Just found out my parnter cheated on me early on in the relationship for 2 years for MONEY

[DeanRose92]

Hi everyone, so this is quite a shocking story but im just lost and dont know where to go from here.

I’ve been with my partner for nearly 4 years, 2 and a half years in i found out she was weirdly close to this 70 year old man… I got quite jealous but she insisted he was just a friend and she felt sorry for him.

as time went on i eventually asked her to stop speaking to him because it felt quite uncomfortable, after many arguments and her making out i was paranoid and i even took on counselling sessions and started antidepressants as even in convinced myself i was overly paranoid and obsessing…

So eventually she promised to stop talking to him and blocked his number however a month or so later i found out she was secretly ringing him at work when i confronted her about it with the intention of ending the relationship she said she was in fear of her life and she had to speak to him or he would harm her family…. She then went on to tell me he forced him to do sexual things to him over the 6 year period they knew each other…

She has not spoke to this man for over a year now however one day recently i decided to confirm this and speak to him myself, I have now confronted this man to get the truth myself and he’s shown me all the evidence and explained to me that they had an agreement… She would perform sexual acts on him in return for him giving her money, he bought her a car and a brand new phone for example (she told me she saved for these things) and even had videos of her to prove she “willingly” did these things… She has since admitted this and admitted this went on during the first 2 years of our relationship……..

At this point i would end the relationship and move on with my life as that is the most unforgivable betrayal someone could do to someone they love.

However….. Before finding this out we have moved into our own house, i have proposed to this woman and recently found out we are expecting a baby………………. I dont know what to do…… I’m lost. She says she regrets the first two years of our relationship and the entire relationship with this man and is begging me to give her the chance to prove she just wants to be happy and she wants to move forward, She apologises to me atleast 30 times a day. I dont know what to do.

@Dean12

I don't think you understand, she's admitted everything. She's openly said she wants to be honest now and insists it was not forced at all. She said it was literally just about money and regrets what happened. Regardless of the presumptions it really is just how its said

And I don't think you understand how grooming and coercion works, especially with someone who has been through things your partner has. It's much more likely its not as simple as she just wanted the money.

As much as I hate to say this because I wish it was something more like what you're making up

What an odd thing to say. You wish it was that he had been coercing and blackmailing her into performing sexual favours for him?

If this story was of a woman. No one would be trying to understand the reasons behind why the man may have treat her the way he did.
At least, they wouldn't be posting about it on here. They'd be offering support with countless numbers of LTB being mentioned.

If you have a shitty life and treat people like shit because of it - it still makes you a shitty person.
There is no excuse to treat people so badly, and she has treat him very badly!

He went on medication and got therapy for christ sake and she let him believe it was an issue with him, when she knew it wasn't!

I agree with Iminaglasscaseofemotion

It’s not just as simple as ‘it was just for the money’. The OP partners grasp on boundaries has been totally messed up because of what happened to her as a child.

However OP doesn’t have to stay with her. He’s had a lot of advice to leave and I think he should too. But I also have sympathy for his partner too. She’s probably all ways been in self destruct mode since she was raped

If this story was of a woman. No one would be trying to understand the reasons behind why the man may have treat her the way he did.

See that's where I think you are wrong.

Why does being the victim of abuse mean it’s ok to abuse someone else?

The op wants advice on what to do, unfortunately you can’t fix her, you can’t help her, you can’t stop the abuse that she inflicted on you.
The only thing you can do is leave for the sake of your sanity and hope that she gets the help she needs.

@Marinaloves

Why does being the victim of abuse mean it’s ok to abuse someone else?

The op wants advice on what to do, unfortunately you can’t fix her, you can’t help her, you can’t stop the abuse that she inflicted on you.
The only thing you can do is leave for the sake of your sanity and hope that she gets the help she needs.

Being the victim of abuse doesn’t allow you to go on to abuse others.

But some posters can see it’s not just as black and white as - she’s a disgusting prostitute.

I think they should split and feel sorry for them both.

@Emptytank
From reading the op. I don’t even think he thinks his girlfriend is a disgusting prostitute. But he’s rightly shocked, and trying to process how someone who was supposed to love him drove him to have to take medication.
Right now, the discussion about why she did it is pretty fucking irrelevant.

