Just found out my parnter cheated on me early on in the relationship for 2 years for MONEY

[DeanRose92]

Hi everyone, so this is quite a shocking story but im just lost and dont know where to go from here.

I’ve been with my partner for nearly 4 years, 2 and a half years in i found out she was weirdly close to this 70 year old man… I got quite jealous but she insisted he was just a friend and she felt sorry for him.

as time went on i eventually asked her to stop speaking to him because it felt quite uncomfortable, after many arguments and her making out i was paranoid and i even took on counselling sessions and started antidepressants as even in convinced myself i was overly paranoid and obsessing…

So eventually she promised to stop talking to him and blocked his number however a month or so later i found out she was secretly ringing him at work when i confronted her about it with the intention of ending the relationship she said she was in fear of her life and she had to speak to him or he would harm her family…. She then went on to tell me he forced him to do sexual things to him over the 6 year period they knew each other…

She has not spoke to this man for over a year now however one day recently i decided to confirm this and speak to him myself, I have now confronted this man to get the truth myself and he’s shown me all the evidence and explained to me that they had an agreement… She would perform sexual acts on him in return for him giving her money, he bought her a car and a brand new phone for example (she told me she saved for these things) and even had videos of her to prove she “willingly” did these things… She has since admitted this and admitted this went on during the first 2 years of our relationship……..

At this point i would end the relationship and move on with my life as that is the most unforgivable betrayal someone could do to someone they love.

However….. Before finding this out we have moved into our own house, i have proposed to this woman and recently found out we are expecting a baby………………. I dont know what to do…… I’m lost. She says she regrets the first two years of our relationship and the entire relationship with this man and is begging me to give her the chance to prove she just wants to be happy and she wants to move forward, She apologises to me atleast 30 times a day. I dont know what to do.

I do understand that but at the same time, She had 2 years to think "hang on, this is a good guy, im cheating on him." i feel like there's not really an excuse to do that to another person regardless of whats happened to themselves

No it's not an excuse to do that to someone, but it's likely the reason she didn't have the ability to see it like that or to put a stop to it. Sexual assault, rape and abuse have a massive impact on mental health and a person's capability to function normally in relationships in the future.

She's a disgrace. She cheated on you for money for 2 years, had no plans to ever tell you and then lied about it saying she was forced. You need to get an STI test. I wouldn't be staying with her as you will never trust her. Saying sorry is easy, of course she can repeat it multiple times, it's a word. It's meaningless. Actions show a persons character and hers have not painted her in a good light.
She wasn't forced or manipulated, she wasn't a child. She wanted easy money and to not have to pay for things herself, so she got it from an older man.
OP you need to put yourself first, you can be there for her whilst she's pregnant without being in a relationship. You also should consider counselling, it might help to talk it through. But only you can make the decision as to whether or not you can completely forgive her and trust her again.
I'm really sorry you're going through this

@Herja

I was raped at 15 and attacked at 16. Grew up with addict parents and periods of neglect and abuse.

Didn't make me having an affair acceptable. Despite the affair being with someone dangerous, abusive, manipulative and coersive and me being rather vulnerible.

Just as this woman's background doesn't make her cheating on the OP for money ok either. People with shitty backgrounds can go on to do crap things themselves; the background does not negate their own actions.

Who said it was acceptable? It all depends on a person's mentality how they cope with awful situations that happen to them. Some people aren't capable of helping thselves, some people go into self distruct mode and can't help but hurt people around them, not because they don't care, but because they actually don't have the ability to reason things out in their own head.

I absolutely would not trust her. She’s upset now because she got caught. Where was the upset and determination to improve before?

When you first brought it up she denied it and gaslit you to the extent that you actually started taking medication for your “paranoia”. She only actually admitted it and showed remorse once there was evidence laid out in front of her and she couldn’t lie her way out of it any more.

She’s not remorseful, OP, she’s just sorry she got caught. If you hadn’t approached the other man she would have been quite happy letting you believe you had a serious mental health issue.

Remember that the next time she emotionally manipulates you by putting all the emphasis on how upset she is about all this.

