Could you accept a 'love child?'

[Namechangeforthisone83]

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

If the tables were turned and you had got pregnant during the three month break would he support you? He will always be able to hold her over your head, at the moment he wants you as you support him, what happens if you have a disagreement? He has a ready made family to go to. I admire women who can make it work but if it was me I would move on.

Also you’re only in your 20s, you have so much time, you could look back and really regret wasting this time on him.

I just don’t see how the space of three months was enough time to start ‘going on dates’ as well, considering you decided to get back together as well. Just seems so iffy.

It's not always that easy to move on when you have a home and children; in this case it is a fact that husband and wife love each other and want to work on their marriage, he does not want to live with the OW with whom he had a brief fling. Everyone in this scenario could end up very unhappy.

If the woman hadn't become pregnant there would be no issue, nobody would have known about her but what's done is done.

I know if I had had a break in my marriage and become pregnant my husband would have had me back and supported me because he loved me, however that is all hypothetical because I would not have become pregnant, no way.

It's entirely up to the op and her husband to work out what to do, there will be problems whichever way they go but a few years down the line they'll know if it was worth it or not. It's not for us with our own agendas to make their minds up for them.

@VinylDetective

I know *@RootyT00t*. One of my exceedingly rare reports.

Same here. Horrified.

@LizFlowers is absolutely spot on here.

I know if I had had a break in my marriage and become pregnant my husband would have had me back and supported me because he loved me, however that is all hypothetical because I would not have become pregnant, no way.

I’m very impressed that your husband would be happy to bring you and your exs child up as his own. As well as keeping up a polite relationship with the child’s father, facilitating contact, Dealing with all the issues in a blended family, explaining to everyone that it was his step child but yes you were still married. Etc etc

Good for him. I don’t know of any men who I have done that but I’m pleased to hear that there’s at least one.

That doesn’t mean the Op has to do it.

If I became pregnant on a break from my marriage, and chose to keep the child I would expect my husband to leave me. I would expect that would mean the end of the marriage for both of us.

The difference with the OP is her husband has no choice. None. And this does make a difference in my opinion.

Although I still personally couldn't continue in the marriage, I understand that some people could and should stay in it and I admire the OP for trying as hard as she has been, but walking away is always an option if it gets too much.

LizFlowers that is an excellent post.

OP I just want to say that I think it is not humiliating if your partner cheats on you, it says more about them than it does about you.

I don't see how any of this is your fault or responsibility.

There is going to be a baby, assuming this baby is really the OP's DH's baby (and I 100% agree a paternity test is essential before any more disruption) then whether people know or do not know, the OP can hold her head up high that this is not of her doing. I hate the idea women are somehow held responsible for their partners behaviour (and vice versa - although it doesn't happen so often that men are blamed for their wives behaviour!).

So OP whatever you decide to do, you do not need to feel humiliated - which ever way you decide to go.

I want to wish you all the best either way.

Nobody is saying the op has to do anything! The point is it is entirely up to her.

Regarding the 'me&myhusband' scenario, it is purely hypothetical; I know my husband would have loved me enough to support me, how well it would have worked we cannot tell because it didn't happen. It's quite different for the op and her husband because the new child will not be living with them.

I think we on here, who do not know any of the people involved, should just be supportive of the op whatever she does.

@nighttimetalk

Same kind of issue accept husband met his one night stand a month before he met me, found out 6 months into our relationship, by then we were madly in love. The woman's batshit crazy, seemed to think they were going to have a happily every after, wouldn't leave him alone or his family. Invited him to meet the child then revoked it and basically him and his son have no contact now, but she gets a nice healthy 450 maintenance a month through cms, doesn't know where they live or anything.

It's tested out relationship in some ways, the maintenance mainly... but it's also made us so strong. We are a unit and have each other's back, and he will have the most respect for you for being by his side. We all make mistake... just remember that. It was shit what he did. It remember he didn't go out his way to try and get someone pregnant, he had sex with someone on a break, and if no terms were set it is what it is. If you love him stand by him. You will get through it I promise you this. He needs to get a contact agreement in place, if this woman is as batshit as you say, it might be a good thing the child does have you in their life

That's absolutely nothing like the OP's situation!

I think that when his child is here and he’s rushing to the hospital to see it, nipping off to spend a few hours with it around hers (and you know she wants him for herself), you see things he’s bought for it, see photos on his phone of it, then the reality will hit big time. I think you’d have to be inhuman not to be bitterly affected by it. Your MH will suffer badly I think.

He obviously didn’t care enough about you not to fuck another woman as soon as you weren’t around. He didn’t use a condom knowing he would risk a pregnancy when he was still married and already had DC he was responsible for. This new baby is going to take his money, time and emotions from them not to mention the effect it will have on them that Daddy has a baby with a strange woman they don’t know. How will you cope with them talking about the baby when they’ve seen it and visit it? How will the other woman behave towards your children if she insists on being present when they visit it?

I know that would still be an issue whether you’re with him or not but the justifiable resentment and anger I would feel towards my ‘H’ for putting us all in that situation would be too much to bear.

You’re so young. I hope you realise soon that he’s really not worth it and you deserve to be loved by someone who doesn’t immediately find another woman to fuck without protection as soon as you hit a rough patch. If she hadn’t got pregnant would he have told you? You obviously had issues in your relation before he even did this .

I think that you need to know what level of involvement your DH will have in this child’s life and then decide if this is tolerable to you.

