Thousands of messages between them

[Shockedupsetscared]

It's such a fucking cliche. I found out yesterday my DH has been messaging a woman. He doesn't know I know, I saw his phone while he was using his indoor bike. Some app I'd never even heard of, I looked at it because I was curious. I don't know how long it's been going on, I couldn't even scroll back far enough to the beginning but it's months. There are literally thousands of messages between them. Lots of them explicit, photos and videos, but lots of them not. In a weird way it's the ones that aren't that are worse, is that stupid? They're messaging every single day, there are dozens of messages between them while he's at work. He's told her about stuff going on at his office that he hasn't told me yet, mundane stuff. Stuff about the kids, we have two teenage DC. I work a couple of evenings a week and he tells her when I'm due to work so they can plan their "playtime" together when they swap photos and videos. From what I can see they're planning to meet when Covid allows. He's told her he loves her but they talk about not breaking up their marriages. I've pretended I have a migraine since yesterday because I can't face him but I don't know what to say or do. What the fuck do I do?

I couldn't stay in a relationship without intimacy and sexual.passion/desire. OP you have had plenty of time to address your own issues about your poor self image, and you have failed to do so- what did you expect to happen? What do you want to do now you are on the cusp of losing him?

@ravenmum

The poster is planning to leave, not have an affair. Sounds like a sensible plan if he no longer finds his wife sexually attractive.

Bit shit for the wife then isn't it. No mention of any discussion with the wife about the issue: poster just 'knows' they will leave in the future. No mention of the marital contract and the multiple other facets of a marriage like love, support, companionship, respect.

He was writing a few lines agreeing with someone else, not the whole inside story of his marriage.
It's not pathetic to be planning to leave someone. I wish my exh had been as brave.

It's not pathetic! I wouldn't find DH sexually attractive either if he spent years avoiding sex with me. Especially if I had tried to get him to enjoy it.
It's a good thing he recognises it and is planning on leaving.
What should he do? Carry on unhappy and sexually unfulfilled?
Sex is a massive part of marriage. It's the only thing that's different to other relationships!

@Runmybathforme

I am in no way defending your DH’s scabby behaviour, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it must be so painful, but I am wondering if your lack of intimacy is at the root of it. Sex isn’t just about the physical act is it ? The way you describe him, he sounds like the kind of chap who would value that connection, the intimacy of sex. It really is the glue that holds relationships together. I loved my husband so much, but due to illness, we couldn’t have sex for years, medication took his desires away also, so he didn’t even miss it, whereas I was miserable. A huge part of my life was over. I wasn’t unfaithful and loved him until he died, but our sex life was a massive loss and I craved that kind of intimacy more than I can say. I’m not suggesting you should be emotionally blackmailed into doing anything you don’t want to do, I’m just wondering if you had ever really addressed the issue ?

This is right. From how you described him he seems like a decent man. But a man with no sex can do things out of character he wanted sex with you but you didnt want sex with him. You can't take that desire away it will always be there in a man he has to have it women don't like to hear that but it's the truth they need it I'm not blaming you of course he has done wrong and he should have done more to talk to you about this but I do wonder when women don't have sex with their husband what do they expect him to do. He can't just put it in a box and forget about it that urge will always be there

got to love the victim blaming here

he isnt having sex so its ok that he has an emotinal affair and tells someone else he loves them?

wtf poor little man

Right?? I can't fucking stand victim blamers, they should be utterly ashamed of themselves (but they won't be).

OP, this is NOT your fault. He is an adult who is fully capable of communication, he chose not to and instead chose the route of having his ego massaged and fed from elsewhere.

OP, are you okay?

You'll get a lot of shit on this forum.

Half of them will call your DP a cunt and you a mug for not instantly setting fire to his belongings and robbing him blind in divorce.

The other half will tell you to lose weight and shag him back to you.

People here tend to project a lot.
No one has authority over you and the only thing you need to think about is yourself right now.

Please make sure you're taking care of yourself. Eat even if you don't feel like it, stay hydrated, talk to real people ❤️

I agree with @MizMoonshine in the main

OP, it doesn't matter right now if you didn't shag him into the ground 3 times a night. The only person who can answer your questions and tell you why he's done what he has done is him.

