Just found out my parnter cheated on me early on in the relationship for 2 years for MONEY

[DeanRose92]

Hi everyone, so this is quite a shocking story but im just lost and dont know where to go from here.

I’ve been with my partner for nearly 4 years, 2 and a half years in i found out she was weirdly close to this 70 year old man… I got quite jealous but she insisted he was just a friend and she felt sorry for him.

as time went on i eventually asked her to stop speaking to him because it felt quite uncomfortable, after many arguments and her making out i was paranoid and i even took on counselling sessions and started antidepressants as even in convinced myself i was overly paranoid and obsessing…

So eventually she promised to stop talking to him and blocked his number however a month or so later i found out she was secretly ringing him at work when i confronted her about it with the intention of ending the relationship she said she was in fear of her life and she had to speak to him or he would harm her family…. She then went on to tell me he forced him to do sexual things to him over the 6 year period they knew each other…

She has not spoke to this man for over a year now however one day recently i decided to confirm this and speak to him myself, I have now confronted this man to get the truth myself and he’s shown me all the evidence and explained to me that they had an agreement… She would perform sexual acts on him in return for him giving her money, he bought her a car and a brand new phone for example (she told me she saved for these things) and even had videos of her to prove she “willingly” did these things… She has since admitted this and admitted this went on during the first 2 years of our relationship……..

At this point i would end the relationship and move on with my life as that is the most unforgivable betrayal someone could do to someone they love.

However….. Before finding this out we have moved into our own house, i have proposed to this woman and recently found out we are expecting a baby………………. I dont know what to do…… I’m lost. She says she regrets the first two years of our relationship and the entire relationship with this man and is begging me to give her the chance to prove she just wants to be happy and she wants to move forward, She apologises to me atleast 30 times a day. I dont know what to do.

@Dean12 also, how can anyone give you advice when you refuse to acknowledge there might be more to this situation? Unless you just wanted everyone to tell you how despicable and disgusting your partner is?

Which plenty of people did, but as I said there are thousands of people on mn, you will get a wide range of opinions, and of course people speculate. People do that on every single thread on MN regardless of the OPs sex.

[quote Iminaglasscaseofemotion]@Dean12 also, how can anyone give you advice when you refuse to acknowledge there might be more to this situation? Unless you just wanted everyone to tell you how despicable and disgusting your partner is?[/quote]
Please, you're trying so hard to just cause trouble and drama. It's not needed at all. I'm sorry you think there's more to the situation. I've spoke to both parties, I've seen proof from both, i've seen more than enough evidence. I was just after advice.

To update the situation, I'm currently in contact with her and we're planning to go to a counselling session together at some point to at least end this on an understanding and mutually understood agreement on why this happened, why we're going in the direction we're going and how to deal with coparenting.

I haven't got time to post much.....at work.

Dean, I work in a therapeutic role with teenagers in care who have had childhood trauma much like your GFs experiences. They often try to recreate the chaotic experiences of their childhood, with the aim of "taking back the control" but it usually involves further risk taking where they themselves continue to be victim to exploitation.

Some develop personality disorders and themselves display sociopathic tendencies towards others.

They rarely go on to have either a good understanding of their past, themselves or their present situations.

They are rarely their own best advocate and she too will have a split in her understanding of that situation. This may account for her initially saying it was him exploiting her, but later when feeling under attack saying "but I wanted to" neither position is probably entirely correct!

Yes, because thinking someone who has been raped as a child and taken advantage of by adults for a large chunk of her life, is just theories and speculation. I don't have "theories" because it's a crazy situation. I actually think situations similar to this are more common than you think. I, and othe posters have taken what you have told us and given you reasons why we think this could have led to the situation, thats all.
With regards to the baby, either stay with her, get help and parent your child, or leave, get help, encourage her to get help since she will be caring for your child, and support the baby. Not much more advice that can be given.

Good luck going forward. Hopefully the counselling will help for both of you. Good call.

@MiniTheMinx

I haven't got time to post much.....at work.

Dean, I work in a therapeutic role with teenagers in care who have had childhood trauma much like your GFs experiences. They often try to recreate the chaotic experiences of their childhood, with the aim of "taking back the control" but it usually involves further risk taking where they themselves continue to be victim to exploitation.

Some develop personality disorders and themselves display sociopathic tendencies towards others.

They rarely go on to have either a good understanding of their past, themselves or their present situations.

They are rarely their own best advocate and she too will have a split in her understanding of that situation. This may account for her initially saying it was him exploiting her, but later when feeling under attack saying "but I wanted to" neither position is probably entirely correct!

I appreciate that look and that's definitely something out of my depth but i've seen the messages asking for money all the time, ive spoke to coworkers who said she was quite forward when asking for money and this man was quite uncomfortable at times, they both on seperate occaisons after not talking to each other have said that he even tried to stop the situation multiple times when she offered and towards the end it stopped all together because he simply didnt want her to and became more of a friendship towards the last 4-5 months.

@MiniTheMinx

Good luck going forward. Hopefully the counselling will help for both of you. Good call.

Thankyou, appreciate it x

Please, you're trying so hard to just cause trouble and drama. It's not needed at all. I'm sorry you think there's more to the situation. I've spoke to both parties, I've seen proof from both, i've seen more than enough evidence. I was just after advice.

