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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How long do I wait for him?

178 replies

outofreachsofar · 01/02/2021 11:43

We were together for 5 years.
We didn't live together and have no children.
I seen him twice a week.
One night he came over and was acting different..he told me he wanted to end it and wasn't in love with me anymore.
I text him every day (and he replied ) we have met up since and I grabbed his phone..he had been texting another woman.
I deleted her number from his phone and text her telling her he had a GF
She then blocked him.
This was November.
I have lost my temper with him when he doesn't check in with me.
The thing is he has never really experienced love.
He isn't from a loving family.
I know he loves me,he wants to be with me but is scared of something.
I told him he will regret this soon and realise how much I loved him.
How long do I wait for him?
We text daily(mostly me initiating ) but I'm trying not to kick off at him.
What is he scared of?
Commitment ?

OP posts:
Coffeeandaride · 01/02/2021 20:05

I’m sorry OP, but believe him if he says he doesn’t love you. Believe him when he texted her to say his relationship is on the way out.
I felt a bit like this once too (4 years together first). However it was me that finally ended it, he wasn’t in love with me, he said that I couldn’t “unilaterally end things” and so there was a tearful few months of keeping in contact, kind of friends, and of him thinking we would perhaps reconcile, me looking for a sign he loved me/that there could be a future.
I know it’s not the same but in retrospect, we needed no contact sooner, I couldn’t think straight at the time, it felt on my side like a love I would never feel again. I wish I’d been a bit more dignified, I begged at times, love shouldn’t make you feel so shit and desperate. Anyway I was wrong, it was better and much happier to love and be loved back.

emily372 · 01/02/2021 20:08

The ONLY way you have a chance to get him to commit is to back off.
Give him the freedom, the breathing space!

Completely step back and let him decide what he wants

gaijinetal · 01/02/2021 20:14

[quote outofreachsofar]@NotaCoolMum I'm 32 [/quote]
You're still young but you haven't got years and years to waste pining after him if you want to have kids.

He hadn't committed in five years - he's done the opposite, he's cheated and finished the relationship.

I'm sorry but I can't see things changing.

It doesn't matter how much you think you love him, or that noone could love him like you (which is very dramatic) ... What matters, what makes a relationship is that both people live each other and want to be together.

The way he's acting suggests he doesn't want to hurt you/be really horrible but that he doesn't feel the right way to continue the relationship, commit etc.

There are other men in the world. And you only need one.

It's obvious this is very painful for you but what can you do but recover and move on, in time meet someone else (you can love someoned else).

gaijinetal · 01/02/2021 20:18

As the poster above says - stepping away, not running after him, recovering, moving in us a win win.. because it's the only way he'll change his current decisions - but I really wouldn't bet on him changing his decisions; so at least you'll have detached a bit, acted with dignity and moved on.

Ginger1982 · 01/02/2021 20:23

You're coming across as completely obsessed.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/02/2021 20:30

You need help to work out why you have such poor boundaries, low self esteem, bad coping mechanisms and believe very strange things about relationships.

Really do seek help.

Emeraldshamrock · 01/02/2021 20:32

Let him go, it's hard when you thought you had a future together it died it is over you need to accept it and move in.
He should be honest with you, if a person really wants to be with you they'd make it happen at all costs he is stringing you a long.

marshmallowfluffy · 01/02/2021 20:35

@outofreachsofar

Are you forgetting he was messaging another woman behind my back for months? Asking to take her on a date whilst we were still together. Yet somehow I'm the one in the wrong
This is wrong but he's not the one posting.

"I know he loves me really" stuff is what scary stalkers say to justify their obsession.

You deserve a partner who loves you - this man isn't it. You're wasting your time with this man. Have some pride and stop chasing him. You can't rescue him from his past so let go of the notion that this background is preventing him from being with you.

You need to block him and stop contact. Work on yourself and find someone who has similar goals to you. The attention that your ex is giving you is pity /guilt. I suspect he's truthful when he says he doesn't love you and wants to date others.

TrappedAndDepressed · 01/02/2021 20:39

11:43outofreachsofar

How old are you both?
Any race or religious conflict in terms of parents / families?
Are you jobs and financial position similar?

Either there is a major difference in your lives and he doesn't want to move forward or he simply doesn't and was using you until someone better came along.
It's not going anywhere.

Firevixen · 01/02/2021 20:44

Let me get this straight...
He broke up with you, he had also been cheating on you... and you're wondering how long you should wait for him to change his mind?

I hate to break this to you, but he's not that in to you. He doesn't love you- and that's not because he has never experienced love, it's because you are not the right person for him.

And you are not the right one for him! Stop trying to give him something he clearly doesn't want. When he says that he knows he wont do better he is just trying not to hurt your feelings. He's showing you want he wants, and that's not you.

Stop dwelling and free yourself up for someone who will love you and give you what you need. You deserve it.

