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Original poster

Just found out my parnter cheated on me early on in the relationship for 2 years for MONEY

270 replies

DeanRose92 · 01/02/2021 10:33

Hi everyone, so this is quite a shocking story but im just lost and dont know where to go from here.

I’ve been with my partner for nearly 4 years, 2 and a half years in i found out she was weirdly close to this 70 year old man… I got quite jealous but she insisted he was just a friend and she felt sorry for him.

as time went on i eventually asked her to stop speaking to him because it felt quite uncomfortable, after many arguments and her making out i was paranoid and i even took on counselling sessions and started antidepressants as even in convinced myself i was overly paranoid and obsessing…

So eventually she promised to stop talking to him and blocked his number however a month or so later i found out she was secretly ringing him at work when i confronted her about it with the intention of ending the relationship she said she was in fear of her life and she had to speak to him or he would harm her family…. She then went on to tell me he forced him to do sexual things to him over the 6 year period they knew each other…

She has not spoke to this man for over a year now however one day recently i decided to confirm this and speak to him myself, I have now confronted this man to get the truth myself and he’s shown me all the evidence and explained to me that they had an agreement… She would perform sexual acts on him in return for him giving her money, he bought her a car and a brand new phone for example (she told me she saved for these things) and even had videos of her to prove she “willingly” did these things… She has since admitted this and admitted this went on during the first 2 years of our relationship……..

At this point i would end the relationship and move on with my life as that is the most unforgivable betrayal someone could do to someone they love.

However….. Before finding this out we have moved into our own house, i have proposed to this woman and recently found out we are expecting a baby………………. I dont know what to do…… I’m lost. She says she regrets the first two years of our relationship and the entire relationship with this man and is begging me to give her the chance to prove she just wants to be happy and she wants to move forward, She apologises to me atleast 30 times a day. I dont know what to do.

OP posts:
Dean12 · 01/02/2021 13:09

@Lillygolightly

Not being able to get over it it is fine, people end relationships and marriages every day for far far less.

I don’t think this relationship with this old man was as sordid as some are making out (on her part anyway) and I do think she was more than likely guilted/groomed/coerced into it. It’s very hard to explain or know why you allowed yourself to be groomed or coerced, but happens every day to adults and sensible intelligent people. The whole thing with coercion is that by it’s very design is to appear to yourself and others that you did things willingly. It’s a complete head fuck, and often can go on for years, and can be extremely hard to wake up from and realise that in fact that this is what happened. You think you went along with things willingly, until at some point it dawns on you that you didn’t. It’s very complicated and very hard to come to terms with and understand.

All that said regardless of the circumstances it still happened, and you both have to live with it. If it’s not something you can get over than the kindest thing to do for all is to end your relationship, because it will otherwise become a festering wound that will continue to rot your relationships and obviously come to affect the child once it’s born.

You can split and be amicable, you can still support her through this pregnancy and you can still be a good father to your child. It will be painful at first, as it always is but things will settle in time and you guys will learn how to co parent.

I've spent many hours talking to her about this and going over every little detail, Its clear they were both lonely and she wanted the relationship with him, she says she feels shameful that she prostituted herself and told me she did it because she thought nobody would find out.

I think coparenting is the sensible option, I've spent 3 years being used while i gave her everything and put my blood,sweat and tears into her and us. The level of betrayal just amazes me... It genuinely scares me to think what humans are capable of to another human.............

unbotheredbutbewildered · 01/02/2021 13:10

Regardless of what she says she'll do now to make it better...It's not a relationship without trust. And if you can't trust her without monitoring her phone and knowing where she is at all times, that is not a relationship.

If the role were reversed no one here would try and justify the behaviour of the people involved. They would all be saying run.

My advice remains the same; move back to your parents, get a solicitor, get a DNA test of the child and remove this woman from your life. Do not leave yourself in a a relationship with someone WHO LET YOU THINK YOU WERE INSANE AND ENCOURAGED IT WITH HER DENIALS.

She is a danger to you.

Herja · 01/02/2021 13:12

If you can't forgive her (and I'd not be able to. It's grim), then break up now. The relationship will only (CAN only) be toxic if you stay together with you unforgiving.

Better to break up now (bringing your child up only ever knowing shared care), than have a child in what can only ever be a bad relationship that ends acrimoniously.

