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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Could you accept a 'love child?'

737 replies

Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 15:58

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

OP posts:
Ginfennelrosemary · 01/02/2021 14:15

Oh OP, massive sympathies.

How come DH came back to the marriage after the separation? What reasons did he give?

You are still reeling from the shocks... you might yet start to feel very betrayed.

user1481840227 · 01/02/2021 14:21

@FascinatingWeather

Perhaps. But I can't help but feel cynical. Asking if she keeps the baby will he have a relationship with her and leave his wife and kids is a pretty clear indication that was her plan in keeping it. That is just not the right reason to have a baby at all. If she wanted the baby just for the baby's sake and all the love that that entails, and not as a hold on the father then she wouldn't give two hoots that the OP is present when the father sees the child.
I don't think that that's a clear indication at all that that was her plan in keeping it. She could have wanted to keep the baby regardless but now she really wants them to be together as a family unit.

Also to say that she wouldn't give two hoots if the OP was present when the father sees the child is nonsense. She would probably be imagining the OP getting involved and feeding the baby and soothing the baby and no new mother would want a 'stepmother' to do that when their baby is tiny. Women may allow friends or family to do it and bond with the baby if they're babysitting or visiting or so on but not a 'stepmother'.

user1481840227 · 01/02/2021 14:25

*But there are so many red flags.

A woman living at home with strict and moralistic parents puts it out on the second date !?*

That's really not a red flag. It's pretty common that people break the rules in those situations, even these days if their parents are that strict and they are also brainwashed by religion and told it's a very bad sin, they still often break the 'rules'.

FascinatingWeather · 01/02/2021 15:25

@user1481840227

Given that she has also said the OP 'stole' her husband back, I think it would be very naive not to think it has played some part in her mindset. Why is she so hostile in regards to the OP also being present around her child, if there wasn't an element of wedge-driving or competitiveness in her mind?

FascinatingWeather · 01/02/2021 15:31

Sorry @user1481840227 didn't finish reading the rest of your post before I replied.

My comment was in reference to the OPs statement on the women not wanting the child to do overtime stays, which one would assume would not be happening as a baby for understandable reasons. I think to not even let her meet the child as she grows up is a little off.

user1481840227 · 01/02/2021 16:09

@FascinatingWeather
Perhaps you're right about the first thing but it's absolutely normal for a mother to not want another woman around their new baby if they think they are going to be in a stepmother role, that's not wedge-driving or competitiveness and I think that for the mother she would see the 'stepmothers' involvement as possibly wedge-driving in her own relationship with the baby.

As for saying she wouldn't ever let the baby do overnight stays or even have the op around the baby as the child grows up, obviously that's not realistic but it's a fear that many women would have and have to eventually come to terms with. It's a threat she's throwing out now because she still has the baby in her womb and her hormones and emotions are obviously very strong about it! Perhaps she would keep the threat up as the baby gets older but at that point like all mothers in that situation she will have no choice but to concede and allow that to happen.

Hope4theBestPlan4theWorst · 01/02/2021 16:44

This happend to my friend and she couldn't stand it so she ended it

You have to think about your children too and how it will affect them aswell as this promotes the idea it's ok to cheat on Mummy

He'll also be liable for maintenance which will affect your standard of living

I think if it was me I'd tell him to pack his bags

Lesserspottedmama · 01/02/2021 16:53

Oh god OP I am so sorry, what an incredibly hurtful situation. I know you love him but I would be feeling incredibly betrayed and it’s hard to see how you could be happy together going forward with this poor child’s mother constantly hovering on the edge with hatred towards you. What a nightmare for you and your children. Your DH has messed up on a monumental scale. I couldn’t accept that situation.

Bibidy · 01/02/2021 17:11

Na, sorry, I couldn't do it.

It's hard enough being a step-parent, but being a step-parent to a child my husband conceived after we were together, even if on a break, would be too much for me.

It would blow my mind that another woman had slept with MY husband and was now trying to mess us about and pull the strings, saying she didn't want me around the child...as if you'd want to be around your husband's lovechild anyway.

