He won’t propose because he’s saving for a house

[Waitingfornothing]

I’ve been with my DP for 3 years. We are both 34. We’ve always said, from the start, we want to get married, buy a house and have children and I’ve always stipulated I want to be married before we have children and I’m aware of how being 34 I’m running out of time.

Between us we’ve got a substantial amount saved for a deposit, this is mostly from me as I had more savings from before we were together. We are pretty much ready to buy just waiting for a house to come up that we like.

Back in July 2020 he asked me what sort of engagement rings I liked and what was my size. I sent him several links, and got my finger measured. DP is not a huge planner, so I thought that a proposal must be coming very soon. Nothing happened, we went on holiday in August and I half expected a proposal and nothing. I’d often see other rings I liked and show these to him to. He’d say “oh lovely but let’s wait til we’ve bought a house as I can save more once we’ve got that secured”. I have sent him links to more rings which are £200-300, have offered that I pay half of my ring myself, but he says no he wants to do it ‘properly’ and there he’d always feel inadequate if I paid half. I started wondering if whether he doesn’t want to get married at all, so in December I said shall we just look at booking the registry office for 2021 sometime, we actually had the website open looking at potential dates - to which he said no, he wants to propose to me properly in a romantic way and that he only asked for ring ideas last summer so he had an idea of what I liked for ‘when it was time in the future’.

I have brought this all up again today, about how I am essentially waiting for him to decide it is the ‘right time’ and how it could still take months for us to move into a house even if we made an offer today. He feels bad that I took the looking at rings last year as a sign it was happening soon, but is adamant he wants to put all of his spare cash into the house fund for now. Part of me feels this is sensible but part of me is worried he doesn’t actually want to marry me and that after we buy a house there’ll be a new item he needs to save for. He has been engaged before, I asked whether he had reservations because of this and he says absolutely not.

I’m torn between backing off and seeing what happens after we do buy a house (but I fear I’ll be in a mess if we then have to sell and break up because he still won’t seal the deal), and walking away now. I’m feeling hurt today by it all and DP has now gone out for a walk because he is upset that I feel this way

Given you’re providing the bulk of the deposit, and he keeps stalling re the proposal / your registry office suggestion, if I were in your shoes, I’d call a halt to the whole house purchase, and would actually re-evaluate the whole relationship.
If you really want children, and as you say want to be married before having children, then I don’t think he’s the fella for you.
So I think your ‘walk away’ option is the best one. As horrible as that may be to contemplate.

It sounds like you are putting a huge amount of pressure on him and offering to pay half of your ring reeks of desperation. It really sounds like he’s stalling and that maybe he’s got cold feet. If he really wanted to get engaged, he surely would have asked you. I can totally understand your concerns at him delaying.
Life is really all about timing. He could be the right person at the wrong time. Good for you for wanting your ducks in a row before you,have children, ie, marriage, house etc, but if he continues stalling I would question whether he’s the one for you.

Thank you everyone.

I hadn’t actually considered the possibility of us marrying, buying a house and then him getting access to half of my equity should we then divorce. It’d be ironic if after all this it’s actually in my better interests to not be married at all!

I've been with dp for 8 years , children and a house finally got proposed to recently. Children are much more of a commitment than marriage. Hope things work out for you.

Hi OP. I (stupidly) waited for my lovely exH to be ready. I waited...and waited until my late 30's. Three months after we married he told me that he never really wanted to be married to me. We struggled on for another 18 months but hearing him say that was the end of our marriage. One very prolonged and expensive divorce later I was close to 40 and alone. He pushed off with a 24 year old. I too had money from savings and previous investments, he took took took in the divorce. Purely by chance I had a child 18 months later and I understand my exH is having very serious problems conceiving with his new wife. I am very very lucky to have my child but I desperately wish that I had left him at 34 when I may have had the chance to start again with someone else.

I'm sorry to sound so negative, it is very very hard to walk away but this sounds horribly similar to my experience.

Children may be more of a commitment but you have to consider the bigger picture and the long term choices. For most women having kids seriously impacts on your earnings and pension for example. You really need to be in it with someone that's truly sharing the load.

