Just found out my parnter cheated on me early on in the relationship for 2 years for MONEY

[DeanRose92]

Hi everyone, so this is quite a shocking story but im just lost and dont know where to go from here.

I’ve been with my partner for nearly 4 years, 2 and a half years in i found out she was weirdly close to this 70 year old man… I got quite jealous but she insisted he was just a friend and she felt sorry for him.

as time went on i eventually asked her to stop speaking to him because it felt quite uncomfortable, after many arguments and her making out i was paranoid and i even took on counselling sessions and started antidepressants as even in convinced myself i was overly paranoid and obsessing…

So eventually she promised to stop talking to him and blocked his number however a month or so later i found out she was secretly ringing him at work when i confronted her about it with the intention of ending the relationship she said she was in fear of her life and she had to speak to him or he would harm her family…. She then went on to tell me he forced him to do sexual things to him over the 6 year period they knew each other…

She has not spoke to this man for over a year now however one day recently i decided to confirm this and speak to him myself, I have now confronted this man to get the truth myself and he’s shown me all the evidence and explained to me that they had an agreement… She would perform sexual acts on him in return for him giving her money, he bought her a car and a brand new phone for example (she told me she saved for these things) and even had videos of her to prove she “willingly” did these things… She has since admitted this and admitted this went on during the first 2 years of our relationship……..

At this point i would end the relationship and move on with my life as that is the most unforgivable betrayal someone could do to someone they love.

However….. Before finding this out we have moved into our own house, i have proposed to this woman and recently found out we are expecting a baby………………. I dont know what to do…… I’m lost. She says she regrets the first two years of our relationship and the entire relationship with this man and is begging me to give her the chance to prove she just wants to be happy and she wants to move forward, She apologises to me atleast 30 times a day. I dont know what to do.

@WhoseThatGirl

The cheating is awful but the gaslighting is unforgivable. Yes she’s sorry she got caught but she wasn’t sorry for 2 years of it. Right now she probably believes she will change. But when it all calms down and she’s stopped trying to prove herself she will do something like this again. She lied and lied and lied. She won’t change.

This is my thoughts exactly. Thankyou

As it stands i just feel awful... If i walk out now i'm leaving a pregnant woman alone dealing with the sickness, pains and troubles. It makes me feel horrible... That's not right surely

@nutsaboutsquirrels

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Your replies are odd. You seem to think you know an awful lot about this, but of course you've been in the same situation right?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Name change OP?

I'm curious, what made you contact the man she had the arrangement with now?
What "proof" did he have to show you?

Yeah i thought its not appropriate having my surname there. So the proof was videos he recorded of her doing these acts which i've seen. She was definitely more than willing.

I think the reason i contacted him was it was always in the back of my mind from little things like i use to hear the way she spoke to him on the phone, there was no indication there was any force or abuse.. So we had an argument one night and i just went.

So she’s offered to be completely open and honest with you, she has offered you full access to her phone/email/gps etc

That’s a very good sign that she is truly remorseful and regrets her actions, and is prepared to do whatever it takes to men your relationship.

I’m not saying that you should forgive her and just move on, but just that for her part she’s completely willing to do whatever you need. So many people who have cheated don’t want to give up their right to privacy, don’t want to be open and honest about where they are, what they do and say to others, want to sweep things under the rug and hold back yet expect trust and forgiveness.

FWIW I had a not dissimilar situation happen to me. A man I met through work got chatting to me one day, all seemed innocent we only chatted about shared interests we had. Both of us in relationships/children etc and talked about that. No reason for me to think anything underhand, as far as I was concerned he was polite, well mannered and certainly never gave me any vibes that he was interested in something more. At some point, and I’m not sure how this became more for him. I suddenly was bombarded with emails, innocent ones but lots of them. Then it was my birthday and he sent me gifts to my desk at work, a huge bunch of flowers present and card. It was all a bit too much so I politely rebuffed him, but this only seemed to make him more insistent. The fact that he actually hadn’t done or said anything wrong, he hadn’t even hinted at anything even remotely sexual made things hard, he insisted he treated all his friends this way. He eventually found out where I lived, I didn’t tell him, and gifts for Christmas turned up there as well. By this point I was well and truly creeped out. By all accounts he was a lovely bloke but I assumed he was trying to coerce me into something and he was in it for the long haul as he just would not leave me alone. Even when I rather harshly told him to stop, he would but only for a while...months later something else would turn up, and he would say he was just trying to apologise etc. Nothing, not one thing ever happened between us.

My point is that this happened to me as a confident adult in my 30s, but I can imagine if I was less confident and much younger I can see myself being talked into all the nice yet innocent things he said, I could see myself being flattered and feeling obliged with the gifts....he was only being nice etc. Even in my thirties I struggled to get rid of him, I can only imagine I would have found this even more difficult had I been young and single. The only reason I think he kept some distance is because of my big burly DH.

