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Original poster

Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

822 replies

Ac198 · 01/02/2021 16:16

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

OP posts:
LouJ85 · 03/02/2021 10:38

@InkieNecro

So she asked you to stop touching her bum and you did, you noticed she didn't like sex and stopped initiating, you've tried talking to her to see how to make her happier. I fail to see how those things mean you're a rapey sex pest.

You've tried to talk, you immediately stopped things you realised she didn't like. You tried to have a conversation rather than just leaving.

I don't think those are the actions of a bad person.

No. Me neither.

LouJ85 · 03/02/2021 10:40

@tigerlily20

But this whole thread been about "my partner won't look and act like the object of my desires, should I leave..." there has been very little emphasis on her other qualities. He knows what's he wants from women but partner isn't giving it to him, and her other qualities pale in comparison to the lack of his sexual desires being indulged...they won't address the issues/work on the issues in the relationship... I'm only going on what he has written and it looks like he's checked out so

See, where you are reading "she won't look and act / perform like I want her to sexually", I am reading "she doesn't seem to enjoy sex at all, it's like she's going through the motions, yet she won't even discuss this with me".

That's I suppose the difference in the fundamental message we have taken.

Original poster
Ac198 · 03/02/2021 10:41

@LouJ85

I certainly see women through the male gaze often. Which may be a flaw.

OP, what do you mean by "seeing through the male gaze" and how is this a flaw?

You're not going to see women through a "female gaze" are you, because you're male. No more than I'm going to see men through a "male gaze".

I'm just curious as to what you mean here

That we have been conditioned through the media, film, mainstream etc to see women in a certain light. Advertising and magazines play a big part. Make up advertisements.

So for instance the mainstream view is that women look sexy in lingerie. And that heels and mini skirts are appealing to men.

We've been conditioned to be like this over many years as a society in general.

I'm accepting that I have been taken in by this view. But its not necessarily bad if you are aware of it.

OP posts:
LouJ85 · 03/02/2021 10:41

Are you telling me you have never looked at a man or women and thought how fantastic they looked? Or even fantasised about a sexual experience with them, or even just what it would be like to talk to them?

I'd be interested to know this too, particularly from those who refer to "objectification"...

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/02/2021 10:42

OP. You are 35 and in an unfulfilling relationship. There is an underlying tension with your partner because you are fundamentally incompatible.

One of you needs to make the decision for both your sakes. You are going and as a man your fertility window is much longer, so as the one that might want kids 35 gives you plenty of time to meet someone who feels the same.

You can tread water for another ten years and while resentment builds and everything becomes toxic, or you can be brave and end the relationship. They are your two choices. There isn't a middle ground now. So it's time.

LouJ85 · 03/02/2021 10:44

*That we have been conditioned through the media, film, mainstream etc to see women in a certain light. Advertising and magazines play a big part. Make up advertisements.

So for instance the mainstream view is that women look sexy in lingerie. And that heels and mini skirts are appealing to men.

We've been conditioned to be like this over many years as a society in general.

I'm accepting that I have been taken in by this view. But its not necessarily bad if you are aware of it.*

Ahh ok, I get what you mean now. Societal influence in general as opposed to the difference in male and female viewpoints / sexuality etc.

Silenceisgolden20 · 03/02/2021 10:53

So how is the letter to your partner going?

LouJ85 · 03/02/2021 10:54

@aSofaNearYou

I agree that she's probably struggling to know where to start with opening up to OP. Which may be where couples counselling is helpful, perhaps.

I don't agree with your blanket statement that "women are conditioned to cushion the feelings of men". Perhaps some women are. But I've personally never felt that way - if I dislike something in a relationship (sexually or otherwise), I have no issue owning that, speaking up and saying so - regardless of how it might make my male partner feel. So just to slightly correct that assumption that it applies to all women. And without knowing the OP's partner it's hard to know whether she feels this way, I guess.

Original poster
Ac198 · 03/02/2021 10:56

@Silenceisgolden20

So how is the letter to your partner going?
Nearly finished. Not sure I'll be brave enough to give it to her.
OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 03/02/2021 10:58

Please do. You have nothing to lose.

LouJ85 · 03/02/2021 11:04

@Ac198

Have you used this thread for inspiration with your letter?

Bibidy · 03/02/2021 11:04

OP, I think you need to end this relationship if you are so unhappy. It sounds like your disappointment with your sex life is constantly in your thoughts and nothing else in the relationship is compensating for it?

It's a difficult situation. You both like what you like when it comes to sex. Your gf prefers a quickie and doesn't like oral, you prefer something a bit more spicy. There's nothing wrong with either of you, but equally neither of you should pressure the other to change.

It sounds like you've genuinely tried your best to improve things and also increase her pleasure, but if she's not up for it then she's not up for it. I think it's better to leave than to stay but remain pissed off and unsatisfied.

35 is not old at all, plenty of people are still single at 35 and many haven't even had a serious relationship ever. You will be fine!

aSofaNearYou · 03/02/2021 11:06

@LouJ85 I'd never make a sweeping generalisation about all women. But that social conditioning is there, some are just less affected by it than others.

