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Original poster

Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

822 replies

Ac198 · 01/02/2021 16:16

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 03/02/2021 09:47

On the subject of whether her past sexual experiences have left trauma - I really don't think this can be underestimated, and it doesn't always have to be something as extreme as a past assault.

There are things men do that are well intentioned, but because of my past experiences, I don't like them. For example, you would think that a man talking passionately about all the things they would like to do with me, using language like wanting to "taste" me, would be arousing. But the reality is that I have been harassed by men using this kind of language, unsolicited and unwanted, spent so much time trying not to he seen as "rejecting" them lest they turn nasty, for so many years, that I associate it with them and find it really off putting. In fact, I prefer it when my partner doesn't say much in the heat of the moment. I have to say, a part of me does instinctively recoil from your more explicit descriptions of what you'd like to "do" to her, and the above is why.

Others have explained the reasons many women don't like being touched sexually outside of sex, that one is obvious. Also mentioned before - a lot of women will have cause to associate men that are strongly interested in the performative element of sex with men that objectify them, often down to watching a lot of porn, and will find that offputting.

All of the above things, which are traits you have displayed, may be meant in a positive and loving way by you, but she simply doesn't like them, and sadly I can't blame her for that. Sex can be a very marred and toxic thing for a lot of women, due to the actions of countless men that are near impossible to avoid encountering, spoiling it for them, and leaving mental associations that linger. It is a sad reality but a very real one.

Silverthorny · 03/02/2021 09:48

@Ac198 My (unpopular) view would be - if you end this relationship and start another, the same thing is likely to happen, particularly if you have children. Your issue is a very common issue, why affairs start. I’m having an affair - and it’s a very ‘friends with benefits’ type scenario. I love my family, I don’t want to pester DP - but he simply doesn’t want sex with me. I wish it was just more acceptable.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 03/02/2021 09:50

@Ac198, firstly congratulations on tolerating 28 pages of MN batshittery! Unfortunately there are so many posters on here who look for the tiniest thing to have a go at a poster for, particularly if male, who don’t have very good comprehension skills, and project their issues onto others. It’s a mind fuck here, it really is.

Secondly, it sounds as though your GF has some sexual and communication issues which at best is just a simple case of incompatibility. I don’t think what you want is excessive, it sounds pretty normal to me, but unfortunately, for whatever reason, you and your GF are not compatible sexually. And if she refuses to discuss day to day relationship issues then you have no idea how to improve that side of things either. Sad as it is I don’t think things will improve and best to leave.

LouJ85 · 03/02/2021 09:51

@aSofaNearYou

On the subject of whether her past sexual experiences have left trauma - I really don't think this can be underestimated, and it doesn't always have to be something as extreme as a past assault.

There are things men do that are well intentioned, but because of my past experiences, I don't like them. For example, you would think that a man talking passionately about all the things they would like to do with me, using language like wanting to "taste" me, would be arousing. But the reality is that I have been harassed by men using this kind of language, unsolicited and unwanted, spent so much time trying not to he seen as "rejecting" them lest they turn nasty, for so many years, that I associate it with them and find it really off putting. In fact, I prefer it when my partner doesn't say much in the heat of the moment. I have to say, a part of me does instinctively recoil from your more explicit descriptions of what you'd like to "do" to her, and the above is why.

Others have explained the reasons many women don't like being touched sexually outside of sex, that one is obvious. Also mentioned before - a lot of women will have cause to associate men that are strongly interested in the performative element of sex with men that objectify them, often down to watching a lot of porn, and will find that offputting.

All of the above things, which are traits you have displayed, may be meant in a positive and loving way by you, but she simply doesn't like them, and sadly I can't blame her for that. Sex can be a very marred and toxic thing for a lot of women, due to the actions of countless men that are near impossible to avoid encountering, spoiling it for them, and leaving mental associations that linger. It is a sad reality but a very real one.

But would you also agree that, if she doesn't like the OP's approach, and it makes her feel uncomfortable for all the reasons you mention, that there has to be an element of shared responsibility in terms of her voicing that to him when he repeatedly asks? She has a choice, surely, to respond at that point with "actually now you mention it, I despise it when you do / say x, y, z because ......". As far as we can see, she hasn't shared that with OP. So whilst I'm appreciating what you're saying and where you are coming from, I can also see that it's a nigh on impossible situation to try to work the ooh or resolve without reciprocal, open communication.

LouJ85 · 03/02/2021 09:52

*work out, not work ooh. Blush

LouJ85 · 03/02/2021 09:53

[quote CandidaAlbicans2]@Ac198, firstly congratulations on tolerating 28 pages of MN batshittery! Unfortunately there are so many posters on here who look for the tiniest thing to have a go at a poster for, particularly if male, who don’t have very good comprehension skills, and project their issues onto others. It’s a mind fuck here, it really is.

