He won’t propose because he’s saving for a house

[Waitingfornothing]

I’ve been with my DP for 3 years. We are both 34. We’ve always said, from the start, we want to get married, buy a house and have children and I’ve always stipulated I want to be married before we have children and I’m aware of how being 34 I’m running out of time.

Between us we’ve got a substantial amount saved for a deposit, this is mostly from me as I had more savings from before we were together. We are pretty much ready to buy just waiting for a house to come up that we like.

Back in July 2020 he asked me what sort of engagement rings I liked and what was my size. I sent him several links, and got my finger measured. DP is not a huge planner, so I thought that a proposal must be coming very soon. Nothing happened, we went on holiday in August and I half expected a proposal and nothing. I’d often see other rings I liked and show these to him to. He’d say “oh lovely but let’s wait til we’ve bought a house as I can save more once we’ve got that secured”. I have sent him links to more rings which are £200-300, have offered that I pay half of my ring myself, but he says no he wants to do it ‘properly’ and there he’d always feel inadequate if I paid half. I started wondering if whether he doesn’t want to get married at all, so in December I said shall we just look at booking the registry office for 2021 sometime, we actually had the website open looking at potential dates - to which he said no, he wants to propose to me properly in a romantic way and that he only asked for ring ideas last summer so he had an idea of what I liked for ‘when it was time in the future’.

I have brought this all up again today, about how I am essentially waiting for him to decide it is the ‘right time’ and how it could still take months for us to move into a house even if we made an offer today. He feels bad that I took the looking at rings last year as a sign it was happening soon, but is adamant he wants to put all of his spare cash into the house fund for now. Part of me feels this is sensible but part of me is worried he doesn’t actually want to marry me and that after we buy a house there’ll be a new item he needs to save for. He has been engaged before, I asked whether he had reservations because of this and he says absolutely not.

I’m torn between backing off and seeing what happens after we do buy a house (but I fear I’ll be in a mess if we then have to sell and break up because he still won’t seal the deal), and walking away now. I’m feeling hurt today by it all and DP has now gone out for a walk because he is upset that I feel this way

You did the right thing by suggesting booking a date and getting on with it. I’m afraid you did the wrong thing letting him fob you off again by insisting on a proposal

The proposal is an excuse. She asked he said no. It’s that simple.

If you buy the house please buy as tenants in common to protect your money!

@LemonSwan

For a start, why the fuck is it house , marriage and babies? Hmm? Who decided that actually, you'd be doing it a non-traditional way which meant

To be fair its not the traditional way but it is the more common way for our generation. Nearly everyone I know bar one went in that order.

Its actually safer for your cash if you buy as tenants in common without being married and ring fence your deposits.

This exactly. I'm not sure why everyone seems to suggest to the OP that she needs to get married before buying a house. Tenancy in common with unequal shares prior to marriage seems a much safer way to protect her deposit. Marriage won't do that.

You are gambling your fertility on someone who may not actually want to marry you after all. There is nothing holding up getting married (and you are very wise to get married before having children). You could get married next week in a registry office, start trying for a baby, buy a house and hopefully you would be moving into your home and having a baby shortly after.

Therefore, make sure your money is safe first (very wise as another PP said). Then give him an ultimatum: he marries you in 2/4/6 weeks (max) or its over. If he doesn't marry you, then leave him. You still have some time to meet someone else and marry and have babies with them.

You don't have that much time (and I say that as someone who had babies in the late 30's and early 40's) so you really need to work out what you want. I have a number of friends who were in your situation. Some of these men never married them and then dumped them mid/late 30's. Without exception the men went on to marry and have children with someone else. Only some of the women went on to marry, and even less had children. For some it has been devastating.

I think op wanting children is paramount in this, and no ammount of logic regarding finances will bring back lost years if she leaves it too late being with the wrong man who doesn't want children.

Ask him directly, if its the wrong answer, make another plan tout suite.