@Dean12
Your original name will still show on the thread even if you name change.
Contact MnHQ to ask them to change your posts to your name change if they can.
People will miss your posts as you shouldn't NC in the middle of a thread.

Disgusting. Just revolting.

Right, well we can all still see your previous name, so bit weird to change it and leave the other name still standing.

He was taking videos of her aswell?

A lot of women forced into porn films probably look more than will too, but the reality is quite different. Not saying that's what's going on here at all though.

Was there no other evidence, like the purchase of the car and the phone. Messages between them? How.many videos had he been taking? Did she know he was filming her? Did you tell her you had been shown these videos?

Posted too soon.
Total deal breaker.

@Dean12

As it stands i just feel awful... If i walk out now i'm leaving a pregnant woman alone dealing with the sickness, pains and troubles. It makes me feel horrible... That's not right surely

Are you generally a complete pushover irl? Anyone who had found this out wouldn't be hanging around just because they were worried about a woman dealing with morning sickness. Come on OP, grow a backbone!

Also, before you found put that there had been sexual favour handed out for money and she claimed they were just friends, what made you so uncomfortable with the situation? If my partner was in contact with a 70 year old, the last conclusion my mind would just to would be theat they were giving sexual favours, or having some sort of affair.

OP it may be that she got caught up in it, was coerced initially etc. All that can be true.

BUT

It does not make her treatment of you in any way acceptable. You had counselling and went on medication thinking you were essentially going crazy and she allowed you to knowing you were totally fine.

This is even more an important an issue than that she cheated and was getting money for luxuries for it.

You are not a bad person for not living with a pregnant woman who made you think you were mentally unwell. Moving back to your family might be good but there are other options like perhaps renting a room somewhere nearby, or a studio.

The fact she's pregnant, in this particular situation does not override your need for safety. This woman is not who you thought and she has done something so horrific to you, you shouldn't be living with her.

[quote HumourReplacementTherapy]@Dean12
Your original name will still show on the thread even if you name change.
Contact MnHQ to ask them to change your posts to your name change if they can.
People will miss your posts as you shouldn't NC in the middle of a thread. [/quote]
I see, i didnt know this. Thankyou

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Right, well we can all still see your previous name, so bit weird to change it and leave the other name still standing.

He was taking videos of her aswell?

A lot of women forced into porn films probably look more than will too, but the reality is quite different. Not saying that's what's going on here at all though.

Was there no other evidence, like the purchase of the car and the phone. Messages between them? How.many videos had he been taking? Did she know he was filming her? Did you tell her you had been shown these videos?

Yeah he had cctv in his flat and new house, he has multiple videos and she claims she didnt know. She said he used the videos as leverage for protection but never needed to use them for that reason. He's shown bank statements for phone and car and shes admitted that's how she obtained them too. She always deleted the messages between them but he shown me them all. I've told her i've seen the videos yes. She's openly admitted she willingly done all this, there was no forced or anything like that. he and she say "they were just good for each other at the time" and that's the reason, they "helped" each other out

So he took videos of her.....

Why do you think he did that? For his own amusement and gratification no doubt. Do you not think that perhaps he might have also used them to blackmail and threaten her to continue their arrangement by threatening to show those videos to you? To her family? To people she knew? Maybe if he didn’t even say it directly, he may have implied it. He was quick enough to show you the videos wasn’t he???

Why do you think he do willingly showed/shared those videos with you? Would you do that if the roles were reversed? Show someone who for all intents and purposes is a stranger a video of you doing something sexual???

Whatever this situation this old man is quiet the creep!!!! Of that much I am sure!

I think calling it a sugar daddy is minimising it. Sugar daddy is more gifts. This is pure prostitution.

It is up to you whether you can accept she was a prostitute or not. If you can then you need to put it behind you and never mention it unless she raises it. If you can’t then you need to end it.

That s something she made out at first but now its clear they both had a mutal agreement, There was no blackmail or anything of the short, I've heard and seen from both sides that it was just a mutual agreement

@Lillygolightly

So he took videos of her.....

Why do you think he did that? For his own amusement and gratification no doubt. Do you not think that perhaps he might have also used them to blackmail and threaten her to continue their arrangement by threatening to show those videos to you? To her family? To people she knew? Maybe if he didn’t even say it directly, he may have implied it. He was quick enough to show you the videos wasn’t he???

Why do you think he do willingly showed/shared those videos with you? Would you do that if the roles were reversed? Show someone who for all intents and purposes is a stranger a video of you doing something sexual???

Whatever this situation this old man is quiet the creep!!!! Of that much I am sure!

Well considering she’s now saying he forced her to prostitute herself snd threatened her I think taking the videos was prudent don’t you?

@Bluntness100

I think calling it a sugar daddy is minimising it. Sugar daddy is more gifts. This is pure prostitution.

