Just found out my parnter cheated on me early on in the relationship for 2 years for MONEY

[DeanRose92]

Hi everyone, so this is quite a shocking story but im just lost and dont know where to go from here.

I’ve been with my partner for nearly 4 years, 2 and a half years in i found out she was weirdly close to this 70 year old man… I got quite jealous but she insisted he was just a friend and she felt sorry for him.

as time went on i eventually asked her to stop speaking to him because it felt quite uncomfortable, after many arguments and her making out i was paranoid and i even took on counselling sessions and started antidepressants as even in convinced myself i was overly paranoid and obsessing…

So eventually she promised to stop talking to him and blocked his number however a month or so later i found out she was secretly ringing him at work when i confronted her about it with the intention of ending the relationship she said she was in fear of her life and she had to speak to him or he would harm her family…. She then went on to tell me he forced him to do sexual things to him over the 6 year period they knew each other…

She has not spoke to this man for over a year now however one day recently i decided to confirm this and speak to him myself, I have now confronted this man to get the truth myself and he’s shown me all the evidence and explained to me that they had an agreement… She would perform sexual acts on him in return for him giving her money, he bought her a car and a brand new phone for example (she told me she saved for these things) and even had videos of her to prove she “willingly” did these things… She has since admitted this and admitted this went on during the first 2 years of our relationship……..

At this point i would end the relationship and move on with my life as that is the most unforgivable betrayal someone could do to someone they love.

However….. Before finding this out we have moved into our own house, i have proposed to this woman and recently found out we are expecting a baby………………. I dont know what to do…… I’m lost. She says she regrets the first two years of our relationship and the entire relationship with this man and is begging me to give her the chance to prove she just wants to be happy and she wants to move forward, She apologises to me atleast 30 times a day. I dont know what to do.

Basically, for the 6 years she had a relationship with him (2 being with me too!) She's told me she done sexual favours for him if she couldnt afford a care or vet bill for example, It was just a running agreement she would carry out these acts and he would provide money when she needed it.

I just cant even process it but this woman is all i know. She's all i feel like i have. I just cant contemplate restarting my life all over.

Tbh it just sounds grim she knew full well what she was doing, and did it for 6 years and didn't stop when she got together with you. You knew something up and she gaslighted you. You're relationship will never be the same. I'd leave and parent you're child but ask for a dna test.

Thanks for all your advice. I'll sleep on it. I really appreciate it all. I've been so lost with only my thoughts to go on.

I’d also strongly recommend you get a full STI screening done as soon as you can OP.

You can restart your life, you are young. Tell someone you trust in real life what has happened too.

Just to be clear also, There was no intercourse, she would only provide him oral and hand acts. Both of them confirmed this, i even asked him "how many times, she only said 2" and he confirmed there was none of that, he only asked for "releiving"

@Dean12

Just to be clear also, There was no intercourse, she would only provide him oral and hand acts. Both of them confirmed this, i even asked him "how many times, she only said 2" and he confirmed there was none of that, he only asked for "releiving"

mate, trust me, there was a lot more than that.

she'd lied to you before, no reason to think she isn't lying now.

you'll never be able to erase the vision of them from your mind. Believe me mate.

Consider the fact that this was going on for 4 years before she even met you, so guessing she was around 25 when this started. She may say she was forced and this much older man may say she was willing, but I would say that she was quiet possibly coerced. What I mean is that he didn’t physically make her do it, but consider the mental power a much older man with money might have over a young single 25 year old woman. Maybe some gifts or money came first and she then felt obligated to oblige his requests, then by the time she met you it had already gone on so long it was a firm arrangement and one that she found difficult to get out of. I’m not excusing her actions, I’m not saying what she did was ok at all, and in your position I would still very much feel cheated on.

I can only imagine that this much older man was more than happy to fill you in on all of the sordid details and make it sound as awful as possible. Why would he do that do you think, some kind of bro code? From a 70 year old, I don’t think so! I think he was only too happy to tell you that and stick the knife right into your heart, because you are the whole reason his perfectly good little arrangement he had going with her stopped. If you are suitably pissed off snd break up with her, he probably hopes she’ll come right back to exactly where he wants her.