I guess my point is I don't think there's anything wrong with OPs desires, and yes two way communication is key to a successful relationship. But at the same time I can't fully blame a woman for having issues around sex and not knowing the best way to handle them, given what women are subjected to by men and society at large, and the mental toll that can take. I empathise with the fact that men, including decent ones, are not mind readers and having never experienced any of that might not understand it, but I do think shedding a light on it might go some way towards helping.

Original poster
Ac198 · 03/02/2021 11:06

@Silenceisgolden20

Please do. You have nothing to lose.
Apart from my relationship and home
OP posts:
Bibidy · 03/02/2021 11:07

@LouJ85

I certainly see women through the male gaze often. Which may be a flaw.

OP, what do you mean by "seeing through the male gaze" and how is this a flaw?

You're not going to see women through a "female gaze" are you, because you're male. No more than I'm going to see men through a "male gaze".

I'm just curious as to what you mean here

The 'male gaze' is a recognised term used to describe a particular sexualised way of looking at and thinking about women.
Original poster
Ac198 · 03/02/2021 11:07

[quote LouJ85]@Ac198

Have you used this thread for inspiration with your letter? [/quote]
Certainly

OP posts:
LouJ85 · 03/02/2021 11:09

@Bibidy

Interesting! Never heard that term. Is there an equivalent "female gaze", I wonder, for those of us who eye up Tom Hardy and think "wouldn't mind a bit of that"? Grin

Bibidy · 03/02/2021 11:11

Apart from my relationship and home

I guess the only thing you can do then is consider what your priority is.

It sounds like if you stay with your girlfriend then your sex life won't change. Or, if it does (perhaps as a result of your letter?), it will still only be because she's doing it to please you. From what you have said, your girlfriend just doesn't share your love for sex and so she will never just develop these wants and desires for herself.

So you need to decide whether you can let that go, or whether the thought of a less-than-satisfactory sex life for the forseeable future is worth it due to your happiness with other aspects of the relationship, like fun had together, shared interests, love, a good life together.

No choice is right or wrong, it's just what you want your life to be.

Bibidy · 03/02/2021 11:11

[quote LouJ85]@Bibidy

Interesting! Never heard that term. Is there an equivalent "female gaze", I wonder, for those of us who eye up Tom Hardy and think "wouldn't mind a bit of that"? Grin[/quote]
Hahaha.

I only know as I was taught about it at university! You don't usually hear it on a day to day basis :)

Original poster
Ac198 · 03/02/2021 11:15

@Bibidy

Apart from my relationship and home

I guess the only thing you can do then is consider what your priority is.

It sounds like if you stay with your girlfriend then your sex life won't change. Or, if it does (perhaps as a result of your letter?), it will still only be because she's doing it to please you. From what you have said, your girlfriend just doesn't share your love for sex and so she will never just develop these wants and desires for herself.

So you need to decide whether you can let that go, or whether the thought of a less-than-satisfactory sex life for the forseeable future is worth it due to your happiness with other aspects of the relationship, like fun had together, shared interests, love, a good life together.

No choice is right or wrong, it's just what you want your life to be.

Describes my predicament perfectly
OP posts:
mootymoo · 03/02/2021 11:16

@Ac198

I think with ltr's it's the quality not the frequency that counts. You need to properly talk and potentially look into a specialist therapist as it seems she had major hang ups, potentially is it previous bad experiences?. Once a week but amazing is better than 2-3 times but going through the motions. Not all women like the dressing up though, it's a male fantasy I'm aware but has exploitative undertones. If the other elements of your life are good, a sex therapist really could be the answer, but only you know whether it's worth saving

LouJ85 · 03/02/2021 11:19

Not all women like the dressing up though, it's a male fantasy I'm aware but has exploitative undertones.

I agree that it won't be everyone's cup of tea to wear a sexy number from Ann summers. But can you please explain how and why it has "exploitative undertones"? I say this with genuine curiosity as a woman who has never in her life felt exploited by men, and who enjoys wearing sexy underwear (for myself as much as for my partner's benefit).

Bibidy · 03/02/2021 11:24

Describes my predicament perfectly

Obviously I don't know you Ac so I can only go on what you've posted here, but it seems to me like this issue won't fade for you and you won't be able to make peace with it. I can see you sticking it out until you hit 40 (or whatever) and then finally deciding that life is too short, and walking away as you just can't take it anymore.

You are only 35, you're still a young man. If your girlfriend ended your relationship tomorrow, would you feel sad or relieved? I feel like you will choose the latter.

LouJ85 · 03/02/2021 11:26

@Bibidy

Apart from my relationship and home

I guess the only thing you can do then is consider what your priority is.

It sounds like if you stay with your girlfriend then your sex life won't change. Or, if it does (perhaps as a result of your letter?), it will still only be because she's doing it to please you. From what you have said, your girlfriend just doesn't share your love for sex and so she will never just develop these wants and desires for herself.

So you need to decide whether you can let that go, or whether the thought of a less-than-satisfactory sex life for the forseeable future is worth it due to your happiness with other aspects of the relationship, like fun had together, shared interests, love, a good life together.

No choice is right or wrong, it's just what you want your life to be.

This is an excellent post.

Original poster
Ac198 · 03/02/2021 11:27

Probably the latter

OP posts:
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