Just found out my parnter cheated on me early on in the relationship for 2 years for MONEY

[DeanRose92]

Hi everyone, so this is quite a shocking story but im just lost and dont know where to go from here.

I’ve been with my partner for nearly 4 years, 2 and a half years in i found out she was weirdly close to this 70 year old man… I got quite jealous but she insisted he was just a friend and she felt sorry for him.

as time went on i eventually asked her to stop speaking to him because it felt quite uncomfortable, after many arguments and her making out i was paranoid and i even took on counselling sessions and started antidepressants as even in convinced myself i was overly paranoid and obsessing…

So eventually she promised to stop talking to him and blocked his number however a month or so later i found out she was secretly ringing him at work when i confronted her about it with the intention of ending the relationship she said she was in fear of her life and she had to speak to him or he would harm her family…. She then went on to tell me he forced him to do sexual things to him over the 6 year period they knew each other…

She has not spoke to this man for over a year now however one day recently i decided to confirm this and speak to him myself, I have now confronted this man to get the truth myself and he’s shown me all the evidence and explained to me that they had an agreement… She would perform sexual acts on him in return for him giving her money, he bought her a car and a brand new phone for example (she told me she saved for these things) and even had videos of her to prove she “willingly” did these things… She has since admitted this and admitted this went on during the first 2 years of our relationship……..

At this point i would end the relationship and move on with my life as that is the most unforgivable betrayal someone could do to someone they love.

However….. Before finding this out we have moved into our own house, i have proposed to this woman and recently found out we are expecting a baby………………. I dont know what to do…… I’m lost. She says she regrets the first two years of our relationship and the entire relationship with this man and is begging me to give her the chance to prove she just wants to be happy and she wants to move forward, She apologises to me atleast 30 times a day. I dont know what to do.

I feel like you're just trying to cause further problems. He was happy to show me all the proof when I told him about her painting him out to be a horrible abusing Rapist and I said I will be seperating because your unnecessary comment about me enjoying it really bothered me.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion don't speak to him like that you wouldn't talk like if a woman was on her asking for advice because her dp cheated on. Op is struggling because there's a planned baby in the picture which does complicate things and he might feel an element of guilt leaving.

Op if you're still here people have gave you some good idea. Please speak to someone irl. You won't be walking away from the baby you can still be a good father you'll be walking away from you're partner.

I mean the old man doesn’t sound very nice really sure it’s not legal to record someone doing things like that with no permission and to then show them to other people without permission so his not really some lovely lonely old man who she preyed upon for money.

Whatever you do op you need to do it sooner rather then later for you, for her and your baby.

Totally agree with @Teardrop2021 OP, please ignore the twats on here, trying to read into things further and accusing you of being the abusive one.

You have all the information you need and I'm sure it will be a tough decision. I also agree about talking to someone you can trust IRL. Good luck x

Thank you everyone. I really can't tell you how helpful your support and advice has been. Thank you with my whole heart.

So let me get this right; a 64 year old man got into some sort of relationship, which "developed" into her performing sexual favours with a 25 year old woman - who has a background of neglectful, exploitative, unsupportive parents, some deprivation (?) and a history of having been raped as a child, and kept that going for six years.

He recorded their interactions, including he'd performing sex acts on him, on CCTV - that she was unaware of, without her permission (is that not a criminal offence?) and had now showed them to another man; without her permission ....

And we're supposed to consider her fully/equally responsible for this situation.

Yes, she should have stopped when she got into a relationship; but groomed individuals don't often find it easy to simply cleanly stop the manipulative situations they're in.

He was old enough to be her grandfather, let alone her father. It sounds like he'd own parents don't act like parents. She must have severe trauma/issues from the childhood rape. 25 is a fairly young adult and I'd say we all see a vast difference in ourselves from.25 upwards.

That man absolutely, definitively groomed and manipulated her. He spent 6 years establishing and reinforcing their dynamic, little wonder she didn't flip out of it cleanly when she got into a new, untested relationship.

What she's done to op is wrong but she is a victim too.

It's so sad to hear of her begging etc op constantly.

Incidentally if she weren't so vulnerable, she'd be taking that fucker to the police/courts over the cctv and showing you it.

I also have real.diubrs he recorded her on CCTV in case she later accused him of something. Who would be that paranoid (and why)?

More like he recorded it and kept it to manipulate her/for power.

He sounds rather experienced and strategic in his treatment of vulnerable, damaged 20 something women he's bribing for sexual services.

What exactly are his circumstances, married/divorced?

*real doubts

Dean, I don't think you are enjoying this one bit. You hate it and it must have been one helluva shock when you found out.

I'm sure you will be very supportive and attentive to your soon to be ex. Not living with her any more means you no longer have to confront the issue of her having had a sugar daddy and you can concentrate on being good friends and eventually, parents.

Don't give anyone the real reason for your break up, please. Think of something else between you and make it sound like a mutual decision.

All the very best in the world.

OP just reiterating that it is absolutely not your responsibility to “fix” your partner’s issues, nor are you under any obligation to stay to support her.

Please take into account that even if you do decide to stay with her, she needs professional help, not just “love and support” from you - and you are entitled to feel upset and angry about your own experience.

Don’t let either the posters on here, or your partner, emotionally manipulate you into thinking you deserve anything less.

Also I can't help but think there was something malicious in his decision to show you the videos, and other evidence.

It wasn't just pricing his innocence (after all he doesn't have to do that unless she accuses him; which he knows she's not likely to do), he could have just said "no, there was no force etc involved, I'm not getting into this, you work it out between yourselves" instead of a voyeuristic, disturbing viewing of videos with you.

I reckon he enjoyed destroying her relationship, she got away from him after six years, she was starting the life she should have had with a nice partner around her own age and a baby .... Leaving ol' vampire him behind. I think it was malice and wanting to destroy her new life, punish her for breaking free and showing him that he's nothing but an old manipulator who she'd only have sexual contact with for expensive necessities.

about her painting him out to be a horrible abusing Rapist

Well he is horrible and an abuser ..

And there are people who consider (rightly imo) any kind of prostitution to be paid rape .. because the payer knows the payee would not be consenting to that act without the exchange of money.

He knew she wouldn't do sex acts with him, old enough to be her granda, without being paid - not with true consent or desire - so how is he not really a rapist? And he took advantage of her circumstances and background too.

I'd be interested to know if he's done this to other young women. He's certainly we'll set up in case of accusations, isnt he.

@gaijinetal what are you actually hoping to achieve by your posts? The older man won’t see them and neither will the partner. You must know this.

Is your aim to guilt the OP into staying with a woman who (however much she may/may not be a victim in her own right) ultimately gaslit and abused the OP?

what are you actually hoping to achieve by your posts? The older man won’t see them and neither will the partner. You must know this.

why would I want the creepy old groomer or op's clearly vulnerable, damaged partner to see my posts? Why would that even enter your head?

I want op to see a perspective on the creepy old groomer and his vulnerable, damaged partner; that has barely been highlighted in this thread.

(To the contrary, there's been lots of righteous judgement of her combined with a mind boggling lack of acknowledgement of her background, and the relative age & experience of this older man ... and the question marks over his videoing of her etc.)

I think op should consider the above whether he decides to continue the relationship or not.

This woman is going to be the mother of his child either way.

I'm.

I do respect and appreciate all your comments and advice. I truly do. Thank you.

I think you know you need to leave, and you're here looking for confirmation to do it? under the circumstances! Poor lad, sounds like you have a good heart ..she knows it and is pulling on your strings!
just remember, this is your future, and you need to protect yourself as nobody else will and please consider if you stay, do you really want to spend every day logging into her SM and tracking her GPS when shes out, as now that trust has gone, thats all youll be doing! Look after yourself x

@Dean12

I feel like you're just trying to cause further problems. He was happy to show me all the proof when I told him about her painting him out to be a horrible abusing Rapist and I said I will be seperating because your unnecessary comment about me enjoying it really bothered me.

Good glad something made you click and get a grip.

@Teardrop2021

Iminaglasscaseofemotion don't speak to him like that you wouldn't talk like if a woman was on her asking for advice because her dp cheated on. Op is struggling because there's a planned baby in the picture which does complicate things and he might feel an element of guilt leaving.

Op if you're still here people have gave you some good idea. Please speak to someone irl. You won't be walking away from the baby you can still be a good father you'll be walking away from you're partner.

talk to him like what exactly?

Completely agree with gaijinetal, yet we are all to sit and call this woman a cheating, disgusting prostitute that deserves everything she gets, even knowing the little bits of information we have been given about her background. It's sad reading to be honest.
OP has had 2 years to go digging but left it until this woman was pregnant.

Well I will agree that OP doesn't have to stay with her, obviously, and it's not his responsibility to support or help her. I also think he should have left when he initially found out. I will not take part in calling what is clearly a very vulnerable woman, most likely with poor mental health any of the names she has been called on here. I find it disgusting.
Yes it's not right what the OP has been through, but that doesn't make it right for people to shit all over a vulnerable woman.

I don't think you understand, she's admitted everything. She's openly said she wants to be honest now and insists it was not forced at all. She said it was literally just about money and regrets what happened. Regardless of the presumptions it really is just how its said

I've seen the messages and heard the way they talked, she really did have feelings for this oap. She has said herself she seen him as a close friend with financial benefits.... As much as I hate to say this because I wish it was something more like what you're making up

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
And no offence but you've done nothing but try to cause trouble and be quite rude. Im just looking for advice on what to do. Not to be accused of ridiculous things or try to create your own story.

People don’t realise the damage that happens to children when they are raped. It can destroy all boundaries and realities of what considered right. So whilst most people would recoil at the thought of doing this some abuse victims may look at if differently and see it as that they are in control of this situation and that this time they are benefiting from it. I have a friend who has done similar stuff behind her DH back. Even turned to escorting to help pay the bills. He thought she was at ‘work’.

If this is real dean you both need to split up and she needs real professional help.

@gaijinetal

about her painting him out to be a horrible abusing Rapist

Well he is horrible and an abuser ..

And there are people who consider (rightly imo) any kind of prostitution to be paid rape .. because the payer knows the payee would not be consenting to that act without the exchange of money.

He knew she wouldn't do sex acts with him, old enough to be her granda, without being paid - not with true consent or desire - so how is he not really a rapist? And he took advantage of her circumstances and background too.

I'd be interested to know if he's done this to other young women. He's certainly we'll set up in case of accusations, isnt he.

I agree. He sounds very well prepared for some one to come round asking questions.

Also Dean you said you were with them when he bought the phone. Was you all spending time together?

[quote Dean12]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
And no offence but you've done nothing but try to cause trouble and be quite rude. Im just looking for advice on what to do. Not to be accused of ridiculous things or try to create your own story.[/quote]
Ok....cause trouble for a stranger . What trouble was that exactly? Seeing a different perspective?