Could you accept a 'love child?'

[Namechangeforthisone83]

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

You don't want him though, do you?
It's just the familiarity and for children's sake.
The relationship is over.
He saw the break as a chance to sleep around
What were you doing during the break? Looking after your family and working out ways to make your marriage work probably.
The fling partner is a crazy woman.
The love child isn't your issue - your kids just need to have a decent relationship with their half sibling.

To those who say it wasn't cheating, even if it wasn't cheating in the true sense of the word....if a couple who are married or have children together or a long relationship where they see each other as family...and then have a break to see if they can work through their issues and want to be together...the way I see it is it stops being a break once one person starts dating and sleeping with people (unless that was agreed in advance) and becomes something else.. because the point of the break is to deal with the past and present issues, not to bring a whole load of new ones into the mix.

Some people would never be able to get over the other person even sleeping with someone while 'on a break' even if there was no child involved...so that's the choice that the person makes when they choose to sleep with someone new, they know that there's a chance that once they go there that they might throw everything away and there's no going back once it's done, just like with cheating!

To those that say Op’s Dh had no choice in the pregnancy, what a load of rubbish! He chose to have sex, he can also easily not choose to have sex!

He also can choose contraception- he says the condom failed - bullocks
Condoms are easy to use and readily accessible, Men always have the choice.

Absolutely no way could I stay with dh after this.

I wouldn't want anything to do with the child either.

Got to go along with @Midsummabreak.

Even putting aside the technicalities of ‘ Was it cheating or was it not cheating ‘

The condom explanation is bollocks.

If it turns out that the baby isn’t his, get yourself down to the clinic, pronto.

You should be angry, very angry for yourself and your children, not love bombing......

If it his child, up to a quarter of his / yours income could be flying out of the door, every month.

Even without the emotional trauma, it may turn out to be a logistical nightmare.

She’s never going to be reasonable, you are never going to be accepting, reading between the lines.

But you’ve got another twenty years of this nightmare to live with.

I hope you you can work it out. But take the rose tinted glasses off, and see it for what it is.

Most probably rebuilding your marriage on a foundation of lies.

OP the baby might not be even his so he should distance himself before a DNA test. When I met DH a fling told him she was pregnant ( with twins ) and they were his. He had slept with her twice. She told all her friends it was his and even put the scan photo on Facebook naming them the xxxx( dh second name) twins. We talked it through, he didn’t want to be with her but would support the kids. I decided to stay with him. The minute she gave birth her family sent him pictures of the baby saying they with the double image of him. I remember him receiving the pictures as I was sat in bed at the side of him. He insisted on a DNA test immediately which he got so much grief for and low and behold they wasn’t his. So yeah women do lie.

There was an article in the paper today about a woman who had a one night stand with a man at a wedding. She then proceeded to stalk him and his family with claims that she was pregnant. She even went so far as to buy a false belly and give them fake scan photos. This was used an an attempt to extort money off of him. That is of course just one very extreme case. But it's a timely reminder that people have no idea of the personality of the person they are sleeping with on a one night stand/first date. Your husband gambled on a good time and it did not pay off.

@LizFlowers - you said this "If the woman hadn't become pregnant there would be no issue, nobody would have known about her but what's done is done."

OP said this:
"He admitted everything to me showed me everything msgs etc and we decided to make a go of it.

Then a few weeks after getting back together he found out she was pregnant."

So the OP did know about the woman. And they got back together anyway, despite the fling. The baby is the only complicating factor, and the fact that its mother contacted a bunch of OP's DH's relatives through facebook.

I don't think this woman is benign, particularly. She is entitled to support for the baby, but that's it (assuming it is proven by DNA testing to be the OP's DH's)

He didn't cheat. When someone suggest you have a "break" in the relationship, what they mean is that they don't want you to sleep with anyone else but if they find someone the break will become permanent. You are not a couple during a break, unless the person you are on a break from becomes jealous.

The OP has confirmed repeatedly that it wasn’t declared or assumed a break when they separated - it’s only a term she uses now that they are back together.

The fundamental Qs which she hasn’t revealed on the thread (and I am not requesting she does) is why did they spilt and have those issues been thoroughly repaired (doubt it because of this distraction) and how and why did they get back together?

Was it his idea because he was being stalked by a loon and needed somewhere to hide?

Or was it her idea because she was hurt when she found out he was dating?

Either way the “desperate love” stuff smacks of “hysterical bonding” - look that up OP.

