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Original poster

Could you accept a 'love child?'

737 replies

Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 15:58

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 02/02/2021 09:35

@BaronessWrongCrowd

But no, I don't think young children will process cheating.

Having had my mother point out to me (at the age of four while out shopping) on seeing my father with the OW that he was having an affair with "that is the woman your dad left us for." That has stuck with me for the rest of my life. So yes, young children might process cheating but they will put two and two together at some point.

I certainly knew that what was happening at nine (it was a long term affair) I knew it wasn't right. I also knew at 11 when my father got the OW pregnant that it was wrong. And now in my 40's I have had issues with anxiety and mental health for being put in that situation. I love my younger sibling but have never forgiven the adults involved.

This situation will be deeply damaging for the children if not handled correctly.

But surely (and I'm sorry to read your experience) this is down to how the parent handles it? The question was whether the existence of another child will be enough to highlight to a small child that 'daddy cheated' and isn't that a terrible example to set a small child and that is what I was disagreeing with.
Iwantacookie · 02/02/2021 10:15

Bloody hell what a mess. Honestly if I was you I would have another break especially if the ow is a first time mom. It's hard enough with a partner helping let alone on your own. Give it 6 months or so in that time she can get to grips with being a mom and your dh can step up and show you how/if this is going to work with his other child. Are you prepared for him to have a connection to her for the rest of his life?

BlueThistles · 05/02/2021 22:44

OP I'm just checking in to se if you're okay Flowers

AngelDelightUK · 06/02/2021 21:54

Another one just checking in on you. Hope you’re ok x

Itstimetoquit · 08/02/2021 18:12

How are you op x

MinnieMous3 · 26/03/2021 14:53

Hope you’re okay OP and that you’re in a better headspace.

Ceriane · 26/03/2021 15:03

Not sure what I would do, but a member of my family did. In an LTR for 10 years, had a child together, they were “on a break” and she started seeing someone else and became pregnant. I really did think there would be no going back after that, but he did go back and he loves that child as if he is his own, to see them together you would never know, but it’s a hard thing to do emotionally.

Tomyoneandonly · 26/03/2021 15:22

No I didn't and I wouldn't. No matter what is said the job has been done with another woman. She was so intended to have his child. I've left a ltr because he went and had a child with a woman who was 40years old and I was 19 at the time with 2 DC. I don't regret my choice.

FishyFriday · 26/03/2021 15:28

A man who embarks on another relationship and gets another woman pregnant during a 3 month ‘break’ (not even a break up, just breathing space) moved on very quickly. He wasn’t exactly trying to save his marriage, was he? Two women and 3 children are having to deal with the fallout of that.

I wouldn’t stay with him. It’s a big mess and you deserve better than this. Your children do too.

It must be so hard for you.

Bibidy · 26/03/2021 16:15

No OP, I absolutely couldn't.

Being a step-parent is beyond hard, and that's before taking your circumstances into the equation. I would not want to deal with this kids mum causing havoc in my life when I came before her and shouldn't be having to face any of this.

I also would find it difficult to accept the child under these circumstances and that isn't fair as it isn't their fault.

earthyfire · 26/03/2021 16:30

I'm not sure. I know someone who had a "love child" with a married man and he's wife has being open to meeting the child but OW won't allow her to. The father sees both OW and child ad hoc during the week and has one weekend with the OW/child and one weekend with his wife and other children! All very difunctional. I'm not sure I could deal with the hurt and stress.

earthyfire · 26/03/2021 16:30

*been

Timeisavirtue · 26/03/2021 17:22

It’s a bit of a shitty situation, it depends on you and wether you can handle it. I like to think I would handle it well but you just never know, I would never ever take it out on the child, it’s not thier fault. People that do take problems out on kids are the lowest of the low in my opinion.

user47000000000 · 19/05/2021 11:07

How are you OP?

Muchasgracias · 19/05/2021 12:03

This is tough. I could ultimately accept a love child yes, but I think the first question would be whether or not I could accept my DH behaving like yours did on a brief marriage break. 3 months is no time and he conceived a child!!

Personally I don’t think I could accept this breach of trust and would end my marriage. I also wouldn’t be willing to take on a battle with the OW over the poor child and the issue of overnight stays etc....there will be all kinds of drama there in the future over Xmas/birthdays, potentially hugely disrupting to your own DC. So all that kind of moots the point about “accepting a love child” into the home in a stepmother role. But I would of course accept the child as a sibling of my DC and welcome them in whatever way that evolved over the years. They are just an innocent child.

Blankspace101 · 19/05/2021 12:03

Nope, he’s playing you for a fool. Get rid.

Ohfudgeme · 19/05/2021 12:05

How are you/family doing?

CrazyCatLazy · 19/05/2021 12:32

Hope you’re okay OP

Taikoo · 19/05/2021 12:44

I remember this.
Hope it all worked out ok.

Viviennemary · 19/05/2021 12:54

No. Why can't people go without sex for a few months. Pathetic. I wouldn't have this. And ask for a DNA test. Evdn if it is his he needs to have nothing to do with it except pay maintenance if required by law. I certainly wouldn't accept her or her child in my life in any shape or form. Why should you. You've done nothing wrong.

Maggiesfarm · 19/05/2021 12:55

I don't know, Namechange. You'll have to play this by ear.

What is seriously wrong is the woman saying you 'stole' your husband from him and you are to have nothing to do with the child. The former statement is particularly unpleasant, it is vindictive. You were, and are, his wife and a three month break is not that long.

Obviously the 'fling' was more significant for this unfortunate young woman than for your husband and only they can work that one out. Time heals.

If no involvement with you in the child's life is requested, I'd go with that. It could change as time goes on.

The important issue here is, can your marriage survive a 'love child'? Many have. I wish you luck and am sorry you have to go through this. I did know someone years ago, quite a decent person really, who was in the same position.

tentosix · 19/05/2021 12:57

It’s not the child’s I couldn’t accept in my life it’s the cheating, lying husband

ElaborateSalad · 19/05/2021 13:07

@Viviennemary

No. Why can't people go without sex for a few months. Pathetic. I wouldn't have this. And ask for a DNA test. Evdn if it is his he needs to have nothing to do with it except pay maintenance if required by law. I certainly wouldn't accept her or her child in my life in any shape or form. Why should you. You've done nothing wrong.
He shouldn't be a part of the child's life? What nonsense. None of this is the fault of the child.
quizqueen · 19/05/2021 13:11

Your husband obviously considered himself a single person on your 3 month break rather than it being a time for reflection on the marriage situation. Personally, I would have considered the marriage over when I knew he'd slept with someone else so quickly in that interim time.

He would also be sensible to ask for proof the baby is his before his name goes on the birth certificate. I wouldn't be able to live with his behaviour, I'm afraid, so it would be over for me. I bet that if you said that he would return to her!!

BungleandGeorge · 19/05/2021 13:13

What did you both understand by ‘on a break’? Personally I think it means you’ve split up but don’t want to decide whether it’s permanent. I don’t think it’s cheating but will depend on what you decided between you? He had probably meaningless sex, unfortunately it wasn’t meaningless to the woman and a child resulted. If you both decided based on the separation that it was a huge mistake and you actually really want each other and have fixed the relationship I wouldn’t let the child change that. However, if you’re a bit less sure it will probably be the final straw for me

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