglectful obssesed with work and friends so I led a life without him much of the time, and didn't think of him. Then when you separate that's all you can do, it's odd isn't it how the brain fixates when you don't want it to.
I found the thinking of him just became different, first it was missing him, then onto hating, then onto sadness of thinking of the person he was and our past.
It's as though all these thoughts have to be gone through, over and over till they can be put to one side and better thoughts can then surplant them. It will get easier Legs, your memory will see to that.

You have had a hard year with many of your firsts causing great pain, go easy on yourself, we know how hard it is, there is no expectation from us, you had a very long marriage and all we can do is tell you that you didn't deserve any of this but it will get easier, unfortunately there are no short cuts, I wish there were.

Take care Legs, I hope you sleep better tonight.
x

By the way I'm loving the poetry, I looked up Wendy Cope's other work.

I'm not too hot on poetry but I will dedicate a song for you Legs, it called 'Any Major Dude' and it essentially says when you feel things are so bad, wait till the next day, things may change.

It helped me.
We are your Major Dudes.
xx

It definitely does get easier.

A lot easier.

You just need the passage of time,so keeping busy is a great option.

You're so strong MoreLegs, you just don't realise it yet , but you will x

Morning legs, hope you’re feeling a bit better this morning.

As for the sleep issue, have you tried something like swimming, or an evening walk. I always sleep better after that.

Keep on keeping on, you’re doing great.

Thank you Dudes x

@Onthedunes I’m going to look up that song..

I guess I’ve always known this was going to take time. I just want this horrible part over. I do think about them a lot and I think right now it’s with a mixture of sadness and real, real anger. I’m learning to just go with it though, let my brain just process it and then try and leave it behind. Let the thoughts come and go if that makes any sense.

I do miss being held though. Just that physical presence next to me in bed. I’ve spent so many years without sex that I desperately miss that too. Or rather the closeness and the intimacy. Is that normal? I don’t know.

The DC haven’t had one of his famous copy and paste messages for about a week now. So much for his relationship with them. He has no idea of the strength of their feelings. I almost wish he would turn up to see them, just to see his reaction when they tell him to fuck off. They’d probably use those words too, and I wouldn’t tell them not to.

Their father, who scurried out the front door with his clothes in carrier bags, back to OW, without even saying goodbye to them. I so hope that he feels utterly ashamed of himself - but that’s doubtful isn’t it.

I wish I could have the last thirty-seven years back.

x

You are just processing this Legs, and its all normal, like you said you have to learn to ride it through.
I know what you mean with being held, I would love that too, I've thought about building a 'hugging machine' like Leonard off The Big Bang Theory, if anyones familiar with that, you'll know what I mean.

I also wish I could turn the clock back 40 years, I would have walked straight past my h when I met him, (well we can all dream !)

Your poor children they must be so dissapointed in him, what a let down.

Sleep well x

Ah MoreLegs I wish we could fast forward you through the hard part. . But with every day you are learning to adjust and to adapt, and becoming so much stronger. You are going to get through this.

I always find it easier to sleep if I'm tired physically. An hour or two's gardening helps (I know the weather's not been that co-operative lately) or a long walk, or hopping up and down to an exercise video/DVD/YouTube (very boring but I always feel better for it).

Someone suggested earlier that you might like to try Borrow my Doggy while you wait for a suitable rescue so maybe that would help with getting out for a long walk?

It will get better, lovely. Keep on going. You can do this.

Thank you both x

@Onthedunes I remover the hugging machine too. I could definitely do with one of those.

I did some weeding and trimming today but not a great deal to be honest. I had my second vaccine yesterday and my arm is heavy and sore. It’ll probably be okay tomorrow, although we’re all forecast bad weather aren’t we.

Still no marriage certificate so they must be sticking rigidly to the 26th May like they said. I’m wavering about telling him to expect the Petition or to keep quiet. Initially I wasn’t going to but now I’m wobbling. What do you think?

I’m so stupid I think it’s bad manners not to. Tell me if that’s a ridiculous reason.

I always feel ready for bed. It’s just when the light goes out that my mind starts racing and racing. Short of being drugged to the eyeballs I don’t think there is anything that can help, other than time.

Next month is also the first anniversary of him leaving us for his “trial separation” aka running off to the Beautiful Home with her. They’ll probably use that date as their anniversary too. The day they moved in together. After knowing each other a month. It’s like something off a soap. No doubt it’ll be all wine and roses for them. They’re just the lowest of the low. I don’t even know how I can have any feelings for him apart from bitterness, hate, and repulsion. But I do.

