Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I didn't clean up the toys!!!

178 replies

Powwow401 · 31/01/2021 21:00

Hello all sorry I need to have a rant before I loose my mind! You might think I'm over reacting. I've been at home all day with my two year old. In between looking after her, when I've had chance I've been redecorating the kitchen. It's a big job so I'm doing it when I can. Downstairs looking like a bombs gone off. Before DH came home from work, I ran around upstairs with the hoover cleaned bathroom etc. Tidied what I could down stairs, but left the toys in the room for the baby! I was cooking tea when my husband came in and started moaning about the mess, said he shouldn't have to come home from work to clean up after us both!!! I said it's not like I've been sat on my a@se all day and it's only toys it can go away when she goes to bed. He's saying he shouldn't have to come home and clean up toys that were everywhere (I never asked him and it took 5 mins). I'm livid!! I've been flat out all day and he's moaning about a few toys in the living room. Am I overreacting??

OP posts:
LizFlowers · 01/02/2021 01:15

It's quite normal for toys to be lying around when you have children. I assume they weren't dirty, they don't need cleaning, just putting away but not necessarily by you.

He shouldn't come in and start barking about the mess, you've had a busy day.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/02/2021 01:20

I'd love to know what his ex thinks.

BlackCatShadow · 01/02/2021 01:22

@MrsTerryPratchett

I'd love to know what his ex thinks.
Yes! Me, too!

He sounds quite manipulative really. I wonder if he was really left doing everything with his Ex or he was just expecting things done to a very high standard and felt hard done by when things weren't perfect.

I think there is a lot more to all this than just this one argument. He doesn't sound very nice at all. I'd think long and hard about whether you actually want him back home. Maybe take a few days and see how you feel without him.

Jeremyironseverything · 01/02/2021 01:24

Well hopefully he'll think twice before he comes out with something stupid like that again.

DigitalChristmas · 01/02/2021 01:39

@Jeremyironseverything

Well hopefully he'll think twice before he comes out with something stupid like that again.
The thing is it’s not just about saying it, it is the fact that this is his expectation in the first place.Even when op explained how much she had done he didn’t backtrack and apologise for his behaviour.
TheOtherBoelynGirl · 01/02/2021 02:04

My husband regularly looks after the baby for the day but he never cleans up or tidies at the same time. He does say he has no idea how I do it, and if there is mess when he gets home, he will just help tidy up. He gets how hard it is. I think a lot of men don't.

Good for you for standing up to him, I'm sick of seeing the endless moaning on here but never a solution nor anything but moaning.

timeisnotaline · 01/02/2021 02:17

The op is under reacting if anything. She works parttime, is homeschooling, parenting a toddler, does 100% of the cooking, at least 90% of the cleaning and he moans about what he does, all the evening parenting too... throw in renovating and her dh should worship the ground she walks on. He can go back to his ex if he was such a wonderful guy in that marriage, that was clearly his best self and he’s declined a long way since.

Ops post as a reminder:
He does a bit of ironing but usually moans about it. He never cooks, I lie I think he's cooked twice in 5 years, I even cook when I've come back from work. He might run the hoover round on a Friday while I'm at work. I put the baby to bed every night bath her etc. It's exhausting and then not to be appreciated either it's disheartening and makes me feel like s@@t*, when I do everything I possibly can to keep the house together so he has to do as little as possible.

AviciaJones · 01/02/2021 02:19

I don’t believe he did all the cleaning for his ex wife either OP. He probably emptied the dishwasher once and thought to himself...I do everything around here.

AviciaJones · 01/02/2021 02:22

I will rephrase that seeing he shouldn’t had done cleaning for his ex wife.

He should have done cleaning because he is an adult male and no wife is there to clean up after him.

Ungrateful, lazy sod he is!