Secondly, it sounds as though your GF has some sexual and communication issues which at best is just a simple case of incompatibility. I don’t think what you want is excessive, it sounds pretty normal to me, but unfortunately, for whatever reason, you and your GF are not compatible sexually. And if she refuses to discuss day to day relationship issues then you have no idea how to improve that side of things either. Sad as it is I don’t think things will improve and best to leave.[/quote]

Agree. One of the more balanced posts!

LouJ85 · 03/02/2021 09:56

And given your attitude towards “lad talk” and thinking this is normal, it might actually help if you listened.

What exactly was his "attitude towards lad talk"? He referenced having overheard his mates talk about sexual encounters in what sounded like a disrespectful way, and said "you wouldn't believe what I've heard, it's more common than you think", or words to that effect? As far as I can see, correct me please if I've missed it, he didn't condone it, nor say be found it hilarious? He just commented that he had heard it. How does this display his "attitude" towards it?

LouJ85 · 03/02/2021 10:02

The success of the relationship is a shared responsibility.

This.

tigerlily20 · 03/02/2021 10:04

I'm going to call other posters who don't share the same opinion as me and tried to delve deeper into the problem "batshit" but then give you the advice that is the same as the advice you had been given at the start of this thread so really just took the opportunity to bash other posters. Thanks

Original poster
Ac198 · 03/02/2021 10:07

@LouJ85

And given your attitude towards “lad talk” and thinking this is normal, it might actually help if you listened.

What exactly was his "attitude towards lad talk"? He referenced having overheard his mates talk about sexual encounters in what sounded like a disrespectful way, and said "you wouldn't believe what I've heard, it's more common than you think", or words to that effect? As far as I can see, correct me please if I've missed it, he didn't condone it, nor say be found it hilarious? He just commented that he had heard it. How does this display his "attitude" towards it?

I thought this. I never said that was my attitude. I'm not going to be help accountable for what other men say and do.

I was mearly expressing that people would be surprised at the widespread attitude towards sex among young men. The football team thing was from my 20s. But it was prevalent chat among many. I've even heard these things discussed in an office scenario.

Someone mentioned me objectifying women as well. I would degree with this. I certainly see women through the male gaze often. Which may be a flaw. But the only way I can describe it is that I see women as very beautiful and very sexy. Many different types of women. For me its more appreciation like a peice of art in a gallery, they way a great piece of music makes you feel or seeing a beautiful landscape, that's how certain women make me feel.

OP posts:
tigerlily20 · 03/02/2021 10:10

Because that isn't objectifying women at all Confused

LouJ85 · 03/02/2021 10:11

I was mearly expressing that people would be surprised at the widespread attitude towards sex among young men.

Yes, I took it that way, too.

dewisant2020 · 03/02/2021 10:11

OP you really need to think about moving on and going your own separate ways. You are 35 and to young to be in a relationship that doesn't fulfill your needs and trust me it will only get worse.
There are plenty of woman out there who are sexually adventurous go and find one of them.

aSofaNearYou · 03/02/2021 10:13

But would you also agree that, if she doesn't like the OP's approach, and it makes her feel uncomfortable for all the reasons you mention, that there has to be an element of shared responsibility in terms of her voicing that to him when he repeatedly asks? She has a choice, surely, to respond at that point with "actually now you mention it, I despise it when you do / say x, y, z because ......". As far as we can see, she hasn't shared that with OP. So whilst I'm appreciating what you're saying and where you are coming from, I can also see that it's a nigh on impossible situation to try to work the ooh or resolve without reciprocal, open communication.

Yes, she does. But I can envision a situation in which OP does so many things he thinks are romantic, but she hates, that she doesn't know where to start. Women are conditioned to cushion the feelings of men. As well as that, I've mentioned it a couple of times but I think a lot of women struggle to even process and understand these feelings within themselves, let alone articulate them to others.

But my aim wasn't to absolve her of any responsibility, more to hopefully open OPs eyes to the ways in which things he cannot see as anything other than positive, might not feel good to her. Ideally it should come from her, but since it isn't... knowledge is power and all that.

LouJ85 · 03/02/2021 10:17

But the only way I can describe it is that I see women as very beautiful and very sexy. Many different types of women. For me its more appreciation like a peice of art in a gallery, they way a great piece of music makes you feel or seeing a beautiful landscape, that's how certain women make me feel.

