What's the worst thing your parents have said to you?

[again2020]

Posting on here for solidarity and to prevent me from venting to anyone in real life.

I've been offered 4 days at work from September, up from my usual 3. My parents used to do a bit of childcare before my daughter went to nursery. I broached the subject with them today about childcare 1 day a week (support bubble) and my dad had a huge rant and lost his temper with me, saying he finds DD hard work and he doesn't enjoy seeing his children or grandchildren and he doesn't have many years left to do what he wants (he's 71). Fair enough, a bit upsetting but I know not everyone wants to be childcare for their grandkids.

He later came and said his children (me and DB) have been a huge disappointment and he wouldn't recommend being a parent to anyone.

So as not to drip feed, DB is a recovering addict. He's getting a lot better though. I'm in a difficult relationship and am on antidepressants. But I don't think we've been terrible children or become terrible people. I'm sat on my own upset waiting for DD to finish playing with my mum and I don't plan on coming back to see them anytime soon.

Handhold, anyone? What's the worst thing a parent has said to you?

I was just thinking this sort of outburst could be the start of dementia or a sign of mental health issues. Or is he just a cunt?

Have you read any of the posts on this thread.

Do you think that all of these so-called parents have dementia/MH issues?

Clue: No, they are mostly just cunts.

@SparkysMagicPiano

I was just thinking this sort of outburst could be the start of dementia or a sign of mental health issues. Or is he just a cunt?

Have you read any of the posts on this thread.

Do you think that all of these so-called parents have dementia/MH issues?

Clue: No, they are mostly just cunts.

All right chill yourself. I'm clearly specifically referring to the op.

What the fuck is wrong with people on mumsnet? Always looks for the nastiest interpretation of a post. I also clearly said it could be mh or dementia or he's a cunt

I'm also wondering are you ok? This sort of anger isn't normal. I'm sorry for you if you have had some difficulties with parents. But honestly being pissy with people on mumsnet isn't the answer. You've wilfully mis-interpreted my post so you can have a go.

@Lauren551

I am glad you told your Crap deadbeat father what you really thought of him.!

What you said obviously hit a Nerve with him, going by his put down comment such as saying your life is just average etc.

You put in his place and showed him up for what he really is a Arsehole !
Feel proud of yourself that you have achieved what you have already in your life so far.
Your have done your mother proud,and your grandparents.

@Lilacpheonix
That's a really difficult thing to do achieve breaking the Dysfunctional generational Toxic family Cycle of repeating itself .

Feel proud of yourself,hope your children feel proud of you too.

Ps I know how much a struggle it is , as i was brought up inchildren's homes etc.

When I was about 14 and a size 6 that I had a fat arse and no wonder it was so fat because I was so lazy , she said it in a rage and I know she didn’t mean it but I’ve literally hated my body ever since

OP I hope you are ok. What has your mum said.

When I was about 14 and a size 6 that I had a fat arse

My mum said similar to me and I was a similar size.

Only she did mean it. She said it was one of the reasons no one would ever love me or want me. She said it often.

It affected me so badly that I can't date at all now and even when men have complimented me on my arse, it fills me with such rage, disgust and self loathing that I've dumped them.

I had a guy tell me a couple of years ago, "Cute arse by the way," I was lying on my side in bed after the first time we'd had sex, he climbed over me to go to the loo and kissed my bum as he said it.

I made excuses not to see him for a fortnight and then dumped him. I couldn't get over the repulsion it made me feel.

I'm actually more comfortable with men who don't pay me compliments at all. I see them as at least honest. And neither of us have to go through the charade of them pretending to find me attractive and me pretending I believe them. But then there's usually a reason they aren't complimenting and that's that they don't find me attractive at all

It's all just fucked up in my head.

Dacquoise

Just remembered one of my DMs nasty putdowns. Announced to 'family friends' who we barely ever saw that they were sending me to see a psychiatrist because I had dropped some coal from the fire accidentally onto the carpet. It was in front of their children. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. My dad, who was normally deaf to her insults, even tried to smooth it over. It's taken a lot of therapy to convince me I don't have mental problems. Therapist suspects DM has a personality disorder.

