Just found out my parnter cheated on me early on in the relationship for 2 years for MONEY

[DeanRose92]

Hi everyone, so this is quite a shocking story but im just lost and dont know where to go from here.

I’ve been with my partner for nearly 4 years, 2 and a half years in i found out she was weirdly close to this 70 year old man… I got quite jealous but she insisted he was just a friend and she felt sorry for him.

as time went on i eventually asked her to stop speaking to him because it felt quite uncomfortable, after many arguments and her making out i was paranoid and i even took on counselling sessions and started antidepressants as even in convinced myself i was overly paranoid and obsessing…

So eventually she promised to stop talking to him and blocked his number however a month or so later i found out she was secretly ringing him at work when i confronted her about it with the intention of ending the relationship she said she was in fear of her life and she had to speak to him or he would harm her family…. She then went on to tell me he forced him to do sexual things to him over the 6 year period they knew each other…

She has not spoke to this man for over a year now however one day recently i decided to confirm this and speak to him myself, I have now confronted this man to get the truth myself and he’s shown me all the evidence and explained to me that they had an agreement… She would perform sexual acts on him in return for him giving her money, he bought her a car and a brand new phone for example (she told me she saved for these things) and even had videos of her to prove she “willingly” did these things… She has since admitted this and admitted this went on during the first 2 years of our relationship……..

At this point i would end the relationship and move on with my life as that is the most unforgivable betrayal someone could do to someone they love.

However….. Before finding this out we have moved into our own house, i have proposed to this woman and recently found out we are expecting a baby………………. I dont know what to do…… I’m lost. She says she regrets the first two years of our relationship and the entire relationship with this man and is begging me to give her the chance to prove she just wants to be happy and she wants to move forward, She apologises to me atleast 30 times a day. I dont know what to do.

Op, she really does need urgent psychological support herself before the baby is born. I would urge her to speak to her midwife or GP in confidence about her childhood history and what has happened more recently. Given the childhood rape she is likely to be known to social services and this is a question all women are asked at booking. My advice to you remains as before.

Yup, thought there would be more to it than she's just a disgusting shut that's been prostitution herself to an old man, like some are suggesting.

She's clearly had a pretty shitty start in life, and probably needs some help herself. I'm not saying you should stay with her, or be the one to help her, but from your updates it's likely she's quite vulnerable, and when someone has been treated like that their entire life, its sometimes hard for them to consider other people and how they feel.

They "she deserves everything she gets" comment is pretty disgusting.

Shes cleay been taken advantage of by this man, even if she doesn't see that herself. The filming her to use as proof or "protection" is disgusting.

Slut, not shut
And prostituting, not prostitution

@Lillygolightly

With respect, I always appreciate a view that has nuance but your empathy with this woman is waaay off the deep end and very troubling to be frank. Give your head a wobble.

She was content to effectively cuckold the poor guy and only broke it off when he kicked up a fuss. She was into it enough to take goods and money and even let the man record videos that showed she was enthusiastic about the job at hand.

As other smarter people than me have said, if this was the other way around, there would be an angry mob 300 deep complete with burning torches chasing the man down with a gallows already setup. This is no different. She isn't precious and blameless because she is a woman. If anything, women DO get the rough end a lot of the time and honestly she should me more aware of how actions affect feelings.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Yup, thought there would be more to it than she's just a disgusting shut that's been prostitution herself to an old man, like some are suggesting.

She's clearly had a pretty shitty start in life, and probably needs some help herself. I'm not saying you should stay with her, or be the one to help her, but from your updates it's likely she's quite vulnerable, and when someone has been treated like that their entire life, its sometimes hard for them to consider other people and how they feel.

They "she deserves everything she gets" comment is pretty disgusting.

Shes cleay been taken advantage of by this man, even if she doesn't see that herself. The filming her to use as proof or "protection" is disgusting.

I see alot of truth to these things however to do this to me over a 2 year period, i didnt deserve any of this, i loved her with everything and done everything i could for her, i treated her above and beyond what most guys do. Nobody should do what she did to me regardless of having the worst upbringing or not

[quote Vegeetas]@Lillygolightly

With respect, I always appreciate a view that has nuance but your empathy with this woman is waaay off the deep end and very troubling to be frank. Give your head a wobble.

She was content to effectively cuckold the poor guy and only broke it off when he kicked up a fuss. She was into it enough to take goods and money and even let the man record videos that showed she was enthusiastic about the job at hand.

As other smarter people than me have said, if this was the other way around, there would be an angry mob 300 deep complete with burning torches chasing the man down with a gallows already setup. This is no different. She isn't precious and blameless because she is a woman. If anything, women DO get the rough end a lot of the time and honestly she should me more aware of how actions affect feelings.[/quote]
i appreciate this, i do get you also

Did you know that if a woman has been raped once that she is more likely to be raped again at some point in her life. As a result is also more likely to end up being more vulnerable and more likely to be coerced into other sorts of sexual or otherwise unwanted situations.

