Thousands of messages between them

[Shockedupsetscared]

It's such a fucking cliche. I found out yesterday my DH has been messaging a woman. He doesn't know I know, I saw his phone while he was using his indoor bike. Some app I'd never even heard of, I looked at it because I was curious. I don't know how long it's been going on, I couldn't even scroll back far enough to the beginning but it's months. There are literally thousands of messages between them. Lots of them explicit, photos and videos, but lots of them not. In a weird way it's the ones that aren't that are worse, is that stupid? They're messaging every single day, there are dozens of messages between them while he's at work. He's told her about stuff going on at his office that he hasn't told me yet, mundane stuff. Stuff about the kids, we have two teenage DC. I work a couple of evenings a week and he tells her when I'm due to work so they can plan their "playtime" together when they swap photos and videos. From what I can see they're planning to meet when Covid allows. He's told her he loves her but they talk about not breaking up their marriages. I've pretended I have a migraine since yesterday because I can't face him but I don't know what to say or do. What the fuck do I do?

“What did you expect to happen?” Eh??
I’d expect my partner or husband to tell me honestly that this was a deal breaker for them and that they could no longer put up with the situation and that without changes the relationship would be over.
They entered into a monogamous relationship “for better or worse”. If this is “worse” and he no longer wants to be monogamous for whatever reason, then say so.
If this was ever ok, there was no reason to hide it. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
I can completely understand why living without sex could be a deal breaker, I disagree totally with the “understandable” response to be cheating. There is no excuse for it.
The OP has played a part in the state of her relationship. She has not forced her husband to cheat. He had other alternatives. That was his choice in response to the situation and the OP had no influence on that whatsoever. He had other choices available but took the deceitful and cruel one. The choice he made is not her fault. Whatever the state of the relationship, no matter who is to blame, she is entitled to expect honesty from him, not deception.

Sorry I haven't said much. He and I talked just about all day yesterday, on and off. I still don't rwally know where to go from here.

He said it started through a sort of amatuer porn site, people can put their own photos on. He used the chat facility to compliment her on a photo she posted and it "snowballed" from there. So I guess he wasn't actively looking on an affair hookup site. He said he's not unhappy with the rest of our life, he wasn't looking for an exit but the lack of sex and intimacy and feeling wanted was hard and he didn't think I really listened when he tried to talk about it. And if I'm truly honest with myself, he's probably right, because I didn't want o have the difficult conversations. He admitted he does have feelings for her but he doesn't want to leave me and the kids and she doesn't want to leave her husband either, from what he's said she's as much a carer as a wife and that does make sense of a couple of the messages I saw. His intention was always to try to keep it separate and not hurt me and he does seem genuinely sorry that he has, there were no denials or threats of suicide like someone said and I don't thikn he's minimised. If anything he's been a bit too honest and I've heard things I didn't really want to hear. So now it feels like we're a bit stuck. Neither of us want to break up, at least I don't think I do and he is clear he doesn't, but he needs more intimacy and I don't know if I can give it. Last night he asled if I'd consider an open relationahip and my gut instincy was no but what's the alternative?

Sorry for typos and posted too soon. I just feel numb now, I was angry and upset and nauseated in turns yesterady but now I just feel drained and sad.

I'm sorry op.

I am glad that you have spoken.

This will now unfold. Take it v slow.

It seems that there are “logical explanations” from his side and you seem accepting of these rationally.

However he immediate response to being discovers is to ask for an open relationship which to me shows someone shockingly selfish with zero empathy or care for your feelings at this time.

This may have been the conversation he could/should have had with you in the past and then you could both have had the opportunity to make changes / compromises. It would have been open and honest. But he chose the path of deceit.

Now when your world has blown apart - he isn’t looking to comfort you, make amends, apologise - he feels entitled enough to excuse his behaviour and ask for a free pass.

Just tap into your own gut reactions here. Listen to how YOU feel which no doubt will be extreme emotions at both ends of the scale and everything - including shock and numbness in between.

It will take time for you to settle - to know how you feel and what to do. There is no timetable on this. Be guided by your feelings and you can take decisions “for now” and change your mind as your feelings and perspective changes over time.

An independent therapist could support and guide you through this turbulent time. I would do this before even attempting couples counselling.