@ABJ1

It’s just my opinion that everyone is thinking the worst based on assumptions. She may think she’s been clear that’s only one side.

I agree. You are only hearing one side . I wouldn't think so negatively about this at all.

I'm not sure why everyone seems to suggest to the OP that she needs to get married before buying a house. Tenancy in common with unequal shares prior to marriage seems a much safer way to protect her deposit. Marriage won't do that.

I agree with this. Unless they were going to buy the house without tenancy in common, then there is no reason that he is stalling getting married in order to somehow steal money from her. It wouldn't work like that.

What he is doing is stringing her along, and I can guarantee that even if he ever buys the bloody ring and actually proposes, the next item will be saving for a huge wedding to do that 'properly'.

Personally, my vag would shrivel up and completely refuse admittance to any man who was so blatantly, meanly and cowardly wasting my fertile years in this way. That is simply unforgivable.

I would tell him that him dragging his feet over the matter is causing you to have second thoughts. I would also say that given the situation I’m no longer happy to plough my own savings into a house without being engaged and registry office date for the wedding. You can say that your flattered and appreciate that he wants to do it romantically and propose properly but at 34 you would just rather have plans cemented into place so you can be sure of your future.

Basically your telling him to shit or get off the pot, and if he really does want to propose/marry/kids he won’t mind compromising on what he wants/his timeline in order to accommodate you, make you feel secure and have the future he agreed you both want.

Op I’m in an incredibly similar situation to you. I’m five years in though and have had all this nonsense and stalling for what sounded like legitimate reasons at the time. Except today he’s announced today that actually he has no intention of marrying me or having children. I’m so cross at myself. I thought I’d done all the right things about being upfront about marriage and why it was important to me. The advice you’ve had about future faking is incredibly apt. My partner and I had been looking at moving out of area and possible abroad together. They really will string us along in order to keep the status quo which is working for them..

OP I realise that this sounds extreme, but I really can't see any other outcome than a breakup. You want children, and you are 34 - waiting until you get married and buy a house before starting TTC is dangerous; I know that 34 seems young, and many women have children in their late 30s and 40s, but as someone who has been there, it's risky to count on that; if you encounter any fertility issues, you will have less time to sort them out.
Aside from that - your P's reluctance to marry may well then carry into a reluctance to TTC - I can see a constant line of things he will want to 'sort out' first ....and then it will just never happen. (This happened to a friend of mine, who is now in early 40s and they are finally TTCing but after 2 years no luck and trying IVF but the odds are v low, and she has always been desperate for a baby.)
Sorry OP....he just doesn't seem that into something - you, marriage, whatever....I don't think he wants the same future as you. Good luck OP.

DH proposed without a ring as he was broke at the time, but didn't want to wait any longer...It couldn't have been any more romantic ring or not! It seems to me that whatever "doing it properly" means is more important to him than actually getting engaged? I mean of course I get it, a big romantic gesture, down on one knee, beautiful ring, lovely memory forever...etc etc...But in reality, it's not the ring that seals the deal...I don't get his reluctance OP...

The OP wants to get married before she has children (very wisely). Why would she saddle herself with half a house with someone who doesn't want what she wants.

There's nothing intrinsically wrong with buying as tenants in common. In this situation, it's just going to add another layer of stress and complication and the OP doesn't have time on her side.

Propose to him?

I'd walk away. If he wanted to be married, you'd be married by now.

@willFOURbagsbeenough

I’ve never understood these women waiting to be proposed to.

You’ve already decided you’re getting married so you’re already engaged. That’s what deciding to get married is.

My thought too. OP is already engaged. The whole Disney proposal is just for SM likes.

@willFOURbagsbeenough

I’ve never understood these women waiting to be proposed to.

You’ve already decided you’re getting married so you’re already engaged. That’s what deciding to get married is.

Not really fair when the OP has suggested booking the register office!