Will he be at the birth?
How much time will he spend with the child?
Could it be 50/50?
Where will this be?
How much time will your DCs spend with the child? Will it be all the time that your DH does - so that you are frequently left alone?

What will the arrangements be for Xmas, holidays, birthdays, your IL events - will this child and the mother be included?

How much will they do together as co parents - will he be involved with her parents, friends and family - and will your DC also be involved in any such events?

Is he likely to drop everything and go running if she needs him?

Is your objective never to be in the company of the child or it’s mother? Is that realistic? Is that too painful? Does that require too much manoeuvring and tension for you? How would your DCs feel?

If he can answer these Qs then you can decide how much of this is tolerable to you.

Sorry just read that he told you about them hooking up before you found out about the pregnancy. Still looks like he was keen to get some fun in while you were on your ‘break’.

How long into the break was it and who suggested a break BTW?

@LizFlowers

‘ Nobody is is saying the Op has to do anything, it’s entirely up to her ‘

Of course.

But the Op is in such a tizz, she’s come on here seeking advice, views and opinions.

And everyone is entitled to an opinion. The Op sounds intelligent and thus can filter out things for herself.

Perhaps seeking an alternative perspective.

Of all the men I’ve known and worked with all my life, perhaps one in a thousand have said they would forgive a cheating wife and bring up another man’s child. And that’s not an exaggeration.

If you told your husband the pregnancy was the result of a one night stand, then he consequently found out that you had in fact been in a relationship for nearly three months and had promised the other guy the Earth, would he still stay with you then !?

Your husband must be very, very special.

Many, many years ago I was in a similar position to the Op, but on the other side of the fence so to speak.

I have serious doubts that the op knows the full story.

It would be interesting to see the husbands response if the Op said, “ O.K. I’ve heard your side of the story, if we are going to make it work, I need to talk to her and hear her side “

I don’t know, but I’m guessing he’d turn white and shit himself.

Also if she’s due in the next few weeks then doesn’t it work out he was breaking lockdown to go and see her? Which isn’t very impressive either

I hasten to add, I did not cheat or make anyone pregnant, but I had to endure the blow back, trauma and misery for years.

Oops sorry read properly and seen you are not the in the UK.

I wish I hadn't mentioned my late husband. It was a purely hypothetical scenario but I know he would have forgiven me had I strayed. Whether I'd have ever forgiven myself is another matter.

We've all given opinions, I have definitely not tried to advise.

Let's see what happens now.

@LizFlowers

I wish I hadn't mentioned my late husband. It was a purely hypothetical scenario but I know he would have forgiven me had I strayed. Whether I'd have ever forgiven myself is another matter.

We've all given opinions, I have definitely not tried to advise.

Let's see what happens now.

Sorry about your husband. 💖

OP I admire your focus on your own DC and I hope your dh will also focus on them too as this mess unfolds.
Don't rush to make any decisions. Be very clear to him about what is endurable for you. He does not need to go to the birth. He is not ow's partner and it is not his job to provide her with emotional support. His job is to love the baby(I know this will feel hard for you) and to maintain clear and professional boundaries with its mother.

The part that is deeply unfair in this situation is all about op having to make it okay, forgive, share her family, special occasions, love a child that highlights her husbands betrayal, be okay with her children forming a relationship with their step brother or sister conceived this way, she’s now connected to this other woman forever - and she didn’t create this mess, yet has to suffer the most! She has to deal with all of the emotions, suffering and problems going forward.

OP my experience is different but I have to say that this will affect your kids. DD's father had another child with another woman, and after meeting her half sibling and spending time with her it all blew up between her father and the mother. In my case, the father was the problem. But I'm the one consoling a 9 year old who now has no contact with her sister and have no way of easing that for her because the mother and I have no communication. The father disappeared. The other mother is not my problem and I'm not hers but there's DD stuck in the middle of problems an adult has placed her in. It's a mess but I can't resolve it. No matter which parent is being difficult they can hurt the kids with the issue they created. It sounds like this woman could create a situation similar whether you split or not.

Hand on heart, if I had to face the actual reality of my DH having a child with another woman, being involved at its birth etc, I could not handle it. I'd rather have a painful swift end, than ongoing deep ache. However, I would insist on your DH having a DNA test, as it feels a bit of a shakedown by that woman, especially since he is adament that he used a condom. If it turned out not to be his baby, I'd have some serious couple's therapy but probably give the marriage another go.

Good luck in whatever you choose op.
I am furious for you. How dare he put you and your DC in this position. I know I wouldn’t be able to see past it. I also know it isn’t the fault of the baby but the baby would be a trigger for me as ashamed as I am to say it. As much as I would try to think fondly of an innocent child each I would find it so difficult for to feel jealous for my own DC, time with the baby will be time spent away from my own DC time they missed out on their DF. Money spent on the baby, will no longer benefit my own DC.
Then there would be the difficulty of mixed messages. I categorically think what your DH did was wrong. How on earth can/should you reassure DC (esp the 9 year old) that it is ok? Of course those children will feel confused by it.
I completely agree with the wins posted by a op above. The answers of those and your emotional gut reaction to them will be the best indicator of how you will cope. But I would urge you to think carefully, as ducking out now would be more gentle on your DC than doing so once they have started to bond with their new sibling and sudo SM.

So whilst you were undoubtedly having a small breather and doing a lot of thinking, he was out shagging someone else. Says it all OP. I wouldn’t accept this child OR him in my life.