Sorry but I couldn't deal with this.

fireme · 01/02/2021 17:18

I couldn't do it personally, what an awful situation.

The childs mother cannot demand that you are not around the baby. If you are going to make this work your husband needs to tell her that the baby will be around you and that's that. She has no right to say otherwise unless you are a danger which you are clearly not. He should get a dna done then go to court to get formal access, that way she can't dictate everything.

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 17:31

Would he be able to cope if you had become pregnant by another man whilst on a 3 month break?

Sssloou · 01/02/2021 17:39

If you are going to make this work your husband needs to tell her that the baby will be around you and that's that.

I don’t think the OP has expressed a wish to be around the child. Maybe she wants her DH to care for this child alone elsewhere - but how much time away from his original family will he take to do this? Will his original children go too? So the OP is left alone for long periods?

annabellacomestotea · 01/02/2021 17:42

I had an affair with a man who ended up getting another woman pregnant 5 months after we met (consider it a quick dose of karma.) I thought I could accept it at first (when I though that the child had been conceived prior to our relationship) but upon realising he had lied about that, I realised I could not accept it, primarily because the child was a constant reminder of his lying/falseness.

Fabiofatshaft · 01/02/2021 17:50

@ fireme

In an ideal world, I might agree with you.

But in this scenario, the OW can decide EVERYTHING. If she has a mind to, she can be as awkward and difficult as fuck.

My very first comment was ‘ It’s a clusterfuck ‘

It’s going to get worse, not better.

The Op has to decide what’s best for her and her children.

Personally, whilst her husband may want to involve himself in this child’s upbringing, I don’t understand why he needs to be involved at such an early stage whilst the child is still a baby.’

Perhaps the Op can explain her husbands mindset !?

blackcurrantjam · 01/02/2021 18:04

I think if I was the OP, I'd be inclined to get out of this situation and let my husband own what's happened. I wouldn't mind the child so much, would understand OWs standpoint while a baby and actually would probably support her pov about overnight stays lol. But no I think it would be a no to the husband. He made his bed, time to lie in it. Separating/divorcing I think would actually create safety, security and space for the existing children with OP. Boundaries would be clearer etc. Sad but true. What a nightmare OP Flowers

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/02/2021 18:21

She's not 'OW' as people keep saying, she's someone OP's husband had sex with while they were on a break. He may have told her it was just a break / he may have told her it was permanent / he may have told her anything but he definitely didn't tell her he was married and monogamous, so she is not the 'other woman'.

RootyT00t · 01/02/2021 18:22

@Hope4theBestPlan4theWorst

This happend to my friend and she couldn't stand it so she ended it

You have to think about your children too and how it will affect them aswell as this promotes the idea it's ok to cheat on Mummy

He'll also be liable for maintenance which will affect your standard of living

I think if it was me I'd tell him to pack his bags

No it doesn't. Kids don't think like that.

It promotes the idea that life isn't black and white and people can work through things

IHateCoronavirus · 01/02/2021 18:37

I disagree. Kids do process things in a very black and white/good vs bad sort of way. They have to be taught to see the greys, and the process they would be going through as they come to terms with that information could be very damaging. It is not a situation I’d be putting my children into.
“So mum, why weren’t we enough for dad? Why has he had another baby with another lady?”
At nine years old the oldest will be beginning to gain understanding of conception. Is this really something that you want to condone at this stage. Teach them to accept betrayal?

RootyT00t · 01/02/2021 18:39

@IHateCoronavirus

I disagree. Kids do process things in a very black and white/good vs bad sort of way. They have to be taught to see the greys, and the process they would be going through as they come to terms with that information could be very damaging. It is not a situation I’d be putting my children into. “So mum, why weren’t we enough for dad? Why has he had another baby with another lady?” At nine years old the oldest will be beginning to gain understanding of conception. Is this really something that you want to condone at this stage. Teach them to accept betrayal?
The bit about not being enough for daddy I fine.

But no, I don't think young children will process cheating.