And I suspect the answer is rather prosaic and typical. Because he could? Because he wanted to? Because it's exciting? Because he's a bit bored?

What matters now is that you've found out and you need to think about what you're going to do and what you want going forward

If this was my husband of 20 years I'd be telling him what I've seen, telling him I've taken screenshots and asking him to explain himself. Does he want to end the marriage? Do you?

All things that need to be explored once the shock has worn off.

@YouJustDoYou

got to love the victim blaming here

he isnt having sex so its ok that he has an emotinal affair and tells someone else he loves them?

wtf poor little man

Right?? I can't fucking stand victim blamers, they should be utterly ashamed of themselves (but they won't be).

OP, this is NOT your fault. He is an adult who is fully capable of communication, he chose not to and instead chose the route of having his ego massaged and fed from elsewhere.

No one's victim blaming. What he did wasn't right and has utterly destroyed OP. But relationships have 2 sides. You can't go through life pretending that your actions have no consequences. The cheater will learn pretty quickly the consequences of his actions, so will OP. Let's not pretend that cheaters cheat for no reason or because they are evil. If you spend years over weight and embarrassed by your own body that you can't have sex with your spouse there will be consequences. If you cheat in your spouse there's consequences. He should have left the relationship. But he didn't. It's now time to face the truth OP and kick is ass out or work in the relationship. Neither will be easy.

What the hell is the matter with some of you.

If anyone is that unhappy in a relationship that they begin an emotional or physical affair then they should have left the relationship first.

OP you are not to blame that your DP is a slime ball.

@CanHearTheTune

What the hell is the matter with some of you.

If anyone is that unhappy in a relationship that they begin an emotional or physical affair then they should have left the relationship first.

OP you are not to blame that your DP is a slime ball.

Of course you are right. He should have left but he didn't. So you ask yourself why? Why did he cheat? What didn't he just leave? What could I have done differently? What could he have done differently? Would I be devastated if he left? Would I have changed my behaviour if he stated his unhappiness and wanted to leave? What path do I want to take now?

This isn’t “just” an emotional affair - it is also physical - currently - virtual as in lockdown - with “playtime” scheduled around the OPs work schedule - assume live online sex - and the sharing of thousands of sexual videos and loving messages in between.

He has said he loves her and they are planning to meet when lockdown lifts. He totally preoccupied with the OW shares all of his daily thoughts and musings with her all day long.

He is in v deep.

This is not some transactional thing to fill a defined gap need for sex. This is much more 24/7 and all encompassing.

I can see why the boring daily banter about your life shared between them hurts.

Your DH has gone way way further than seeking sexual gratification.

I suspect you are in deep shock - your life is not what you thought. You have no idea if this is his first affair. He seems sophisticated / experienced enough to know the ropes. When did he get into fitness?

Take it easy. You are in deep shock. It will unfold. You could do with some independent therapy just for you to guide, contain and process your feelings on this one way or another.

If you do stay for today, for now etc the onus is on him to repair the damage of this betrayal.

Don’t ask yourself questions as to why he cheated - ask him.

I think it’s interesting how you are blaming your weight gain on other things. On your sweet tooth, on lockdown, on the gym not being open. You just need to imagine how you want to be and stop eating , YOU are in charge of this.
losing weight can reinvigorate your sex life and he sounds like a really nice guy who just need someone to make him feel sexy.
Lots of married men message women for this very reason. For the thrill. The laugh. Feeling horny.

@PartoftheProbl3m

I think it’s interesting how you are blaming your weight gain on other things. On your sweet tooth, on lockdown, on the gym not being open. You just need to imagine how you want to be and stop eating , YOU are in charge of this. losing weight can reinvigorate your sex life and he sounds like a really nice guy who just need someone to make him feel sexy. Lots of married men message women for this very reason. For the thrill. The laugh. Feeling horny.

Lots of married men should bloody well grow up then!

I think the post from GoodbyeH listing the questions is really valuable. The question about whether you would have changed your behaviour if he had told you of his unhappiness. You probably would have sought help with your libido wouldn't you? The fact is, he never gave you the opportunity and it was via his inaction that you were led to believe that he was ok with the situation.

