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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out my parnter cheated on me early on in the relationship for 2 years for MONEY

270 replies

DeanRose92 · 01/02/2021 10:33

Hi everyone, so this is quite a shocking story but im just lost and dont know where to go from here.

I’ve been with my partner for nearly 4 years, 2 and a half years in i found out she was weirdly close to this 70 year old man… I got quite jealous but she insisted he was just a friend and she felt sorry for him.

as time went on i eventually asked her to stop speaking to him because it felt quite uncomfortable, after many arguments and her making out i was paranoid and i even took on counselling sessions and started antidepressants as even in convinced myself i was overly paranoid and obsessing…

So eventually she promised to stop talking to him and blocked his number however a month or so later i found out she was secretly ringing him at work when i confronted her about it with the intention of ending the relationship she said she was in fear of her life and she had to speak to him or he would harm her family…. She then went on to tell me he forced him to do sexual things to him over the 6 year period they knew each other…

She has not spoke to this man for over a year now however one day recently i decided to confirm this and speak to him myself, I have now confronted this man to get the truth myself and he’s shown me all the evidence and explained to me that they had an agreement… She would perform sexual acts on him in return for him giving her money, he bought her a car and a brand new phone for example (she told me she saved for these things) and even had videos of her to prove she “willingly” did these things… She has since admitted this and admitted this went on during the first 2 years of our relationship……..

At this point i would end the relationship and move on with my life as that is the most unforgivable betrayal someone could do to someone they love.

However….. Before finding this out we have moved into our own house, i have proposed to this woman and recently found out we are expecting a baby………………. I dont know what to do…… I’m lost. She says she regrets the first two years of our relationship and the entire relationship with this man and is begging me to give her the chance to prove she just wants to be happy and she wants to move forward, She apologises to me atleast 30 times a day. I dont know what to do.

OP posts:
LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 18:29

Are you just following me to different threads now?

That's an incredible level of narcissism you have, to assume I am "following you" because I choose to comment on a different thread and just so happen to agree with another poster (not you), with something they have said.

I don't wish to engage with you at all - hence why I have not.

So I have to question whether you're in fact following me, given you've chosen to initiate an irrelevant interaction with me.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/02/2021 03:33

Hmm just coincidence that you chose a post that highlights my name.

Sendhelpplease · 04/02/2021 00:14

@DeanRose92 why is it you don’t know what to do at this point?

I see it all as two different issues, she desperately need help to address her issues from her past, present and also herself as a person to how she has treated you/treating other people. None of this involves you, if you go along for this and stay with her there will only be more pain to follow for you. If the baby is yours then you help her to be the parent she needs to, co-parent and if she did get the help she needs/you get time to heal from this trauma then maybe you could come back together on better terms.

You need space to heal and process what you’ve been through with all of this. You deserve a better life than what you’ll have with somebody like her or it’s maybe just the person she is right now at this point in her life. Don’t throw away a chance at a happy life you could have for somebody who cheats, lies, performs sexual acts for money whilst in a relationship and is happy to make their partner think they’re going insane when actually it’s her with the problems. Please don’t take this the wrong way but as much as a baby is a blessing I hope this baby is not yours for your sake and your life.

Be kind to yourself to help you to overcome this trauma.

Dean12 · 04/02/2021 00:35

You're right 😔 thanks for the advice. Appreciate it.

LouJ85 · 04/02/2021 10:04

[quote Sendhelpplease]@DeanRose92 why is it you don’t know what to do at this point?

I see it all as two different issues, she desperately need help to address her issues from her past, present and also herself as a person to how she has treated you/treating other people. None of this involves you, if you go along for this and stay with her there will only be more pain to follow for you. If the baby is yours then you help her to be the parent she needs to, co-parent and if she did get the help she needs/you get time to heal from this trauma then maybe you could come back together on better terms.

You need space to heal and process what you’ve been through with all of this. You deserve a better life than what you’ll have with somebody like her or it’s maybe just the person she is right now at this point in her life. Don’t throw away a chance at a happy life you could have for somebody who cheats, lies, performs sexual acts for money whilst in a relationship and is happy to make their partner think they’re going insane when actually it’s her with the problems. Please don’t take this the wrong way but as much as a baby is a blessing I hope this baby is not yours for your sake and your life.

Be kind to yourself to help you to overcome this trauma.[/quote]

One of the more sensible and balanced responses.

Dean12 · 04/02/2021 10:31

I completely agree. Thankyou for that

Itstimetoquit · 08/02/2021 10:28

How's things op x

Dean12 · 09/02/2021 14:05

@Itstimetoquit

How's things op x
Hi, I really appreciate you checking up. To think of a random person on the internet like that. It means alot. I hope you're well.

So far we're still in touch with each other just more as acquaintances. She finds it hard and i still get the impression she wants things to still work where as im trying to make it clear im only in touch with her because she is the mother of my child. Genuinely feel like i'm never going to trust anyone ever again and it's going to make me paranoid and damage future relationships..

gaijinetal · 09/02/2021 14:37

Genuinely feel like i'm never going to trust anyone ever again and it's going to make me paranoid and damage future relationships..

I'd say the situation is fairly unusual, it seems unlikely you'll encounter something like this again.

But in any case I'd concentrate on making sure she gets help so her issues don't cause your child to be raised in a shitty home with unsuitable men coming and going or similar.

gaijinetal · 09/02/2021 14:39

Her 'friend" also needs to delete the videos of her performing sex acts etc on him; she didn't consent to have them made or kept by the sounds of it.

gaijinetal · 09/02/2021 14:48

Also you should probably have a Dna test done asap when the baby arrives. Unfortunately it might be necessary. You don't want to be in the position that some men find themselves in, of finding out down the line after years of involvement in the child's life etc

Dean12 · 09/02/2021 15:21

@gaijinetal

Also you should probably have a Dna test done asap when the baby arrives. Unfortunately it might be necessary. You don't want to be in the position that some men find themselves in, of finding out down the line after years of involvement in the child's life etc
Yeah i definitely will be doing this, thankyou for the advice
Itstimetoquit · 09/02/2021 17:02

@dean12 I know what you meen about future relationships,don't think I'll ever trust anyone again x

Dean12 · 09/02/2021 17:20

It's really odd because I've grew up thinking faithfulness in a relationship is everything, it's the main thing before anything else and now I'll always question that in future partners

Dean12 · 09/02/2021 17:21

Don't get me wrong I've had plenty of women approach me or give signs they're interested and I've always without hesitation turned them down based on believing how important faithfulness is and what it means in a relationship

Sendhelpplease · 11/02/2021 21:34

Faithfulness is important. Try to not let this situation change you and your beliefs, this situation didn’t happen because of you.

Dean12 · 12/02/2021 00:33

@Sendhelpplease

Faithfulness is important. Try to not let this situation change you and your beliefs, this situation didn’t happen because of you.
Thankyou
Itstimetoquit · 12/02/2021 01:53

@dean12,
How are you,how's things x

Dean12 · 12/02/2021 06:14

[quote Itstimetoquit]@dean12,
How are you,how's things x[/quote]
I'm ok thanks, just plodding on trying to forget. Finding it quite difficult to get back to normality

Itstimetoquit · 14/02/2021 23:32

I think I've forgotten what normality is tbh,sending hugs x

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