Lillygolightly · 01/02/2021 13:15

Oh and whether you stay together or not I would urge her to have some counselling because if this 6 year relationship she had with this man was what I think it was she is really really going to need counselling, possibly even more so if this relationship has cost her her relationship with you.

She needs to figure out why she allowed this to happen, she needs to figure out why she allowed it to continue even after being in a relationship with you. Why she found it so difficult to enforce her own boundaries and why she found it so hard to end it. She needs to unpick what happened, how it happened and why it happened. I can guarantee it all goes deeper than any of us can imagine.

I say this because from you what say, it sounds completely and utterly like a one off. It’s not like she is some sort of gold digger that typically goes around looking for lonely old men to offer sexual favours and company in return for gifts. It’s sounds very much like a situation that she got herself into that over a long long time turned into something else entirely and she ended up in so deep she found it hard to get out. It also doesn’t sound like you had any concerns over her fidelity except in regards to this one old man. So I’m guessing you otherwise found her to be faithful to you, because if you didn’t I can’t imagine that you would a got a house and planned this baby and a whole life and future together.

I think perhaps you could benefit from some counselling too.

Bluntness100 · 01/02/2021 13:18

I wont be able to get over it

I think then what you need to do is clear. Many people would struggle with prostitution in someone’s past, but likely ultimately understand if it was a needs must situation, it’s very different when it’s on going during a relationship and it’s also part of a relationship. It’s kind of a double whammy,

I don’t think I could get past it either.

CorianderBlues · 01/02/2021 13:20

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MrsVogon · 01/02/2021 13:20

OP, I really feel for you. It's shocking behaviour and if you were my son (I have one the same age as you) I'd welcome you home and support you. Please don't feel bad, you have been utterly betrayed and taken advantage of. If people want to know why you split, you just say she cheated and that's it.

You can still be supportive of her through her pregnancy and when the baby is born, but I'd even go so far as asking for a DNA test after the birth - the fact she betrayed you for 2 years...I wouldn't trust anything else she says. If the baby is yours, fine...you can then sort out maintenance and shared custody. If it's not yours, then you owe this woman nothing more and can move on to meet someone loyal and respectful. You really deserve better than this.

LizFlowers · 01/02/2021 13:21

You were certainly deceived but it is in the past now. At least she got some money out of it, it's not like she was doing it purely for fun. I am however sorry you went on antidepressants because of her behaviour, that is a step too far. Pity she was not more discreet.

You now have a child and need to concentrate on family life. It's not likely she will get involved in anything like that again - she's been there, done it and bought the T-shirt.

All depends on how much you love each other.

LizFlowers · 01/02/2021 13:23

I should have said, "You have a child on the way". Nothing grows a woman up like having a child, that will change her, she will see things differently.

Move on.

Dean12 · 01/02/2021 13:24

@MrsVogon

OP, I really feel for you. It's shocking behaviour and if you were my son (I have one the same age as you) I'd welcome you home and support you. Please don't feel bad, you have been utterly betrayed and taken advantage of. If people want to know why you split, you just say she cheated and that's it.

You can still be supportive of her through her pregnancy and when the baby is born, but I'd even go so far as asking for a DNA test after the birth - the fact she betrayed you for 2 years...I wouldn't trust anything else she says. If the baby is yours, fine...you can then sort out maintenance and shared custody. If it's not yours, then you owe this woman nothing more and can move on to meet someone loyal and respectful. You really deserve better than this.

Thankyou, this means alot.
Dean12 · 01/02/2021 13:25

@LizFlowers

You were certainly deceived but it is in the past now. At least she got some money out of it, it's not like she was doing it purely for fun. I am however sorry you went on antidepressants because of her behaviour, that is a step too far. Pity she was not more discreet.

You now have a child and need to concentrate on family life. It's not likely she will get involved in anything like that again - she's been there, done it and bought the T-shirt.

All depends on how much you love each other.

Thankyou.
Dean12 · 01/02/2021 13:26

@LizFlowers

I should have said, "You have a child on the way". Nothing grows a woman up like having a child, that will change her, she will see things differently.

Move on.

I think i can see this too honestly. She never took the relationship serious and now she sees what im worth and what we could of been she says she regrets everything, she said she will do whatever it takes for the rest of her life.

Im split down the middle.