The open relationship bit says he’s not at all remorseful. He now just wants to have his cake and eat it

I’m sorry too. I think you are being asked to accept things and if i you don’t then he’ll do it anyway.

I'm sorry you're in the position you are & I think you need to remember you don't have to rush any processing of this, to serve his demands and allow him to retain his new form of fun. Alongside this it sounds like he's trying to put you in the role of fault to this despicable situation. What's worse is that you seem to be convinced to take this on. Much of your messages are merely just telling us what he thinks, believes, states & there's not much what you think, believe & feel. We understand this in MN as many of us have been there. But please just keep messaging, checking in, work through this trauma. That's what it is, when you find something so earthshattering to all you've believed.
It is perfectly normal to believe & pay regard to what our life partner who is supposed to love us & have our best interests at heart, but I'd just suggest you take a step back & look at this objectively. Keep sense checking your feelings; unfortunately the position you've been in for so long that he's the person you can trust isnt currently the case. Please consider your own thoughts & beliefs on this, not just what he tells you is wrong & what he'd like you to take responsibility for.
He has deceived you. He has repeatedly put you second. He's been sharing intimacy day to day things & sexual. He has scheduled time & planned things that he knows would devastate you. He has been emotionally & sexually unfaithful. He's had multiple opportunities to change this. He's eroded any trust (& when it happened to me I felt humiliation).
Despite all this, he is seeking to place all those actions that belong to him & he was active & in control of at your door. He is even in your initial conversation, not sorry or concerned on his impact of his betrayal on you or focus on his attrition, instead rapidly seeking you to give permission for him to get his kicks elsewhere AND up your intimacy with him.
Please don't rush to process or acquiesce on any of this. Please be kind to yourself.

Brilliant post @trackerc

I think I've given an unfair impression, he is genuinely contrite and the open relationship thing was one of a few things he suggested over the course of yesterday, it wasn't the first thing he jumped to, he did talk about us having some sort of counselling together first earlier in the day. It was after I'd said that I didn't know if or how much I could offer more intimacy and iut was more in the sense of, if we don't want to break up but I don't know if I can give him what he needs, then this is the only other option. And he did say that he would completely understand if I did want to end it and that it's not just his decision whether we stay married/

Patrt of me almost wishes it had just happened, they'd screwed and he'd got it all out of his system without me ever having to know about it. I just want to not have to think about it, to see the messages and the photos over and over in my head.

@2021Sunshine

They both want to have their cake and eat it, if we use your logic.
.....He wants to be married to OP and have sex - with at least someone, if his W doesn’t want it
....She wants to stay married to her H and not to have sex with him

Both of them want a marriage that isn’t a traditional definition of a marriage.

In OP’s place I’d seriously consider an open relationship. She wants companionship and partnership of a marriage, which she already has. She does not want to have sex. This is what she already has with her H.
Forcing herself to have a physical relationship is the worst thing she can do.
Forcing him to give up on his physical needs is equally as bad.
So - why not let him go and have his sexual needs met somewhere else. And that woman is perfect as she is also not looking to leave her marriage.

OP - sorry to be blunt - but you don’t have a choice to not making a choice here. Either you try to pull your head out of the sand and lose weight/get your confidence/get some life energy into you life and become a full partner to your H - or chose to be brave and try an unconventional form of a relationship.

For your sake - I do hope you pull yourself out of the rut you seem to be in.

Yes - it’s hard to eat healthy and not over eat. Yes - it’s harder with the kids. But those are excuses. It’s not impossible. You have a good and supportive husband that helps you. You can try more, especially now that you know what’s at stake.
And who knows - if you lose weight - you might start feeling more like a woman and sex drive might come back.

I’m sorry that this is shit for you, I would get copies of all the chat then decide what to do next.
If it was me I would confront him, tell him I’ve got copies of their chats then rip him a new one.
Then I would message her tell her the same then offer to tell her husband.
Only you can decide what to do, hugs 💐

OP is your health ok? Just to be sure, you've been struggling with weight/energy/low mood for some time, could you go to your Dr and discuss whether there could be thyroid issues, hormone issues or low lying depression going on? Putting aside for a moment the situation you're navigating right now are you looking after yourself? Do you want to feel sexy again? Has it always been an issue or is it something you miss?