If he wanted to be married to you he would have booked one of the registry office appointments.
This romantic proposal nonsense is just that, absolute nonsense.
He's future faking.

I think you should find someone who does want the same things as you. This guy will just string out the marrying as long as possible. Then he'll string out the having kids thing and before you know it you'll be over 40 and single (when you eventually decide you've had enough or he goes off with someone else) and you'll be desperately trying to find someone to have children with.
You'd be better off ending this now.

Walk away. You'll end up like me with a 14 year old and still "partner". Trust me, that saps confidence.

It’s a bit scary. this future faking and manipulation or dishonesty. I think women need to be less romantic about all this “ring” and engagement stuff.

Anyway, OP, as you say looks like you are better off in your own. I hope you separate your money pronto and there’s not any joint accounts. I’d be taking PPs’ advice and getting my ducks out and into another pond!!!

Can you buy on your own instead ?

PS it’s a busy thread OP because your title question is ridiculous “reasoning” without even knowing the ins and outs of it. It requires really, a very straightforward answer. Most of us can do it blindfolded without even reading the rest of your text. I think you must know that though. Don’t take this nonsense. Look after yourself. That includes the 💰!

Engagement is meaningless.

If you are buying a house together with the understanding that you will be married one day, it sounds like a committed relationship, I agree with PP who says why wait for ‘the proposal’ when you are basically engaged anyway?
But hearing that you are putting more into the house money, I wouldn’t get married. Make sure you get an agreement for tenants in common rather than joint tenants. If he doesn’t want to marry you he shouldn’t benefit unduly if something was to happen to you.

This must be a tough read, OP. It's tough when you're in love with someone and see a future.

Only I'm not sure from your posts if he sees a future with you ........... he's happy enough for now, and doesn't want to change the status quo.

You have to decide if he's worth the chance of waiting for ....... but at 34, that's a bit of a dangerous risk.

@Waitingfornothing
Another voice saying he is straining you along. Protect your financial independence - your savings in your name, if you were to buy with him proper legal recognition of your contribution to the deposit protected. If he is saving so hard why spend on a holiday he probably spent the cost of a £200 ring on that.
Poor choice of username in the circumstances as he has you waiting for plenty

It sounds like he doesn’t want to get married or have kids!

If marriage is a high priority for you then I would sit him down and explain that you want to get married by X date as you want children and your biological clock is ticking.

If he isn’t willing to get married by that date then you will have to separate as it’s obvious he doesn’t want marriage and/or children.

Why would you want to marry someone whose response to you suggesting you marry is that it has to be him asking you in a special way at the right time?

I think he's stringing you along as well.

With your deposit and earnings can you afford to buy on your own? If yes, I would dump the not so DP, and crack on with your life.

I’d crack on too.

OP,

When men really want to put a ring on it, that is EXACTLY what they do.

When they don't they give you excuses and give you the run a round.

You deserve better.
Value yourself.
Protect your money.

Stop taking about rings and start taking about marriage. If you want to be married, say so. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money.

This. I can't believe some women are still so old fashioned that they simply sit back waiting for a proposal and a ring. As a pp said, if you are talking about marriage you are already engaged. Talk to him, and if he isn't willing to actually commit then you have some serious thinking to do.

If you do want marriage and children it will not be with him. He wants a house more than marriage or children. He does not want marriage and or children with you.

You’re being future faked and otherwise being strung along here by him big time. You are now 34, do not become 35 and be in this same position. Hard as it will be for you I would walk away because you need to be a priority rather than an option.

I would be telling any man, who wanted a house more than they wanted me as their wife, where to go.

The only bit of this that is time bound is having a child. Houses and weddings can wait. If you want to be married first then, to give yourself the best shot of pregnancy, you should prioritise that and just get a quick registry office job.

What I fear will happen is that you will waste your fertile years on this relationship and then eventually separate. He will prob go on to find a new partner and have her pregnant in months. You may be childless. I don't say that to scare you and I can imagine it's incredibly difficult. I had children alone. I am now almost 50 and have at least four similar aged friends who waited and waited and it didn't happen for them. You need to take control.

Sounds like time to put on the hiking boots