Just found out my parnter cheated on me early on in the relationship for 2 years for MONEY

[DeanRose92]

Hi everyone, so this is quite a shocking story but im just lost and dont know where to go from here.

I’ve been with my partner for nearly 4 years, 2 and a half years in i found out she was weirdly close to this 70 year old man… I got quite jealous but she insisted he was just a friend and she felt sorry for him.

as time went on i eventually asked her to stop speaking to him because it felt quite uncomfortable, after many arguments and her making out i was paranoid and i even took on counselling sessions and started antidepressants as even in convinced myself i was overly paranoid and obsessing…

So eventually she promised to stop talking to him and blocked his number however a month or so later i found out she was secretly ringing him at work when i confronted her about it with the intention of ending the relationship she said she was in fear of her life and she had to speak to him or he would harm her family…. She then went on to tell me he forced him to do sexual things to him over the 6 year period they knew each other…

She has not spoke to this man for over a year now however one day recently i decided to confirm this and speak to him myself, I have now confronted this man to get the truth myself and he’s shown me all the evidence and explained to me that they had an agreement… She would perform sexual acts on him in return for him giving her money, he bought her a car and a brand new phone for example (she told me she saved for these things) and even had videos of her to prove she “willingly” did these things… She has since admitted this and admitted this went on during the first 2 years of our relationship……..

At this point i would end the relationship and move on with my life as that is the most unforgivable betrayal someone could do to someone they love.

However….. Before finding this out we have moved into our own house, i have proposed to this woman and recently found out we are expecting a baby………………. I dont know what to do…… I’m lost. She says she regrets the first two years of our relationship and the entire relationship with this man and is begging me to give her the chance to prove she just wants to be happy and she wants to move forward, She apologises to me atleast 30 times a day. I dont know what to do.

We’ve had over half the thread now of people speculating over the partner and saying how much she needs support. Far more posts completely detailing this thread than there ever were calling the partner names (which I don’t agree with either).

What about the OP? What about support for the victim of abuse that is actually sitting here on the thread? There have been some disgusting things said to him here, twisting his words and attacking him.

@Dyrne

We’ve had over half the thread now of people speculating over the partner and saying how much she needs support. Far more posts completely detailing this thread than there ever were calling the partner names (which I don’t agree with either).

What about the OP? What about support for the victim of abuse that is actually sitting here on the thread? There have been some disgusting things said to him here, twisting his words and attacking him.

Almost every single thread is telling him to leave. Some of those posts include posters showing sympathy for them both

Hi, no I wasn't there I never seen him until the day I asked him about everything. Definitely were not spending time together, she dsi everything in her power to keep us seperate so I didn't find out

I'm ok thank-you, starting to regret this thread as its turned into bickering and accusations which is unfortunate x

I appreciate the kind help and advice from most of you anyway, I really do. Thank you x

[quote Marinaloves]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
Would you say that to a woman who has been abused and cheated by her partner
Pretty disgusting
Whatever happened to you in your life i hope you’re getting professional help for it, rather than massively projecting onto hurt peoples threads. Maybe check yourself every now and again. I know it’s easy to get carried away on here. But fml you and several others have taken it too far now.[/quote]
Say what to a woman abused by her partner? that's they can't dictate the responses on a thread? Yes, if the partner had been through what the OPs partner had been through, but his emotional trauma was being dismissed and he was being demonised, I absolutely would.
You can't scream the sexism card everytime something doesn't agree with you.
I'm not projecting anything at all. I have been through nothing like that in my life, and don't need professional help thanks. Bit of a reach because someone doesn't agree with you really. I just don't agree with someone who has been taken advantage of their whole life, being torn to pieces on a thread.

Also, I don't think I'm the one getting carried away. Perhaps "check yourself".

@Dean12
Good luck
I hope you can co- parent well and find someone who doesn’t treat you badly.
I’m sorry your thread got derailed by people trying to change the agenda.
Don’t blame yourself, that’s probably the hardest part.

@Emptytank but the trouble is, it’s not as simple as “just leave”. It’s well documented that victims of abuse struggle to leave their partners and guilt can be a big reason along with feelings that if they can just somehow be better then they can “fix” their partner.

Can you not see how post after post of speculating on the partner’s trauma and how much she needs support (along with some nasty accusations); could make everything worse and pile the guilt on for “abandoning” his partner?

A few posts suggesting a wider picture I can understand but we’ve had well over half a thread now of piling on.

@Dyrne

We’ve had over half the thread now of people speculating over the partner and saying how much she needs support. Far more posts completely detailing this thread than there ever were calling the partner names (which I don’t agree with either).

What about the OP? What about support for the victim of abuse that is actually sitting here on the thread? There have been some disgusting things said to him here, twisting his words and attacking him.

I'm confused as to what support strangers on the Internet can offer? Almost every post has said he's perfectly within his rights to leave, as is anyone that's even just unsatisfied in a relationship, and basically everyone has acknowledged what his partner has done is wrong, and that it must have been really difficult, but we can also acknowledge the reasons for her actions (which are quite clear, no matter how much people want to dismiss that). We don't have to gush all over the OP and call a vulnerable woman names. I don't do that on threads that women post, or on threads where I have no idea the sex of the OP, I'm unlikely to do it on this thread just because we know it's a man.