I was similarly gaslighted into thinking I had quite serious MH issues. I apparently used to sleepwalk when I was about 9/10 so my mother locked up all the knives in the house and tied rope around the bannisters to stop me getting downstairs as she was terrified I’d murder everyone in their sleep. Caused me severe issues with sleeping all through my teenage years until I left home at 18 as I was scared to fall asleep in case I did what she said I would . When I had sleep deprivation after having my own DC, I was haunted by the same fear and used to panic as soon as I woke up that I may have sleepwalked and killed them. It was horrific and I suffered for years . My youngest DC started sleepwalking at around the same age and my only fear was that he’d hurt HIMSELF!

She also used to tell me she was taking me to the looney bin, that I needed a shrink, that I was doolally, evil, twisted, that I had killed our new kitten (when I was 8) because I’d heard it meowing outside and didn’t go downstairs to let it in but that was the worst.

I have undergone quite a lot of therapy as I have had OCD from childhood after my father left, and I was SA by an older sibling, and my therapist also believed my mother was a narc who had to ‘break me down’ so our dirty family secret didn’t come out and if it did, no one would believe me such as the way I’d been painted. She told everyone how nasty and spiteful I was (I wasn’t!) but funnily enough never sought any professional advice! It took about 5 years of therapy to convince me I wasn’t insane and it was her who wasn’t normal .

@CoronaIsShit, that's very interesting what you say about the gaslighting. My DM was up to all sorts in front of us when we were small children including having sex with an in law whilst we were running round the bed playing. I think she was very threatened by me, being the truth teller and scapegoat. She waged a campaign for years against me and recruited my golden child DB to help her. Constantly taunted for being quiet and withdrawn because of her emotional abuse and gained a reputation for being the 'weird' one.

I can now see that my 'behaviour ' was a perfectly normal reaction to trauma but the label has stuck with me and is difficult to shift. My go to under stress is to look for faults in myself. It's the gift that keeps on giving isn't it?🥴

@dacquoise yes it is. I am the scapegoat in my FOO

My father went to a psychiatric hospital when I was about 15, he was depressed but was also having paranoia and imagining things that weren't real. Yet SOMEHOW, I emerged from all of this with the label of paranoid. Can you imagine a clearer case of projection? I am not paranoid, so it's a ridiculous label. I was far too trusting, I am a people pleaser (although, trying to conquer it). I told my mother not to gloss over decades of calling me paranoid like it was NO BIG DEAL and she threw herself up on the cross. Her foot soldier (my dad) came over to tell me off for hurting Mum. My brother told me not to mention the fact that dad went to a psychiatric hospital as it hurts his feelings. My Mum told me that Dad had had a hard year and to stop being so difficult. They all support each others' right to have feelings and to not allow others to hurt their feelings but they all gang up on me and get angry with me if i say ''wait, why are you still labelling me paranoid? why did you ever call me paranoid! That hurt! Stop!''.

That is interpreted as an act of aggression against them. For the first time in my life I've blocked my parents. Normally we smooth things over but always in a way that erodes me slightly.

I find it very hard to stay calm around my parents. I'm always about to explode with rage.

But in other situations where there is a potential conflict that might have to be navigated, I freeze and wither. so I have two different trauma responses.

@Oldbutstillgotit

My twin brother died when we were children. Although it happened 60 years ago I still remember my Mum saying that she wished it had been me not him .

Unbelievable. HOW could it have helped her even in her grief to have said something so nasty.

xx

@WhatWouldZenoDo, can totally relate to the messed up dynamic you describe. I have been NC with my whole family for around ten years now. Never been happier and able to be the person I
really am . Unfortunately being the family scapegoat doesn't change. It's a label for life and unlikely to change. There's some great support on the Stately Homes thread for fellow scapegoatees if you need it . Congratulations on your escape. We're are the lucky ones ironically as we get to escape the asylum.

Yes, I'm a frequent name changer but have been driven to create a few threads all of my own! I read the stately homes threads. There are a few stars on there, @atilathemeerkat for one.

It is sad though. I have felt some peace this last month since I blocked my m&d. All they were saying to me ''are you still having a tantrum?'' and things like that. I had told them forty times why they upset me and they were replying with ''what on earth is wrong with you that you're shouting like this?''.

They have so many strategies and techniques for not hearing me

I am only getting it now, how committed they are to NOT hearing me.