Consider this also, what kind of 70 year old would be sexually interested in a young 25 year older woman? Would you be interested in someone more than half your age right now? I’m guessing not! So I think it’s safe to say that this isn’t just some nice but lonely old bloke, is he! He’s a predatory, manipulative and scheming old man, and I can’t help but wonder how many other women and possibly children he has coerced in his 70 years on earth.

I think you need a much much more honest and open conversation with your partner about how all this started, and about what really happened. I would keep a very open mind, and think about the fact that whilst this is a difficult conversation for you, it’s also a very very difficult conversation for her as I’m sure she carries a lot of guilt and a lot of shame, probably more than you will ever know.

Oh and for the love of god don’t put her about this to family and friends, that would be a terribly mean snd shitty thing to do. You can explain you have been cheated on and that’s fine, but they do not need the details other than to satisfy their own morbid curiosity. If you choose to go your separate ways, at least let her go with some shred of dignity left, after all she will be the mother of your child.

Vets bills makes it sound so much better, easier to see as desperation, doesn't it?

It wasn't though. You know that it was also for a nice new car and a phone.

Seperately, you say you think you could perhaps move past it, but never forgive her. You will be tying yourself into a horrid relationship in this case. And one that is harder and harder to leave as your child grows older. Don't do that to yourself. Leave now and bring up your child, with never knowing you together. Break ups are hard for children - if you are sure you can't forgive her, you'll be breaking up at some point in the future.

@Lillygolightly

Consider the fact that this was going on for 4 years before she even met you, so guessing she was around 25 when this started. She may say she was forced and this much older man may say she was willing, but I would say that she was quiet possibly coerced. What I mean is that he didn’t physically make her do it, but consider the mental power a much older man with money might have over a young single 25 year old woman. Maybe some gifts or money came first and she then felt obligated to oblige his requests, then by the time she met you it had already gone on so long it was a firm arrangement and one that she found difficult to get out of. I’m not excusing her actions, I’m not saying what she did was ok at all, and in your position I would still very much feel cheated on.

I can only imagine that this much older man was more than happy to fill you in on all of the sordid details and make it sound as awful as possible. Why would he do that do you think, some kind of bro code? From a 70 year old, I don’t think so! I think he was only too happy to tell you that and stick the knife right into your heart, because you are the whole reason his perfectly good little arrangement he had going with her stopped. If you are suitably pissed off snd break up with her, he probably hopes she’ll come right back to exactly where he wants her.

Consider this also, what kind of 70 year old would be sexually interested in a young 25 year older woman? Would you be interested in someone more than half your age right now? I’m guessing not! So I think it’s safe to say that this isn’t just some nice but lonely old bloke, is he! He’s a predatory, manipulative and scheming old man, and I can’t help but wonder how many other women and possibly children he has coerced in his 70 years on earth.

I think you need a much much more honest and open conversation with your partner about how all this started, and about what really happened. I would keep a very open mind, and think about the fact that whilst this is a difficult conversation for you, it’s also a very very difficult conversation for her as I’m sure she carries a lot of guilt and a lot of shame, probably more than you will ever know.

Oh and for the love of god don’t put her about this to family and friends, that would be a terribly mean snd shitty thing to do. You can explain you have been cheated on and that’s fine, but they do not need the details other than to satisfy their own morbid curiosity. If you choose to go your separate ways, at least let her go with some shred of dignity left, after all she will be the mother of your child.

I really appreciate this view. She does insist she got stuck in a situation and didnt know how to get out of it (thats obviously no excuse) but said she did develop feelings for him and cared about him. She said it was just a routine to her and she ended the sexual stuff 2 years in to our relationship but only 2 and a half years in she stopped talking to him after being caught out. I understand this is nowhere near an excuse but shes basically saying she's pregnant, we have a house and she regrets everything, she's offered to give me all her login information, track her gps and access to all her emails including work emails, she begs me to beleive she hates herfself for it and loves me.

@lillygolightly oh please. She was a 25 year old adult, not a groomed teenager. This is completely on her.