I also don't think choosing to workon your marriage if that's what you want (assuming theres no abuse etc) is the worst example ether.

Bibidy · 01/02/2021 18:42

I don't think it will be a problem for the kids but in OP's shoes I couldn't handle it myself.

The woman already sounds like she's going to be a nightmare, she will be constantly messing around, trying to get OP's DH to go round her house or do things with her and her child. If she genuinely just wanted the child to have a relationship with its dad she wouldn't have been harrassing his family trying to get them to convince him to leave.

It is hard enough in situations where your partner has previously had a relationship with a difficult woman, let alone where this has happened in this middle of your own relationship and not this nutcase is pulling all the strings and controlling (by default) a portion of your life.

Sorry but in this scenario I'd be giving my DH the choice - either we split up or he has as little to do with this woman as possible. Visits with the kid, fine, but if she messes him around about it to try and gain control then he needs to accept that and back off, not force the rest of our lives to revolve around it.

Chailatteplease · 01/02/2021 18:45

I couldn’t. I think I would resent the child and that wouldn’t be fair on anyone.

I feel for you though OPFlowers

Skybooks · 01/02/2021 18:57

I've read the OP posts for full thread and skimmed most so sorry if this has been answered.

You were on a break approx 8 months ago. May 2020 the middle of lockdown and a pandemic and you 'd'h met someone on a nugget out and started a sexual relationship where exactly. Wasnt everything closed?

Anyway I'm so sorry this is happening to you and u really hope you find the outcome that is best for you, your children and the new baby. This isnt going to be easy and you are going to need support.

BaronessWrongCrowd · 01/02/2021 18:57

But no, I don't think young children will process cheating.

Having had my mother point out to me (at the age of four while out shopping) on seeing my father with the OW that he was having an affair with "that is the woman your dad left us for." That has stuck with me for the rest of my life. So yes, young children might process cheating but they will put two and two together at some point.

I certainly knew that what was happening at nine (it was a long term affair) I knew it wasn't right. I also knew at 11 when my father got the OW pregnant that it was wrong. And now in my 40's I have had issues with anxiety and mental health for being put in that situation. I love my younger sibling but have never forgiven the adults involved.

This situation will be deeply damaging for the children if not handled correctly.

Fabiofatshaft · 01/02/2021 19:09

UK

I took the information off the government website, but I take the knee to people more knowledgeable.

After dealing with similar shit, quite some time ago, I tend to be more pragmatic about Op’s situation.

Here is just one possible and very real, very, very shitty scenario that could happen and why the only advice I would offer is, protect yourself and your children and ring fence your ‘ rights ‘

1.) OW women has baby, husband is found to be in fact, the father after a DNA test.

2.) husband has his name put on the birth certificate to give him parental and visitation rights.

3.) He involves himself in baby’s life.

4.) God forbid, Op and her husband are involved in a fatal accident some eighteen months down the line, but Op’s kids are fine.

5.) Love child has a cast iron right to a third of any assets / monies bequeathed to the children.

6.) OW essentially has control of the ‘ love child’s assets / monies.

Now let’s say Op’s and husband’s property is worth, say £300,000

And the insurance equity is worth £300,000

Then £200,000 or there abouts will go to the ‘ Love child ‘

7.) Guess who will control ‘ Love child’s inheritance ‘ !?

Now most people who get married, have children, build a life, usually plan to leave their assets / monies to their children so they can have a great start in life.

I’m sure Op in her wildest imaginations never thought that the life / assets she and her husband built to eventually leave their children would be split three ways.......

It isn’t just the emotional trauma Op and her children have to deal with, it’s the financial and legal ramifications as well.

I’m pretty sure, as harsh as it sounds, her husband never gave a second thought to Op or her kids when he stuck his dick in the other woman.

combatbarbie · 01/02/2021 19:24

Oh OP I feel for you. I did actually have to check the dates as this sounded very very familiar. In the situation I know of, the partner was not the father of the child but the shit storm and drama leading up to this was exactly how you described.

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