Should I go for it with my friend?

[FabulousUnicornSparkles]

Name changed to spare my blushes!

LONG

After my marriage broke down I started online dating and met the MOST amazing guy....on the surface we are opposites....I have quite a sensible mum style as I have 2 kiddies and do most school and after school runs....I am a couple of years older....quite sexually vanilla.

He is VERY unconventional....dresses very flamboyantly....heavily tattooed....bisexual and VERY sexually adventurous. When we met he was exploring open relationships and BDSM. So different but so exciting.

The connection was huge and like nothing I ever experienced before.....

I was open with him that I wanted to be in an exclusive relationship before I would sleep with him....he said he was still getting over a recent casual relationship with a woman who was very clingy and refusing to accept their break up so was not ready to commit....so we agreed to be friends....

We kept in touch and had a LOT of great phone sex and he opened my eyes to exploring things.

We both met other people around the same time but kept in touch. Sometimes it did stray into the sexual side of things in conversations...although I was happy with the guy I was dating, sexually it felt like there was something missing because I kept wanting him to do the things my friend had opened my eyes to.

His relationship was an on off nightmare after the first glow wore off....but he was committed to making it work as she was quite vulnerable from previous relationship....and he didn’t want to be another bad experience for her....

They did eventually break up and he came straight to mine and we had THE most incredible sex....I had sensations I’ve never felt before....it was amazing.

He said again that he was staying away from relationships as he was clearly not ready to commit without causing pain....
We still had sex when I was in his town for work ....the connection just got stronger and stronger as friends and as lovers....

We both kept dating other people but nothing long term has happened for me as even when I meet a great guy....I compare him to my amazing friend....

Lockdown has meant we haven’t seen each other but we still speak a lot....not as much as I would like !

I haven’t been dating due to lockdown but he has been dating someone for a few months....He seems very meh with this woman....just not his usual fabulous self and I really feel it would be so much better between us....it’s been a while since we met and neither of us has found anyone else who sparks us like we do together. I feel alive just thinking about him....I know my kids would love him and his kids me....we would be an unusual bunch but happy! He has truly opened my eyes to so many things in life....it feels like an adventure with him!

Should I put all my cards on the table and tell him how I feel ?

Lockdown is making me reassess my life and no matter what situation I look at I think life would be so much better with him in it as my partner in life and love!

@CakeRequired

You'll look back on this next year and laugh at how you fell for his garbage, you really will. And you'll be so much happier. Keep reminding yourself he is a liar, he's an asshole and you're worth more.

That actually makes me feel quite sad @CakeRequired

It would mean that even the friendship was fake....and it has meant so much to me over the last couple of years....am I such a bad judge of character

You've fallen for a guy who was charming you deliberately to keep you sweet and keep you wanting him. He conned you essentially. Easy to fall for, many people do. Not a bad judge of character, you were vulnerable at the time and he used it to his advantage. For all we know, this talk about wanting her and keeping you on a friendly only basis could be another ploy to keep you begging for him.

You're better off without him in your life, even as a friend. I knew a few young lads like this when I was in college, many moons ago. A few years ago I was in a beer garden with my husband - bumped into a few of them. They hadn't changed at all. It's like their bodies had grown into mens, but their minds were so stuck in this weird immature bubble. Two of them had kids and all they could do was bitch about their "crazy ass ex", how they never "got" what it means to be alternative, and why the hell can't they spend hundreds of pounds on tickets to Download when they need to buy prams and pay rent? 🙄 They're early thirties and dating/sleeping with/in open relationships with 18 and 19 year olds.

Some men don't grow up. They seem exciting at first because they make themselves out to be fun, not with the boring status quo, etc. In reality they just can't/don't want to navigate adulthood.

You've had a lucky escape. Don't get sucked back in.

Yeah! you should go for it. You guys did almost everything virtually as a friend. So there is nothing like a friends as i feel after reading your text.

I don't think people know enough to be able to say you were conned or taken for a ride. Some people can quite genuinely connect have all kinds of meaningful emotions which don't subsequently develop in a hoped for direction and not be acting in a cold calculating way which is pre meditated to take advantage. Not everyone, even men, are consciously toying with people when they tie themselves in knots emotionally.
People sometimes lack integrity in one way but not another.

Good

Listen I’ve been there with feckless men who turn out to be something else, and actually am still friends with one, he’s a Coke addicted waster but that doesn’t write off the fact he has a value, just not absolutely not as a lover.

You haven’t been a fool and you haven’t wasted 2 years. There is a rhyme something like season or a reason if anyone can find it. You’ve had value from him for 2 years of sexual and emotional exploration into what you want, it’s been fun.

Finding out he’s someone entirely different doesn’t write off the value you’ve had in the past from your interaction. Everything we go through and experience builds our knowledge of who we are and what we want.

Take that value of that time away but move on as any further interaction is of no value now.

That’s such a good way to view it @Theowawaynow....this bit is so hard....the letting go of the fantasy....wanting to talk to him and stopping myself.....asking myself why I wasn’t enough to commit to.....was I just an ego boost....does he care at all....and comparing myself to who he did choose.....younger....no emotional baggage....and feeling stupid that I ended things with some really nice guys who wanted the same things from a relationship because they weren’t him

Ooof....it’s bringing back so many of awful bits of marriage breakdown....I have moved on before and I will again....today I just want to curl up under the duvet and cry....the kids are with their dad til the weekend so maybe I will!!

