He won’t propose because he’s saving for a house

[Waitingfornothing]

I’ve been with my DP for 3 years. We are both 34. We’ve always said, from the start, we want to get married, buy a house and have children and I’ve always stipulated I want to be married before we have children and I’m aware of how being 34 I’m running out of time.

Between us we’ve got a substantial amount saved for a deposit, this is mostly from me as I had more savings from before we were together. We are pretty much ready to buy just waiting for a house to come up that we like.

Back in July 2020 he asked me what sort of engagement rings I liked and what was my size. I sent him several links, and got my finger measured. DP is not a huge planner, so I thought that a proposal must be coming very soon. Nothing happened, we went on holiday in August and I half expected a proposal and nothing. I’d often see other rings I liked and show these to him to. He’d say “oh lovely but let’s wait til we’ve bought a house as I can save more once we’ve got that secured”. I have sent him links to more rings which are £200-300, have offered that I pay half of my ring myself, but he says no he wants to do it ‘properly’ and there he’d always feel inadequate if I paid half. I started wondering if whether he doesn’t want to get married at all, so in December I said shall we just look at booking the registry office for 2021 sometime, we actually had the website open looking at potential dates - to which he said no, he wants to propose to me properly in a romantic way and that he only asked for ring ideas last summer so he had an idea of what I liked for ‘when it was time in the future’.

I have brought this all up again today, about how I am essentially waiting for him to decide it is the ‘right time’ and how it could still take months for us to move into a house even if we made an offer today. He feels bad that I took the looking at rings last year as a sign it was happening soon, but is adamant he wants to put all of his spare cash into the house fund for now. Part of me feels this is sensible but part of me is worried he doesn’t actually want to marry me and that after we buy a house there’ll be a new item he needs to save for. He has been engaged before, I asked whether he had reservations because of this and he says absolutely not.

I’m torn between backing off and seeing what happens after we do buy a house (but I fear I’ll be in a mess if we then have to sell and break up because he still won’t seal the deal), and walking away now. I’m feeling hurt today by it all and DP has now gone out for a walk because he is upset that I feel this way

I’d walk away ,and take the substantial deposit you have with you
Definitely mucking you about ,very controlling of him as well .
Definitely walk

You need to bite the bullet here.

For a start, why the fuck is it house , marriage and babies? Hmm? Who decided that actually, you'd be doing it a non-traditional way which meant... ooh yes that he gets the big investment of YOUR money before any of hte other commitments are made?

I don't think so.

It's probably not going to be easy but having a massive row and withstanding a lot of manipulation is much, much easier than the sorrow of remaining childless when you want a family. And seriously, that's what you're risking here.

When he gets back from his manipulation walk with his oh-so-sorrowful face, sit him down and tell him you are done with this. That you are genuinely worried that the loser here could be you and your fertility. There will be no house buying until you're married. You will not be investing your savings in a house with him until you are married, and also - trying for a baby. You are 35 next. It's not something you're going to compromise on.

Small engagement ring, not a problem.
Small wedding, not a problem.
Quick registry do so that you can start househunting and trying for a baby, then have big celebration later (post Covid) - not a problem.

But there will be no signing for a house from your end, or a mortgage, until you're legally married.

The end.

He won't like it. But to be honest, you need to know NOW whether he's simply thoughtless and selfish and a bit cold-feet about everything except the bits which mean he gets £££, OR he could be genuinely stringing you along to get a house/deposit chunk/better mortgage with absolutely no intention of marrying you.

Don't avoid this difficult conversation or you could easily end up childless.

The only other side I can offer is that quite a lot of men do find the prospect of getting married quite daunting and might see living together as 'enough' of a commitment.
But, I think it will be easier for him to keep putting it off once you live together. Hold out for what you want but be prepared to walk away. If you do want children time is increasingly not on your side.

And yes - hell's bells, if those house savings are in a joint account get your money out RIGHT NOW and put it somewhere he can't get it. BEFORE you have this chat.

Don't be trusting. Don't take chances.

Take the money out before you even raise this with him. It will also show him that you're serious.

Dear God,

Be careful.
Move YOUR money out of any savingd account.

Please do not be so naive.

You are being played and utterly humiliated by a man who simply isn't honest with you.

Agree with all above.

Do NOT buy a house with a man who is stringing you along.

Protect your money.

Men like this annoy me, they mess around wasting the woman's fertile years away knowing their own doesn't have an expiry date. Dangling a carrot with no real intention of acting on their promises, it's so utterly selfish.
Sorry to say I think he's enjoying the control of making you wait.
I would walk away now. A £200-300 ring would not affect buying a house. He's pulling excuses out his arse and messing you around. How many more years do you wait?
Use your money on your own deposit and find someone who actually wants the same as you.

Don’t give him any inclination that anything is wrong .,but do move your money out of the joint account ASAP ..
When you have done that ,and got all your stuff from his house ,then end it
Don’t give him chance to clear out your joint bank account,this happened to a friend of mine

My brother has done this with his partner. Had to wait till they bought a house, then they have to wait till he has done it up. It’s bull shit though as the house will never be done as they don’t earn enough to do the work he wants. Then there is the ‘no kids till we are married’ which is a piss take because they ain’t getting married.

