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Original poster

How long do I wait for him?

178 replies

outofreachsofar · 01/02/2021 11:43

We were together for 5 years.
We didn't live together and have no children.
I seen him twice a week.
One night he came over and was acting different..he told me he wanted to end it and wasn't in love with me anymore.
I text him every day (and he replied ) we have met up since and I grabbed his phone..he had been texting another woman.
I deleted her number from his phone and text her telling her he had a GF
She then blocked him.
This was November.
I have lost my temper with him when he doesn't check in with me.
The thing is he has never really experienced love.
He isn't from a loving family.
I know he loves me,he wants to be with me but is scared of something.
I told him he will regret this soon and realise how much I loved him.
How long do I wait for him?
We text daily(mostly me initiating ) but I'm trying not to kick off at him.
What is he scared of?
Commitment ?

OP posts:
DogsSausages · 01/02/2021 18:41

If he was messaging and arranging dates while you were in a relationship with him then why do you want him anyway. You are not his wife, he can do what he likes when he likes with whoever he likes.

Doingitaloneandproud · 01/02/2021 18:41

@outofreachsofar

Are you forgetting he was messaging another woman behind my back for months? Asking to take her on a date whilst we were still together. Yet somehow I'm the one in the wrong
No ones saying that was right, but you said after he'd told you he didn't want to be with you, you deleted this woman's number. That was not yours to delete. He's said he doesn't love you anymore, you may love him but you can't force his love and your actions won't be making him fall back In love with you. Hold you head up, keep your dignity and move on.
Onthedunes · 01/02/2021 18:43

Why do you only see him twice a week, when you have been together 5 years.
Has he got another relationship, could you be an ow.?

The wording of your original post doe's not sound like a woman in a primary relationship.

I would leave him alone and concentrate on finding someone who wants you 100%

user86386427 · 01/02/2021 18:43

@outofreachsofar all the more reason to back the hell off! Why do you want someone who cheated on you and then broke up with you? He isn't in to you, have some dignity and leave him be.

NotaCoolMum · 01/02/2021 18:44

@outofreachsofar

Are you forgetting he was messaging another woman behind my back for months? Asking to take her on a date whilst we were still together. Yet somehow I'm the one in the wrong
He was wrong to message another woman- and I have to ask- were these just friendly chat messages or sexual? I’m asking because I have a feeling he could open the door for a little old lady and you’d probably accuse him of cheating.

You are acting out of control. Who do you think you are to decide “he’s scared” or whatever issues you’ve made up for him to suit your idea of why he doesn’t want to be with you? He could give you 100 reasons and I imagine you’ll still decide he’s scared of love or whatever. You had no right to take his phone- he had broken up with you... all you’re doing now is proving he was right to end it. Please try to get a grip for your own sake and for his.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/02/2021 18:44

Whilst you were still together? Not after he tried to break up with you?

OK. But you still shouldn't be waiting for him. You still shouldn't be expecting your feelings for him to influence what he does.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 01/02/2021 18:45

@outofreachsofar

Are you forgetting he was messaging another woman behind my back for months? Asking to take her on a date whilst we were still together. Yet somehow I'm the one in the wrong
The way you write it, it sounded like he was texting someone else & you grabbed his phone after you split up

He was cheating on you, stop begging him to get back with you, move on with your life. I KNOW it's hard, but it's what he wants. IF he regrets it in the future that's his loss if you are happy with someone else.

Scrape your self esteem off the floor, dust it off snd get on with your life.

user86386427 · 01/02/2021 18:45

Why do you only see him twice a week, when you have been together 5 years.Has he got another relationship, could you be an ow?

Very true. In the least it's lacking in any commitment.

Original poster
outofreachsofar · 01/02/2021 18:45

@NotaCoolMum telling her she's beautiful,asking to take her on a date,when she said no he asked her how could he win her over.
He loved what she was wearing at work etc etc
Telling her me and him were practically over etc etc
Deffo not friendly

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/02/2021 18:47

So move on.

Dump him. Block him. Just leave him.

You are going to have to accept it sooner not later. Be kind to yourself, make it sooner. Like now!

NotaCoolMum · 01/02/2021 18:48

@outofreachsofar ok so he’s definitely a twat 💐 but as one pp said- he was wrong then, but you are in the wrong now. Please walk away from him- this is toxic in so many ways. Can I ask how old you are?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 01/02/2021 18:48

He's told someone else that you and he are over

He's told you the same

Move on for your own sanity.

WhatFreshHell · 01/02/2021 18:52

OP, everyone has said it for me, and better - but this man has said he doesn't want a relationship with you. Digest this information, and don't bother him again.

