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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I didn't clean up the toys!!!

178 replies

Powwow401 · 31/01/2021 21:00

Hello all sorry I need to have a rant before I loose my mind! You might think I'm over reacting. I've been at home all day with my two year old. In between looking after her, when I've had chance I've been redecorating the kitchen. It's a big job so I'm doing it when I can. Downstairs looking like a bombs gone off. Before DH came home from work, I ran around upstairs with the hoover cleaned bathroom etc. Tidied what I could down stairs, but left the toys in the room for the baby! I was cooking tea when my husband came in and started moaning about the mess, said he shouldn't have to come home from work to clean up after us both!!! I said it's not like I've been sat on my a@se all day and it's only toys it can go away when she goes to bed. He's saying he shouldn't have to come home and clean up toys that were everywhere (I never asked him and it took 5 mins). I'm livid!! I've been flat out all day and he's moaning about a few toys in the living room. Am I overreacting??

OP posts:
Maybe83 · 31/01/2021 22:32

A complete and utter over reaction by both of you.

If you can't have a disagreement over something without either of you being expected to be thrown out of your home then you have bigger problems than some toys on a sofa.

Original poster
Powwow401 · 31/01/2021 22:35

@Audreyhelp

He made a comment about toys . When I used to work and my husband had kids it was rubbish coming home to a messy house . I probably moaned as I was tired from working , Thang god he didn’t kick me out.
But he didn't just make a comment about some toys! He said he shouldn't have to come home from work to clean up the whole house!! Which I had done and the decorating. All he did was pick up some toys which actually didn't need to put away till after the baby's bedtime. I work and never once have I complained about toys in the room when I've got home or about anything been done. I understand how hard it is to keep a toddler entertained all day and get anything done. But in this instance I had cleaned the whole house, done the washing was preparing tea and repainted most of the kitchen.
OP posts:
Original poster
Powwow401 · 31/01/2021 22:36

@Wishitsnows

Good on you for kicking him out for the night and not being a doormat and putting up with his shit. Hopefully this will nip it in the bud and he will be more thankful for what you do.
I hope so 🤞
OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 31/01/2021 22:36

@Maybe83

Yes
This relationship will end for good-if this is how you both deal with disagreements

Original poster
Powwow401 · 31/01/2021 22:37

@MessAllOver

I think you need to lower expectations here. I don't normally cook for my DH but I made the mistake of having a baking weekend last week and making homemade sourdough and banana bread, which I shared with him. Cue a very disappointed face yesterday when he woke up to an absence of freshly baked goods. I would have found it sad if I had a heart, which I don't. To me, it was just a sign of male presumption. This is how the West was lost.

Why don't you forget the cleaning and have a few carpet picnics with the toddler for the next few days to realign expectations? If he asks, tell him that you're statutorily entitled to 20 days' holiday a year from your role as household genie and you've decided to take a few half days. And that he'd better not get you started on the subject of overtime...

Lol good idea
OP posts:
Kokosrieksts · 31/01/2021 22:38

I’m more interested in how do you manage to paint with a 2 year old in the house?

He’s being very unreasonable.

Original poster
Powwow401 · 31/01/2021 22:39

@Kokosrieksts

I’m more interested in how do you manage to paint with a 2 year old in the house?

He’s being very unreasonable.

Bloody hard work lol which to be honest I was really impressed about till he got home giving me s@@t
OP posts:
Original poster
Powwow401 · 31/01/2021 22:40

@Maybe83

A complete and utter over reaction by both of you.

If you can't have a disagreement over something without either of you being expected to be thrown out of your home then you have bigger problems than some toys on a sofa.

I'm sure once the dust settles we'll both agree with you tomorrow
OP posts:
Maybe83 · 31/01/2021 22:45

I understand you saying you don't want you DD to witness you i don't know arguing but conflict is part of any relationship.

I think its much more unhealthy not to be able to resolve issues with out her waking up to one or the other of you not there because you had an argument.

Obviously you need to have a conversation about your expectations of each other but equally learning to communicate in a way that doesn't mean either of you have to leave for the night because you couldn't resolve it.

Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 31/01/2021 22:46

How much does he do with your child and how much housework and cooking in a normal week? Does he usually celebrate your successes with you?