Sorry I didn’t mean that to be so blunt. What I am trying to explore is how solid really is your relationship, what are the defences, issues and motivations for both of you and the relationship before this huge life long complex burden has to be borne - can you even carry it? Should you carry any of it?

To all those saying that its bollocks that he used a condom. Did any of you actually do sex ed at school? NO form of contraception is 100% reliable, the only reliable form of contraception is abstinence! Im an ex midwife so i can tell you these things can and do happen, ive seen living proof of it plenty of times!

[quote ThumbWitchesAbroad]@LizFlowers - you said this "If the woman hadn't become pregnant there would be no issue, nobody would have known about her but what's done is done."

OP said this:
"He admitted everything to me showed me everything msgs etc and we decided to make a go of it.

Then a few weeks after getting back together he found out she was pregnant."

So the OP did know about the woman. And they got back together anyway, despite the fling. The baby is the only complicating factor, and the fact that its mother contacted a bunch of OP's DH's relatives through facebook.

I don't think this woman is benign, particularly. She is entitled to support for the baby, but that's it (assuming it is proven by DNA testing to be the OP's DH's)[/quote]
So the OP did know about the woman. And they got back together anyway, despite the fling.

That's s point I'd forgotten or didn't notice when I posted as above. Yes he did admit it all and the op agreed to try again.

...mother contacted a bunch of OP's DH's relatives through facebook.

A weird thing to do. It makes me wonder if, during their brief liaison, he gave her the impression it all meant more than it did in reality.

I don't, however, want to make this worse than it is by speculation.

The woman is not benign but I suppose she is hurt; yes I know she has contriubuted to the op's hurt but if she thought the guy was separated from his wife, who knows? Gosh what a mess!

I agree with you and others that husband must have a dna test as soon as feasible and then it is up to him and the op how to proceed.

(Not being soppy btw but I think the op is great, she really is trying to do what is best for everyone and I wish her all the good fortune in the world for the future.)

I can totally understand why it's easier to make the OW out as being a nutcase or something but I think it's really unfair. She's pregnant, doesn't want to abort - that might've suited your DP but it obviously isn't something she wanted to do. I can see why when panicking and stressed she'd try and make contact with his family. She's obviously feeling very let down by him.

It is a horrible mess and it's not fair on the OP at all. I'm still firmly in the camp that I couldn't get over this.

@wewillmeetagaim

Accepted.

But it’s people opinions. The only two people who know for sure that condoms were used are the husband and the other woman.

But there are so many red flags.

A woman living at home with strict and moralistic parents puts it out on the second date !?

She tells her parents she was in a relationship with the Ops husband.

She may have believed or actually been in a relationship with him and the husband has minimised everything to return to the comfortable family life. Or he may not.

She got in touch with his parents with seemingly a view to engage them with the baby.

She views that Op has ‘ stolen ‘ him back. Seriously, after three dates !?

Did the husband tell her he was going back to his wife !?

What were the circumstances when the husband left the other woman !?

She wants the husband to seemingly be in the baby’s life.

The other woman maybe be batshit crazy...... but is she really !? Maybe the husband is a saint who made a mistake, but maybe he’s a minimising and duplicitous bastard !?

It’s all conjecture. Only two people really know. Even the Op really doesn’t know the full truth.

My view is, I feel desperately sorry for the Op, her kids and the unborn.

I’ve had life experience for what’s coming to her.

My opinion is, I think there is more to this than the Op knows.....

All this conjecture and opinions over what did and didn't happen, whether or not he cheated etc, doesn't help the OP in the slightest.

What she needs is support, advice and a handhold.

Thinking of you OP

I don't think there is more in terms of a relationship between the H and the OW. OP has seen all the messages including the ones that the woman sent to his mother. It seems very much like a few dates and not a relationship of any kind.

"I've seen the messages she has sent even to his family members. It was definitely not a relationship. She even said in the messages to his mum if she keeps the child can she ask him to consider a relationship with her even just to try see if they could work. I don't see a few dates as a relationship at all."

That's quite the request for her to make, knowing he's gone back to his wife and family.

@FascinatingWeather

I don't think there is more in terms of a relationship between the H and the OW. OP has seen all the messages including the ones that the woman sent to his mother. It seems very much like a few dates and not a relationship of any kind.

"I've seen the messages she has sent even to his family members. It was definitely not a relationship. She even said in the messages to his mum if she keeps the child can she ask him to consider a relationship with her even just to try see if they could work. I don't see a few dates as a relationship at all."

That's quite the request for her to make, knowing he's gone back to his wife and family.