He can leave her and still recommended she sees a councillor/gets help it’s in his child’s best interests as well. Just like he should also speak to someone a professional to work out his mind regardless of if his single or stays with her again that will help him and help him parent his child.

Nobody is saying he should stay that’s his choice but he has to accept what’s happened because his child’s going to be born from/into all of this.

I’m sorry your thread got derailed by people trying to change the agenda.

🙄

@Dyrne

We’ve had over half the thread now of people speculating over the partner and saying how much she needs support. Far more posts completely detailing this thread than there ever were calling the partner names (which I don’t agree with either).

What about the OP? What about support for the victim of abuse that is actually sitting here on the thread? There have been some disgusting things said to him here, twisting his words and attacking him.

Well before that we had a thread disparaging and blaming her, without knowledge of (and them with knowledge of) her background.

Speculating about the partner - he's not a partner really, is he .. and speculation is not really necessary when a man is exchanging money with a woman young enough to be his granddaughter for sex acts - whom he is likely aware has been a victim of rape as a child, and whose family are not supportive. Oh and he recorded said sex act for dubious reasons too. Speculation not really the word, is it.

Both op and his ex need support. He has a tremendous betrayal, in sordid, odd circumstances, to deal with and the destruction of his fledgling family.
She has childhood rape, grooming as a young woman Inc prostitution, and now the destruction of her relationship and fledgling family.

It's likely she's going to be the resident parent (?) and her family sound crap, so that's why her mental health and recovery has concerned me as much or more than op's.

[quote Marinaloves]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
Fuck I’m glad I’m not your friend in real life if that’s your level of empathy.

He’s not leaving an unsatisfactory relationship he’s leaving an abusive relationship - nice bit of victim blaming there!![/quote]
😂 yes I've been the one victim blaming through this thread. Absolutely.

Sorry I should've added gaslighting and mental abuse to the things op has to deal with.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
Do you believe the op has been abused by his partner in this relationship

but the trouble is, it’s not as simple as “just leave”.

Well unfortunately there is no other help that can be offered to someone on an anonymous online chat forum. Apart from the OP might benifit from counselling himself which has been advised, several times.

[quote Marinaloves]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
Do you believe the op has been abused by his partner in this relationship[/quote]
Mentally, emotionally, yes.

@Marinaloves is there a deeper reason YOU are so overly emotional about the OPs situation?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
Well I glad you believe he has, because to anyone else, especially the op. It would seem that you are downplaying his part in all of this.
I don’t have any deep reasons - I just think that people take things too far on this site, when it’s obvious that it’s not helping.

[quote Marinaloves]@Dean12
Good luck
I hope you can co- parent well and find someone who doesn’t treat you badly.
I’m sorry your thread got derailed by people trying to change the agenda.
Don’t blame yourself, that’s probably the hardest part.[/quote]
Thankyou

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
I understand you feel like im to blame with all this but im not saying who's right or wrong, im just asking for advice on an advice thread. I'm not asking people to get their pitch forks and torches, i just needed help on how i should handle this situation because i would of just left her instantly once i found out everything but there is a baby involved. So please, i'm sorry you think there's something more suspicious to this but i'm not asking for speculation, just for advice on what's actually happened.

[quote Marinaloves]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
Well I glad you believe he has, because to anyone else, especially the op. It would seem that you are downplaying his part in all of this.
I don’t have any deep reasons - I just think that people take things too far on this site, when it’s obvious that it’s not helping.[/quote]
Well perhaps you should try not to assume things about other people. If I had been through some sort of trauma in my life, that compared with the OPs partner, and I was projecting then your post would have been very patronising and insulting to me. Not that you were bothered.

[quote Dean12]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
I understand you feel like im to blame with all this but im not saying who's right or wrong, im just asking for advice on an advice thread. I'm not asking people to get their pitch forks and torches, i just needed help on how i should handle this situation because i would of just left her instantly once i found out everything but there is a baby involved. So please, i'm sorry you think there's something more suspicious to this but i'm not asking for speculation, just for advice on what's actually happened.[/quote]
For god sake op, where have I said you were to blame? No one has "got their pitch forks and torches" let's not start a pity party about something didn't happen.

You have been given advice in what to do by everyone including me. There is something more suspicious going on, even if you don't want to admit that.

@gaijinetal

Anyway, it's very easy to say it's not your business or responsibility op, to help her get counselling etc.

But it's not that simple, is it. You have a pregnancy to get through, then years and years or co-parenting when she will presumably be the main, resident parent to your child.

It's difficult in the circumstances but it seems important that someone encourages her to get help, so she can recognise what had happened fully, and not get into further dysfunctional, exploitative, fucked up situations while parenting your child.

This

Totally. And if she has support now she will not continue to relive the chaos of her childhood. And there is hope she can parent her own child well.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
"You have been given advice in what to do by everyone including me. There is something more suspicious going on, even if you don't want to admit that."

Ok... You think what you like. I'm in this situation and can guarantee how it is said is how it is. I can see why you have these theories because its such a crazy situation to comprehend and i appreciate you trying to read further into it but it is just how it is and i was just wondering what to do regarding the baby. Thankyou though