You absolutely do sound like you're trying to defend her

@Lillygolightly

Consider the fact that this was going on for 4 years before she even met you, so guessing she was around 25 when this started. She may say she was forced and this much older man may say she was willing, but I would say that she was quiet possibly coerced. What I mean is that he didn’t physically make her do it, but consider the mental power a much older man with money might have over a young single 25 year old woman. Maybe some gifts or money came first and she then felt obligated to oblige his requests, then by the time she met you it had already gone on so long it was a firm arrangement and one that she found difficult to get out of. I’m not excusing her actions, I’m not saying what she did was ok at all, and in your position I would still very much feel cheated on.

I can only imagine that this much older man was more than happy to fill you in on all of the sordid details and make it sound as awful as possible. Why would he do that do you think, some kind of bro code? From a 70 year old, I don’t think so! I think he was only too happy to tell you that and stick the knife right into your heart, because you are the whole reason his perfectly good little arrangement he had going with her stopped. If you are suitably pissed off snd break up with her, he probably hopes she’ll come right back to exactly where he wants her.

Consider this also, what kind of 70 year old would be sexually interested in a young 25 year older woman? Would you be interested in someone more than half your age right now? I’m guessing not! So I think it’s safe to say that this isn’t just some nice but lonely old bloke, is he! He’s a predatory, manipulative and scheming old man, and I can’t help but wonder how many other women and possibly children he has coerced in his 70 years on earth.

I think you need a much much more honest and open conversation with your partner about how all this started, and about what really happened. I would keep a very open mind, and think about the fact that whilst this is a difficult conversation for you, it’s also a very very difficult conversation for her as I’m sure she carries a lot of guilt and a lot of shame, probably more than you will ever know.

Oh and for the love of god don’t put her about this to family and friends, that would be a terribly mean snd shitty thing to do. You can explain you have been cheated on and that’s fine, but they do not need the details other than to satisfy their own morbid curiosity. If you choose to go your separate ways, at least let her go with some shred of dignity left, after all she will be the mother of your child.

She had him stuck on medication and you think that he should preserve her reputation? What a load on bollocks.

OP, PLEASE put yourself first and spend some time with your family.

Her pregnancy is not an excuse for you to not take some time and space. Women have FOR CENTURIES, been pregnant and given birth without men around looking after them. We are more than capable of looking after ourselves.

at least let her go with some shred of dignity left, after all she will be the mother of your

I think the OP being able to speak freely, sort out the life their partner destroyed by performing sex acts for money, and get support from friends is probably more important than her keeping her dignity tbh.

When did you find out she is pregnant? Did she only told you she's pregnant since you found out about the cheating?

Have you seen any proof?

@Lillygolightly I entirely agree the OP's partner may have been coerced. She needs help. However the priority here is for the OP to protect himself from her. He will need support to do so. Would your advice be the same if the OP was a woman?

@ShalomToYouJackie

When did you find out she is pregnant? Did she only told you she's pregnant since you found out about the cheating?

Have you seen any proof?

She's done a few pregnancy tests infront of me yes and we found out on christmas day. Just before finding out the truth about the first 2 years of our "relationship"

She wasn't living with him, she wasn't scared of him. She was just being paid by him for sex acts and considered him a friend of sorts.

The way you get out of that situation, is by, well, just not performing the sex acts to get nice new things.

My arse was she stuck in that situation. She created the bloody situation, by consenting to the suggestion willingly and then continued it willingly. I have successfully avoided performing sex acts for money my entire life - by telling the people who have suggested it to fuck right off.

@Herja

She wasn't living with him, she wasn't scared of him. She was just being paid by him for sex acts and considered him a friend of sorts.

The way you get out of that situation, is by, well, just not performing the sex acts to get nice new things.

My arse was she stuck in that situation. She created the bloody situation, by consenting to the suggestion willingly and then continued it willingly. I have successfully avoided performing sex acts for money my entire life - by telling the people who have suggested it to fuck right off.

That's my thoughts too. Thankyou

The cheating is awful but the gaslighting is unforgivable. Yes she’s sorry she got caught but she wasn’t sorry for 2 years of it. Right now she probably believes she will change. But when it all calms down and she’s stopped trying to prove herself she will do something like this again.
She lied and lied and lied. She won’t change.

End the relationship. And ask for a DNA test. With that kind of behaviour, if true, there is no guarantee the child is yours.

Name change OP?

I'm curious, what made you contact the man she had the arrangement with now?
What "proof" did he have to show you?