She's pregnant and alone. The OP has seen the messages but nobody other than her DP and the OW will know what was said when they were actually together. I'm not suggesting there was a long standing relationship or anything. But she may have felt very differently to how DP says he feels.

In my opinion, the only person that comes out of this situation badly is DP. He has monumentally messed things up and it is now a matter of whether the OP can cope with the situation as it now is. I personally, couldn't. He is asking too much.

A woman living at home with strict and moralistic parents puts it out on the second date !?

On one level that makes some sense. Maybe she's from a devoutly religious background that disapproves of abortion but also of unmarried/single mothers hence her desperation to be in a relationship with her baby's father?

OTOH, I agree with you, it's unlikely a woman from that kind of background would have slept with a man on a second date. She would more likely have been in a relationship with a man who she thought had genuinely separated from his wife.

But there's no point speculating really. The OP has to decide whether this is something she's prepared to live with long-term.

Perhaps. But I can't help but feel cynical. Asking if she keeps the baby will he have a relationship with her and leave his wife and kids is a pretty clear indication that was her plan in keeping it. That is just not the right reason to have a baby at all. If she wanted the baby just for the baby's sake and all the love that that entails, and not as a hold on the father then she wouldn't give two hoots that the OP is present when the father sees the child.

it was bad enough when my dh ex made it complicated in seeing his children at our house

this woman is already saying you will never see the child-how does that even work

does he have to go round to hers andplay happy families everytime he wants to see his child

then a court order which i know for a fact people dont stick to-they make excuses and then your in and out of court for years trying to sort it

he will also have to go with her to the registry office if he wants to be named as father as theyre not married

As I I understand it:

The OW can put the husbands name on the birth certificate. Without him being there.

But unless he was married to her, or present with his own birth certificate to actually sigh the child’s birth certificate, he has no parental rights. Technically.

He and her have to agree an adjudication or it goes to court, if he wants access and she doesn’t want him to.

Likewise, he just can’t demand a paternity test, she can refuse. He needs the mother’s permission.

It would not look good at all if he sneakily took a swab then tried to present it to a court.

As has been said up thread, the OW holds all the aces regarding the child.

And I think she’s going to play them. Op is going to be an unwitting and innocent player in a card game she can’t win.

Of course the Op needs all the advice, support and information she can get. And I’m happy to be corrected on any of the above.

But these are just examples of the shitshow that is about to enfold.

Forewarned is forearmed.

Op, before anything, protect your position and that of your children.

Stay strong.

The OW can put the husbands name on the birth certificate. Without him being there

He will need to be there to sign the register if he is not married to the mother. There is none of this 'put him on/don't put him on' if unmarried. He will have to attend the appointment (which relies on her telling him about it) or he will need to be added at a later date using the legal court process which will involve a DNA test (which will need to be a court approved one, not just a cheap one). If a court order is needed for contact and he is not on the birth certificate, then the courts will more than likely order the DNA test and have him put on the certificate so he has parental rights. Until then, he is technically (and legally) anyone at all and has no rights whatsoever regarding the child.

It is very important to understand as an unmarried father that you need to be present at the registering of the birth to have the rights. Too many mothers assume they can do what they want regarding a child's paternity but that loophole was closed some time ago. It is not within a mother's control to 'permit' or deny paternity. A marriage certificate assumes paternity so the father doesn't need to be present.

@Fabiofatshaft i agree that the people who are really innocent in all this are the op, her kids and this unborn child. I to have had experience of this situation, and it turned out that my ex dp was a lying, duplicitous bastard. However the ow was also batshit crazy, immature, spiteful and unhinged. People may say she was like that because of the way he treated her but knowing of her behaviour towards others in the past i find that highly unlikely. The outcome of it all is that there is now a fatherless child with a mother who is more hell bent on causing drama and aggravation than she is on her childs well being. My ex dp wants absolutely nothing to do with the child or her. The child was conceived during a month long affair which was spent mostly drinking, taking drugs and having sex. She told him she was keeping the baby no matter what he wanted and immediately started acting as though they were a long term couple. Trying to involve herself with his friends and family. While they deserve each other, that poor child is the real victim in all of this.

Maybe Fabio isn't in the UK - but in the UK, certainly the OW can NOT put OP's DH's name on the birth certificate unless he either goes with her or gives her a statutory declaration admitting he's the father (I doubt the court order situation would apply here)

Unmarried parents
The details of both parents can be included on the birth certificate if one of the following happens:

• they sign the birth register together
• one parent completes a statutory declaration of parentage form and the other takes the signed form to register the birth
• one parent goes to register the birth with a document from the court (for example, a court order) giving the father parental responsibility.