CorianderBlues · 01/02/2021 13:27

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Astella22 · 01/02/2021 13:29

It’s one thing to have an ‘arrangement’ with this man whatever his age, I don’t see anything wrong with that however two major lines have been crossed 1. She watched you take antidepressants which can have life changing effects on people and 2 when found out she seamed fine with telling you that this man had forced her. This is completely unacceptable she could of completely ruined this mans life all because she wanted a new phone and a car. If she is willing to throw those kind of accusations around I wonder what she might say about you in the future when you no longer fit her narrative.
This woman is definitely a danger to you.

Teardrop2021 · 01/02/2021 13:32

Op she put a 70 year old man's penis in her mouth and allowed him to ejaculate. Then she would come home and what give you a kiss be intimate with you knowing she done that. The fact you've watched videos of it, you can never you see that. Personally I think oral is a very personal Thing to do with someone. Shes not the person you thought she was.

MrsVogon · 01/02/2021 13:36

@LizFlowers

You were certainly deceived but it is in the past now. At least she got some money out of it, it's not like she was doing it purely for fun. I am however sorry you went on antidepressants because of her behaviour, that is a step too far. Pity she was not more discreet.

You now have a child and need to concentrate on family life. It's not likely she will get involved in anything like that again - she's been there, done it and bought the T-shirt.

All depends on how much you love each other.

You are totally minimising what happened to the OP "it's in the past"..."at least she got money out of it" ??

The OP doesn't have to concentrate on family life at all. He just needs to be there for his child (if it is his).

Your 'advice' is absolutely mindbogglingly..shit.

Dean12 · 01/02/2021 13:38

@Astella22

It’s one thing to have an ‘arrangement’ with this man whatever his age, I don’t see anything wrong with that however two major lines have been crossed 1. She watched you take antidepressants which can have life changing effects on people and 2 when found out she seamed fine with telling you that this man had forced her. This is completely unacceptable she could of completely ruined this mans life all because she wanted a new phone and a car. If she is willing to throw those kind of accusations around I wonder what she might say about you in the future when you no longer fit her narrative. This woman is definitely a danger to you.
I really do see your points.
Dean12 · 01/02/2021 13:39

@Teardrop2021

Op she put a 70 year old man's penis in her mouth and allowed him to ejaculate. Then she would come home and what give you a kiss be intimate with you knowing she done that. The fact you've watched videos of it, you can never you see that. Personally I think oral is a very personal Thing to do with someone. Shes not the person you thought she was.
Reading this really hit me. This is what is unforgivable, coming home to me making out she was at a female friends house for a catchup most of the time. Makes me feel sick how someone could do this
Teardrop2021 · 01/02/2021 13:42

I sorry to be so blunt but I think its needed to fully register the reality of the situation. I would have an sti test who's to say hes not the only punter.

Dean12 · 01/02/2021 13:43

@Teardrop2021

Op she put a 70 year old man's penis in her mouth and allowed him to ejaculate. Then she would come home and what give you a kiss be intimate with you knowing she done that. The fact you've watched videos of it, you can never you see that. Personally I think oral is a very personal Thing to do with someone. Shes not the person you thought she was.
She claims the oral only happened once and it was for the car. I wasnt with her when he bought her the car but i was with her when he bought her the phone
MiniTheMinx · 01/02/2021 13:43

What are her family like? what was her childhood like? She sounds very disordered.

Teardrop2021 · 01/02/2021 13:47

Op the likelihood is she gave him blowjobs, hand jobs and full sex. It would have been to cheaper to go to a prostitute rather than buy someone a new car. This was a sexual relationship with full aspects, that entails in being in a relationship. He wouldn't gave all that for one blow job and hand jobs all the time. Shes minimising and lied to you. She prostituted herself for 6 years old to a 70nyear old man.

Dean12 · 01/02/2021 13:57

@MiniTheMinx

What are her family like? what was her childhood like? She sounds very disordered.
Her dad is a useless drunk from early on, never see each other. Her mum is a lazy selfish person who used her as a Taxi, bank and agony ant and is very toxic. She grew up on a council estate and she was raped at age 8-10 i beleive by a 12ish year old boy with a disability.
Dean12 · 01/02/2021 14:02

@MiniTheMinx

What are her family like? what was her childhood like? She sounds very disordered.
If you met her in the street you would think she is very stable and normal though.
Lillygolightly · 01/02/2021 14:08

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