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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I go for it with my friend?

166 replies

FabulousUnicornSparkles · 27/01/2021 15:32

Name changed to spare my blushes!

LONG

After my marriage broke down I started online dating and met the MOST amazing guy....on the surface we are opposites....I have quite a sensible mum style as I have 2 kiddies and do most school and after school runs....I am a couple of years older....quite sexually vanilla.

He is VERY unconventional....dresses very flamboyantly....heavily tattooed....bisexual and VERY sexually adventurous. When we met he was exploring open relationships and BDSM. So different but so exciting.

The connection was huge and like nothing I ever experienced before.....

I was open with him that I wanted to be in an exclusive relationship before I would sleep with him....he said he was still getting over a recent casual relationship with a woman who was very clingy and refusing to accept their break up so was not ready to commit....so we agreed to be friends....

We kept in touch and had a LOT of great phone sex and he opened my eyes to exploring things.

We both met other people around the same time but kept in touch. Sometimes it did stray into the sexual side of things in conversations...although I was happy with the guy I was dating, sexually it felt like there was something missing because I kept wanting him to do the things my friend had opened my eyes to.

His relationship was an on off nightmare after the first glow wore off....but he was committed to making it work as she was quite vulnerable from previous relationship....and he didn’t want to be another bad experience for her....

They did eventually break up and he came straight to mine and we had THE most incredible sex....I had sensations I’ve never felt before....it was amazing.

He said again that he was staying away from relationships as he was clearly not ready to commit without causing pain....
We still had sex when I was in his town for work ....the connection just got stronger and stronger as friends and as lovers....

We both kept dating other people but nothing long term has happened for me as even when I meet a great guy....I compare him to my amazing friend....

Lockdown has meant we haven’t seen each other but we still speak a lot....not as much as I would like !

I haven’t been dating due to lockdown but he has been dating someone for a few months....He seems very meh with this woman....just not his usual fabulous self and I really feel it would be so much better between us....it’s been a while since we met and neither of us has found anyone else who sparks us like we do together. I feel alive just thinking about him....I know my kids would love him and his kids me....we would be an unusual bunch but happy! He has truly opened my eyes to so many things in life....it feels like an adventure with him!

Should I put all my cards on the table and tell him how I feel ?

Lockdown is making me reassess my life and no matter what situation I look at I think life would be so much better with him in it as my partner in life and love!

OP posts:
ElizabethofpeanutYorkies · 27/01/2021 16:30

"He is VERY unconventional....dresses very flamboyantly....heavily tattooed....bisexual and VERY sexually adventurous. When we met he was exploring open relationships and BDSM".

Sounds a catch!

"His relationship was an on off nightmare after the first glow wore off".

Let me guess, his ex partner was crazy?

"He said again that he was staying away from relationships as he was clearly not ready to commit without causing pain...."

The "pain" bit worries me!

" I know my kids would love him"

No they wont! They will think he is a weird online weirdo - they learn this at school. They will question why you have brought him into their lives. I would not let him within 500 miles of my children.

ElizabethofpeanutYorkies · 27/01/2021 16:33

"We kept in touch and had a LOT of great phone sex and he opened my eyes to exploring things".

He must be on an unlimited txts and free calls ,after 10pm , tariff.

BornIn78 · 27/01/2021 16:37

Despite all his protestations to you about how he's not ready for a relationship, not able to commit, blah, blah, blah, he's struck up what, 3, 4 different relationships in the meantime.

His relationship was an on off nightmare after the first glow wore off
Yeah I can imagine when his girlfriend found out he was having regular phone sex with you that would have taken the shine off it somewhat Hmm.

flobbadobba · 27/01/2021 16:40

He won't coMmit you must be mad to want to be the next on/off woman he messes with and then let your kids be part of this dysfunctional life he leads. Put your kids first not your need for a good shag with a guy who seemingly will shag anything!

ElizabethofpeanutYorkies · 27/01/2021 16:43

"I look at I think life would be so much better with him in it as my partner in life and love!"

It is a real puzzler no one else has thought that about him too. Are you sure he is not marred OP? Men like that online are hard to find.

stuckinaloopie · 27/01/2021 16:47

I don't understand, OP. Seems he finds it quite easy to commit to other people but you. Might this little fantasy just be in your head?

HollowTalk · 27/01/2021 16:47

Oh fucking hell, OP, I know you needed a bit of excitement after you broke up but you've gone too far!

Settle yourself down and have a good hard think before you do anything. In your situation I'd see that relationship as a moment of madness and would look ahead to a future without him in it.

HollowTalk · 27/01/2021 16:48

@ElizabethofpeanutYorkies

"We kept in touch and had a LOT of great phone sex and he opened my eyes to exploring things".

He must be on an unlimited txts and free calls ,after 10pm , tariff.