You can be civil, point her in the direction of a good therapist and recommend she gets support for her issues ; and establish a good co-parenting relationship. You do not have to stay in a relationship with someone who has hurt you this deeply.

Love isn’t enough. It’s not a magic wand that erases and justifies all actions.

Also you found out about most of this 2 years ago. You keep saying how unfair it is and that you didn't deserve it (which you don't) but why on earth did you stay with her for another 2 years, and when she gets pregnant drag it all back up again?

@Dean12

She says she loves me, she's been in bits the last 3 weeks since i found out and begs be to give her a chance. She's offered every bit of transparency for the rest of our lives and says she only wants me in life. She apologises 20-30 times a day and is constantly hugging me in tears saying she feels awful. She says she just wants us to be happy and become a family whicjh tears me up inside hearing.

i just dont know what to do.

I find this quite disturbing. Jist end the relationship so you can both het over it and move on. If nothing else, it's not healthy for a pregnant wam to be in this emotional state for a prolonged period of time. Whh keep torturing each other?

She wasn't forced or manipulated,

You do realise that a person doesn't have to be a child to be forced or manipulated into things?

Thank you for answering my question. I'm sorry, its text book stuff.

She needs to see a therapist. Yes, she has hurt you, but she is destructive because she trusts no one, and she doesn't feel worthy of you. Its not a case of this woman setting out to hurt you, she just doesn't know how to form healthy attachments.

Its clear from your posts that you do love her. Can you ever forgive her?

Its no use keep falling back on thinking how much you have done for her, you will have acted just as any healthy ordinary person behaves when they love someone. She isn't capable of this.

For now, if you want a mother capable of carrying and caring for your child it might be best to just get through the next few months. But she needs help to explore her past and heal, thats before you can even start to address the hurt you feel. Its a long haul.

If you can't forgive, you need to leave for both your sakes. She doesn't deserve punishment. This crying and begging every day multiple times implies some level of cruelty from you, if you allow this to continue.

@MiniTheMinx

Thank you for answering my question. I'm sorry, its text book stuff.

She needs to see a therapist. Yes, she has hurt you, but she is destructive because she trusts no one, and she doesn't feel worthy of you. Its not a case of this woman setting out to hurt you, she just doesn't know how to form healthy attachments.

Its clear from your posts that you do love her. Can you ever forgive her?

Its no use keep falling back on thinking how much you have done for her, you will have acted just as any healthy ordinary person behaves when they love someone. She isn't capable of this.

For now, if you want a mother capable of carrying and caring for your child it might be best to just get through the next few months. But she needs help to explore her past and heal, thats before you can even start to address the hurt you feel. Its a long haul.

If you can't forgive, you need to leave for both your sakes. She doesn't deserve punishment. This crying and begging every day multiple times implies some level of cruelty from you, if you allow this to continue.

The only reason i havent left yet is because im torn. I just cant bare to leave a vunerable woman in this state but that the same time i feel a coldness i've never felt towards her. She's apologising because she hopes she can get another chance and i've told her im just taking it one day at a time because i cant even begin to process where to go or the right way to go around this, i can leave her and be done with it but what if she is serious about regretting everything and making up for it from here onwards? what if she truly is ashamed and sorry and wishes she could take it back if she could? I just dont know what to do, I dont mean to be cruel but im just stuck, i need to process this before making a huge decision and im struggling to work out the best thing to try here

Hmm, honestly it sounds like you are rather enjoying having her begging for forgiveness, giving you control over her whole life and crying everyday.
If you need time process, then separate until you decide if you can carry on.
What good is hanging around and having this emotional rollercoaster ride every single day. How is that helping?

I doubt very much if your partner thinks she has cheated on you; no doubt she considered that she had a contractual arrangement with the old guy which had no bearing on your relationship.

Obviously if you cannot put it behind you and are constantly going to be thinking about it, your relationship has no future.

You have to make up your own mind if you can come to terms with it - and not bring it up if you have a row - or if it will always eat away at you.

From what you say, she is very upset.