@PlanDeRaccordement I read it the opposite way - HE wants the romantic proposal and OP wants to just book the wedding.

Try again to get him to agree to a wedding date, don’t be fobbed off. Forget the engagement and the ring. Give it three months if no date booked, move on.

@PandaVie

Sounds like he wants your money to help secure a house he wouldn't otherwise be able to afford, and is using a "proposal" as a carrot to sweeten you to part with your money

^this

I think OP’s not been back to thread though.

I hope she takes her share of the money. Which is the bigger share. And buys her own place instead of waiting for this man who could be being very manipulative.

I agree, this bloke is stalling and doesn't want to get married. He does want a house, though, and seems happy to use OP to achieve this.

And yes - hell's bells, if those house savings are in a joint account get your money out RIGHT NOW and put it somewhere he can't get it. BEFORE you have this chat.

Move the cash, have the chat and be prepared to walk away.

You are 34. You don't have time on your side if you want a family, unlike your OH.

And don't have DC before marriage. I made that mistake and I've ended up renting in my 50s. Starting again from scratch was a nightmare, and I'll likely never have my own home now.

You need to lay it out to him that his 'rules' around when he is prepared to have children with you may mean you won't get to have children at all and hence you will not be allowing this to roll on indefinitely.

I'd be asking him to spend time deciding whether or not what he absolutely wants in life is you, a home and kids because if he wants that he needs to get of his arse and if he doesn't you need to get out and find someone else.

He sounds a bit self absorbed & controlling. You may have to make things awfully clear for him. You can't risk not having kids and you can't afford IVF by the sounds of it so he needs to buck his ideas up.

If you were 24 things would be very different, but you're not.

Good luck, OP.

[quote BeakyWinder]@PlanDeRaccordement I read it the opposite way - HE wants the romantic proposal and OP wants to just book the wedding.[/quote]
Oh, I agree it’s him that wants the Disney proposal for his SM likes. The OP seems very practical to me. I just also agree that they’re already engaged and don’t understand why OP is just doing nothing but waiting for him. I’d be asking him. Marry me. If you say yes, I’m booking it in with registry next month. If you say no, I’m done. No more wasting time.

If you would be paying the majority of the deposit you would be crazy to marry him. Then he could take half of your hard earned cash! If you want kids with him, buy a house together with a legal agreement on who owns what proportion of the house, to protect your money. Then have kids. Don't marry him though.

@BlueTurtle1

If you would be paying the majority of the deposit you would be crazy to marry him. Then he could take half of your hard earned cash! If you want kids with him, buy a house together with a legal agreement on who owns what proportion of the house, to protect your money. Then have kids. Don't marry him though.

This 👆

I'll tell you a quick anecdote about what happened to my friend who had similar to OP and stuck it out past this point..

They bought a house together and it took ages and loads of money to do up. The fella kept stringing out delaying the proposal, eg sending her out to provisionally choose rings with her mum, booking multiple holidays and trips per year and leading her to keep waiting for the next trip for the proposal that never came.

It got to the point of her packing her bags and leaving but going back to be strung along further. Finally she blew up and he admitted he didn't want to marry or have kids with her... and then he went straight into a new relationship with a woman who already had a dc and quite soon he got engaged. No idea what to make of that.

My friend was left to deal with selling their gorgeous house, buying alone with her share and back to dating to find a new DP at about 38.

She is now happily married in her 40s. 2 older step dc but none of her own. I don't know how she feels about not having had her own dc. She seems much happier with the new man but I do feel the old boyfriend stole some (but not all) of fertile years.
Bizarrely I bumped into him and he said he blurted out he really regretted not breaking up with her years sooner as he had strung it out and taken her chance to have children.

In your shoes op i would say to your dp, i want to get engaged (with a ring), before we buy a house. When he says he is saving for the house first you say, no, actually that is not what i want. I want to get engaged now. And mean it. You will know then if he wants to marry you. If he doesn't let him jog on.