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Original poster

He won’t propose because he’s saving for a house

303 replies

Waitingfornothing · 31/01/2021 13:53

I’ve been with my DP for 3 years. We are both 34. We’ve always said, from the start, we want to get married, buy a house and have children and I’ve always stipulated I want to be married before we have children and I’m aware of how being 34 I’m running out of time.

Between us we’ve got a substantial amount saved for a deposit, this is mostly from me as I had more savings from before we were together. We are pretty much ready to buy just waiting for a house to come up that we like.

Back in July 2020 he asked me what sort of engagement rings I liked and what was my size. I sent him several links, and got my finger measured. DP is not a huge planner, so I thought that a proposal must be coming very soon. Nothing happened, we went on holiday in August and I half expected a proposal and nothing. I’d often see other rings I liked and show these to him to. He’d say “oh lovely but let’s wait til we’ve bought a house as I can save more once we’ve got that secured”. I have sent him links to more rings which are £200-300, have offered that I pay half of my ring myself, but he says no he wants to do it ‘properly’ and there he’d always feel inadequate if I paid half. I started wondering if whether he doesn’t want to get married at all, so in December I said shall we just look at booking the registry office for 2021 sometime, we actually had the website open looking at potential dates - to which he said no, he wants to propose to me properly in a romantic way and that he only asked for ring ideas last summer so he had an idea of what I liked for ‘when it was time in the future’.

I have brought this all up again today, about how I am essentially waiting for him to decide it is the ‘right time’ and how it could still take months for us to move into a house even if we made an offer today. He feels bad that I took the looking at rings last year as a sign it was happening soon, but is adamant he wants to put all of his spare cash into the house fund for now. Part of me feels this is sensible but part of me is worried he doesn’t actually want to marry me and that after we buy a house there’ll be a new item he needs to save for. He has been engaged before, I asked whether he had reservations because of this and he says absolutely not.

I’m torn between backing off and seeing what happens after we do buy a house (but I fear I’ll be in a mess if we then have to sell and break up because he still won’t seal the deal), and walking away now. I’m feeling hurt today by it all and DP has now gone out for a walk because he is upset that I feel this way Sad

OP posts:
FinallyFluid · 03/02/2021 13:28

These lyrics from Imelda May sum it up.

You are white noise he is on a mission and you and your fertility are collateral damage.

I could tell you all the things I do for you
But it's no surprise and you just roll your eyes and say
"Here we go again
She's gonna moan again"

I should spare your love, just a thing or two
But you don't disguise it when I'm just white noise
And it's done before it begins
'Cause your temper's getting thin

But there's just one thing that I wanna know
Just one little thing before I go
Before I go

It's who takes care of me?
Tell me, who takes care of me?
Should've been you
Should've been you

Do you realize, no, you never will
'Cause your head's held high and you got your pride
I got a little of mine still
Yeah, the bit you couldn't kill

I'll never blame you and I always will
I can't explain it but it hurts like hell
And I'm feeling so alone
Yeah, I'm lonely to the bone

But there's just one thing that I wanna know
Just one little thing before I go
Before I go

It's who takes care of me?
Tell me, who takes care of me?
Should've been you, oh!
Should've been you, oh!

And I'm angry
And I'm sad
I'm the best thing that you ever had
All I wanted was your touch
But you told me what I wanted was just too much

Oh, who takes care of me?
Tell me, who takes care of me?
Should've been you, oh!
Should've been you
It should've been you
Should've been you

MaLarkinn · 03/02/2021 16:28

You look a little desperate and I feel a bit embarrassed for you.

rawalpindithelabrador · 03/02/2021 16:46

By hanging onto this person, you are actively making the decision to forgo having children, for a boyfriend who has no ties to you, a boyfriend who can turn around and leave at any minute without a backwards glance. And I've seen this happen so many times I've lost count. Those women are all in their 50s now. They ran out of time to find another person who was on the same page and/or have kids. For every anecdote about having a healthy baby past about 42, there's legion more who weren't able to have one at all. And every single one of those guys was married to someone younger than they within a year and now Mr Family Man all over the place like they're the first man to ever procreate. But you know, no one was holding a gun to those women's heads and forcing them to stay.

And for what? Some bloke. Who is quite classically stringing you along. Because you are letting him. That's not love.

But no decision is still a decision.

If you were my daughter I'd say the same thing. 'He can only string you along if you let him. You don't fundamentally want kids, because if you did, you'd have ditched this guy already.'

FinalSongbird · 03/02/2021 16:59

I'm going against the grain my husband too she's to propose, he had a LOT of nagging and he dug his heels in. The surprised me about 18 months after he said he would. We already had a house and children by this point.

We've been happily married for a long time.

He came from a background with a lot of unhappy marriages in the family so he was reluctant to rock the boat with a marriage as that had been blamed in his family for the end of partnerships.

BlueThistles · 03/02/2021 17:22

@FinalSongbird

I'm going against the grain my husband too she's to propose, he had a LOT of nagging and he dug his heels in. The surprised me about 18 months after he said he would. We already had a house and children by this point.

We've been happily married for a long time.