I get this. As a female, I see (for example) Tom Hardy as very "hot and sexy". I can appreciate a picture of him in the way I might appreciate a form of artwork. It doesn't mean I genuinely see him as "an object". Same with my DP (without oversharing - again!) - when he comes out of the shower topless I might think (I mean god forbid I might even say out loud) "hmmm nice". Does this mean I am objectifying my man, because I am appreciative of his body? Or does it mean I'm a heterosexual female who can appreciate a visual image of someone I find sexually appealing. Genuinely not sure after reading this thread .... 😆

Original poster
Ac198 · 03/02/2021 10:20

@tigerlily20

Because that isn't objectifying women at all Confused
I honestly don't think it is:

totreatapersonlike atoolortoy, as if they had nofeelings,opinions, orrightsoftheirown.

I don't do the above. I appreciate my gf visually. I accept my perspective has been influenced by the male gaze. But that is a society issue not unique to me.

Visual attraction can not be attributed as objectifying all the time. If not no one would ever be allowed to hook up for fear of objectifying the person.

OP posts:
LouJ85 · 03/02/2021 10:24

Visual attraction can not be attributed as objectifying all the time. If not no one would ever be allowed to hook up for fear of objectifying the person.

Agreed - entirely. None of us would ever be physically or visually attracted to anyone if it was all considered objectification. We'd be effectively "blind dating" for the sake of not inadvertently treating the other as an object!

tigerlily20 · 03/02/2021 10:24

Art and music is created with the sole purpose of gratification for the viewer/listener. Likening a beautiful women to a piece of art or music suggests that the sole purpose of that woman is to be appreciated by the 'male gaze' her sole purpose is for the gratification of men... objectification. Surprised I needed to explain that one.

LouJ85 · 03/02/2021 10:26

I certainly see women through the male gaze often. Which may be a flaw.

OP, what do you mean by "seeing through the male gaze" and how is this a flaw?

You're not going to see women through a "female gaze" are you, because you're male. No more than I'm going to see men through a "male gaze".

I'm just curious as to what you mean here

LouJ85 · 03/02/2021 10:29

@tigerlily20

Art and music is created with the sole purpose of gratification for the viewer/listener. Likening a beautiful women to a piece of art or music suggests that the sole purpose of that woman is to be appreciated by the 'male gaze' her sole purpose is for the gratification of men... objectification. Surprised I needed to explain that one.

I think the major difference in how we seem to be interpreting this lies in your phrase "suggests the sole purpose is...". I disagree. I don't think it suggests this - it's one aspect of human nature and relationships to be visually attracted to and appreciative of those we find sexually attractive. Just one aspect. That's certainly what I mean when I say "I can appreciate the male form in the way I might appreciate art". But this does not preclude my ability to equally appreciate personality qualities and a broad range of other factors that come along with men. They're not mutually exclusive.

tigerlily20 · 03/02/2021 10:31

You have a simplistic view of women, you probably need to look for a woman who enjoys being sexualised/objectified... there's nothing wrong if that's what they're into... your partner has issues due to past trauma... I don't think it's going to work

LouJ85 · 03/02/2021 10:33

@tigerlily20

Here's an example - my man might comment on how I look in new underwear for example. In that moment, at that precise second in time, he's appreciating me visually and physically. But then he will also tell me how proud he is of me for carrying his baby and enduring a difficult pregnancy thus far, how much he appreciates my support when he calls me to rant about a work related matter .. etc. (2 very small examples). He isn't "objectifying me" in that moment he comments on my underwear and my body. He's appreciating one small aspect of me, along with the many others he comments on daily. If all he focussed on was my body and underwear, I wouldn't be with him for the 7 years that I have. So there is a difference.

Original poster
Ac198 · 03/02/2021 10:34

@tigerlily20

Art and music is created with the sole purpose of gratification for the viewer/listener. Likening a beautiful women to a piece of art or music suggests that the sole purpose of that woman is to be appreciated by the 'male gaze' her sole purpose is for the gratification of men... objectification. Surprised I needed to explain that one.
You're right I'll give you that.

But when I'm attracted to a women I am appreciating her beauty or something about her physical appearance or manner.

I'm not at the same time thinking to myself that this women is here solely for my gratification and objectification.

Are you telling me you have never looked at a man or women and thought how fantastic they looked? Or even fantasised about a sexual experience with them, or even just what it would be like to talk to them?

OP posts:
InkieNecro · 03/02/2021 10:35

So she asked you to stop touching her bum and you did, you noticed she didn't like sex and stopped initiating, you've tried talking to her to see how to make her happier. I fail to see how those things mean you're a rapey sex pest.

You've tried to talk, you immediately stopped things you realised she didn't like. You tried to have a conversation rather than just leaving.

I don't think those are the actions of a bad person.

tigerlily20 · 03/02/2021 10:37

But this whole thread been about "my partner won't look and act like the object of my desires, should I leave..." there has been very little emphasis on her other qualities. He knows what's he wants from women but partner isn't giving it to him, and her other qualities pale in comparison to the lack of his sexual desires being indulged...they won't address the issues/work on the issues in the relationship... I'm only going on what he has written and it looks like he's checked out so