The issue is deep down he doesn’t want kids and all it entails. So he’d rather keep the carrot dangling in front of his lovely GF - 15 years he has dragged it out.

Every now and again he will talk about what kind of wedding he wants - Caribbean blah blah just to make it look as if it’s there - in the far off distance. But it’s bollocks.

OP it’s perfectly ok to say - ‘I want to get married and I think we should pick a date’ all the ‘I want it to be romantic’ is just stalling. As women we shouldn’t have to let men do all the deciding of when they allow you to get married. He either wants to or not. And if he does then he needs to pick a date rather than fucking about.

Some huge assumptions being made by posters here and such flippancy. He could actually be being sensible and saving for a house in a very uncertain time, particularly when planning weddings is concerned.

The answer is of course talk to him, if you are concerned about buying without a commitment of marriage then tell him that.

Also, no need to ask for a proposal, this isn’t the 50s, if you want to get married ask him!

I would explain to him that I have a legitimate concern about my fertility and financial vulnerability for taking maternity leave and having a child when not married. I don’t think someone could really love me if they did not care about these things.

You've got to realise too - this isn't necessarily about him being a total con man.

It's more likely that he's not fussed about kids. And being slightly selfish, he's happy to strong you along so he gets the bit he does want - to get on the housing ladder - while making the right noises about the bits he's not bothered about - marriage and kids.

Once you buy with him, even if you protect your deposit etc - he's basically got the bits he wants and you have no leverage.

You need to be blunt in protecting your interests. Just in case this is what you're actually dealing with.

No marriage, no TTC = no house and none of my deposit.

Walk away.
He’s had plenty of chances to propose, it sounds as though he wants to tie you in financially first, which is not good.

He can propose with a place holder ring and get a 'proper' ring later when he can afford it.

We did that and I love both my rings

So now you know... He isn't keen on getting married, doesn't want kids and is taking the easy way out of an honest and uncomfortable conversation.

What do YOU want and how are you going to get it?

Cos he has his life sorted!

You need to start talking about marriage as that’s what you want, there is no reason you cant have a small wedding and still move into a house together

Personally I would be saying just that, that I want marriage with a small wedding before buying a house together. I would also be putting a timescale of 9 months on it, then if there is no wedding I would be walking

Do not buy the house..put your input to the savings into your own account, he can do the same with his savings. Sorry to say I think he is leading you up the garden path.

@ABJ1

I think the op has already made it blatently obvious that she wnats to get married, other than clubbing him on the head and dragging him by his hair down the ailse how much more obvious could she be.

And i'm also sure that he realises entirely how financially uncertain times are hense the need to utilize op's money for a deposit.

I think he is stringing you along to get your money into a house. Sorry.

@cooldarkroom

Tell him you are not jointly buying a house without being married first.

This. And make sure that your money is yours, and your contribution will be legally recognised. I will also add my voice to the view that he is stalling. He reminds me of my ex. Lovely bloke BUT put off marrying me for 9 years until I'd had enough. Has been engaged to two women since me with no intention of marrying again ever. (he was married before I met him) BTW I met my current partner at 39, DC1 at 40 DC2 at 44. It's not too late.

He doesn’t want to get married -sorry op

Stop letting him lead you on like this and bloody well protect your investment, get a deed written up that you own the percentage you’ve put in and get it back on sale. Your solicitor will do it as part of the purchase. You need to buy assuming you’re not getting married.

@willFOURbagsbeenough

I’ve never understood these women waiting to be proposed to.

You’ve already decided you’re getting married so you’re already engaged. That’s what deciding to get married is.

But she isn’t. She’s suggested just getting married and he’s said no to that too.

For a start, why the fuck is it house , marriage and babies? Hmm? Who decided that actually, you'd be doing it a non-traditional way which meant

To be fair its not the traditional way but it is the more common way for our generation. Nearly everyone I know bar one went in that order.

Its actually safer for your cash if you buy as tenants in common without being married and ring fence your deposits.

You did the right thing by suggesting booking a date and getting on with it. I’m afraid you did the wrong thing letting him fob you off again by insisting on a proposal.

Excellent points made about moving your money immediately if it’s in an account he can access. And you could have a last cards on the table chat asking why exactly he thinks his wishes hold more weight than yours. But I agree that he’s treating you like a mug at the moment. He’s not sorry you’re upset he’s been stringing you along. He’s annoyed you’ve realised he’s been stringing you along. When someone wants to get married they get on with getting married. You don’t need a proposal. It’s not up to just one person in the couple. You don’t need a ring. An engagement is a promise or intention to wed. We decided to get married, booked a date a couple of months off and got married. I love jewellery so DH got me a not very expensive ring to mark it but we were “engaged” from the date we decided to book the date.

While a proposal might seem romantic, being led up the garden path like this isn’t at all.

You deserve more. You deserve honesty, respect and a husband who shares your dreams for the future.

Please don’t settle for less.

It’s just my opinion that everyone is thinking the worst based on assumptions. She may think she’s been clear that’s only one side.