Those who have grown up in abusive or alcoholic households are also more likely to end up a victims of abuse or alcohol abuse.

Once someone has been in an abusive relationship, they are also more likely to end up in subsequent abusive relationships.

There are many many women on this forum who have been raped, and more than once and by different people. There are many women who have been the target of some sort of sexual assault, in fact it’s generally hard to find a women who hasn’t been sexually assaulted in one way or another at least once. There are many women who have been in more than one abusive relationship, often escaping one abuser only to fall into the hands of another one who is sometimes worse. For some of these women their first experiences of such acts or behaviour started in childhood.

These women also look like completely normal put together women if you were to see them walking down the street. You wouldn’t know anything different as it’s not like the have abused/raped/assaulted/coerced stamped on their foreheads....but to other predatory abusers they may as well have!! It’s so easy to fall into the trap especially when you’ve fallen or been subjected once before. Logically you wouldn’t think that would be the case would you? You would think you would know better what to look for, what the red flags are etc?? Sadly that’s often not the case, which is why counselling and professional help is very much needed to anyone who has ever found themselves in this sort of a situation, no matter whether it was recent or a time long ago, even dating as far back as childhood. These are lifelong issues that anyone who has suffered will carry, and can affect all aspects of you life for a very very long time, even if you look and act completely normal it’s there and affecting you in one way or another.

@Lillygolightly

Did you know that if a woman has been raped once that she is more likely to be raped again at some point in her life. As a result is also more likely to end up being more vulnerable and more likely to be coerced into other sorts of sexual or otherwise unwanted situations.

Those who have grown up in abusive or alcoholic households are also more likely to end up a victims of abuse or alcohol abuse.

Once someone has been in an abusive relationship, they are also more likely to end up in subsequent abusive relationships.

There are many many women on this forum who have been raped, and more than once and by different people. There are many women who have been the target of some sort of sexual assault, in fact it’s generally hard to find a women who hasn’t been sexually assaulted in one way or another at least once. There are many women who have been in more than one abusive relationship, often escaping one abuser only to fall into the hands of another one who is sometimes worse. For some of these women their first experiences of such acts or behaviour started in childhood.

These women also look like completely normal put together women if you were to see them walking down the street. You wouldn’t know anything different as it’s not like the have abused/raped/assaulted/coerced stamped on their foreheads....but to other predatory abusers they may as well have!! It’s so easy to fall into the trap especially when you’ve fallen or been subjected once before. Logically you wouldn’t think that would be the case would you? You would think you would know better what to look for, what the red flags are etc?? Sadly that’s often not the case, which is why counselling and professional help is very much needed to anyone who has ever found themselves in this sort of a situation, no matter whether it was recent or a time long ago, even dating as far back as childhood. These are lifelong issues that anyone who has suffered will carry, and can affect all aspects of you life for a very very long time, even if you look and act completely normal it’s there and affecting you in one way or another.

I do understand that but at the same time, She had 2 years to think "hang on, this is a good guy, im cheating on him." i feel like there's not really an excuse to do that to another person regardless of whats happened to themselves

Your telling me that someone who was raped between the ages of 8-10 by an older child and also grew up with an alcoholic father and a passive mother is going to be a completely normal functioning adult without vulnerabilities or issues around sex and the nature of it???

Your telling me that her childhood and what happened to her has absolutely no bearing on the fact that this same person would go on to end up in a 6 year long relationship with someone old enough to be her grandfather.

No of course not, I’m sure she was just a scheming bitch who set out to get all she could from some poor old man whilst lying and cheating on her partner, as if that’s what she intended all along. I highly doubt it, but that just my opinion, and as an outsider, a stranger I can only offer a different view point that might suggest that there are deeper things beneath the surface which had the led to this!

I must be very wrong!! I agree that I may indeed be wrong, but I don’t think the evidence thus far points that way. Each to their own though.

Posters falling all over themselves to excuse the partner here seem to be forgetting that this is a thread to support the OP.

Yes, his partner may need support and if I were her friend then I’d be extremely concerned about what drove her to Sex work and to support her in the best way I could.

However it doesn’t really matter why she did it - she’s not here, she can’t see the messages of support. The OP is here and needs support and sympathy. Ultimately he has been hurt badly by this woman and he shouldn’t be bombarded with theories about why his partner did such a thing; he shouldn’t be made to feel like he has a responsibility to support her or forgive her. It’s OK for him to walk away here.