It's ok and perfectly normal to be upset.
Just look after yourself and be glad you know where you stand.
Love and dating second or third time around is incredibly exhausting and it's good you have now got that energy for yourself

Definitely allow yourself to curl up and cry if you have the chance to do that!

God yes curl, cry, wine, chocolate and process until you hit “fuck you I’m a queen” stage.

It won’t be the last time probably and each one you will come out of stronger until quite frankly they’d have to be a god to deserve you

@FabulousUnicornSparkles

Spend some time on yourself now. When restrictions relaxed try meeting someone the old fashioned way. Join a club, volunteer locally in any capacity, when you don't have the kids. Join a fitness class /walking club/ salsa class. Make friends with the other people and be involved with the social sides they offer. All of these activities and people will enable you to meet more people, have nights out etc. Putting you in further contact with others , talking laughing, being busy and building your self esteem. You need to enjoy yourself now op, it does not seem like you have done that in recent yrs.

Fill your life fully as it is now, make friends and enjoy your down time. The relationship you want will come naturally one day, just don't waste any of the time in between now and then. Do more with your DC as well, baking, board games, hot chocolate day! Keep yourself engaged with life , busy and turn off the virtual world.

You will not find what you need online. You appear to be defining yourself by romantic /sexual relationships. You have to engage with real life more and get yourself out there to get the best out of everyday. You do not need a man in your life to complete who you are. Spend some time completing yourself so you can meet someone as a whole person , with standards and boundaries.

The only positive thing i can find to say about your "friend" , is that he just singularly made one of the best decisions of your life.

In time you will see that.

"God yes curl, cry, wine, chocolate and process until you hit “fuck you I’m a queen” stage"

No don't do that,waste of good wine and your time.

"It won’t be the last time probably"

Make sure this IS the last time.

"@Theowawaynow Listen I’ve been there with feckless men who turn out to be something else, and actually am still friends with one, he’s a Coke addicted waster but that doesn’t write off the fact he has a value, just not absolutely not as a lover."

Great advice. Everyone needs a long list feckless men who turn out to be something else, coke head wasters in their lives.

Have turned my phone on to see a text from him....his ex is willing to give him another chance but every woman he has been dating since her has to go....she thinks I behave ‘desperately’ on his social media and wants me cut out too...so I am now blocked everywhere

I know it might have seemed that it was all about sex or lust but honestly it was his friendship I valued the most....even though I know I needed to cut him off this feels like I have been discarded now I no longer have a use

Well by doing this he's shown he wasn't a friend to you. I'm really sorry you are going through this. But he has shown you who he is and at least it was now rather than getting further into a relationship. Just learn and grow op.

Remember you're worth more than this.

@FabulousUnicornSparkles

Have turned my phone on to see a text from him....his ex is willing to give him another chance but every woman he has been dating since her has to go....she thinks I behave ‘desperately’ on his social media and wants me cut out too...so I am now blocked everywhere

I know it might have seemed that it was all about sex or lust but honestly it was his friendship I valued the most....even though I know I needed to cut him off this feels like I have been discarded now I no longer have a use

He's a prick to have even told you this, do you realise that? She has won no prize, she has scum as a boyfriend now. Good luck to her, she's an idiot and will be cheated on again.

to tell you what she said is so cruel! OP, he is no prize, he is a selfish, thoughtless man with no ounce of tact. You are well rid!

Do you have everything you need
for your article now OP?

I am so sorry that you are hurting. Been there and it sucks. He sounds very flaky and I have no doubt he will turn up again but I think by that stage you will have moved onto better things. None of this is about you. It is about his own immaturity and insecurities. You sound great. For one you were willing to have an open mind about someone who is very different to you. That's a wonderful quality. If I knew you in real life I am sure we would be friends and I am sure your friends and family value you too.

@FabulousUnicornSparkles
You are well rid of that basket case
In time you will see that
Great sex isn’t enough for a relationship. He sounds a bit of a scummy git to me anyway

Have a cry and get sloshed then bin him off in your head
Save your qualities for a man who will value you for your lovely self

It might not be the result you wanted but at least you know . Deep down you know he’s not right for you . You’ll get over it, It hurts we’ve all been hurt but what you need to do now is perhaps stay away from him for at least a while anyway.
Good luck with everything.

So sorry OP. It sounds like this was a very meaningful relationship to you. Maybe try tuning into the things about him that you found so fascinating and eye-opening. Commit to creating some of that energy, wildness and exploration in your own life. You don't need him for that. He's come into your life and given you a sign of what's missing for you. That's a gift he's given you. X

@Faerysmoke that’s such a positive way to look at it.....thank you.....might take me a while.....but you are right.....when I think about why I felt good with him....it was because I wasn’t just the mumsy frumpy sensible one anymore....reliable but dull as my husband said....suddenly life had a bit more colour and I wasn’t standing on the sidelines anymore

Thank you @islockdownoveryet

Thank you @Cleverpolly3