He came from a background with a lot of unhappy marriages in the family so he was reluctant to rock the boat with a marriage as that had been blamed in his family for the end of partnerships.

So your biological fertility was not threatened or running out... you already had your children 🌺
Lampzade · 03/02/2021 17:24

@FinalSongbird

I'm going against the grain my husband too she's to propose, he had a LOT of nagging and he dug his heels in. The surprised me about 18 months after he said he would. We already had a house and children by this point.

We've been happily married for a long time.

He came from a background with a lot of unhappy marriages in the family so he was reluctant to rock the boat with a marriage as that had been blamed in his family for the end of partnerships.

That’s quite rare though In most cases the men don’t want to marry these women . My cousin is about to turn thirty. She has been with her boyfriend for over ten years. She wants to get married. He has said that he MAY give her an engagement ring on her thirtieth birthday. This probably means that the ‘engagement’ will be everlasting , He is stringing her along, but she refuses to see it

Tbh, I think that women come across as desperate when they try to convince a man to marry them. Desperation is not attractive

FinalSongbird · 03/02/2021 17:26

Yes, I had children with him out of wedlock with no ring or wedding on the table. He still married me Wink MN advise would have had me leave him 🤣

I don't see anywhere the OP's partner has said no to marriage, just he'd rather buy a house first.

EarthSight · 03/02/2021 17:28

Oh dear :( I hope I'm wrong but it sounds like he's stalling for a reason and doesn't want to have that conversation with you. Once you've bought the house, I can imagine him making more excuses.

A lot of men aren't bothered about having a big wedding, so him saying no to a registry office one isn't great. Have you suggested you could get married and then have a much larger ceremony afterwards when you've save up? At least then all the legal stuff will be out of the way.

Borisjohnsonshairbrush · 03/02/2021 17:38

Fuck. I wish I never read this thread. I'm 34 and been with my dp 6 years and no ring.

BlueThistles · 03/02/2021 17:40

@FinalSongbird

Yes, I had children with him out of wedlock with no ring or wedding on the table. He still married me Wink MN advise would have had me leave him 🤣

I don't see anywhere the OP's partner has said no to marriage, just he'd rather buy a house first.

OP's circumstances are nothing like yours then...🌺

BlueThistles · 03/02/2021 17:52

@Borisjohnsonshairbrush

Fuck. I wish I never read this thread. I'm 34 and been with my dp 6 years and no ring.

Do you want one though... ?

marriage isn't for everyone ..

OP wants to be married 🌺

MixMatch · 03/02/2021 18:08

@FinalSongbird

Yes, I had children with him out of wedlock with no ring or wedding on the table. He still married me Wink MN advise would have had me leave him 🤣

I don't see anywhere the OP's partner has said no to marriage, just he'd rather buy a house first.

@FinalSongbird unlike the OP you had nothing more to lose by staying with him at that point because you already had children. Your then boyfriend knew you weren't going anywhere and was happy enough to leave you and the kids in a more vulnerable position. Glad for you that you got married in the end but sounds like he married you because he was fed up with you nagging him otherwise he would have proposed of his own volition much earlier on.

Most women want a man who's actually enthusiastic about marrying them and doesn't need to be nagged into committing to someone who they're meant to love and supposedly want to spend the rest of their life with. Even if marriage eventually happens, a lot of these marriages ultimately fail because the reason why they guy was hesitant about marrying in the first place doesn't go away. Makes no sense for OP to hang on instead of finding a man who wants what she wants.

MixMatch · 03/02/2021 18:17

@Waitingfornothing

To answer some posters question - my money is and always has been in my own solo account so he cannot access it.

He has now said lets book a registry office date, the earliest date is now much later this year probably due to all the rebooks from covid. He says he asked for my ideas on rings months ago so that when he did eventually propose it’d be a ‘surprise’ but with a ring to my taste. He realises now that he didn’t think about my feelings enough, got too caught up in him wanting to do it “properly”. He is adamant he would have bought a ring and proposed once we have secured a property as that was his main focus, getting as much of a deposit together as possible - even though I’ve explained he could have got a placeholder ring/no ring and that being romantic and doing it ‘his’ way didn’t have to cost a penny.

I still feel really mixed up about what I want now.

@Waitingfornothing go with your gut feeling. Deep down you know what this means and that he's hesitant about marrying you. You sound like a lovely person, and you deserve so much more than what this noncommittal "man" is offering. Don't feel like he's your only option even though you're understandably worried about declining fertility. Getting married to someone who's not on the same page is a life changing mistake and will only lead to hurt, further wasted time and even divorce/cheating on his part further down the line. Assuming you even get married. He could stall further on a wedding or even stall on having kids down the line.
rawalpindithelabrador · 03/02/2021 18:44

@Borisjohnsonshairbrush

Fuck. I wish I never read this thread. I'm 34 and been with my dp 6 years and no ring.
If you want marriage than that's a problem. If you want kids and he's not into it now it's a problem. But only IF you stand up for what you want. He'll be happy to coast along. Then when you're 40 or later he might well pull the 'this isn't working anymore' and off he trots to become Mr Family Man whilst you're left with no boyfriend or kids. You decide your own destiny, if you chose to give someone else your power for whatever reason, then take responsibility and accept that you made that decision. Personally, I walked from a guy like this when I was 30. We'd been together for 7 years. He wasn't 'ready'. Fine. I knew it would take time to find someone else who was.