Ok then, you have spoken to them both and you know exactly what went on. You are trying sk hard to minimise what went on. I'm not sure why.

he even tried to stop the situation multiple times when she offered and towards the end it stopped all together because he simply didnt want her to and became more of a friendship towards the last 4-5 months.

Willing to accept it initially though. Dear god.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
Just stop! It’s actually getting to the point of harassing the man now.
@MiniTheMinx
managed to say it in a kind empathetic way.

He’s heard it all loud and clear. Bloody hell.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Please, you're trying so hard to just cause trouble and drama. It's not needed at all. I'm sorry you think there's more to the situation. I've spoke to both parties, I've seen proof from both, i've seen more than enough evidence. I was just after advice.

Ok then, you have spoken to them both and you know exactly what went on. You are trying sk hard to minimise what went on. I'm not sure why.

he even tried to stop the situation multiple times when she offered and towards the end it stopped all together because he simply didnt want her to and became more of a friendship towards the last 4-5 months.

Willing to accept it initially though. Dear god.

Ok, i dont understand what you're trying to achieve here. I spent 2 years trying to figure out what really went on. Ive seen every bit of proof how it happened, both sides, texts, pictures, emails, phone calls, bills, voice recordings, videos etc, i've spoke to everyone involved including friends of friends and colleagues. Everyones fully aware of what happened and what went on. I'm sorry you you're so hellbent on trying to make it into something else from pure speculation. I just asked for advice, not to turn it into a motion picture. You've probably heard this before but you're quite a rude person.

I'm arranging counselling together and apart to see how we can step in the right direction for the child.

Thankyou all for your help and advice, it's truly helped me from being completely lost and empty.

I appreciate you all. Thanks

And you are quite a dismissive person, only interested in what you've been through. Anyway, I hope everyone involved gets the help they need .

[quote Marinaloves]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
Just stop! It’s actually getting to the point of harassing the man now.
@MiniTheMinx
managed to say it in a kind empathetic way.

He’s heard it all loud and clear. Bloody hell.[/quote]
Heard it, just not interested in taking it on board.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

And you are quite a dismissive person, only interested in what you've been through. Anyway, I hope everyone involved gets the help they need .

I wish you knew even 10% of what you were talking about. The last thing ive been throughout the years of this is dismissive. But thanks for your advice

Ok

OP this sounds absolutely dreadful. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I have not much to add to the (mostly) helpful advice you've already been given. But just want to add that a family member of mine cheated on her absolutely lovely partner for the best part of 6 months (bad enough but nothing compared to what yours has done), and she repeatedly made him feel that he was "crazy" for speculating and wondering about her suspicious behaviour. He was convinced there was something not right because multiple things just didn't add up. He gave her ample opportunity to admit it and she lied time and time again, until he eventually caught the two of them together. He rang me in tears when it all came out, saying the worst part of all was that she had repeatedly made him feel like he'd done something wrong and was losing his mind, he was "paranoid" etc.
Disgusting behaviour.
I do hope you find a resolution going forwards

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Yes, because thinking someone who has been raped as a child and taken advantage of by adults for a large chunk of her life, is just theories and speculation. I don't have "theories" because it's a crazy situation. I actually think situations similar to this are more common than you think. I, and othe posters have taken what you have told us and given you reasons why we think this could have led to the situation, thats all. With regards to the baby, either stay with her, get help and parent your child, or leave, get help, encourage her to get help since she will be caring for your child, and support the baby. Not much more advice that can be given.

Agreed

This is the most painful part I think, the fact it went on so long and she made me think I was insane

@Dean12 - there are many reasons why people engage in abusive behaviour- and their stories are often heartbreaking. But you can feel pity for the child without accepting their behaviour as an adult.
I think what you must focus on is how you were treated by your partner - because it sounds horrific. To be lied to and gaslighted - to the point where you were medicated - all so that she could continue to deceive you - is utterly abusive. It means you will never fully trust her, and you may well experience trust issues in future relationships as a consequence of this trauma.
So regardless of explanations - she has been very cruel to you - and for that you deserve sympathy.
I don't know what suspicions @Iminaglasscaseofemotion has - but what ever they are - you are the victim in this.

But you can resolve to be a good father and offer your child all the emotional and financial support that you are able to. In time - and with the help of counselling, you might develop a functional relationship with your child's mother. Whatever her deamons - she also has to find a more authentic life path.
Good luck OP.

Thank you. I really appreciate your words of advice. It truly means alot. Thank you.

@Dean12

This is the most painful part I think, the fact it went on so long and she made me think I was insane

Yes. It's emotionally abusive. And very wrong. No wonder you feel the way you do.

I don't know what suspicions @Iminaglasscaseofemotion has - but what ever they are - you are the victim in this.

100% agreed. Most of us have had prior shitty life experiences. It doesn't excuse being emotionally abusive to a decent person.

@LouJ85

I don't know what suspicions @Iminaglasscaseofemotion has - but what ever they are - you are the victim in this.

100% agreed. Most of us have had prior shitty life experiences. It doesn't excuse being emotionally abusive to a decent person.

Are you just following me to different threads now?