I didn't clean up the toys!!!

[Powwow401]

Hello all sorry I need to have a rant before I loose my mind! You might think I'm over reacting. I've been at home all day with my two year old. In between looking after her, when I've had chance I've been redecorating the kitchen. It's a big job so I'm doing it when I can. Downstairs looking like a bombs gone off. Before DH came home from work, I ran around upstairs with the hoover cleaned bathroom etc. Tidied what I could down stairs, but left the toys in the room for the baby! I was cooking tea when my husband came in and started moaning about the mess, said he shouldn't have to come home from work to clean up after us both!!! I said it's not like I've been sat on my a@se all day and it's only toys it can go away when she goes to bed. He's saying he shouldn't have to come home and clean up toys that were everywhere (I never asked him and it took 5 mins). I'm livid!! I've been flat out all day and he's moaning about a few toys in the living room. Am I overreacting??

Nor me to be honest! It hasn't made one bit of difference him not been here, I've done everything but I usually do anyway and I've had a lovely night without listening to his moaning. I think that speaks volumes

@johnd2 thank you for that advice

Why are men like this?! They expect us to do everything it drives me nuts. My OH said to me tonight “can’t you shut the door” whilst I was walking through the lounge with a tonne of wet washing?!

Where would they be without us wiping their arses?!

Sending you love- they are all pricks when they want to be

I don’t know about Johnds advice, but I would not cope with a relationship where I carried us totally on all of the housework cooking and parenting, seems more like indentured servitude to me. So I wouldn’t be making general comments about we all feel a bit hard done by. He can cook dinner Fridays from now on - you really have to pick a few things and hand home over to stop being the household slave on everything if you don’t want to just steadily value time without him more than time with him.

I think it's all very well saying that you need to listen to each other's point of view, but generally with controlling people, they will always twist and manipulate the narrative so it is their partner's fault and they never take responsibility for their own actions. I think this is what the OP needs to be careful about.

It doesn't surprise me that the OP feels happier without him there. It won't be just about the cleaning but generally (if he is controlling) you will find that you are walking on eggshells a lot more than you ever realised.

johnd2

It sounds like at the moment you are competing to be the most hard done by.

Erm, she is.

He is almost certainly going to lose, but if he loses, everyone does.

Not true
The only one who is certainly going to lose is the one treating her like a skivvy.

Op your DH sounds very manipulative. You're not being unreasonable at all

[quote Powwow401]@LannieDuck she goes to childcare a couple of days week and he has her on a Friday [/quote]
Does that mean you work 3 days/wk and he works 4 days/wk? He really should be splitting all the housework and childcare pretty equally with you.

Doesn't matter what happened in his last marriage, in this one he needs to pull his weight.

@Fiona2020

Why are men like this?! They expect us to do everything it drives me nuts. My OH said to me tonight “can’t you shut the door” whilst I was walking through the lounge with a tonne of wet washing?!

Where would they be without us wiping their arses?!

Sending you love- they are all pricks when they want to be

My dh is not like this. Men arent like this. Language that suggests all men are, means more women will accept it as normal. It isnt.

Yes, it sounds like you have a fairly equal work split - he does one more day than you. Why do you do all the housework and cooking? It's not like you're a 1950s housewife (and even if you were, he should still help).

So.... tonight he's come round, apologised for making me feel like s@@t but doesn't think there is a problem with what he said!!! Tried to explain how I felt he then said so I have to sit here for an hour while you have a go at me!! Which I wasn't I was trying to explain how I felt and why his comments hurt me so much. He's now back at his mothers by his own choice and as far as I am concerned this marriage is done!

@Powwow401 sorry to hear your latest update and that’s things couldn’t be resolved. As I said in a previous post it was never really about the toys. How are you feeling now you’ve made the decision to end the marriage? Are you planning on telling him soon or getting your ducks in a row first?
🤗 💐

@DigitalChristmas your right it wasn't just about the toys it was the straw that broke the camels back really. I think the sudden realisation that he has no respect for me and he doesn't care just hit me tonight. I've told him it's over and he's gone he can collect his stuff once I've had time pack it up. Duckies all sorted lol I bought this house myself before we got married the mortgage is my name only and I bought a house I could afford. I have sorted out childcare so I don't need to be dependent on him for it. And there isn't really anything to sort out x

I'm sorry thst he hasn't bern reasonable. We can all get frustrated and grumpy but he seems intent on not making amends. What was he apologising for?

I hope finances are ok but worth checking, how long have you been married?

You are so strong

Well done

How dare he make you feel that way xxx

@Powwow401for what it’s worth I would speak to a lawyer if you have not already done so and confirm that he does not have a claim on the house.

So....two ex wives, both lazy ungrateful bitches who leave him to do "everything" and he isnt the problem?

Might be worth sending him the dictionary definition of Common Demoniator.

Who instigated the split with his ex? I have a hunch that it wasnt him......

"My dh is not like this. Men arent like this. Language that suggests all men are, means more women will accept it as normal. It isnt."

Exactly.

A lot of men are like this, but it's not a given.

Far better single than yoked to one of these manbabies.

@PyongyangKipperbang

So....two ex wives, both lazy ungrateful bitches who leave him to do "everything" and he isnt the problem?

Might be worth sending him the dictionary definition of Common Demoniator.

Who instigated the split with his ex? I have a hunch that it wasnt him......

Hopefully GFs 3 and 4 are MNers. Save them some time and effort.

Her play is her work and her toys are her tools. This is her home too and she was using them.

He needs to understand that playing is how she learns and develops. It can't just stop because it looks untidy.

Any decent father would join in and support her play to help her to learn.

He is clearly not a decent father or husband.

Glad to hear you have come to a decision and i hope things are not too difficult going forward.
Just to clarify for people who replied to my post - i advised based on the assumption that the op wanted to sort things out and maintain the relationship, but of course that is not always the case, but the aim is that the op gets what they want and is comfortable with that decision.
Best of luck op as it sounds like you have made the right decision and are moving on!

Yes, it sounds like he is the common (weak) link in these failed relationships. You do practically everything anyway so why not have your house to yourself with no nasty atmosphere while you do it. Do get child maintenance sorted out pronto though.

Well done OP.

So lovely to read about a woman not accepting her waste of space husband and his guff.

Only a man who does very little housework and childcare would come home and behave like such a twat.

Make sure you tell his mother that him not being in the house makes absolutely no difference to your workload with the children and probably will make life easier for you.

I don't think for a second he did everything in his last marriage.

Two marriages behind him, a waster.

Well done for not accepting this as the rest of your life.

You were painting as well, you sound amazing.

What a twat.

Clearly he has had it far to easy for far too long.

Stay strong

His problem is that he’s spoiled rotten. He has manipulated you into competing with a mythical woman (lie), you have been well trained and indoctrinated. You are waking up now and you are angry, this is a healthy response. Well done.

You sound so capable and high energy, perhaps he is jealous of your abilities. Any man would thank his lucky stars and bathe you in praise. You’re a catch, he’s a miserable, ungrateful, lazy, gaslighting, brat baby. You can do better. For now, sounds like you need a massive rest from his slave-driving! Good riddance to bad rubbish.

@Techway he's sorry the comment upset me but not sorry about saying it he well whiting rights too apparently! We've only been married 4 years, I'm not concerned about the house to be honest, he's currently in the process of trying to sort out how the funds of the house he actually had a mortgage on with his ex wife.

@dublingirl66 thank you I'm trying to be