Staying with someone who's made it clear by their actions that they're not on the same page is a decision.

DH and I didn't have a proposal and our only rings are our wedding rings. He walked the walk. Talked like an adult. 'You want to get married. I want to get married, too. Let's head over to the Registry and get a license.' 2 weeks later, we married. Only family there, just a lunch at Zizzi's after. Went on a honeymoon to Ireland for a week. Job done. Our first was born 13 months later.

Amotherlife · 03/02/2021 19:06

Getting married and having kids isn't the whole answer though. He may well be persuaded to get married and TTC, but a few years down the line feel "trapped" or unfulfilled. So might you OP, if you have doubts now. It's easy to get caught up in pushing a man into things at your age, as you feel your biological clock ticking, then look back later and wonder if you did the right thing. Might be just lockdown, but I have wondered it a lot in the past year and I'm far too many years along and too enmeshed to really change my life now.

Amotherlife · 03/02/2021 19:10

I didn't push my DH into marrying me, btw, though I raised the subject. He was keen and happy to have kids. But I do wonder whether I decided on 'him' because of the age I was at the time. I just feel I may have ignored certain incompatiblities which now mean more to me than they did at the time......

doctorboo · 03/02/2021 19:19

I think it’s be worth looking into/talking to a solicitor about drawing up papers (probably not the right terminology) to protect your portion of money that you’re putting towards the house deposit. That way if marriage doesn’t happen before you buy a house together and you decide you’re not happy moving forward post house purchase without a ring, at least your portion of the deposit would be protected and yours to get back if you decided to split - I’m not being a negative nelly it’s worth doing what you can to not be screwed over in a worst case scenario.

Sharww · 03/02/2021 20:10

@Borisjohnsonshairbrush

What did you want before this thread? If it’s struck a nerve then that’s obviously for a reason. Listen to your inner voice. What do you want and what are you actually getting in your relationship? Flowers

AviciaJones · 03/02/2021 20:14

You have enough money to be financially secure without marriage, why marry him. Buy your own house, have your DC and be in control of your life.

Be thankful you don’t live in Australia, you don’t get a choice of keeping your finances seperate. After five years your DP can claim half and to split up you must finalise everything legally or they can put in a claim on your assets later on down the track. Our choices have been taken away from us.

billy1966 · 03/02/2021 20:22

[quote Sharww]@Borisjohnsonshairbrush

What did you want before this thread? If it’s struck a nerve then that’s obviously for a reason. Listen to your inner voice. What do you want and what are you actually getting in your relationship? Flowers[/quote]
This is a gift.
Take it.
Think.
Decide what you want.
Tell him.
Make it clear.
Get the hell out if he is like the OP's messer.

Like her, you deserve better.

Flowers
Avidreader12 · 03/02/2021 20:29

Ok so if he doesn’t want to get married at this time but does want to buy a house then explain you want a deed of trust protecting each persons deposit this would ring fence it which means you don’t automatically own the house 50/50. If you later get married the deed of trust is void but believe me everyone thinks their partner will be nice if you split but often it isn’t. In my case I was persuaded to buy a bigger house than I wanted to persuaded to take on the biggest mortgage we could afford but 4 years later he did the mid life crisis and walked out. I was lucky I only had to give him his deposit and half proceeds from our previous house after taking on his share of the mortgage in order to stop a sale rather than half the money as well I had put into it. The deed of trust was worth every penny it literally saved me tens of thousands of pounds.

FinalSongbird · 03/02/2021 21:09
  • but sounds like he married you because he was fed up with you nagging him otherwise he would have proposed of his own volition much earlier on.

Most women want a man who's actually enthusiastic about marrying them and doesn't need to be nagged into committing to someone who they're meant to love and supposedly want to spend the rest of their life with*

😂😂😂

Whitecup4 · 03/02/2021 21:12

Walk away now. There is ALWAYS something to save for- house, baby, bigger car because if the baby, second child, another god damn car, leaky roof, boiler- it goes on and on!

15 years- I’m still not married- don’t be me!

BlueThistles · 05/02/2021 22:42

How are you OP Flowers

LunaHeather · 06/02/2021 00:40

@Waitingfornothing

To answer some posters question - my money is and always has been in my own solo account so he cannot access it.

He has now said lets book a registry office date, the earliest date is now much later this year probably due to all the rebooks from covid. He says he asked for my ideas on rings months ago so that when he did eventually propose it’d be a ‘surprise’ but with a ring to my taste. He realises now that he didn’t think about my feelings enough, got too caught up in him wanting to do it “properly”. He is adamant he would have bought a ring and proposed once we have secured a property as that was his main focus, getting as much of a deposit together as possible - even though I’ve explained he could have got a placeholder ring/no ring and that being romantic and doing it ‘his’ way didn’t have to cost a penny.

I still feel really mixed up about what I want now.

The main thing that concerns me is the bulk of the deposit coming from you. You may better remaining as separate financial entities.