High levels of stress and anxiety caused by this difficult situation are not good for your/her developing baby. You do need to come to a quick resolution for everyone's sake here rather than prolong things.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Hmm, honestly it sounds like you are rather enjoying having her begging for forgiveness, giving you control over her whole life and crying everyday. If you need time process, then separate until you decide if you can carry on. What good is hanging around and having this emotional rollercoaster ride every single day. How is that helping?

The last thing im doing is enjoying this right now. Far from it! I'll be separating from her. The only reason i've stayed in the house for 3 weeks is because i just had no idea what to do, I had no idea what to do. I'm sorry you feel like i was enjoying this.

Jesus.

@slidingdrawers

High levels of stress and anxiety caused by this difficult situation are not good for your/her developing baby. You do need to come to a quick resolution for everyone's sake here rather than prolong things.

You're right, i need to come to a close quickly because if i leave it'll cause more stress but if i take any longer to figure out what to do it'll be causing the same amount of stress to the baby. I think i'll be leaving. I'll have that conversation with her when i get home from work.

I really feel for both of you. So young and this should be a happy time for you.

Is she still the same person?

Bare with me, ill try to explain.....

Who was she before you knew this 'thing'
she was the person you knew,
and she was doing this 'thing'
But you didn't know what she was doing.
She was just her.

She's still just herself, the same person.
But you don't see her as being the same person......but she is. She hasn't changed. Only your perspective has changed.

Its all about whether you can forgive. And then having forgiven, can you live with yourself. Will your pride allow you to live with this new knowledge about her, but also this new knowledge about yourself. Because you might feel you have lost pride in yourself too.

I think you both need help to move forward.

The lies though. Has she ever lied about anything else? That would be the decider for me.

I hope you find a way forward, whatever is best for all of you.

Thankyou for all your help everyone. Sorry to burden you all with this but i honestly had no idea if i was just unreasonable not wanting to stay because of the baby or if i was in the right and needed to tell myself that and just do it.

Thankyou everyone.

I got totally confused by your name changing during the thread OP

I don't understand at all how when you went round there this 70 year old man showed you videos of him having oral sex with your partner - did you leave at that point?

@LaurieFairyCake

I got totally confused by your name changing during the thread OP

I don't understand at all how when you went round there this 70 year old man showed you videos of him having oral sex with your partner - did you leave at that point?

No i wanted to get all the answers and proof i could get. Even if it meant seeing it for myself.

Ok, before you have that conversation, does she have anyone who can support her when you leave?

A bit of embarrassment that you misjudged a person is a small price to pay for freedom. Be free and have a happy life. You can still be a positive influence as a father (if child is yours).

@MiniTheMinx

Ok, before you have that conversation, does she have anyone who can support her when you leave?

Well this is the thing, not really. This is why im struggling, I hate the idea of leaving a pregnant woman alone like this... It doesnt feel right.

@willloman

A bit of embarrassment that you misjudged a person is a small price to pay for freedom. Be free and have a happy life. You can still be a positive influence as a father (if child is yours).

Thankyou for this, it makes alot of sense

It probably feels awful. But you deserve to be happy, and your happiness is no less important than hers.

You are not responsible for her once you've made your decision. I'm asking if she has support because if the child is yours you'll obviously want a healthy child and a healthy mother and a good basis for a co-parenting relationship.

I'm just concerned about the constant crying and begging. It sounds as though she's really struggling.

You know, no young woman wants to suck an old man's knob. Only one who probably has suffered a fairly significant early trauma. She needs support. She sounds very vulnerable from your description. Are you sure there isn't at least one friend or someone she can talk to.

Anyway, I'm off. Best of luck with it all.

It strikes me that you will be unable to put this behind you which makes for an unhappy relationship, therefore it might be best for you to end it. You can still be friendly, give her support and obviously support your child - you have no reason to suppose it is not your child but there is always a dna test if you are doubtful.

Do remember, in her eyes she was not a cheat. She had a purely business relationship with somebody - it's not like she paid him for sex and enjoyed it which would be cheating.