I do understand that but at the same time, She had 2 years to think "hang on, this is a good guy, im cheating on him." i feel like there's not really an excuse to do that to another person regardless of whats happened to themselves

Nor do I think you should excuse it, I’m deeply saying there are deeper much more complicated ones to why this happened and why she allowed it happen in such a way that she continued it whilst she was with you. She didn’t eventually stop it, chose you and to be with you in the end though didn’t she? So it took her longer than it should have to get there, but she did eventually do the right thing. This suggests to me that she wanted to do this from the start of her relationship with you, but for whatever reason was unable to. That’s me just speculating though, at the end of the day you don’t have to get over it, you don’t have to forgive it, no matter her reasons for why it happened. You are allowed to put yourself first you know. The fact that you are in such turmoil about it does suggest to me that what she has done and the person you know her as and fell in love with is completely at odds to you too. That’s why I think so much more lies underneath the surface than simply what it seems like it might be from the outside looking in.

That’s me done though. I wish you all the best OP, I hope whatever ends up happening that you do manage to end up with an amicable co parenting relationship for the sake of the child.

@Dyrne

Posters falling all over themselves to excuse the partner here seem to be forgetting that this is a thread to support the OP.

Yes, his partner may need support and if I were her friend then I’d be extremely concerned about what drove her to Sex work and to support her in the best way I could.

However it doesn’t really matter why she did it - she’s not here, she can’t see the messages of support. The OP is here and needs support and sympathy. Ultimately he has been hurt badly by this woman and he shouldn’t be bombarded with theories about why his partner did such a thing; he shouldn’t be made to feel like he has a responsibility to support her or forgive her. It’s OK for him to walk away here.

🤣 have you not been here long? OP has been given plenty of support. Plenty of people calling a vulnerable person a disgusting slut and saying she deserves everything she gets. You want everyone to just nod along and agree? That's not how it works.

@Lillygolightly

Your telling me that someone who was raped between the ages of 8-10 by an older child and also grew up with an alcoholic father and a passive mother is going to be a completely normal functioning adult without vulnerabilities or issues around sex and the nature of it???

Your telling me that her childhood and what happened to her has absolutely no bearing on the fact that this same person would go on to end up in a 6 year long relationship with someone old enough to be her grandfather.

No of course not, I’m sure she was just a scheming bitch who set out to get all she could from some poor old man whilst lying and cheating on her partner, as if that’s what she intended all along. I highly doubt it, but that just my opinion, and as an outsider, a stranger I can only offer a different view point that might suggest that there are deeper things beneath the surface which had the led to this!

I must be very wrong!! I agree that I may indeed be wrong, but I don’t think the evidence thus far points that way. Each to their own though.

Im not at all saying you're wrong, im simply saying that no matter what you've gone through as a person theres no excuse to do that to me, i did not deserve it. There's no excuse. Even if she ended the relationship early on would be better. But what she put me through and the things she did behind my back there's no excuse to hide behind to do that to me and use me like that

*She was content to effectively cuckold the poor guy and only broke it off when he kicked up a fuss. She was into it enough to take goods and money and even let the man record videos that showed she was enthusiastic about the job at hand.

As other smarter people than me have said, if this was the other way around, there would be an angry mob 300 deep complete with burning torches chasing the man down with a gallows already setup. This is no different. She isn't precious and blameless because she is a woman. If anything, women DO get the rough end a lot of the time and honestly she should me more aware of how actions affect feelings.*

Did she know she was being filmed? Sure the OP said she wasn't aware at the time but is now?

And bullshit to the second paragraph. Of this was the other way around and a young boy had been abused buy so many people around him when he was younger, I would day exactly the same if he had been put in this situation as an adult.

I see alot of truth to these things however to do this to me over a 2 year period, i didnt deserve any of this, i loved her with everything and done everything i could for her, i treated her above and beyond what most guys do. Nobody should do what she did to me regardless of having the worst upbringing or not

No they shouldn't, so leave her. Why would you stick around after finding out something like that? I've already said it's not your responsibility to help her, or stick by her.

@Lillygolightly

I do understand that but at the same time, She had 2 years to think "hang on, this is a good guy, im cheating on him." i feel like there's not really an excuse to do that to another person regardless of whats happened to themselves

Nor do I think you should excuse it, I’m deeply saying there are deeper much more complicated ones to why this happened and why she allowed it happen in such a way that she continued it whilst she was with you. She didn’t eventually stop it, chose you and to be with you in the end though didn’t she? So it took her longer than it should have to get there, but she did eventually do the right thing. This suggests to me that she wanted to do this from the start of her relationship with you, but for whatever reason was unable to. That’s me just speculating though, at the end of the day you don’t have to get over it, you don’t have to forgive it, no matter her reasons for why it happened. You are allowed to put yourself first you know. The fact that you are in such turmoil about it does suggest to me that what she has done and the person you know her as and fell in love with is completely at odds to you too. That’s why I think so much more lies underneath the surface than simply what it seems like it might be from the outside looking in.