I'm fifty and I"m only finally getting it now. I knew their parenting wasn't great but .... dots have been joined up at full speed lately.

How do you let go of that impossible dream that one day they'll get it? One day they'll see that they hurt you, and feel regret about that!?

Because they are almost good people, apart from the fact that they can't seem to grasp that I have the same right to hurt feelings as they do, apart from that blind spot, they seem like good people. They certainly identify as good people anyway

I hate to say this but good people don't single out a child to be the scapegoat of the family's dysfunction. I can hear the hurt and longing in your posts. Most normal people can see how unfair and unreasonable their behaviour is but unfortunately the dysfunctional dynamic survives on denial.

I am 10 years down the line and can honestly say I don't care anymore. 'Meh' is how I feel when I think of my parents. I pity them but don't love them. I save that for my DD and my partner. I hope you get there too.

My mother told me when I was around ten or eleven years old about how she was so desperate to abort me she drank gallons of gin and vodka in the hottest bath water she could tolerate, because she’d been knobbing the man next door who was her best friend’s husband. I think the worst thing is how pleased and proud I felt at the time to have been admitted to this world of adult confidences, it’s still not something I take as personally as I should. But imagine saying that to your child!

It was on a military base during the Vietnam war with personnel coming and going all the time so he could have been anyone but I figured it out then eventually did DNA testing to confirm. His lukewarm response followed by two years of mostly silence has been even worse than saying something horrible tbh

WhatWouldZenoDo

Oldbutstillgotit
My twin brother died when we were children. Although it happened 60 years ago I still remember my Mum saying that she wished it had been me not him .
sad

Unbelievable. HOW could it have helped her even in her grief to have said something so nasty.

xx

Thank you . My DM openly admitted she never wanted a daughter . She didn’t really like other women . I have an older DB who , in her eyes, was perfect so she wanted another son. She was disappointed when i arrived with my twin brother but completely distraught when he died .
We had a difficult relationship ( understatement) and despite me being very clever , going to Uni etc she never praised me . Very sad.
At her funeral my DB introduced me to a woman who had known my DM through a church group. Woman said she didn’t know DM had a daughter as she never had a daughter !
I have had counselling.

• had never mentioned a daughter

In the car on the way to my wedding "I suppose I should have asked you before really, but are you sure you're doing the right thing? I'm mean he's a bit of a drinker isn't he?"

Shortly after my dad died and she found out that he hadn't left a will and she therefore wasn't going to get any of his and his wife's cash, she decided it was my fault (no idea why) and told me she hoped my dad came back to haunt me. That was 10 years ago - haven't spoken to her since (unless you count the 'polite' "Hello" at my brothers wedding a few years back.

Going NC was one of the best things I've ever done (and I'm still married 24 years later and DH is not an alcoholic so far )

“You’re too fat to wear this”. “You’re too fat to do that”. Etc etc etc

When i was 11 my 14 year old wonderful darling brother collapsed and died at our dinner table from a fatal asthma attack. My mum, dad, brother and i were a super loving super close cash poor but love rich family. About 6 months after my brother died and i had just turned 12 years old, my mum admitted to me that she had loved my brother more than me. She said because of his asthma he had "always needed her more than me " and that she and him had "more in common with eachother" and that she felt she would be betraying his memory and betraying the special nature of their bond if she didn't honour it by verbalising it out in the open! I got hysterical...devestatingly hurt and angry and felt worthless....later that day she took an overdose and was rushed to hospital and at her bedside while she was recovering sure then told my 12 year old self that yet suicide attempt was MY fault because I'd I'd pushed her into revealing her secret which had brought her back to her same immediate grief after losing my brother!
So....that's a pretty shit set of stuff to have said to you by a parent too, right?!🥴

That was absolute shit @DoesKenDoddsDadsDogDoodle
and she was a cunt to say it. And I've had some pretty bad things said to me by my mum. I'd guess the balance of her (your mum) mind was disturbed but that's no excuse.

@DoesKenDoddsDadsDogDoodle wow that sounds horrenous. 😢

To all the others with the your fat, have fat thighs/.

My family said it all the time today I still dislike my body I live in t shirts and jeans.

She often likened me to an animal of some sort, a dog, a frog etc. A few times when I dared disagree with her as a child she would tell me she was done with me and I was no longer her daughter.