He won’t propose because he’s saving for a house

[Waitingfornothing]

I’ve been with my DP for 3 years. We are both 34. We’ve always said, from the start, we want to get married, buy a house and have children and I’ve always stipulated I want to be married before we have children and I’m aware of how being 34 I’m running out of time.

Between us we’ve got a substantial amount saved for a deposit, this is mostly from me as I had more savings from before we were together. We are pretty much ready to buy just waiting for a house to come up that we like.

Back in July 2020 he asked me what sort of engagement rings I liked and what was my size. I sent him several links, and got my finger measured. DP is not a huge planner, so I thought that a proposal must be coming very soon. Nothing happened, we went on holiday in August and I half expected a proposal and nothing. I’d often see other rings I liked and show these to him to. He’d say “oh lovely but let’s wait til we’ve bought a house as I can save more once we’ve got that secured”. I have sent him links to more rings which are £200-300, have offered that I pay half of my ring myself, but he says no he wants to do it ‘properly’ and there he’d always feel inadequate if I paid half. I started wondering if whether he doesn’t want to get married at all, so in December I said shall we just look at booking the registry office for 2021 sometime, we actually had the website open looking at potential dates - to which he said no, he wants to propose to me properly in a romantic way and that he only asked for ring ideas last summer so he had an idea of what I liked for ‘when it was time in the future’.

I have brought this all up again today, about how I am essentially waiting for him to decide it is the ‘right time’ and how it could still take months for us to move into a house even if we made an offer today. He feels bad that I took the looking at rings last year as a sign it was happening soon, but is adamant he wants to put all of his spare cash into the house fund for now. Part of me feels this is sensible but part of me is worried he doesn’t actually want to marry me and that after we buy a house there’ll be a new item he needs to save for. He has been engaged before, I asked whether he had reservations because of this and he says absolutely not.

I’m torn between backing off and seeing what happens after we do buy a house (but I fear I’ll be in a mess if we then have to sell and break up because he still won’t seal the deal), and walking away now. I’m feeling hurt today by it all and DP has now gone out for a walk because he is upset that I feel this way

I would walk away now because he has and will continue to string you along and otherwise future fake you.

God, the power that you're giving him, to make a decision which - if it goes the wrong way - means that you won't have children.

Is the cost of a ring even going to make a big dent in savings for a house?

I’ve never understood these women waiting to be proposed to.

You’ve already decided you’re getting married so you’re already engaged. That’s what deciding to get married is.

I couldn't be doing with this OP. You're adults and you can afford it. In my opinion his ridiculous notion of waiting for the right time to propose is childish.

I think you're right to be wary about commiting to buy a house together. He knows marriage is important to you and it's been 3 years. The constant mention of waiting for the right time is just stringing you along, and I suspect there isn't going to be a right time.

Would the house be in both names? Keep your Investment safe.

Tell him what you want and why. Show him statistics on fertility changes post 35. Make a plan together.

He won't propose because he's saving for a house? No, he won't propose because he doesn't want to. Its really that simple. I think the ring conversation in August was to throw you and keep you hanging on for another 6 months ( it worked!) he even admitted he had no intention of buying a ring!
Stop giving this man all the power over your life, why does he get to decide everything while you stand there wringing your hands and hoping for a proposal? When he gets back from his flounce just ask him outright 'I want to get married this year, if that's not something you want too then we need to have a discussion' stop being a bystander in your own life, don't you deserve a bit more than that?

I agree with pp. He is putting it on the long finger and time will pass and nothing will change apart from you getting frustrated, upset and angry. I would definitely not go into buying a house with him.

Stop taking about rings and start taking about marriage. If you want to be married, say so. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money.

this is so frustrating op. I agree with posters asking if you're a bystander in your own life? surely you're not a delicate princess waiting for the prince? take sole control of your life. Either you both to get married or you need to put your needs first before its too late.

If you're not going to be married before you buy the house, make sure you take legal advice to ensure your "share" replicates your larger contribution.

Of course, if you marry, that would be irrelevant, but while you're not married he's not entitled to anything of yours.

I'm not sure you want to marry him if that's what sways him though.

I think you need to step right away while he decides what he does want from his relationship with you. Is it really marriage, or the expectation that that will lead to kids, that he's avoiding, for example?

I think he is using it as an excuse. I would also walk away although I appreciate that probably isn’t easy for you or what you want to hear.