Original poster
Powwow401 · 31/01/2021 22:48

@Maybe83

I understand you saying you don't want you DD to witness you i don't know arguing but conflict is part of any relationship.

I think its much more unhealthy not to be able to resolve issues with out her waking up to one or the other of you not there because you had an argument.

Obviously you need to have a conversation about your expectations of each other but equally learning to communicate in a way that doesn't mean either of you have to leave for the night because you couldn't resolve it.

I agree completely
OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 31/01/2021 22:48

My husband came home once (and only once) complaining about my mess! 3 year old abs toddler twins.

I asked him to go a find ‘my mess’ because I think he’d find ‘his children’s mess’ !!

He lowered his expectation considerably!

I’m not the unpaid skivvy!

Original poster
Powwow401 · 31/01/2021 22:51

@Beforethetakingoftoastandtea

How much does he do with your child and how much housework and cooking in a normal week? Does he usually celebrate your successes with you?
He does a bit of ironing but usually moans about it. He never cooks, I lie I think he's cooked twice in 5 years, I even cook when I've come back from work. He might run the hoover round on a Friday while I'm at work. I put the baby to bed every night bath her etc. It's exhausting and then not to be appreciated either it's disheartening and makes me feel like s@@t, when I do everything I possibly can to keep the house together so he has to do as little as possible.
OP posts:
Original poster
Powwow401 · 31/01/2021 22:53

@BluebellsGreenbells

My husband came home once (and only once) complaining about my mess! 3 year old abs toddler twins.

I asked him to go a find ‘my mess’ because I think he’d find ‘his children’s mess’ !!

He lowered his expectation considerably!

I’m not the unpaid skivvy!

I did say it was his daughters mess not mine it didn't make a blind bit of difference. He shouldnt have to do it end off!
OP posts:
Original poster
Powwow401 · 31/01/2021 22:56

@Maybe83
She was still up and the atmosphere was terrible 😣

OP posts:
Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 31/01/2021 23:20

Im going to find you an article to read.

What behaviours of his do you love?

PickAChew · 31/01/2021 23:22

Who does he think he is? Your boss?

feelingfree17 · 31/01/2021 23:23

Sounds like his day is over
Yours is far from over
He can pick the toys up and any other jobs to help you
Why is he so entitled? You need to nip that in the bud
Thank you for the wonderful work you do as a nurse.

Itstimetoquit · 31/01/2021 23:23

Tell him to f* off,and don't tidy up after him dishes,laundry.....x

Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 31/01/2021 23:26

Actually, thenarticleninwasnrhinking of isnt relevant as your husband is far, far worse.

Does he bring joy to your life?

Original poster
Powwow401 · 31/01/2021 23:36

@PickAChew I don't know 🙁 but clearly now when he gets home form work the house is suppose to spotless and he shouldn't have to anything. I can't live like that

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 31/01/2021 23:36

I have my husband the riot act

Whilst at work he could drink coffee in peace, go to the toilet, have a lunch hour, read the paper on the the train, go for a pint after work, take a days holiday and get paid for it, have sick days. He also used to fly all over the world (remember those days?)

Bed time is the hardest part of the day, bed bath story tea clean kitchen pack bags for the next day sort washing and a quick tidy round, plus shower or hair wash for me!!

Damn right he nicked in!!

My day walks 24/7 he doesn’t get to duck out!

Anyway he bucked his ideas up - I gave him choices - bath or story? Cook tea or wash up? Fold washing or vacuum round?

Seemed to work!

Original poster
Powwow401 · 31/01/2021 23:37

@feelingfree17 thank you means a lot. It's been an emotional roller coaster the last few months, don't really need the drama at home too I'm doing my best 🙁

OP posts:
Original poster
Powwow401 · 31/01/2021 23:39

@Itstimetoquit I won't be anymore!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Powwow401 · 31/01/2021 23:41

@BluebellsGreenbells I've tried! When he's in a good mood it's fine but when he's in a bad mood for no apparent reason to me he shouldn't have to do anything! Because apparently in his last marriage he did everything and he thinks he shouldn't do it now! Although I pretty much do every thing. I know I work part time, but I'm home schooling my son and looking after a toddler all day 😩

OP posts:
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