I would put money on them having met via Illicit encounters, it's a site specifically for married people who want an affair.

I have been where you are OP except the OW was a work colleague and they'd been having sex for months. I couldn't bring myself to read all of the messages between them (or the 40+ she sent me out of spite when he broke it off)

I don't think you need (or even want to) know all of the seedy details of their text exchange.

Whatever you decide to do you need to sit him down and tell him you know, how he responds will lead your decision making.

Please don't keep this in and allow yourself to suffer in silence on a daily basis whilst he carries on blissfully unaware.

@PartoftheProbl3m

I think it’s interesting how you are blaming your weight gain on other things. On your sweet tooth, on lockdown, on the gym not being open. You just need to imagine how you want to be and stop eating , YOU are in charge of this. losing weight can reinvigorate your sex life and he sounds like a really nice guy who just need someone to make him feel sexy. Lots of married men message women for this very reason. For the thrill. The laugh. Feeling horny.

and telling someone else he loves them?

And men who leave because they aren't attracted to their wives and want that relationship again are told they are shallow selfish cunts breaking up their family.
Funnily enough when a woman posts they are no longer happy or attracted to their partner they are told life is too short to be unhappy

@wetasstenalady

And men who leave because they aren't attracted to their wives and want that relationship again are told they are shallow selfish cunts breaking up their family. Funnily enough when a woman posts they are no longer happy or attracted to their partner they are told life is too short to be unhappy

Finally.

I do hate the double standards on here.

@wetasstenalady

And men who leave because they aren't attracted to their wives and want that relationship again are told they are shallow selfish cunts breaking up their family. Funnily enough when a woman posts they are no longer happy or attracted to their partner they are told life is too short to be unhappy

He hasn’t left though has he?

He is cheating.

I would have every respect for someone who after being open / honest and trying with their partner - who then said that they needed to leave a marriage for their own happiness. That’s perfectly acceptable.

But someone in a marriage having online sex, declaring love for OW / OM, planning to meet and involved with them 24/7 - is in v deep and has crossed many many red lines.

Not sure if some of the posters have read the op in detail, is the wife that's considering leaving the husband, not the other way round. And it's the wife that's made the post, not the husband

I wouldn't sit on this. You only have one life. Just be honest and tell him what you have found. I assume you wouldn't want to stay in this relationship but you're scared of leaving. You can't be happy if you really think about things. I suspect he will say it was a mistake, he wasn't getting xyz with you ect ect.... Ultimately better to be single than unhappy. Hugs x

Hope you are OK OP.

"No one's victim blaming. What he did wasn't right and has utterly destroyed OP. But relationships have 2 sides. You can't go through life pretending that your actions have no consequences. The cheater will learn pretty quickly the consequences of his actions, so will OP. Let's not pretend that cheaters cheat for no reason or because they are evil.
If you spend years over weight and embarrassed by your own body that you can't have sex with your spouse there will be consequences. If you cheat in your spouse there's consequences.
He should have left the relationship. But he didn't. It's now time to face the truth OP and kick is ass out or work in the relationship. Neither will be easy."

Agree with this. You can't put no work in for years on end and expect continued financial support, emotional intimacy, fidelity etc. If all he wanted was a frumpy nanny for his kids he could hire one.

"I couldn't stay in a relationship without intimacy and sexual.passion/desire. OP you have had plenty of time to address your own issues about your poor self image, and you have failed to do so- what did you expect to happen? What do you want to do now you are on the cusp of losing him?"

Well said.

What do people expect when they repeatedly tell a partner they "can't be bothered " to be intimate?

Vows include "with my body I thee honor" for a reason; isn't that just as important as the vow of fidelity?

Honestly, I am torn.

DH (who is a wonderful man, as you describe your DH to be) always told me no sex would be a deal breaker. As it happens, my sex drive has always been much higher than his, and so I am mostly the one who initiates and is sometimes turned down. If I was turned down on a frequent basis, I would really feel unhappy.

I could not cope with sex 2/3 times a year.

That said, no one should have to do anything that they don't want to.

Sounds like you are very different people, with different needs. A bunch of strangers on the internet won't be able to solve this. You have to talk to him.

As much as your needs should be respected, his should too.

Only you two can find a solution.