Bumblebee1980a · 01/02/2021 20:59

[quote outofreachsofar]@NotaCoolMum I'm 32 [/quote]
Don't waste anymore of your 30's.

Happygogoat · 01/02/2021 21:07

He's an arse for cheating but you have really lost it. You cannot coercively make someone be in a relationship with you no matter what you say or think about the how's and why's around his behaviour.

Move on - you're the crazy ex!!

Onthedunes · 01/02/2021 22:03

Don't wait for anybody op.

Cut the cord and run free to find another love which will be reciprocated.

Yours is an unrequited love.

Honeyroar · 01/02/2021 22:18

Don’t wait any longer. You’re wasting your time and dragging out the pain. He’s met someone else, fallen for her. He’s finished with you (which is the first reasonable thing he’s done, if he’d been after her for a while). You’ve got to leave it. When you grabbed his phone and told her he had a girlfriend he’d already finished with you, so was free to text other women if he wanted. It doesn’t matter how much you think you love him, he’s not the one. He doesn’t feel the same. And he’s agreeing he’ll regret it to try and make you feel better. Step away. You deserve better anyway.

Lorddenning1 · 01/02/2021 22:21

I can't believe he told u he doesn't love you anymore and u still message him daily and get mad when he doesn't check in with you!!!
You down own him OP, if this was a man doing this to a women there would be uproar, you sound a bit mad!

Wiredforsound · 01/02/2021 23:08

He has told you to your face that it’s over, that he’s not in love with you any more. It’s over. He’s not in love with you any more. He can text whoever he wants.

Jesskir89 · 01/02/2021 23:20

Op you will read some of these posts and they will upset you and piss you right off but if you take some of the advice on board in 6 months you will be thanking people. You're heartbroken and he's a dick (for cheating) but were speaking from experience and don't want you to feel embarrassed in the future. You said you text him every day? Why not try not to for a couple of days and if he messages you, then you know the score, if he doesn't, you know the score? Please for your own sanity try it. You'll be checking your phone every 5 mins... granted but after a few days you'll gradually start to feel better and better as you know where you stand one way or another x

BeautifulBirds · 01/02/2021 23:29

How old are you? Sounds like playground nonsense.

Honeyroar · 01/02/2021 23:34

@BeautifulBirds

How old are you? Sounds like playground nonsense.
To be fair, so does a comment like this.
Shodan · 01/02/2021 23:40

He doesn't love you.
He doesn't want you.
He is weak. Not scared of commitment, not unable to love because he didn't have a loving family, or whatever excuse you can come up with. He's just ...weak.

Your relationship wasn't what you imagined it to be, because he wasn't what you imagined him to be.

Don't wait.
Don't contact him.
Don't feed his ego.

Get some dignity and self-respect. Some day, a man will come along who really deserves your love, and it will feel all the sweeter if you haven't debased yourself chasing after a pathetic weakling.

KatherineJaneway · 02/02/2021 07:02

@outofreachsofar

Is there a reason you didn't live together? 5 years is a long time to only see each other twice a week.

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 02/02/2021 09:49

Dont wait a second longer. Op have some dignity. The 'scared of something' or 'issues' is such a bullshit excuse men use when they're too scared to just say they're not that into you

Inaseagull · 02/02/2021 11:09

How are you feeling about it all today OP? You had quite a bashing yesterday, but hopefully you are seeing things a bit clearer now. Have you managed to refrain from messaging?

Bumblebee1980a · 03/02/2021 14:23

Hope you're feeling ok @outofreachsofar

A breakup is hard enough to go through without finding out they have been texting someone else. It's hurts.

In addition to all this we're on lockdown so I can imagine you're feeling pretty shit!

Sending hugs Thanks

BibbityBobbety · 03/02/2021 18:45

Oh OP, harsh truth time here, he doesn't want to be with you. It doesn't matter how much you love him, people need more than someone's love to be happy. Especially if he just does not feel that way about you. Your love alone is not enough to make a relationship last.

There's not always a reason why. Things change, people change, and even though 5 years is a long time, at some point he decided you were not the one for him. And it is better he ended it now rather than waste another 5 years of your life.

Of course, he won't block you. Just because he doesn't love you romantically, doesn't mean he has stopped caring for you! But this doesn't mean he wants to be in a relationship with you. Forget the other woman, she is irrelevant as even without her, he would still feel whatever gap there is, to make him break up.

Please stop messaging him, and accept that this is over. It will be painful, so allow yourself to grieve. And when you get angry or upset, call a friend or family to rant, rather than speak to him. As terrible as it feels now, you're only prolonging the pain the longer you stay in touch. So for your sanity, delete his number, block him (you can explain to him it's to help you move on, if you want), remove him from all social media (to stop you stalking and torturing yourself), and then throw yourself into whatever hobbies/friendships/distractions you can.

I'd also recommend reading the book, 'It's called a break up because it's broken' - it very funny and had great advice on how to get over a break up without losing your dignity.

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