It is up to you whether you can accept she was a prostitute or not. If you can then you need to put it behind you and never mention it unless she raises it. If you can’t then you need to end it.

This is my problem. I wont be able to get over it.

@yetmorenamechanging

OP it may be that she got caught up in it, was coerced initially etc. All that can be true.

BUT

It does not make her treatment of you in any way acceptable. You had counselling and went on medication thinking you were essentially going crazy and she allowed you to knowing you were totally fine.

This is even more an important an issue than that she cheated and was getting money for luxuries for it.

You are not a bad person for not living with a pregnant woman who made you think you were mentally unwell. Moving back to your family might be good but there are other options like perhaps renting a room somewhere nearby, or a studio.

The fact she's pregnant, in this particular situation does not override your need for safety. This woman is not who you thought and she has done something so horrific to you, you shouldn't be living with her.

I really appreciate this.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Also, before you found put that there had been sexual favour handed out for money and she claimed they were just friends, what made you so uncomfortable with the situation? If my partner was in contact with a 70 year old, the last conclusion my mind would just to would be theat they were giving sexual favours, or having some sort of affair.

Because she would talk to him while having a wee on the toilet or in the bath, she would text him morning and good night and phone him without fail every evening and talking to each other about events or news. It just felt abit creepy the whole thing.

@Lillygolightly

So she’s offered to be completely open and honest with you, she has offered you full access to her phone/email/gps etc

That’s a very good sign that she is truly remorseful and regrets her actions, and is prepared to do whatever it takes to men your relationship.

I’m not saying that you should forgive her and just move on, but just that for her part she’s completely willing to do whatever you need. So many people who have cheated don’t want to give up their right to privacy, don’t want to be open and honest about where they are, what they do and say to others, want to sweep things under the rug and hold back yet expect trust and forgiveness.

FWIW I had a not dissimilar situation happen to me. A man I met through work got chatting to me one day, all seemed innocent we only chatted about shared interests we had. Both of us in relationships/children etc and talked about that. No reason for me to think anything underhand, as far as I was concerned he was polite, well mannered and certainly never gave me any vibes that he was interested in something more. At some point, and I’m not sure how this became more for him. I suddenly was bombarded with emails, innocent ones but lots of them. Then it was my birthday and he sent me gifts to my desk at work, a huge bunch of flowers present and card. It was all a bit too much so I politely rebuffed him, but this only seemed to make him more insistent. The fact that he actually hadn’t done or said anything wrong, he hadn’t even hinted at anything even remotely sexual made things hard, he insisted he treated all his friends this way. He eventually found out where I lived, I didn’t tell him, and gifts for Christmas turned up there as well. By this point I was well and truly creeped out. By all accounts he was a lovely bloke but I assumed he was trying to coerce me into something and he was in it for the long haul as he just would not leave me alone. Even when I rather harshly told him to stop, he would but only for a while...months later something else would turn up, and he would say he was just trying to apologise etc. Nothing, not one thing ever happened between us.

My point is that this happened to me as a confident adult in my 30s, but I can imagine if I was less confident and much younger I can see myself being talked into all the nice yet innocent things he said, I could see myself being flattered and feeling obliged with the gifts....he was only being nice etc. Even in my thirties I struggled to get rid of him, I can only imagine I would have found this even more difficult had I been young and single. The only reason I think he kept some distance is because of my big burly DH.

Thankyou, the transparency and willingness to give me everything and even track her location for the rest of our lives makes me think she really does regret this but whether its forgivable is a whole different story.

Not being able to get over it it is fine, people end relationships and marriages every day for far far less.

I don’t think this relationship with this old man was as sordid as some are making out (on her part anyway) and I do think she was more than likely guilted/groomed/coerced into it. It’s very hard to explain or know why you allowed yourself to be groomed or coerced, but happens every day to adults and sensible intelligent people. The whole thing with coercion is that by it’s very design is to appear to yourself and others that you did things willingly. It’s a complete head fuck, and often can go on for years, and can be extremely hard to wake up from and realise that in fact that this is what happened. You think you went along with things willingly, until at some point it dawns on you that you didn’t. It’s very complicated and very hard to come to terms with and understand.

All that said regardless of the circumstances it still happened, and you both have to live with it. If it’s not something you can get over than the kindest thing to do for all is to end your relationship, because it will otherwise become a festering wound that will continue to rot your relationships and obviously come to affect the child once it’s born.

You can split and be amicable, you can still support her through this pregnancy and you can still be a good father to your child. It will be painful at first, as it always is but things will settle in time and you guys will learn how to co parent.

Her behaviour has been incredibly cruel.
She lied and lied and lied. For money. For goods. For selfish reasons. Then she accused you of being paranoid and mentally unwell, to the extent of probably offering you comfort and support while you attended therapy and took medication. All the while she knew you didn't need it!

Now she is pregnant, the full truth comes out.

Shes an abuser, and a very dangerous one at that. I'd run for the hills.