They could use that in an advert. Join Virgin Media and wank to your heart's content.
ElizabethofpeanutYorkies · 27/01/2021 16:53

@HollowTalk i thought that's what we all used our free minutes for? I always call randoms i hardly know and met online at night for phone sex. I will be damed if Virgin Media profit from me!!

MaLarkinn · 27/01/2021 16:54

Hes not into you op so dont embarrass yourself.

HollowTalk · 27/01/2021 16:59

Yes, @ElizabethofpeanutYorkies never pass up on a bargain, even if you'd rather have an early night!

FabulousUnicornSparkles · 27/01/2021 17:05

Gosh thanks for the feedback....harsh!

@ElizabethofpeanutYorkies

Let me guess, his ex partner was crazy?
He does have some difficult exes who find it hard to move on from him....that is where the pain comes in

I think he would be a good influence in my kids lives as he is in his own kids lives....life and people are not black and white!

OP posts:
FabulousUnicornSparkles · 27/01/2021 17:07

@BornIn78

Despite all his protestations to you about how he's not ready for a relationship, not able to commit, blah, blah, blah, he's struck up what, 3, 4 different relationships in the meantime.

His relationship was an on off nightmare after the first glow wore off
Yeah I can imagine when his girlfriend found out he was having regular phone sex with you that would have taken the shine off it somewhat Hmm.

There have been 2 relationships of note but neither serious....for the first I was already seeing someone else....the newest has been over lockdown and feels like it’s convenient for company and sex

His girlfriend did not know about the phone sex....

OP posts:
BornIn78 · 27/01/2021 17:08

His girlfriend did not know about the phone sex

Oh well that's ok then. Top bloke. You should definitely go for it and what you don't know won't hurt you.

FabulousUnicornSparkles · 27/01/2021 17:08

@ElizabethofpeanutYorkies

"I look at I think life would be so much better with him in it as my partner in life and love!"

It is a real puzzler no one else has thought that about him too. Are you sure he is not marred OP? Men like that online are hard to find.

He has been married before but has been divorced for a long time....I have been to his house so know there isn’t a secret wife Grin
OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/01/2021 17:10

"I think he would be a good influence in my kids lives as he is in his own kids lives....life and people are not black and white"

He will never give you what you want which is an exclusive relationship. And you ignore any and all red flags here; these self absorbed types all have difficult ex's who without exception apparently find it hard to move on from him.

I would think your children would actually think differently and you have been thinking with your fanny. You really went off the deep end here with this individual didn't you. You do not really know this man at all, only what you have fostered as an image in your own head.

HollowTalk · 27/01/2021 17:10

The thing is, he's not backward at coming forward, so if he felt the same, wouldn't he have said something?

FabulousUnicornSparkles · 27/01/2021 17:12

@MaLarkinn

Hes not into you op so dont embarrass yourself.
I disagree....we have an amazing connection but I think he has been fearful of deeply committing after his divorce so has been dating a lot....the relationships don’t last more than a few months...we have maintained an amazing friendship all along....that is a stronger base for a lasting relationship
OP posts:
Plussizejumpsuit · 27/01/2021 17:14

If he loved you and wanted to be with you he would be. You need to look at his actions. Seems he's keeping you for back up.

MattHancocksPinkTie · 27/01/2021 17:17

@AttilaTheMeerkat

"I think he would be a good influence in my kids lives as he is in his own kids lives....life and people are not black and white"

He will never give you what you want which is an exclusive relationship. And you ignore any and all red flags here; these self absorbed types all have difficult ex's who without exception apparently find it hard to move on from him.

I would think your children would actually think differently and you have been thinking with your fanny. You really went off the deep end here with this individual didn't you. You do not really know this man at all, only what you have fostered as an image in your own head.

100% agree with this.
ElizabethofpeanutYorkies · 27/01/2021 17:21

"@FabulousUnicornSparkles
Let me guess, his ex partner was crazy?
He does have some difficult exes who find it hard to move on from him....that is where the pain comes in"

Yes, i imagine attempting to free yourself breaking up with him could be stressful.

I think he would be a good influence in my kids lives as he is in his own kids lives....

Is this in between his many phone calls?

"life and people are not black and white"

Quite right op. However some people can present as very stupid.

KatherineOfAragon · 27/01/2021 17:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

RealisticSketch · 27/01/2021 17:24

Based on how you feel about him I don't think you could not put your cards on the table without regretting never trying. Grin

ElizabethofpeanutYorkies · 27/01/2021 17:27

"he has been fearful of deeply committing after his divorce so has been dating a lot....the relationships don’t last more than a few months.."

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

MattHancocksPinkTie · 27/01/2021 17:27

I'm sorry OP but guys like him, all they want is sex, sex and more sex.

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