Original poster
outofreachsofar · 01/02/2021 18:54

@NotaCoolMum I'm 32

OP posts:
Nohairofcourseicare · 01/02/2021 19:01

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

OP for God's sake stop it. You sound insane. Yes 5 years is a long time, I get that it's hard to move on. But you had no right to grab his phone, even if he was "being funny" with it. That's just crazy. Even if you'd still been together I don't think you should have done that, but to do it to you ex is completely out of order. And deleting numbers off his phone, texting other women pretending he's still with you, texting him every day and trying not to "kick off" at him for not going back out with you, making up stories in your head about the real reason for you break up and then holding that against him - if you were my ex I'd seriously be considering reporting you for harassment. You sound like you've lost all perspective of what appropriate behaviour looks like. He's your ex. He isn't scared of experiencing real love or whatever bollocks you've told yourself, he's been very clear that he just doesn't love you any more. He's entitled to not love you, to change his mind, to dump you, to date other women, to not reply to your texts or "check in" with you - he isn't your boyfriend any more! Leave him alone and get some therapy.
This sounds really harsh but it’s good advice. From what you’ve said OP it doesn’t sound like you’re going to listen to gentle advice. Please just give yourself chance to move on. You can’t carry on behaving like this, you’ll end up being reported for harassment.
bangheadhere40 · 01/02/2021 19:01

Hey OP...I'm going to be a bit nicer. You are understandably heartbroken over someone you've invested 5 years into to suddenly be seeing another woman. It's a really crazy thing to grasp and of course it's natural to be annoyed, jealous etc which can make anyone a little crazy.

I've been there...only once mind in my late 30s and I've never experienced anything like it. I'm sure hormones take over!

I really would try and take a step back and try and work on what you want. In the long term do you really want a man that can drop you, not commit to you. I'm sure uou deserve better x

NotaCoolMum · 01/02/2021 19:01

@outofreachsofar if I were you I’d go No Contact. For both your sakes. It’s really hard but it’s like ripping off a plaster- it hurts at first but you will heal a bit every day. I know you’re hurting but he clearly is not the one for you. Every day you spend hung up on him is one more day spent hurting. Take a breather and work on loving yourself. Every day without him is a day closer to you healing 💐

MrMeSeeks · 01/02/2021 19:02

Oh op seriously, if this is real you need to accept its over and move on.
As nice as poss, Look at the replies, not one person on your side, does that not say something?
No one is saying he is right for cheating ( why would you WANT him after this?) but what you’ve done next is so far over the line!
He’s only agreed with you to get you off his back, this is harassment.
You don’t need him, he’s cheated on you!
Find someone else, someone who deserves you, who won’t cheat on you.
Stop texting him if he wants to come back he will ( but why would you take him back??)
He’s being texting another woman, and saying he’s going to dump you.
He doesn’t love you, clearly doesn’t respect you, you can do better! Let him be her problem!

pictish · 01/02/2021 19:03

I mean this with the utmost kindness OP...take some time out to work on building your self esteem for a brighter, happier future.

There is nothing...NOTHING on earth that would persuade me to doggedly chase after a man who has made it clear he doesn’t want me. No bigger turn off than that. If he doesn’t want me I have no need of him either.

You need to get to a place where you realise the same is true for you.

peboh · 01/02/2021 19:04

Yes he was wrong to cheat on you, of course he was. Nobody has stated he wasn't. However you're acting like a bunny boiler on here 'he loves me, I know he does, he's just scared, he'll regret this, he'll never find anyone who loves him like me' just forget about the relationship and move on.

Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 01/02/2021 19:07

He will never find anyone who loves him as much as I do.

Bloody hell, op. Leave him alone. Seriously. And get some counselling. You've completely lost all sense of reason.

He isnt interested. He hasnt been interested in a long while. He was doing the spineless thing of lining up his next girlfriend before cutting off his current one. He wont regret splitting up with you. He will be confident it was the right decision, confirmed by your behaviour.

Ask yourself why you want him back anyway.

nitsandwormsdodger · 01/02/2021 19:13

He has been cheating on you for ages he finally did the right thing and ended it
Stop texting him
Move on
lots of women will love him ( poor fools)
Why on earth would you want this unfaithful git back in your life

Get some self esteem you deserve better and if you can't leave him alone get therapy

Techway · 01/02/2021 19:17

It's controlling to take his phone and delete her number.. you're scary.

He shouldn't have lined up someone before finishing it with you but sadly many people do this.

honeysuckle21 · 01/02/2021 19:25

If the boyfriend is still meeting op then I think she has every right to feel disappointed and betrayed, he's not strong enough to end it completely but he's not wanting a relationship with you either. Don't waste any more time, sorry you that must feel that 5 years has gone down the pan but now you know he's looking for another relationship it's time to let him go.

Crazycrazylady · 01/02/2021 19:38

Op
I know it's hard to face after spending five years together but he just doesn't love you. I would hate for you to wait five more years for him when he will never commit or marry you.
Be brave block him and move on with your life and find someone who loves you back.

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