Sorry to be blunt, but he doesn’t want to get married and is blatantly stalling. Do not buy a house with this man!

He’s stringing you along.

He’s not not proposing because he wants to buy a house... he’s not proposing because he doesn’t want to. It doesn’t matter why that is. He can fit any number of excuses into that sentence...

Realistically you don’t want to talk him into it, so you need to level with him. You’ve already invested a lot into this. If he doesn’t want to be married, where does that leave you? Do you not want children if you’re not married, or do you not want this relationship at all?

I’ve been there and it was shit. I was strung along for years. I convinced myself mumsnet was wrong and his reasons made sense. I even proposed myself, he turned me down, and I believed his bollocks about him wanting to propose...

Years later, I’m married to a man who wanted to propose and did it. It was a complete surprise, wonderful, and not at all upsetting or stressful. And while there’s always something else you can be putting money towards, it was lovely to know that he wanted it as much as I did. He’s every bit as into this as I am.

He doesn't want to get married to you OP and is stalling and wasting valuable years of your life. Please take your savings and leave him while you can still meet someone else and have kids.

Even if you do persuade him to marry you, I bet there will be a reason he will want to put off having children too. I can't stress enough that he is wasting your time. If a man truly wants to marry you then he will propose as soon as he can.

Na. Call his bluff. Tell him if you ain’t getting married you sure as hell ain’t buying a house with him either.
Tbh I don’t think he’s the romantic he’s trying to make out!

Why do so many women end up waiting for 'a proposal'?

You say: We’ve always said, from the start, we want to get married - so you do not need a proposal - you have already agreed to get married. All you need to do is to arrange a wedding. All this needs to cost is whatever the current register office fee is - there is no law that says you need rings, let alone expensive rings.

Tell him you want to get married before you buy a house - at minimal cost. If he won't do it then he's probably never going to do it.

Sadly, I think he is dragging his feet for no good reason. I wouldn't buy a house with him because you know he isn't keen to marry in 2021. If you buy a house and he strings you along a couple more years for marriage and then children, you are trapped trying to detangle your finances and living situation while you lose the chance to have a family with someone else.
You aren't on the same page.
How would you feel if you walked away? Can you see yourself happy with someone else? Is he enough with no guarantee of marriage or children? If you look into the future and you share a house as partners, but no children when you're 50, would being with him be enough for you?

I would say this guy is holding out long enough to use your money to get him a house and then once you’re financially tied to him he can string out the proposal and wedding plans for ages because you’ve already invested in the house and it will be a costly nightmare to untangle if you leave.

Op I'm sorry it must be upsetting, but I agree with the others. He should not have this much power over your life. Weddings don't have to be a big expensive affair. It all sounds like an excuse. You need to have a proper honest conversation, and be prepared to walk away if that's what it comes down to. Far better that you find out now than to waste another 3 years of your life being strung along.

I'm afraid to say I agree with everyone else. it definitely sounds as if he is stalling and is not that keen to get married. If you really want kids and marriage, you may need to walk away. At 34, I think it would be unwise to let this situation drift on as it is for much longer.

I agree with all the pp. She I got engaged we bad just come out of uni, living in a mouldy flat but he stil managed to save up ' albeit it wasn't a huge amount, but the thought and commitment was there. How expensive are the rings you're looking at?!?

He is stalling, and you are letting him. Take back the power- he is not the only one who can make decisions, this is your fertility he is trifling with.

OP isn't waiting for a proposal - she said she had the register office page open and asked if they could book a wedding date this year and he said no, he wants to propose!

Sounds like he wants your money to help secure a house he wouldn't otherwise be able to afford, and is using a "proposal" as a carrot to sweeten you to part with your money. If you've been dating for 3 years he knows you more than well enough already so why the delay in proposing?

You've given him so much power. Find the feminist in you and stop letting him string you along. Once he's got the house, he has you right where he wants you. You'll be a lot less likely leave him because you'll be hanging on hoping for proposal, plus you're tied to a house you've sunken considerable money into. The bonus for him is that he then has all the benefits of marriage from you and you'll be on good behaviour since you want a proposal, but he has none of the legal responsibilities of marriage. He's very unlikely to propose in this scenario. Sure, he may want to get married but as a man with all the fertility time in the world, that might not be with you but another future woman.

Walk away now, or be clear with him that you'll only buy a house once you're married. A proposal ultimately means nothing and could be used as a stalling tactic. It's the marriage that counts.