Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

[Ac198]

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

@Gina67844

Spot on.

He's been incredibly disingenuous.

ALL OF THE ICK.
Dripping in ick!

It sounds to me because you've tried to bring the issue up, she's making an effort to give you what she thinks you want and instigates sex whilst not really being that keen as she gets nothing from it.

But it's not enough for you.

If you really aren't getting anywhere when you try and talk to her and you can't move on from this I'd suggest leaving her. The grass isn't always greener though - you might find someone who gives you 'better sex' but far less frequently and certainly not 2-3 times a week.

Btw sofa sex isn't all that and quite a lot of woman don't like kissing after giving/receiving oral sex. It's personal preference.

Really you're only options are leaving her, trying to talk again to her, accepting what you have or going to couples therapy.

I’m getting the impression she has the Ick because you view sex as a big performance & had a tendency to drag The sessions out too long.

You say your tastes are simple but then go on to reference wanting “after play”, say when you cum you’ve only just begun & mention weekends of sex.

Also she doesn’t want to kiss for long - that’s a feeling of being suffocated by the person who wants long drawn out kissing sessions like teenagers.

Am interested to know what counts as a “quicky” for you. For me a quicky would be 2mins penetration but a regular session for me is 10-15 minutes of penetration max.

I like sex but don’t like long drawn out sessions & carry an ick due to an ex who enjoyed these long drawn out sex sessions which were exhausting.

She is not asexual if she is having sex with you 2 times a week

I predict you over exaggerate your performance in the bedroom & you’re not as intuitive towards her desires as you might like to think.

Same dick for ten years can get boring

If things don’t change then I’d leave . Probs won’t get any better for you

She says she has never liked being touched. I’m not just talking intimate touching. Even if I rub her arm or hair she says the sensation causes physical pain.

OP, you wrote the above in your other thread. This actually sounds like Allodynia, which is pain caused by stimuli that don’t usually cause pain. It can be associated with diabetes, fibromyalgia, and other medical conditions or injuries. It is prevalent in individuals who have autism.

Does your Partner have ASD or a medical condition that could cause intolerance to certain sensations? Has she ever sought a medical explanation or treatment for her nerve sensitivity? Have you researched this?

[quote Ac198]@ineedtogooutlater I'm just painting the whole picture. If I live my life though the lense that she is always traumatised we will never get anywhere as it would eat us both up[/quote]
So instead of admitting to yourself she is likely traumatised and helping her you’d rather ignore it as it’s easier? I agree with the PP who says you are focused on solutions. Your partner is a whole person, and the glimpses of yourself you are showing here leads me to believe you don’t care for the parts of her that don’t lead to your sexual gratification.

You say we don’t know she’s traumatised while describing a long list of manifestations of sexual trauma.

I considered it as a possibility and made vague reference to it in my first comment way back near the start of the thread. The fact that you had the explicit knowledge of past assault and didn’t think it was a factor certainly lined up with her assertion that you lack empathy towards her. Your implication that the fact she’s “tough and strong” makes trauma less likely is offensive - tough and strong people experience trauma and react to it.

She doesn’t seem to enjoy sex yet initiates it - possibly because she feels this gives her control over the situation. She dislikes being touched, possibly due to negative associations. She doesn’t like being touched sexually outside of sex (this one I completely understand completely as I am the same - and is quite typical if you’ve experienced sexual assault in the past. It should be easy to understand why).

It’s so common for victims of sexual assault to go through phases of being more sexual, especially at the start of relationships. Trying to reclaim one’s sexual experiences as positive, trying to prove to yourself there’s no problem, trying to ensure your partner is happy and therefore less likely to turn on you, or because you feel it’s what you need to do. Sometimes even having a type of sex that’s not what you actually want. It’s complex and perhaps if you had spent a decade trying to understand what she’s experienced as you suggest, you’d know all this.

I think it’s clear that you aren’t going to understand- even with people spelling it out for you, your response is defensiveness. It’s sad but this relationship isn’t going to suddenly change so that she’s comfortable doing things she’s never wanted to do, or have sex more frequently or more enthusiastically. That’s possible with a lot of work addressing the issues, but you won’t even acknowledge the issues and think the crucial information of her history is an afterthought.

[quote EarthSight]@BigButtons

You may not use it in that way, but the term 'vanilla' has come straight out of the BDSM world. It's their word for any sex that doesn't involve domination, pain, or fetish play. They often use it in a derisive way.

Even the sex that you want would for them be considered 'vanilla'.[/quote]
Thanks for explaining.

@Changemaname1

Same dick for ten years can get boring

If things don’t change then I’d leave . Probs won’t get any better for you

Equally could say the same about the same pussy.

But if you switch things up once in a while it can keep it fresh

So I'm accused or sharing too much. But also holding back personal details that I didn't want to write on a forum. Interesting

I get fed up with the word "vanilla" in relation to sex. It sets up an expectation that any couple who enjoy loving intimate relationships but feel no desire to engage in some of the porn-driven activities that seem to have become essential are by implication boring.

Maybe they are just happy with what they have. And good luck to them.

@BigButtons

Yes - same re the phrase "vanilla". I'd think of myself as someone who enjoys more spontaneity and experimentation in sex too, but definitely not into BDSM! So I think there's misunderstanding about where the word "non-vanilla" perhaps originated from; and that some people (myself included) might use it to mean "a bit kinkier/more experimentation" as opposed to meaning they want to be dominated or have pain inflicted upon them.

@Mischance

I get fed up with the word "vanilla" in relation to sex. It sets up an expectation that any couple who enjoy loving intimate relationships but feel no desire to engage in some of the porn-driven activities that seem to have become essential are by implication boring.

Maybe they are just happy with what they have. And good luck to them.

That very much depends on whether you use the word to refer to your own (as a couple) sex life, or that of others. I have no judgement or care for the sex life of others - my partner and I would use the phrase in reference to our own activities only and how we might wish to change or experiment, etc (ie we're only referring to ourselves as being "bored" and in need of a switch up). I'd never pass judgement on what anyone else chooses to do or not do, obviously.

[quote zigzog44]@Ac198 - OP I think you’ve been given a hard time here and I think things are starting to go off topic too.
It’s easy for people to assume they know what’s happening in your relationship but only you know the situation, as does your partner.
It’s clear you’re not sexually compatible, you’ve discussed this with your partner, things have remained the same, you want different things, so there’s only one route you can go. There are also other routes you can exhaust first if you want to, sex/couples counselling but you both have to be willing to do this.
Good luck in whatever you decide![/quote]

I would echo this. You need to make a decision either way, OP.

Indeed - every couple must make their own choices. And I am monumentally disinterested in what people choose to do with their genitalia as long as consent operates.

But there is no doubt that young women are being cajoled onto activities that arise from young men and boys watching porn. And often activities that they do not want. That is sad.

@Ac198

So I'm accused or sharing too much. But also holding back personal details that I didn't want to write on a forum. Interesting

@Ac198 This is what I mean about not responding to the silly posts. The posts that make wild guesses and assumptions- . These posters usually have their own agenda and you can't win with reason or logic. part of the skill of being on here is learning when to step away.

@LouJ85 Yes! I had assumed it came from boring ice cream and was simply a general term to describe something that was ok but not very exciting. I suspect most people think of it that way.

I have never in my life had sex that was not pleasurable and satisfying - whether some might regard it as not being exciting is neither here nor there. Excitement is not everything. Mutual satisfaction is all that matters.

The OP wants things his partner does not want - things that he defines as exciting. If they do not strike his partner that way then they are off the agenda and he will have to find someone else.

If a woman does not enjoy sex it is a shared responsibility to solve that or part. I do not think that the OP's statement that sex with his partner is boring moves the solution any nearer for them.

Maybe she is with the wrong man.

If a woman does not enjoy sex it is a shared responsibility to solve that or part.

100% agree about shared responsibility to resolve, which is very tricky when one partner consistently shuts down verbal communication about the issue. Very tricky indeed ...

[quote BigButtons]@LouJ85 Yes! I had assumed it came from boring ice cream and was simply a general term to describe something that was ok but not very exciting. I suspect most people think of it that way.[/quote]

Unless you've been exposed to the world of BDSM or watch hardcore pornography, and/or you have researched the specific origins of the term "vanilla" (I've done none of these), how would you know the original meaning of the term? It's like all words, really. We just use them to mean what we understand them to mean, without necessarily knowing the specific roots of their origin. Some words also evolve to have more broader meanings than the context of their original development, etc.

But this is derailing (albeit interesting!) - sorry OP!

This is what I mean about not responding to the silly posts. The posts that make wild guesses and assumptions- . These posters usually have their own agenda and you can't win with reason or logic.

Yes, you’re so right. Reducing that a woman who’s experienced sexual trauma and struggled with being touched or discussing sex might be traumatised is such a wild stab in the dark, eh?

Given that many of the posters trying to explain this are survivors of sexual abuse, I’d say it’s less of a wild assumption than many of the others.

We may not know your partner OP but we know the impact of experiencing sexual assault. And given your attitude towards “lad talk” and thinking this is normal, it might actually help if you listened. But you won’t because you don’t really care why things are as they are.

@EmptyOrchestra

This is what I mean about not responding to the silly posts. The posts that make wild guesses and assumptions- . These posters usually have their own agenda and you can't win with reason or logic.

Yes, you’re so right. Reducing that a woman who’s experienced sexual trauma and struggled with being touched or discussing sex might be traumatised is such a wild stab in the dark, eh?

Given that many of the posters trying to explain this are survivors of sexual abuse, I’d say it’s less of a wild assumption than many of the others.

We may not know your partner OP but we know the impact of experiencing sexual assault. And given your attitude towards “lad talk” and thinking this is normal, it might actually help if you listened. But you won’t because you don’t really care why things are as they are.

It's a way some people might experience sexual assault, not all. It is one possibility for the OP's partner's behaviour. Until she is prepared to talk, to anyone, then the OP will never know and cannot move forward with her. The success of the relationship is a shared responsibility.