How are you today op x

[quote Marinaloves]@Emptytank
From reading the op. I don’t even think he thinks his girlfriend is a disgusting prostitute. But he’s rightly shocked, and trying to process how someone who was supposed to love him drove him to have to take medication.
Right now, the discussion about why she did it is pretty fucking irrelevant.[/quote]
It was other posters calling her a disgusting prostitute.

And it’s absolutely relevant because it will have an impact on how he processes the information. Being sexually abused as a child is not an excuse to do what she did BUT it’s the reason why she is fucked up and did it.

Understanding the reason behind it will help OP process this easier and be able to move on and rebuild his life rather than just stewing on ‘she’s evil and disgusting’

Basically an older man preyed on a vulnerable young women. Became a trusted confident and provider of money when she was desperate and all she had to do was offer “relief”. She will of been groomed to do that weather she even sees it like that her self yet. Old men don’t just befriend young girls for nothing it will of been months/years building upto the first sexual interaction that’s how she could see him as a friend.

None of that is the ops issue to deal with however but being groomed abs manipulated does not make her a nasty person. It can take years and years for women and men to admit to themselves it was grooming or rape. How many times have we seen posts where somethings triggered a memory where actually no they didn’t want to do that really and where pushed into, how many people in relationships even realise their own partner has raped them.

It’s not as clear cut as she bad she good. She’s messed up big time but it doesn’t define her forever as a person.

If op leaves that’s his right if he stays his going to have to think deeper into it than she did want to do it really and realise she was highly likely groomed/conditioned into that type of thing and is now out the other side.

If this story was of a woman. No one would be trying to understand the reasons behind why the man may have treat her the way he did.
At least, they wouldn't be posting about it on here.

If I knew a young man who was a victim had been of rape as a child and who had neglectful/exploitative parents; been in a six year "relationship" with a woman old enough to be his grandmother since he was 25 ... And had had sexual contact with her in exchange for goods, I would similarly be pointing out that the whole thing stunk to high heaven of dysfunction & utterly I appropriate, exploitative behaviour on the part of the older woman.

Then to find out the older woman has recorded the sexual favours, without the young man's awareness or permission, in case she was accused of abuse or similar (!!) Like wtaf . Why would she imagine/predict such a thing happening .. if she didn't know there was something extremely untoward about the situation, or suspect that young man might accuse her (why?), or unless she's been accused before .. hmm

However how likely is that scenario to happen?!

Unlikely in the extreme. For the sane reasons that we have a massive sex industry for men and virtually nothing equivalent for women. For the same reason the vast majorityry of sex crimes against both adults and children are committed by men.

There is simply no point in acting as though things are the same for men and women - especially in terms of sexual exploitation, because they have never been and they are not.

Why does being the victim of abuse mean it’s ok to abuse someone else?

Sorry, who said it was? I don't thinkna single person has. People have gave a but more insight into why she perhaps doesn't have the ability to see what she was doing, not that it was OK to abuse someone else.

It's also not "completely fucking irrelevant" at all, or should we all just mindlessly scream dirty abusive prostitute about what is likely a pretty vulnerable woman who has been taken advantage of?
We can all agree that the OP should leave, and his partners problems are not his responsibility, what I won't agree on os that we just dismiss this wan and what she has been through, and call her all sorts of names because the OP clas she says she just "did it for the money". I don't believe that, and I have just as much right to express that as anyone else on this thread.

@Alwaysandforeverhere

Basically an older man preyed on a vulnerable young women. Became a trusted confident and provider of money when she was desperate and all she had to do was offer “relief”. She will of been groomed to do that weather she even sees it like that her self yet. Old men don’t just befriend young girls for nothing it will of been months/years building upto the first sexual interaction that’s how she could see him as a friend.

None of that is the ops issue to deal with however but being groomed abs manipulated does not make her a nasty person. It can take years and years for women and men to admit to themselves it was grooming or rape. How many times have we seen posts where somethings triggered a memory where actually no they didn’t want to do that really and where pushed into, how many people in relationships even realise their own partner has raped them.

It’s not as clear cut as she bad she good. She’s messed up big time but it doesn’t define her forever as a person.