He must really have liked having two women in the go at once. Wifey can take care of every single thing at home. His whore there for adventures and drawing hearts with their initials in at the beach.

At least right now I know I’m not being lied to.

x

I wouldn't tell him. He doesn't deserve your consideration. He's hardly been big on manners where you, of tumour dc are concerned of late.

But let's presume you do send him a message. If he doesn't respond how will you feel, will you then jump every time the phone beeps, what do you think he'll say if he does respond? 'Thanks for letting me know', an apology, remorse? I very much doubt it'll be anything that will make you feel better.

I wouldn't tell him. The shock is what he needs

I wouldn't warn him about the petition. Why should you? How much consideration has he shown any of you? He's already told you he shuts you all away in a compartment in his head when you're not there. Time enough when it lands on his doormat. I don't even think it's bad manners - just keeping things formal.

I hope your poor arm is better soon and the sleeping problem improves. Is it any better if you're really, really exhausted? If not, I've always found it better to get up and potter for half an hour rather than toss and turn worrying.

He'll never be able to lie to you again. And he's thrown away everything of value in his life for an illusion. He's a fool, a cheat and a liar, and he will reap what he has sowed. You were always too good for him.

I hope you get a decent night's rest tonight. Sleep tight, lovely. Tomorrow's another day.

No Legs, make him understand you are not considering him, just as he has not considred you.

Also it will have more impact. You know how cheating couples tend to demonise the ex, sometimes it's the only thing they have in common, well if you tell him before hand it will give ow ammunition and his next conversation with you will be filled with venom.
Take the wind out of their sails by it being a surprise, don't give him the opportunity to speak to you, radio silence, he means nothing now.

Hope your arm improves ,I don't think this damp weather helps at all.

Sleep well.
x

Don't tell him about the petition.

I live alone, and have found that 15 min lie down under heavy bedclothes (I have a proper wool blanket, which is great) feels (somewhat) like a physical hug from the universe.

I wouldn’t tell him either, if you do you will end up having a conversation which then hands him the feeling of control.

I was thinking about your sleeping, could you try a weighted blanket?

Do NOT tell him at all. He will lawyer up. He will get vicious. He will manipulate. He will pull out every guilt trip. Are you really ready for that? Just do it. He’ll still behave like this, but you’ll have the lawyer behind you to help you out.

If you tell him - it could sound like attempted manipulation - like a threat.

Just letting it arrive - the natural next step - avoids this.

I wouldn’t give him the heads up. Let it arrive it will be like a massive kick in the teeth that’s well deserved. You are in control legs and are doing great.

Thank you x

The consensus is not tell, so I won’t.

Can you imagine the shock of that landing on the doormat. He probably thinks I won’t do it. I don’t know if her husband is divorcing her, but it’s the least she deserves. @justilou1 I really don’t think he’d want to actually pay a solicitor for help. He’s more likely to ask me what he needs to do. It’s pathetic really.

I’ve decided to that once the Decree Absolute arrives I’m sending my rings back to him. I think that will finalise things. It’ll kill me to do it but it feels symbolic somehow. I took my wedding ring off the day he left. If still feels strange to look down at my bare hand but there was no point keeping it on was there. I tried to take it off to give to him before he left, but he said he wanted me to keep it on.

I really do think he feels he has an option here, which is me. That if/when it all goes wrong with her all he’ll have to do is send a few messages declaring his sorrow then drop in that he really wants to come “home”. Hopefully the arrival of the Petition will shock him into realising that option doesn’t exist.

I haven’t mentioned any more about divorce to the DC but I imagine they won’t be fazed. I’ll let them and FIL and SIL/BIL know when I’ve issued. FIL has been telling me to do it since the day I told him H had left!

My arm is much better today. I haven’t achieved anything at all because of the weather, but it’s kind of comforting knowing there is work to do that’ll stop me brooding.

I’m thanking you all again for your support. You are all really the very best. Do stay with me, boring as this tale is.

x

@MoreLegsThanMe, please don’t send him the rings. He will probably just give them to OW, and I can’t imagine anything more heartbreaking. You have daughters. Have them remade into something meaningful for them.

I agree with @justilou1, don't give the rings back, it won't have the desired effect you'd hope.

What I would recommend is getting rid of anything to do with him, clothes, jewelry, sell it if expensive. Are you thinking of changing your name back to maiden?

He needs to know his bridges have been burnt but not with the rings, they are symbolic and he will take this as you still wanting him back.

Take care xx