That’s me done though. I wish you all the best OP, I hope whatever ends up happening that you do manage to end up with an amicable co parenting relationship for the sake of the child.

She only "chose me" because i found out again that she was still talking to this man. After talking to this man he said he wasnt interested in anything further than what was going on but she was, he and she even admitted he started turning down the sexual offers towards the end.

she only cam clean because she was forced to, she would of continued the relationship/friendship for the foreseeable future otherwise

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I see alot of truth to these things however to do this to me over a 2 year period, i didnt deserve any of this, i loved her with everything and done everything i could for her, i treated her above and beyond what most guys do. Nobody should do what she did to me regardless of having the worst upbringing or not

No they shouldn't, so leave her. Why would you stick around after finding out something like that? I've already said it's not your responsibility to help her, or stick by her.

You don't have to stay with her, you know; however, her being pregnant complicates matters. I honestly think having a baby will change her thinking completely.

Does she love you, intend to be faithful? Do you love her? That's what matters now.

Guys please, i dont want you to argue with each other. I dont have anyone else to talk to or ask apart from her and that's obviously not going to help. I literally feel hollow inside and have no idea what to do so im just needing your opinions to help me decide what way to go.

I greatly appreciate all your help and input so far, thankyou.

@Lillygolightly

I do understand that but at the same time, She had 2 years to think "hang on, this is a good guy, im cheating on him." i feel like there's not really an excuse to do that to another person regardless of whats happened to themselves

Nor do I think you should excuse it, I’m deeply saying there are deeper much more complicated ones to why this happened and why she allowed it happen in such a way that she continued it whilst she was with you. She didn’t eventually stop it, chose you and to be with you in the end though didn’t she? So it took her longer than it should have to get there, but she did eventually do the right thing. This suggests to me that she wanted to do this from the start of her relationship with you, but for whatever reason was unable to. That’s me just speculating though, at the end of the day you don’t have to get over it, you don’t have to forgive it, no matter her reasons for why it happened. You are allowed to put yourself first you know. The fact that you are in such turmoil about it does suggest to me that what she has done and the person you know her as and fell in love with is completely at odds to you too. That’s why I think so much more lies underneath the surface than simply what it seems like it might be from the outside looking in.

That’s me done though. I wish you all the best OP, I hope whatever ends up happening that you do manage to end up with an amicable co parenting relationship for the sake of the child.

I think this is very similar to a man who grew up in a very violent household and is now violent himself.

Yes - you can feel sorry for him and his terrible upbringing. Yes - you can think “if only” and wonder if he had not been through so much if he would not be violent.

But that doesn’t mean you should stay with him. You still need to leave him. Because no person has the responsibility to “save” another.

The Op’s mental health has been badly damaged by what happened and she allowed that to happen and chose to protect her secret over stopping him from taking drugs that could impact him forever.

Either she is an unpleasant, selfish individual who chooses to put herself first over the health of someone she claims to love or she is so messed up that she is unable do anything but cause damage to someone she claims to love.

Either way - she isn’t partner material and the Op needs to take care of himself.

She's cheated! Basically a prostitute as she was getting paid,I could never get past this,how will you ever trust her again,I think she needs professional help,yet you was the one on medication...what she has done is disgusting,sending hugs x

She says she loves me, she's been in bits the last 3 weeks since i found out and begs be to give her a chance. She's offered every bit of transparency for the rest of our lives and says she only wants me in life. She apologises 20-30 times a day and is constantly hugging me in tears saying she feels awful. She says she just wants us to be happy and become a family whicjh tears me up inside hearing.

i just dont know what to do.

Is the baby actually yours op? It might be a good idea to take a step back and then get a dna test . Maybe she will agree to an in womb dna test?

@Itstimetoquit

She's cheated! Basically a prostitute as she was getting paid,I could never get past this,how will you ever trust her again,I think she needs professional help,yet you was the one on medication...what she has done is disgusting,sending hugs x

And this is also true. I agree.

I was raped at 15 and attacked at 16. Grew up with addict parents and periods of neglect and abuse.

Didn't make me having an affair acceptable. Despite the affair being with someone dangerous, abusive, manipulative and coersive and me being rather vulnerible.

Just as this woman's background doesn't make her cheating on the OP for money ok either. People with shitty backgrounds can go on to do crap things themselves; the background does not negate their own actions.

@strawberriesontheNeva

Is the baby actually yours op? It might be a good idea to take a step back and then get a dna test . Maybe she will agree to an in womb dna test?

She has said yes to this, she said she will do whatever it takes