If op leaves that’s his right if he stays his going to have to think deeper into it than she did want to do it really and realise she was highly likely groomed/conditioned into that type of thing and is now out the other side.

This.

Op can choose to end the relationship and they is wholly understandable, but I would never believe she's acted the way she has with the older man without six years of grooming and manipulation, if they're such good friends (!) he must know she was raped as a child (?) and that her parents are useless (and that she's struggled financially). What a good friend he is that his financial help required a blow job and a hand from her. Such a supportive, close, kind friend ; so sympathetic to her, couldn't have extended a loan or similar, no of course not.

*that is

He’s actually asked people on here to stop speculating
So why continue- why not support him and not make him feel even more guilty for being abused by someone “because they were abused worse”

He doesn’t want the insight at the moment, he hasn’t asked for insight. Why are you forcing it on him, and projecting in a massive way.

It’s fucking irrelevant what turned her into a gaslighting abuser of her partner

@Marinaloves

He’s actually asked people on here to stop speculating So why continue- why not support him and not make him feel even more guilty for being abused by someone “because they were abused worse”

He doesn’t want the insight at the moment, he hasn’t asked for insight. Why are you forcing it on him, and projecting in a massive way.

It’s fucking irrelevant what turned her into a gaslighting abuser of her partner

Because the OP can start a thread, but he can't dictate people's opinions, or control the answers he gets on the thread.

Not only was she cheating on you - it’s disgusting. If she was doing this it’s likely she has cheated on you with other people during your relationship. Get a DNA test to make sure the baby is yours.

As much as I hate to say this because I wish it was something more like what you're making up

We're not making anything up.

Your (ex) partner has severe childhood sexual trauma. She has fairly useless parents. She was extremely vulnerable.

She's been groomed by a man old enough to be her grandmother for six years.

He knew what he was doing, if they're close long-term friends he must have done idea of her background and family circumstances.

If someone was truly a kind, supportive, good hearted "friend", having an idea of the above, would they set up or at the very very least go along with the much younger person performing sex acts on them in exchange for money for expensive necessities like a mobile or own transport??

They'd never do that in a month of Sundays : they'd encourage them to seek counselling, offer to guarantor a loan for the car, or loan them the money (as long as they didn't think they'd renege). But even they thought they were too unreliable to do that, they wouldn't get involved in essentially making them/letting them prostitute themselves for money. No decent person would ever do that.

Then there's the recording of the sex acts as insurance against any comeback - extremely suspicious imo.

That is not the behaviour of any truly decent or kind "friend". He has a young woman, young enough to be his grandchild, whom he probably knew had been through an extreme sexual trauma as a child; suck his dick for money .. and he recorded it.

He was never her fkg friend. She was always a mark.

She'll probably not even see that clearly herself for years

She needs counselling and support, whatever happens.

*grandfather

Has this guy been married through any of the six years, incidentally?
Does he gave kids, grandkids?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
Would you say that to a woman who has been abused and cheated by her partner
Pretty disgusting
Whatever happened to you in your life i hope you’re getting professional help for it, rather than massively projecting onto hurt peoples threads. Maybe check yourself every now and again. I know it’s easy to get carried away on here. But fml you and several others have taken it too far now.

He doesn’t want the insight at the moment, he hasn’t asked for insight. Why are you forcing it on him, and projecting in a massive way

Eh?

Anyway, it's very easy to say it's not your business or responsibility op, to help her get counselling etc.

But it's not that simple, is it. You have a pregnancy to get through, then years and years or co-parenting when she will presumably be the main, resident parent to your child.

It's difficult in the circumstances but it seems important that someone encourages her to get help, so she can recognise what had happened fully, and not get into further dysfunctional, exploitative, fucked up situations while parenting your child.

[quote Marinaloves]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
Would you say that to a woman who has been abused and cheated by her partner
Pretty disgusting
Whatever happened to you in your life i hope you’re getting professional help for it, rather than massively projecting onto hurt peoples threads. Maybe check yourself every now and again. I know it’s easy to get carried away on here. But fml you and several others have taken it too far now.[/quote]
Marina I think they only one that’s projecting here is you. Maybe you need to go and have a cup of tea and calm down a bit