Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

[Ac198]

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

*Hahaha.

I only know as I was taught about it at university! You don't usually hear it on a day to day basis :)*

No, you don't! I'll be mindful of my "female gaze" in future... don't want to get myself into trouble

Thanks everyone. I think I'm done here now and got everything I'm going to get from you all.

Its been interesting. But I don't want to go round in circles.

And I don't want to be on this site all day everyday

So once again thanks for contributing, good, bad, extreme, wind ups, accusations all of it

@Ac198

Thanks everyone. I think I'm done here now and got everything I'm going to get from you all.

Its been interesting. But I don't want to go round in circles.

And I don't want to be on this site all day everyday

So once again thanks for contributing, good, bad, extreme, wind ups, accusations all of it

Good luck OP!
Glad it's been helpful

Just because you haven't felt objectified and sexualised or even maybe you enjoy that aspect... doesn't mean other women enjoy the same and neither should they. You can not deny that women have been sexualised and repressed for centuries, the male media have just thought of clever different ways of brainwashing women to become sexually compliant to men and pander to their indulgences... I reference here violent porn, degrading porn and only fans and revenge porn. But anyway that is nothing to do with the original post so... I'm signing off here, not sure why I have to explain feminism to other women like it's an entirely new fucking concept or a conspiracy theory

Hahaha. I only know as I was taught about it at university! You don't usually hear it on a day to day basis

I actually do hear the term male gaze in near on a daily basis, it's very commonly used parlance in discussions about feminism. Perhaps it is a demographics thing 🤷‍♀️

Just because you haven't felt objectified and sexualised or even maybe you enjoy that aspect... doesn't mean other women enjoy the same and neither should they.

Nope, I agree. Where have I said they should?

You can not deny that women have been sexualised and repressed for centuries, the male media have just thought of clever different ways of brainwashing women to become sexually compliant to men and pander to their indulgences.

I haven't denied this. I've said it applies to some and not all women. I'm not "sexually compliant" nor brainwashed and I'm not the only woman who is that way.

I'm signing off here, not sure why I have to explain feminism to other women like it's an entirely new fucking concept or a conspiracy theory

Who asked you to explain it?

best of luck OP

I actually do hear the term male gaze in near on a daily basis, it's very commonly used parlance in discussions about feminism. Perhaps it is a demographics thing 🤷‍♀️

It might also be an interest thing. If you don't read about or discuss feminism daily, you won't come across it. Much like any topic of conversation really - it's either of interest and relevance to you in your daily life and discussions, or it's not.

@ac198 Apart from your relationship & home?

That's the whole point of the thread isn't it? Whether it's worth saving.
So you have nothing to lose because you're unhappy anyway.

@tigerlily20

You didn't ask me to but you obviously need it explained to you.

I don't "need it explained to me", thanks. I showed a genuine interest and curiously in it.

Tell me what you know about attachment theory, forensic psychology and theories of violent offending? Nope? Thought not. Because it's not something you actively read up on or find relevant to your life on a day to day basis, right? Whereas because of my job, I could tell you a lot about it.

Different interests, different lives, different levels of perceived relevance. No need for rudeness.

@tigerlily20

Read that last part back to yourself and practice what you preach

What "different lives, different interests, different levels of perceived relevance. No need to be rude"

Ok. So let me see.

I'm open minded enough to accept that people have different lives, different interests and that things will be of a different level of perceived relevance to a person. Tick.

I haven't once been rude to anyone on here. Tick.

I'm signing off here, not sure why I have to explain feminism to other women like it's an entirely new fucking concept or a conspiracy theory

This, however, could be perceived ad unnecessarily aggressive and rude.

Confronting everyone on the thread who has a different viewpoint to yours can be seen as rude and aggressive? Can you not see the irony?

What you call "Confronting", I call gently challenging and exploring. I've been equally "challenged" on my own views, and I've become curious about feminist terms that I'm unfamiliar with, as a result. Showing that I'm open minded and interested in finding out more. This is a public discussion forum - debate, challenge and exploration is its nature. I fail to see how any of that constitutes "rudeness". I also have sworn at anyone, unlike some, so there's that...

Everyone has a different viewpoint but I'm not going to accept or allow anyone else to write a viewpoint that differs to mine without harassing them and belittling their valid argument.

Harassing? Or discussing? Your choice of phrase is quite telling.

Belittling? Show me an exact verbatim quote that is belittling of another person.

For example, show me where I might have mocked someone for having less knowledge on a topic than myself, using phrases such as "can't believe I have to fucking explain this". Oh no, that's right. That wasn't me...

*haven't sworn at anyone, that should be

@tigerlily20

I'll be disengaging from you now, as you clearly have an agenda having launched your personal attack in my direction, and I have no time for that. It's also not helpful to the OP.

It might also be an interest thing. If you don't read about or discuss feminism daily, you won't come across it.

Maybe, although personally I don't feel I seek that sort of thing out, it is just there as part of the zeitgeist to me, so it was somewhat surprising to me that a few posters hadn't heard of it at all. That's why I theorised about demographics, because I am very aware of the power of targeted advertisement. But anyway, it's a pointless derail, just an interesting thought.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do OP!

Ok this is the last time I'm going to reply on this thread, which I know you will think is a win but... you have belittled arguments like the sexualisation and objectification of women by comparing it to your crush on Tom hardy and to your husband complimenting your new knickers but then giving evidence that he emotionally supports you... which is totally unrelated to the sexualisation and objectification of women

you have belittled arguments like the sexualisation and objectification of women by comparing it to your crush on Tom hardy and to your husband complimenting your new knickers but then giving evidence that he emotionally supports you... which is totally unrelated to the sexualisation and objectification of women

Again, show me my exact verbatim quote that is evidence of "belittling".

My reference to Tom Hardy was to say that, as women, don't we also sometimes "objectify" men? It was more a point for discussion based on a curiosity. It was not in any way an attempt to belittle or undermine women who have been abused. You've made that leap based on your own projections.

By making the comments about my own relationship, I was drawing a parallel with what the OP had said. He wants to appreciate his partner's body, but he also recognises and appreciates the other aspects of her. I was saying that I get this - because my partner does the same. Therefore I could understand his viewpoint, and that it didn't necessarily represent his desire to "objectify" women. What I did not say, was that my partner looking at my new knickers and supporting me emotionally was an example of "objectification". I was empathising with OP's position from the perspective of my own relationship. So you seem to have misinterpreted my comments I'm afraid.

Anyway ... back to the OP!