I don't mean to interrogate you and you certainly don't have to answer any of those questions, but you sound as if you've been feeling below par for some time. You sound as if some proper self-care is in order.

My friend recently got divorced because she didn’t want sex, her DH did. It was awful breakup but I feel like neither parties were honest with each other.

In your shoes I would consider if you could feel sexual again, do you feel desire, masterbate etc. Sex is such a deep rooted, primal thing not something really that you can make yourself enjoy if you are not into it. If you can’t then I think you need an open marriage or to part if he can’t be happy with no sex. Do you fancy him? Could you fancy someone else?

I'm not sure how this got to talking about OPs food intake...
This is about the devastation at her finding thousands of messages to a person her DH has been having an affair with for what looks like a year or more. OP has spoken about how she's comparing herself with intimate sexual images she's seen that this OW has been sharing. She's internalising & wondering what it is she's done, should be doing, how she's at fault. It sounds like DH is joining in. I'd like to think MN won't join in too.
It's clear you value this marriage & this life you have built. So take time & work through this at your pace. 20 years is a massive deal. This has been a shock & has only been a couple of days & I suspect you only know facts on a small part of this.
Dont rush or push yourself into doing or deciding much. I suspect you'd take longer thinking about planning a DIY task, mortgage application or planning a holiday than the space you're giving yourself to decide on your emotional future.
You sound lovely, kind & with a generous spirit. TBH I'd encourage you to get some real life support, talk, rant, process & protect your feelings.
Keep posting though, it might help.

Last night he asled if I'd consider an open relationahip and my gut instincy was no but what's the alternative?

I think people are unfair and inaccurate saying the husband was unfeeling in mentioning the open marriage or that he wants his cake and to eat it. It sounded to me like a conversation on how they can stay married. He is clearly unwilling to accept lifelong celibacy, and if OP was saying she could not offer a more sexual relationship then that leaves opening the marriage or ending it.

An open marriage is not an easy option, I could not do it, but others do.

I feel for both of you OP. Neither of you can have what you want - you want a happy faithful sexless marriage. He wants a happy, faithful sexual marriage with you. Neither of you are wrong or at fault for wanting what you want. You are right though, you have only two choices now. End the marriage or accept an open marriage. I would say, unless you are certain you can cope emotionally and psychologically with an open marriage then I wouldn't agree to this.
It will erode you.

Similar happened to me, but different. I found messages, photos. She lived in USA and no chance they woujd meet, not sure how long it was going on. I had a 3 month old and 3 y at old at the time. He was mortified and horrified. I took me a long time, but we are still together 7 years on and very happy with a third child. Think about how you want it to end and if you could forgive him if he reacts in a similar way as my partner did. This does not have to end in divorce, there is another way if that’s want you both want xx

crosshatching maybe there is and it's worth checking out, thank you. TBH I've never had much sex drive, even before DH. We had more sex at the beginning, of course, but I got pregnant with our eldest after a year of marriage and it's just steadily dwindled ever since. It was never really an issue when the DC were small, we were both tired all the time. It's only really thr last few years since they hit their teens that he started to brng up that we don't have it very often.

I don't know if I fancy him. He's just DH. How do you know after 20 years? I certainly can't imagine being with anyone else.

Has he ended things with OW, at least while you work things out?

I don't know if I fancy him. He's just DH. How do you know after 20 years?

This means you don't fancy him.

I’m so sorry OP. You need to make sure you think about what you really want now. Not just him. What do you want and need ? X

How old is your dh OP? My ex started chatting up all and sundry, sex suddenly become more of a priority for him than it had been in the past, then bought a motorbike....

The had to have the bike was when I realised he was having a mid life crisis.

Anyway it didn't end there unfortunately and he went on to have more than one affair. He also claimed sex was important and it wasn't fulfilling enough. I thought it a bit odd as we did have sex fairly regularly. I just refused him when I knew he'd slept with someone else. Then according to him that was the reason for the marriage breakdown.

I think a lot of posters have been quite harsh. You don't need to make any decisions right now, but what I will say is if he continues this emotional affair after your discussion about it, that is quite telling.

I agree with @MMmomDD. You do want it all. No sex but can’t face him having sex with another.

"I don't know if I fancy him. He's just DH. How do you know after 20 years?"

I feel for you husband (as a man myself). No husband wants to hear that quote.

OP, do you support yourself financially?