Didkdt · 01/02/2021 02:40

One on op nobody deserves to be made to feel like he’s made you feel
Well done on the kitchen I’m in awe at everything you achieved and he should be too

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/02/2021 02:51

[quote Powwow401]@MrsTerryPratchett I think he feels she took advantage of him and he didn't stand up for himself, so apparently he's now standing up for himself and refuses to be treated like that again, although it's a completely different situation we are talking about [/quote]
It sounds as if he’s punishing you for what his ex wife was like. Idk if he’s exaggerating about doing everything or if he really did. One thing for sure, he’s saying this as a way to control you. In this context, I therefore can understand your very strong reaction. When the dust settles, you are going to need to have a very hard conversation about judging you and punishing you because of his past. He’s bringing a lot of baggage to this marriage and by the sound of it, it won’t last if he doesn’t change his behaviour. We all know statistically second marriage break up figures are higher than first ones.

everythingbackbutyou · 01/02/2021 02:53

@Powwow401, I swear that at this moment my stbxh is busy telling his new girlfriend (who will think she has won the relationship lottery) that he used to do everything around the house too. He would come in from work and have a tantrum about the state of the house and the fact that his 2 preschoolers were being presumptious enough to play with their toys. It seems to me that your h wanted to put you firmly in your place so that you didn't go around being all proud of your day's accomplishments or anything ghastly like that.

1forAll74 · 01/02/2021 03:04

Does he not know how to bend down and put some toys away. I wouldn't even react to what he said, as it's all so pathetic of him to make such stupid comments.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/02/2021 03:46

Just come back to the thread. My comment wasn’t very clear. But I also meant that perhaps he is like everythingback’s ex, ie a controlling bullshitter. It isn’t normal to be angry that some of your child’s toys are out, especially if they’re playing with them.

CraftyYankee · 01/02/2021 20:06

Is he back today OP?

Original poster
Powwow401 · 01/02/2021 20:46

Nope! He kind of apologised saying he didn't mean to upset me followed up by he was frustrated it felt he had to clean up when he got in from work. And how dare he get annoyed at something, and when he has a problem it's his fault 🤷‍♀️ so I've just left it for today. He doesn't get my point and I don't get his either. He said he cleaned up without a fuss and wasn't moaning! Which kind of confused me to be honest

OP posts:
Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 01/02/2021 20:50

He said he cleaned up without a fuss and wasn't moaning! Which kind of confused me to be honest
Why are you confused?

Original poster
Powwow401 · 01/02/2021 20:54

Because if he hadn't been moaning he wouldn't have said he shouldn't have to come home from work to clean up after us two and the argument would never have taken place. If that makes sense

OP posts:
Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 01/02/2021 20:57

It makes sense to me. I wanst sure you understood.

BloggersBlog · 01/02/2021 21:00

So he's wangled himself a couple of kid free days AND painted himself the injured party!! Mr Manipulative is on to a winner

LannieDuck · 01/02/2021 21:09

Who looks after DC on the days you work? In one of your posts, you said he might run a hoover around the house on Fridays - does he look after LO then?

I'd like to suggest that on Friday, he looks after DC and gets the painting done and cooks your dinner... and obviously ensure the house is immaculate too. I'm sure it won't be a problem for him.

Original poster
Powwow401 · 01/02/2021 21:10

I know!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Powwow401 · 01/02/2021 21:11

@LannieDuck she goes to childcare a couple of days week and he has her on a Friday

OP posts:
johnd2 · 01/02/2021 21:28

Gosh everything on here gets turned into a battle with no winners!
Also his ex is totally irrelevant, even if he used to juggle carving knives blindfolded for her when he got in from work, that's a different relationship and it also doesn't matter what she thinks about it.
I think from the updates he is back tracking and does kind of understand now.
Remember he is totally allowed to feel frustrated about the mess, and he's done the right thing in explaining, and you need to accept that he felt that way at that moment and that's ok. But he does need to deal with that in a healthy way.
The same goes for you, you need to explain how you felt when he came in and made that comment, and he needs to listen and accept that.
It sounds like at the moment you are competing to be the most hard done by. He is almost certainly going to lose, but if he loses, everyone does.
Try to keep communicating and remember each of you has different feelings but that's ok, the main thing is to use them to react in a healthy way.
And i hope he starts doing more as a result!
Good luck.

timeisnotaline · 01/02/2021 22:12

I don’t really see the point of him op.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread